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Been forever....checking in

Sita Tara's picture

Not sure who's still around who knows me by now but thought I'd pop in to say I'm still alive and still sitting in limbo not quite sure how long before I'm officially free of this toxicity formally known as STBX, MOW, SD, Bpd BM etc.

Can't elaborate due to negotiations still transpiring but miss everyone here and wish you all well.

And...

am finally starting to feel so blessed that I no longer need a place to vent about a toxic blended family and all that goes along with that.

My kids are all doing well as can be expected with so much still unresolved, I have made some plans for myself and my future and am searching every day for meaning, joy, grace, and closure.

Blessed be to all my ST family.

~Sita

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Sita Tara's picture

Unfortunately not on the health front. Have follow up with GYN oncologist tomorrow because the GYN skin cancer is returning. He is on the fence about treating it because it's still such a small growth.

I'm just taking it as it comes Katrinkie. Glad to see you still here. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

Oh Katrinkie...I have so changed. I really truly don't like giving advice now. This past year has been full of advice-mostly from well meaning people, and some not so much.

But what I finally realized when I had to grieve so much at once-my health, a nuclear family for BD5, the rejection my sons dealt with from their SF since ages 6 and 9, giving up stay at home motherhood and my dreams of starting my youth theatre company and being able to write full time, losing my H to another woman, being forced out of my own home (not yet but it's coming)etc etc etc...

It's been so much. Overwhelming and I was paralyzed. I never got that before. Paralyzed. Which to fix first? A divorce I didn't want? A move with no job? A job with no future just because I was desperate? Toss BD into daycare so I have time to find a job? Go back to school? Which way FIRST?

I chose heal.

And I'm really truly so much farther emotionally because I finally just leaned into the grief and let it happen. I had permission to grieve from a former ST friend who lost her own daughter at 18 mos old. She was one of the first people who said "GRIEVE- you're allowed."

I've learned so much about it- but the main thing? Is how empty practical advice is when you're grieving. If it were so simple - move, get job, find and embrace a whole new life all at once?

But it isn't. And now I remember so many times telling people the answers I knew to be true, without having the experience to understand their inaction.

Grieving and healing?
Are heavy labor.

Years ago I met another woman who had lost a child. I met her because she was drawn to my happily blending ever after blog (not called that but I was so infatuated with my life back then I can hardly stomach reading it now.) The woman herself was writing about giving birth to herself. I loved the concept, but had no clue til now exactly what she meant.

It is labor. Contraction and expulsion.

But before you can give birth?

You have to allow the rest to die a slow, grueling death.

And since I'm not the type to jump to the next thing to avoid the painful process? I have had to instead dive into every other relationship and fill myself up with the kind of unconditional love that perhaps never exists in the romantic realm.

Parents, siblings, children...and many many lifelong, near, far, virtual, or real life friends who have graciously lifted me up and floated me along this white water rapid of loss.

I read something recently about transition and LOVED it-

"Life Transitions
The Death And Rebirth Of Self

Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.

Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.

We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life." (The Daily Om)

I have so many more too- spiritual writings and teachings that have brought me such clarity and peace. That's a part of me I neglected far too long while with people who were toxic to me- so much so that I literally was becoming ill physically.

Thanks again Katrinkie- still keeping that fire going for me in your neck of the world?

Totalybogus's picture

Yes, Sita, I'm sorry to hear of your health problems, however, I am very glad to hear from you.

lifeisshort's picture

Sita, it's so good to hear from you. I think about you and wonder how you are.
You are still experiencing so much in your life. Please be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and make your SELF a priority.
I'm sending healthy vibes your way...

Rags's picture

Sita,

Great to hear you are doing well and putting the blended family drama with STBX et al behind you.

Hang in there.

Best regards,

LizzieA's picture

Sita,
Thanks for checking in. I too have been through those times of stripping down, when everything is reduced to the core. Usually marvelous breakthroughs come after.

We miss you and wish you all the best. Hugs and prayers for healing!

arjuna79's picture

Sita,
Thank you so much for sharing the "Life Transitions" piece above. It is as true for us entering into these complicated situations as it is when we move on. If we had the breath and space to step back, step in and be with these transitions in ourselves, we would find the grace to flow with our integrity. As you have worked so hard to do. Thank you for checking back in here, and blessings to you along your way.

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks everyone. Hard to start anew when the death of the old is dragging out the way it is. However...after a very empowering counseling session yesterday-freeing me from the need to understand why I didn't see it coming ...

I feel again I'm moving forward- by not pushing forward. I am where I am. It's all we ever have really. So today I still live here, I'm still "married" legally, I'm hosting a family birthday party in this house even tho I wish I was somewhere else doing it. I have surrounded myself with fantastic and well educated professionals who handle the stuff I'm not qualified to handle myself, and that's been freeing as well. I keep thinking of the custody case that I helped him win, and how at some point after all the sweat and tears and counseling sessions with SD I finally handed it over to the universe to deal with. I accepted that I had done all I could and the result was out of my control. And we won.

I will never know how I would have felt if we had lost, but I can say I had truly released that to "whatever happens next is what is supposed to be" and let it go.

And I have finally reached that here. I no longer think I'm steering my path. Co-creating perhaps but not in control. We never really are. And tho that sounds kind of scary, in reality?

It's freeing. I can now enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow. I know I'll still have moments, but the session yesterday was when the counselor finally reached me.

This was not my fault. I could not have avoided it because I took him to be the person he so strongly professed himself to be. He wasn't.

That's ok.

I am still me and have always been true to my heart and sincere with my path. It's who I am. And I like me. Smile