He can't have his cake and eat it too!
As I have been reading these blogs, one thing pops out at me more than others, and that is the roll of the biodad. Apparently one of the main sources of conflict in a stepfamily is the role of disciplinarian. Authorities appear to be in disagreement over who should handle this responsibility in the family and are very adamant that only birth parents have the authority to discipline the children and SPS should stay out of the coparenting relationship. However, some disagree with that philosophy. Some think it's important that the SM plays a role in the discipline process in her home or she will be considered an intruder, although the SM should not be the primary disciplinarian. This is where they need the support of their husbands. If dad wants sm to be more loving towards his child, he must also allow her to be involved in the disciplinary process and they should agree on the punishment before it is dolled out. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
For this reason, the majority of the disciplinary problems in a stepfamilly, causing the SM to be set up as the evil SM, occur when the biodad fails to take a clear responsibility in the disciplinary procedures regarding his children or support her roll as another authority in the household.
Unfortunately many divorced parents feel guilty and choose to compensate their children by becoming good-time moms and dads who refuse to set limits for their children. They justify this by thinking that their children are already upset and they don't wish to upset them any further. However, this usually results in the SP being forced into the primary disciplinarian role and they become the bad guy to their skids. The reality is that these marriages break up because the husband and wife can't - or won't - work through problems dealing with the children and one or both get frustrated and do not want to try anymore. Often the overindulgent father, guilty about the divorce and the limited time he gets to spend with the kid, can't or won't set limits, and the new marriage takes a beating. Dad wants to be the kids' best friend and so the SM ends up being the disciplinarian.
As a result, the SM is left to disciplining and assigning household chores to her akid because women are generally the ones that take care of the household. To an outsider this often appears as cruelty. However if those were her biokids, those same outsiders would be praising the mother for instilling responsibility and manners in her children. Since they are skids, many outsiders have sympathy for these innocent kids, and they expect hostile behavior from a SM. Hence the Cinderella theory...lol.
Women take their stepfamilies very seriously and personally, linking their parental and family role with their self-value. A large part of a woman's self-esteem depends on her stepfamily relationship going smoothly. Therefore when family situations are negative a SM suffers from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity and guilt. Which is exactly what I see some feeling here because of their negative feelings regarding their skids. Unfortunately this creates a vicious cycle, as the worse the SM feels about her family role, usually the more preverbial "stepmothery" behavior she displays.
Ultimately, women must learn to be more tolerant of their own human failings and realize that all parents make mistakes and experience challenges, not just stepmothers. And, they must hold their husbands accountable to support them in the process. He needs to become part of the solution and not part of the problem.
I will never allow
I will never allow Cinderella in my house. *stomps foot* lol
I am the main disciplinarian in my house because I am usually the only one there! I agree with "I refuse to have 2 sets of rules for 2 sets of kids" and anyone who trys to change me on that will be talking to a wall. Me and DH has talked about this. He leans abit towards the Guilt Daddy stance and I flat out will not allow it. My SD loves her time with us and is constantly asking to come "home" whenever we talk to her on the phone. We have set rules and a set schedual. She knows what to expect even if its not what she wants at that time. I do not believe that just because we dont see her often we should cater to her every whim. And since I am the caregiver, I give the care!!!
I am also the disciplinarian
I am also the disciplinarian in our house. My stepson is 6 and lives with us, I'm responsible for daily life as my husband works long hours (getting up, going to the bus, homework, lunches, dinner, etc.) We believe that as my role is so involved in his life, It's more than appropriate for me to discipline him when needed. Also, my husband and I agree almost always on the rules of the house and rules of discipline.
I think that for all step parent's (residential one's or those who are only blessed with visitation time) to be fully respected and accepted as a parent in their step children's lives, they need to be just as involved as the biological parent's in every aspect of the child's life.
I don't think anyone can or
I don't think anyone can or should take the responsibility for someone else's child if they aren't given authority to participate in setting the rules, determining the consequences, and the authority to follow through. MIL told me once that it is DH responsibility to parent and I should not participate - my response was "okay, but what do I do if she is running toward traffic?". Of course, then I should step up, obviously, but what if SD5 (3 at the time) thinks it is okay to ignore me because I don't ever participate on other occasions? I used the same example with DH when he tried to tell me that he was being patient when repeating himself thirty-five times on issues such as cleaning up, bath time, etc. Okay - but do you want her to ignore you the first 35 times when she is running into traffic, or do you want her to understand that when you say something you expect her to do it the first time? Kids don't know the difference between allowing them to get away with not doing something "trivial" and not doing something very important. Being patient is reading the same book 10 times in a row not allowing kids to negotiate rules!!
SD5 told me her mother says she doesn't have to listen to me because I am not a parent. I said okay, I won't. Five minutes later she asked me if she could go outside to play. My response "you'll have to wait until your parent returns because I can't be responsible outside if you don't have to listen to me." Then I calmly explained to her that Mommy isn't suffering the consequences for giving her bad information and being selfish, she is and that she should think about that.
Personally, in my home, I have HOUSE rules and if other parents (DH or visiting parents) don't insist that their children follow those rules (no jumping on furniture, cleaning up toys, no drinking outside the kitchen, eating at the table, coming in the house wet after swimming, etc.) I will discipline them. If they don't like the way I do it they should keep their own kids in line. If they don't like the rules or they think they're too strict (and believe me DH's family does think that) I can show them the door.
I enforce rules when my step
I enforce rules when my step children are around..I give them one warning..if they do not follow through..my husband lays the boom down and they listen then. My husband is excellent with baking me up on any dicipline the children need.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore