to an extent.Like when a child's BM is dead, incarcerated, or just plain not in their life at all. If they already have a mother who is a part of their lives consistantly- the SM should not try to replicate that role. We did not give birth to them, and BM's really resent that! However it is our place to be a caring guardian, if we so choose. A nurturing, loving and respectful caregiver. Aunts can sometimes be more fun that moms too! I have a SIL who is wonderful with kids, although childless herself and she is a great role model for children! SK's can respect a SP more if they feel like there is no threat of you trying to replace their mother. It's when a step-parent becomes too domineering and overstepping their boundries that the child becomes resentful or even defiant.

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

being a friend? My therapist always tells me that that's what I should behave like but I have a very difficult time doing so. I also can't imagine being an Aunt to DH's son as I have only one niece whom I love nearly as much as my DD. I wanted to watch that Oprah episode but missed it.

I guess I sorta feel like I'm the mother hen in this henhouse and regardless of who is living here, I want things to be a certain way and I expect a certain way of life and pecking order. I don't care who doesn't do what they are supposed to do, they get told about it. My mother always told me, "If you aren't afraid to do/not do something, then you shouldn't be afraid/suprised/angered to hear about it later."

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

What about your SC's children? Are we to be an Aunt to them also?

I have had this experience where the child disappears then when you find them and say, don't ever leave without telling me, they say - Oh, I thought we were just friends. I am an aunt 8x over and none of them think that is ok to do to your 'guardian' at the time.

If you ever leave your child in the care of another adult, the adult thing to do is say, Listen to this person just like you would me - not, you don't have to do what she says.

I guess you can tell there was a lot of this but now I am just saying stuff anyway. I know I am not the mom but I still feel it is my duty as an adult in their life to say some of these things whether they are welcome or not. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

Well, that was my plan when I got married. All three of my SK's lived with and saw their Bm's on a regular basis. Within a year all three lived with us and the one BM stepped out of her kids lives pretty much forever. Soo....that threw that idea out the window, I didn't really have a choice but to step up as a "mom". The oldest SS doesn't like me trying to be "domineering" but he lives in this house and has to follow the rules we've set in place. I dunno, I wish I could act more like an aunt if the BM's would grow up and take care of their own damn kids, but I guess I don't get the luxury of choice on that situation.

that is excellent advice in some cases. I think it really depends on how old they are, where they live, what relationship they have with their bio mom.If they are babies and have no mom, I think that it would be difficult not to mother them. But if they are older and have a good mother, an auntie is a good thing (kind, gentle & defer to father for the discipline).

I've always found that being myself works just fine. And myself is not my skids' aunt... myself is their stepmother.

~ Anne ~

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than a SM disciplining her child, also.

My brother and I grew up in a fun but strict family. We were expected to help out and carry our load at home and at school. My brother fully expects me to correct my niece when she is my care which is at least once a week, if not more. He also expects that I enforce good manners and proper behavior. When I do so with her, I'm not met with resistance, defiance, or hostility.

Contrast that with DH's son. DH he wants me to do the same thing, so I tried. DH's son still didn't display proper manners or behavior or complete his daily activities in a satisfactory way, so when he was called on it, I was met with hostility and rudeness by both DH and his perfect son.

That's my situation. I still b & c everytime DH's son doesn't do a chore, is misbehaving, not doing homework, manipulating, lying and cheating with BM behind DH's back.

Depends on the residence of the child. If they are a frequent visitor thats one thing, but its a different story if they live in the same house with SM.

I think I tried to be myself as Anne stated, but I went into the situation not trying to be another mom. I always said to myself, they have a mom. They introduce me as their stepmom, and that doesn't bother me, I'm proud that they do so. They could chose to not introduce me at all, or just say this is so and so like I'm some sort of "extra" person. It wasn't always easy, because I wasn't able to raise them with the values that I believe in. But to act like an aunt - mmmm, I don't think I did that. Just took a slow and steady approach at the relationship, with the kids knowing I wasn't there to replace anybody. I think str8 is right, the kids SD is very domineering (like a turkey strutting his tailfeathers) and they don't like him very much.

according to my mother.

My aunt did not wash my clothes, pick up after me, pay for things like braces, put eye drops in my eyes, pick me up after school & make sure my homework got done, ect....

BM acts like I am lucky I get to do these things for her children,...right. I say that they ( kids, dad & BM) are lucky that I do these things.

I am not now nor will I ever be there mother nor do I try, but all the above things still need to be done for them when they are here. ( Let's face it I don't want DH washing my clothes & my need for tidiness differs from his )Their dad & I are a team here. Also I am their baby brother's mom. ( I have the c section scar to prove it and the 3 1/2 months of sleep deprivation to back me up )

to respect every adult. If my mother left me in the care of an Aunt, or a neighbor, a babysitter, we knew we were to do what the adult asked us to do. I don't think a step mom should be any different. If the skids are in your care..then you have the right to tell them what they need to do, and they should respect you as an adult authority, married to their father = step mom!

That is always the term I use... Step or otherwise, I am the mom of the house. DH actually started that one. When SS went through his phase of telling everyone that I am not his mom. For example my daughter would say "SS mom said we have to wash our hands" SS would say "she is not MY mom". So DH implemented MOM OF THE HOUSE. He told SS "we know she is not your mommy, but she is the mommy in this house, and you need to listen to her". I have nieces and nephews, and I LOVE them dearly, and they actually lived with me for the first 4 years of their lives. They respect me, they love me... and I am their Favorite Aunt... BUT, they are not MYT kids. I don't buy their clothes, wash them, feed them, get up with them in the middle of the night when they are sick. I DO those things for SS, I am his stepmom... I may be step, but the relationship I desire between SS and I goes way further than Aunt Missy, I am a parent. There needs to be a sense of respect and comfort there, we live in the same house. He sees EVERY side of me, just like my own kids do. I do NOT want to take the place of his mom, but I am FAR from an Aunt.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Wow - ok, the aunt. I must admit, with my neph's, I provide more structure and discipline than is accepted by my SD or DH. With my neph's I have established that for some reason, I don't understand that strange language called whine. I don't play with people who are mean to me. My money is MY money, and if I share it, you are lucky. That is all "auntie" stuff. With my SD? um no. The whine is the primary means of communication, my DH seems to feel we should include her in just about every activity, and well - hey - I feed her, I clothe her, I put a roof over her head. Obviously, my money is her money...

(SD is 20, with newborn, living with us) - My latest is to be the landlord. Discipline is up to DH. Neither of them accept it from me. House Rules are my perview. So - that is where I draw the line. It has made it a little easier, sometimes....