6 years ago today...
I met STBX.
I am not doing well with it all today, as is apparent in my posts supporting friends in similar situation among other posts.
I miss that guy I met so much. I wish that guy missed me so much.
I've been up half the night with BD4 and that hasn't helped.
I feel expendable and tossable and totally pathetic b/c I still love him.
I wish I hated him as he feared I would. That would be preferable.
I don't want to digress into negativity today, but am allowing myself to grieve again.
- Sita Tara's blog
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I'm sorry Sita. Hating him
I'm sorry Sita.
Hating him does make it easier. I'll hate him for you, then at least I feel better. I hate that he puts you thru this.
I was discarded of once, while carrying our son. It sucks. It hurts. It took me a while to get over it. I loved him for a long time.
So... I understand.
I'm glad that you're not trying to force yourself out of any feeling you're having. I know your logic is desperately trying to tell you otherwise. It's OK that you still love him... it doesn't just go away in a blink of an eye.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Sita... I don't know what to
Sita... I don't know what to say, other than (((((HUGS)))) and I love ya girl!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Sita I want to share
Sita
I want to share something, it's a quote a friend wrote to me when I was feeling shattered and worthless from my EX..
".... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks. you are not worthless you are one of the bravest among us, not everyone can give all of themselves and it showed your faith in him. He betrayed that, and you. It it is much harder to love with all you have than to betray it. It makes him the weak one. The one who should hide in shame. After you have healed you will see what a strong, brave, beautiful person you really are. I will celebrate the day you do."
you miss who he was, not who he has become.
you are not pathetic. You are strong and brave even if you don't see it yet.
you are not expendable. You are valued, loved and a mother.
you are a better person for not hating. That alone shows your true character.
I am sorry you are going through this pain and hurt
I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
I was thinking the same
I was thinking the same thing. I feel moreso that HE was the weak one. You kept fighting the good fight right until the end. You knew about her and still gave it your all, and put all your energy into saving your marriage. You put were strong enough to stand up and FIGHT for your marriage, instead of just shrinking away into the background.
HE was weak. HE gave into temptation. HE was not strong enough to say no and back far away.
You are stronger than he ever could be.
You are so strong that you have not let this break you. You might be bent, but you are not broken.
And I think the biggest test of your strength is that you have managed to let them both live.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
--And I think the biggest
--And I think the biggest test of your strength is that you have managed to let them both live.--
...that made me lol...
I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
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Thank you for sharing that
Thank you for sharing that quote.
I once told a friend in a new relationship to put all her cards on the table. If the guy walked then he saved her a lot of pain and heartache.
But I did follow that advice when we met. I made quite sure he knew all there was to know about me, and it was take me and love me as I am or don't.
He chose me.
Then regretted that choice?
I don't know.
It's highly painful to ponder.
Feels like I'm a wimp when I used to feel I was enlightened and evolved.
Now I'm crying in my wine over a guy who is very likely having the time of his life without me weighing him down.
And here I sit listening to BD4 hack and cough away again (she is being screened for a type of Asthma.) She coughs til she pukes several times a week. Happened all night last night.
It makes me anxious to be a working single mom again, to risk my job for calling off too much, etc. He promised me I would never have to do that again.
I may not hate...
but I am so very angry at all the broken promises. I just want to scream sometimes about it.
At him.
I don't. He wouldn't care anyway.
Sita, I am so sorry. So
Sita, I am so sorry. So today you grieve, tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe next week you will need to grieve again. There is no right or wrong. Coming back from something like this doesn't have a manual. Maybe tomorrow you will hate him, make a vodoo doll & poke pins in him. It is his loss. You are not tossable, expandable or pathetic don't let him make you feel that way.
Can you take a break & do something for yourself, even run out & get a coffee with a girlfriend?
There will be many special dates that will trigger this, but lots of us love you & will always support you.
Hugs,
Sam
( hey if you lived in Minnesota I would have you over for Lasagna & bill paying tonight)
Lasagna and bill paying
Lasagna and bill paying night? Is that some Garrison Keeler Wobegon tradition?
I am no where near Minnesota, but my sons tell me I do a mean Fargo dialect. Move over Frances McDormand!
Not hating him is a good
Not hating him is a good thing,though hard and a difficult thing to live with, it's better for BD if you don't hate him.
Continuing to love him doesn't make you tossable,expendable,pathetic or anything else negative...it doesn't make you anything other than human...and perfectly normal. I felt the same way about my ex after he cheated. many women AND men feel love for a long time. But you already know that...you just have to learn to believe all the good things about yourself so there won't be room for doubt and negativity.
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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin
It's amazing to me how many
It's amazing to me how many of us have been through it.
But...
I've been thru it a LOT. My exH is now officially the only man who hasn't left me for another.
And believe me that kept me with him for a long time.
I am struggling with how I let myself get into this situation. How did I miss it? How did I not know I couldn't trust him?
I think it's b/c the other guys were "bad boys." They didn't hide it. And I finally learned not to go toward men who advertised their dysfunction.
He didn't.
But perhaps he did "protest too much" to the contrary regarding it being all BM's fault they didn't work out.
I owned my first marriage not working out. And since all of this?
I own it even more so. I wasn't solid when I got married the first time. This time I was, but should have known he wasn't.
Sigh. Hind site.
Still wish he'd have an epiphany, no matter how much pain he's caused.
Sita, You don't miss the
Sita,
You don't miss the person he was. He was never that person. You miss the image of him that you created in your head -- an image that he allowed you to believe, and encouraged you to believe, because it made him feel like someone important.
And. I admire you, actually, for not hating him. But wow. This is the first time I can remember that I've ever been happy to be shallow -- because I'm too shallow not to have a knee-jerk reaction of utter hatred for a guy like this. And yes, hatred would be easier than what you feel.
Hugs.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I don't know BB... Is he not
I don't know BB...
Is he not the same guy? Or did all of this push him to a breaking point within himself as his actions have now pushed me?
Tonight my BD4 asked him on the phone why we didn't want to be married anymore. I wanted to correct her that it wasn't WE. Of course I didn't. He got off the phone immediately.
The other night I was in the other room when they were talking. He hung up after she said goodbye, and all of a sudden I heard her panicking yelling into the phone, "HELLO?????DAD?????HELLLO????? MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYY!"
She came running into the room I was in, crying- "Mommy!!!!!I think Daddy hung up and you didn't get to talk to him yet!!!!!"
She was hysterical. Crying.
I said, "Oh hon...it's ok. Daddy just calls to talk to you now."
"WHY???????"
She is not taking it well. She is high and low about it- thinks the apartment is cool, but is highly anxious that I am talking about going back to work. I mention it casually so that she gets used to the idea, but now when I've had a few paid acting gigs like tomorrow night, she panics that I'm leaving to go to work.
This sucks. I think it's almost worse b/c I do know how much it sucks b/c I did it before.
And I was younger, had more faith in my future love life, and was convinced I was headed toward bigger and better things.
Now that my "bigger/better" thing has turned out to be a horrible mistake...
I no longer have the energy, the faith, the conviction that things will be better.
Polyanna died too.
Sita, he is the same guy, I
Sita, he is the same guy, I suppose -- physically. But honestly, I think he wanted you to see only the persona he wanted to be: the knight in shining armor.
My ex was like this. He swooped into my life, swept me off my feet, and made a big show of being the best, most romantic, most loving, most confident man ever. Made a big show of knowing that he was the one I'd been looking for all my life. The knight.
But the thing is, knights in shining armor don't lose their jobs. They don't feel insecure. They don't cry. They don't have "emotional issues." They are never afraid. All those things that a whole, complete person does, feels, and has to face up to. Knights only slay dragons. Which means that if there's ever a dragon they can't slay, well, then that has to be someone else's fault, right?
My ex projected an image of himself. What he wanted me to see him as. Trouble was, he needed me to believe it completely, and not look for anything else. He only existed that way if I saw it. So, any crack in the image was my fault. And honestly, it's not possible to sustain a real relationship with a knight in shining armor. They will only engage in battles where they can win and be celebrated. A BPD daughter, baggage from the past, emotional issues that have no black and white solution, a wife with real needs and real thoughts, who isn't perfect and knows he isn't either: those are fights that make him look bad. Better to move on to the next damsel who will look at him as the uncontested hero in shining armor.
Okay, I'm done. I'm so, so sorry about what this is doing to your daughter. But I think that B.S. he pulled on the phone with her is a perfect example of his "knight" pathology: she asked him a question that showed him she's seeing a crack in the image. And he couldn't take it.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Your words are so amazing.
Your words are so amazing. This is exactly what I'm going through, exactly the man I married.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. I wish so much that I were sitting where you are today, moved on, happy, in love, etc.
I'm sure the clarity will come when I've reached that place.
edited
edited
Honey, I thought that might
Honey, I thought that might touch something in you. I can't tell you how many times I've said to myself, "Wow, she is married to my ex-husband."
The good news? You will never, never, never fall for this shit again. Trust me. I see it a mile away now.
The other good news? I don't know how your life will turn out, of course, but I met the man of my dreams 6 months after separating from my ex -- at exactly your age now.
Hugs!!!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Oh, and by the way: my ex
Oh, and by the way: my ex and I were together for about 6 years.
Apparently, that's how long it takes before a relationship with a knight in shining armor blows up.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
There will be GREAT days,
There will be GREAT days, Sita...
and there will be days like today. Please keep venting and sharing with all of us, we all care so much!!
You've come a long way in three months. Remember, this IS like a death, and I know many of us have blogged about Elisabeth Kubler Ross and the stages....you WILL get to acceptance. Please try to remember your beautiful children and eveyone else who loves you so!!
Hang in there. Lots of prayers and good wishes coming your way!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Thanks Kitkat... I will
Thanks Kitkat...
I will likely take another blog break soon. I still worry he'll come and read and get peeved at me again.
It sucks. I feel like there's nothing left that's sacred to me.
I've done the hard work
I've done the hard work before. Over and over.
But I can honestly say I never trusted or allowed myself to be so vulnerable to a man before. And it has backfired.
I don't know what to make of that.
Maybe there isn't a man out there who can take me.
Or even if there is I'm not sure at this point I'm up for the risk ever again. I managed to not be jaded after so much-
physical/mental abuse...molestation...teenage pregnancy and abortion...even a rejected OW myself at one low point.
And I still believed.
But you said it Steve. Blindsided is something of a different monster.
And then there's my kids...my inlaws...his cousins...so much loss for me. My FAMILY are not my family anymore.
I miss them. I felt at home with them. They were home to me.
And literally...
I am losing my home. I am dreading finding another place to live. I'm so close with my next door neighbor. We're friends and I go to play group at her house all the time with her friends. How will I do that when he's living here, possibly with the OW? How will I come to my old home when it is someone else's. This home that I redid myself top to bottom. And some other woman will come in and undo all I did. All my hard work.
The house...the family...
all torn asunder.
One step at a time.
Job first.
Thanks... It's white wine
Thanks...
It's white wine tonight
Or DPW... We are a pair,
Or DPW...
We are a pair, aren't we?
Why do we all live so far away from each other so we can't drink the white wine together.
Dawn and Admin?
When's that chat feature coming????
Bought me some Stepwitch
Bought me some Stepwitch cigs too. Thinking of better times around a bon fire, when I thought I had the most amazing supportive loving adoring husband on site.
Miss THAT man...
I love Frances McDormand,
I love Frances McDormand, wish I could hear your Fargo accent.
I'm so sorry. ((((hugs))))
Drinking whiskey and praying for you. Do you think the lord cares if you pray while drinking? Is that a sin?
I think the lord invented
I think the lord invented whiskey for such medicinal purposes if used in moderation.