Over compensation, does any one else have this problem?
Ok, so my DH over compensates constantly for BM's lack of parenting. BM gives no discipline or shows no love towards SS. All discipling has to be done at our house, DH has talked to BM many times about situations that have arisen at school or daycare where SS would come home with disciplinary notes to see what BM has done to try and correct the issue and say or we talked about it and that would be it. So of course my DH would again talk to him about it and then whatever the action was an appropiate disciplinary action would follow, such as messing around in class and not paying attention to the teacher, he would be grounded for a few days with no t.v. or playing with toys and doing extra chores around the house, he would also need to think about what he did and to tell us at the end of his grounding what exactly he did wrong to get punished and what he will do right next time. Not only is it the lack of parenting that DH tries to over compensate for but it is the fun stuff too. Such as vacations or just plain spending time with her own child, My DH has custody so when SS goes over to BM's for visitation she does nothing to spend time with him and now with school coming up do you think she will spend money for school clothes or school supplies of course not. We will have to buy all of it and of course DH will need to make sure he has the best of everything at the last minute to make it look like he is cared for. See DH always waits til the last minuet thinking that in the end BM would acutally give a s@#% and pay for his stuff, but she hasn't paid child support forever, why would she pay for anything else. So of course SS feels so sad and unloved, DH feels the need to overcompensate, this is just a few examples the list goes on and on, with christmas and birthdays and so on and so on. and if you read my previous post it is not just DH doing it, it is DH feeling bad and telling me "we" need to do something. I just get so tired doing it all because of course my child gets the s$#$ end of the stick because we always have to make it up to the other one, because the BM is a bad parent, um well I am so sorry she is but what about my child. Anyways any advice or comment would be great.
- Shopaholic's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Not exactly the same
but yes, I do live with over compensating. In our case, SD comes here acting like life is absolutely HORRIBLE at BM's and how mean she is and how she's always in trouble blah, blah... DH falls for every bit of it hook, line and sinker. So because DH feels "sorry" for the poor lil mistreated thing our week is spent "making it up to her" and making sure every second of every minute of every hour of every day at OUR house is funfilled and happy. There are NO chores to be done by this child, she barely is expected to clean her room and then it is half @ssed... at the very most I can get away with asking her to empty the d/w and put her own dishes in but thats about it. DH cooks for her and waits on her hand and foot. It's like we a "Royal Guest" here for the week, weekend whatever her given schedule is.
It is aggravating, but it gets better this time of year, during school she is only here 6 days a month it is MUCH easier to live with and overlook all the "over compensating"... when it is for such a short amount of time.
I don't get the ex's and DH's believing every single thing the kids say like it's gospel... it gives the children all the latitude in the world to lie and manipulate the two households...
It is what it is...
You give them an inch and they want more....
Thanks for your reply, it totally sucks... for me my DH has custody and when SS has a crappy visit, which is always my DH acts like we have to make up for it and without her paying child support I am telling DH we can not keep doing this and I am sorry but it is not my fault BM is a crappy mom, he needs to come to grips with it and see her for what she really is and we can only do as much as we can do and not keep buying him the best of everything, take him to do whatever he wants, or let him do whatever he wants. He is a good kid for the most part, so I do not have a problem with it most of the time, because I kind of feel bad for him too. but lately enough has been enough, and now I am feeling like he is getting spoiled, because now it seems like he keeps wanting more and more.
I must've gotten lucky on this one.
This is one problem I don't have and man, I feel for you guys. When it comes to spending, etc. amongst the five kids, my DH does the math himself...
One kid isn't biologically his... she was conceived by the ex from an affair. His name is on the birth certificate, but after the divorce, the ex sued the "real" dad for paternity and CS, so my DH now has no obligation whatsoever to the child. However, to us, she's still just another one of our kids. But that means she collects from three sets of parents... us, her rich real father and his wife, her mother and her husband.
Two kids are his with his ex-wife, so they collect from two sets of parents... us, BM and her husband.
Our two kids only have us. And after sending so much $$$ out for CS to support the others, well, we do tend to spoil them a little more when we can. We do have a slightly higher birthday and Christmas budget for our two. Some people might not think this is fair, but the way my DH sees it, it's not fair for our two to have to do without just because their parents stayed married to each other. My DH is pretty good about looking at the big picture, not just the small corner of it we're allowed to be in.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
How come you feel
your daughter gets the short end?
My first piece of advice/suggestion would be to help your dh orgnanize himself better. You can't wait on bm or expect her to do anything...you guys plan your budget to buy X amount of school clothes and do it when your schedule fits. If bm ends up buying school clothes, then great, but your time/energy will be better spent if you guys just plan to buy the clothes rather than hoping bm will actually do something about school clothes.
Sometimes if we just cut out the expectations that the parent slowing us down will actually pull their heads out of their ass and follow through with their end of the responsibilities, we can manage our time/money/stress, and it won't feel so overwhelming.
I spent many years overcompensating for my ss b/c his mother really fails at being responsible and stable, and I exhausted myself. In the end, I made my ss more mad at me, b/c when I did things like pick up the pieces to her constant train wrecks, it just reminded him more and more of what a piece of crap parent his mother is, and in a child's eyes, they want their mom to be the best mom possible. Try not to overcompenstate, try to encourage your dh to not overcompenstate (much easier said than done!), just do the very best you can.
Good luck,
Candice