An apology to my Husband and SD
I posted things this week I shouldn't have. I let my emotions get the best of me in all this whirlwind of the life I thought I had falling apart. I usually am level headed and rational, but not right now.
I shouldn't have posted, but I was desperate for support, since my main source, my once proclaimed "shoulder to lean on, rock on which I rest" has decided I am holding him back from his life's happiness.
When I never could have envisioned my life happiness without him prior to this.
I have been sitting on my anger and it was eating away at me. I have been trying to move forward while still surrounded by the people I tried so hard to love unconditionally, who didn't feel the same way about me. At least not for some time.
I am jaded and sad, depressed and angry. And not at all the woman I was when I first made my promises to love and honor my H and his daughter.
So I am pulling the blogs, honoring him one more time, before we split apart forever. For all we once shared.
For all we once cherished.
For all we once were together.
I am letting go of the past-
the good, the bad, the ugly.
Because until I do, I won't be receptive to all the future has to offer me.
I don't know if he'll ever come back to read this. If he does...
I am truly sorry for falling down and not being who you thought I was. I did love you and your daughter.
In many ways I do still, or it wouldn't hurt so much to lose you that I had to release the pain somewhere in order to let you go.
I forgive you both and hope you can forgive me. We are all of us human and flawed and unfixable by anyone but ourselves. I have paid a huge price to learn this. But...
I truly have now. You wish our lives were not an open book. We've said such hurtful things these past months, and I have typed some of them for the "world to see." But...
I will always wish we could have made it through this to something I think would have been truer, stronger, more loving, nurturing, forgiving, and accepting of all we are.
And all we are not.
I will always wish you could have tried to fix us first, before moving on past the point of even wanting to fix it.
But I cannot fix you anymore than you can fix me.
We could have...
loved each other more.
Trusted each other more.
Given more without expectation of what we got back.
I told you that you are the one who failed...
I am sorry.
You aren't alone.
I failed to turn to you and turned to my friends because I didn't want to burden you any more with my uncomfortable feelings. Because I felt I was too weak to put the issues with our blended family aside and show you how much I really love you.
And for that I will always be sorry.
And for that heavy price I will also learn a painful lesson for the future.
And though it seems impossible to me through all the pain, I do hope one day it will all be behind us and we can parent BD 4 from a place of mutual respect for each other. We've both lost that right now. But once the dust settles and life has moved forward, I do truly wish for that for all of our benefit.
The ability to comment has been removed from my post. Please PM if you wish to respond. I really am trying to be positive here. Though I appreciate all your anger on my behalf, there's a time to let go of it and move forward. And that time for me, is now.
For those of you I know in real life now, please keep in touch. My email here will still work, but I don't get notifications so I may not get it right away.
If you are interested you may PM me with your info to keep in touch email or FB or otherwise.
Thank you so much for the past 2 plus years of support, friendship, and love- be it the tough kind or the unconditional sort.
I am ready for the next chapter now. Looking forward to all the gifts the coming years afford me.
Keep the faith, let go of the toxic.
LOVE to all in your own personal journeys.