Tell me, PLEASE, I need someone to tell me, help me have strength to leave this man

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I'm a SAHM/SM. It's me, DH, SD12 (EOW) and my DD9 (shared custody, no CO with ex). I have been with DH for 7 years, married 3. It has been difficult ever since I moved in, one year in. My DH was not happy with my working in the night club industry (first red flag), so asked me to quit, move in with him and he would "take care of everything". BIG MISTAKE. Although he has modified many of his toxic/damaging behaviors, I made a list of it all.

I have so much trauma from this man, I don't even know how to be me anymore. I have now become angry, resentful and (he says) emotionally abusive. I have begged him to help me get help, because I feel so lost and so stuck. He beIives he "fixed" himself and that it is my responsibility to "fix" myself--even though most of the pain I'm suffering from was inflicted by him. And yes, I know, I "allowed" it. Yea, I know I'm "stupid", "weak", etc. but I feel so lost and broken.

I cannot handle more stress, but things keep piling on. I often fantasize about suicide, but I cannot bring myself to do that to my DDs (I also have a DD19 who lives close by). I am so depressed I have many days that I cannot gather myself up enough to leave bed, other than taking the kids to school and picking them up. I have moderate to severe anxiety.

Some of you may remember me from years back--my DH ex called police alleging child abuse, claiming SD told her I spanked her (we do not physically discipline), DH NEVER addressed this. The case was never sent to CPS or anything, but being interviewed by a detective, etc was extremely traumatic for me. DH was only ever concerned how the whole thing affected SD.

Anyway, maybe I need some realness or truth. I made a list of his behaviors that have negatively affected me, to send to him, because he said he was gonna make a list of my toxic behaviors. Well, I want someone to look at this list and compassionately help me understand...why I stay...why can't I leave...how do I leave...I have no family here, I live in an EXTREMELY expensive area, where I'm bound to stay due to my DD's father also living in the area (he's an hour away and has said multiple times he and his GF would let me stay there, but that feels intrusive). I have no employment history for the past over six years, I have nowhere to go, nobody to turn to.

People think we are so "perfect" and I am so ashamed that I have let this go on so long. I have tried many times to leave, but his attacks on my character weaken me resolve and I want to "prove" to him that I'm not as he says.

So, here's the list...go ahead and give me the truth:

-Isolation from friends
-Controlling how and when I sleep
-Not allowing me to work--threatening relationship when I applied for jobs
-Not allowing me to pursue any education--threatened relationship at the suggestion because you are a "provider" and if I wanted to be a "career woman" you "aren't the right guy" for me
-Not allowing me to go to the pool without you
-Not allowing me to go to the gym by myself
-Sometimes forcing me to go to the gym when I didn't want to
-Forcing to go out when I didn't want to
-Not allowing me to pursue interest/hobbies/volunteer work independent from you
-Extreme, unwarranted jealousy and suspicion
-Getting mad at me/picking fights for the actions/words/looks of other men
-Getting mad at me/picking fights for people tagging me in pics on fb
-Getting mad at me/picking fights for comments made by others on fb
-Forcing me to have sex when I didn't want to, expressed that I didn't want to even/especially when I was on my period and feeling disgusted
-Becoming extremely verbally abusive if I didn't want to have sex
-Forcing me to work for your business with NO compensation, other than room & board + $25/wk to spend on my child
-Refusing to allow me to spend money on my own child outside of $25/week, while you take your daughter to movies, outings, shopping, dinners and expensive treats EVEN THOUGH you pay child support, and saying I can't spend on my daughter because my ex and I agreed on no child support
-Breaking/ruining my belongings and refusing to replace them
-Becoming physically violent during arguments/physically preventing me from leaving the home
-Becoming extremely verbally abusive if I attempted to leave
-Forcing me into sex work online, even when I cried and said I didn't want to
-Allowing abusive actions/words from others in your life without addressing the issue...letting it slide to "keep the peace" (funny, this never felt very peaceful)
-Restricting access to finances
-Not following thru on promises to provide certain things that I had provided myself when I was independent, i.e., my multiple trips to visit family each year (even before DD19 was of-age, I was forced to reduce my visitation trips because we "couldn't afford" it---which we could have, had you kept your word and started working before the 11th hour),
-Putting me in the direct line of fire with your ex by inappropriately delegating your parenting responsibilities to me, i.e., bath time, morning time, laundry, fixing food plates and more for YOUR child, even when you were not working. Then not appropriately addressing issues that arises from this
-Shaming me for the thoughts, words, actions of others
-Extreme verbal abuse if I tried to leave you, ex: "you're a piece of shit" "everyone was right about you" "you are a bad bad person"
-Trying to normalize your lack of action in certain situations "I'm not going to cause drama" to protect me...from your toxic ex, your perverted brother in law

He is less technology

He is less technology literate than I am. This is not a concern. And like I said, he has modified much of his behavior. The trauma that remains is what I am struggling with. I feel so alone and helpless.

Before you take things into

Before you take things into your own hands .... can I suggest you go to a woman's shelter with DD and leave this man?

I agree, get your DD to a

I agree, get your DD to a safe place and then go find somewhere you can "ride out the storm" that is sure to follow when he realizes you are gone.

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your replies. I want to be clear, many of these behaviors (jealousy, control, sexual abuse) have stopped. It is the trauma remaining that I am struggling with. I feel alone and helpless, but I do not feel like I am in danger. Giving my DD to ex is just not an option...she would have to change schools she is doing so well in school (gifted program, in band, and plays the piano) and I am afraid to shake things up too much. I know this sounds like too many excuses.

ever thought about therapy,

ever thought about therapy, maybe for you alone and for DD... and maybe DH can go as well....

Thank you. I have tried

Thank you. I have tried therapy. We went to couples therapy a few years back. Our therapist despite the many red flags, did not recognize the control and emotional abuse that was occurring. Perhaps she did, but she did not give it a name, she just worked toward behavior mod. However, most of the behavior mod has happened after I have tried to leave. He begs me to stay, says he will do "anything" and changes get made. We have an extremely dysfunctional relationship. I have also tried individual counseling. I had to quit individual so we could afford couples. I started with a cheaper counselor, thru a women's health program, but she moved on without telling me, now I can't afford her and I am frustrated with having to find yet another counselor and tell all the same stuff over again.

Hon, maybe it's time to look

Hon, maybe it's time to look reality straight in the eye, and end this marriage...

even if things are not as bad anymore, you will not over come the past, thus you will not have a future...

I think it's time to pack and leave, while DD visits her Dad, go to a shelter, take a couple off days just for yourself and making up your mind...... then start fresh, you deserve so much more.....

This is not a way of life, you are a good woman and you should be treated with respect, just grab a couple off things and go.... we both know the promises are empty, we both know he does not really mean it, and do not argue you know this deep inside your soul.... You are fab and young enough to start fresh.... if you do not want to do it for you do it for DD, but it's now way to raise a little girl, she will think it's normal and marry the same sort og man one day and that will break your heart even more then your current situation, but then it's to late to change the future

This is true, if you are

This is true, if you are "doubled up" with somebody or "homeless" this federal law will protect you in many ways. Take your daughter with you to the shelter, you both deserve a happier life than what you are currently living.

They are excuses, hon. I am

They are excuses, hon. I am not blaming you, by any means. Rape Trauma and Battered Women's Syndrome are VERY real. My love, he is smarter than you think. He's smart enough to turn this around on you and make it seem like you are the abuser. I understand how it feels to be so damned depressed that you would rather die than live another day in hell. I had often wondered if my marriage was hell and what I had done to deserve it. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be afraid and to have to submit in order to avoid someone's wrath. He is sucking your will to live and your will to fight. Please call a DV shelter. They can walk you through the process of a restraining order and try to find you a place to go so that you are safe. They can provide you with a cell phone so that you have a way to call for help. Your ex deserves to know what his child is being exposed to. Kids know a lot more than what we give them credit for. Please, sweetie, please don't be an idiot like I was and take it. You are not weak, you are not stupid. You are traumatized and brainwashed. I have been there. You are not alone.

Of the list of behaviors you

Of the list of behaviors you mentioned, which remain true today?

I am relieved that it appears that he has modified some of his actions, but do you have any valid explanation from him why they happened? Were there drugs involved and now he's clean or something?

CALLING SUE - SUE WHERE ARE

CALLING SUE - SUE WHERE ARE YOU???

Aw, helll...I'm scared of the

Aw, helll...I'm scared of the response.

Sue, be gentle, seriously...I feel so fragile.

nope SUE will help you with

nope SUE will help you with these feelings and she can assist in some good links and names...

she's our internal Go to Gal when things like this happened....

just calm down...

It does sound like excuses.

It does sound like excuses. You have essentially said he has sexually assaulted you (sex without consent, sex for commerce) and yet just because he isn't doing it anymore makes it alright? NO! That's CRIMINAL.

You are not thinking clearly. You asked for help on how to leave this man, now you are backpeddling and coming up with excuses - that is classic behavior of a victim.

You are the victim of abuse. Face up to that fact and GET OUT of that relationship. There are many resources available for you.

You should absolutely not have your daughter in that environment either.

Your husband sees you as nothing more than an object. How long before he sees her the same way?

Get out of your house TODAY and call a local women's helpline or other helping agency that can get you and your DAUGHTER out of there ASAP.

Start by calling the National

Start by calling the National Womens Helpline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) They should be able to point to local resources.

You are being abused - He doesn't need to be bashing your head bloody for you to get help.

Dizzy, you need to get away

Dizzy, you need to get away from this POS man ASAP. Take up your ex on the offer for help. PLEASE do whatever you can to get out.

So many of the things you listed remind me of my psycho ex. He stepped up his abuse little by little. By the time he BEAT me, I thought I deserved it. I have zero doubt in my mind that this piece of garbage will eventually hurt you physically. BADLY.

People think you are the perfect couple... Did you ever see Sleeping With The Enemy? Honey, get out!

Sometimes only a fresh start

Sometimes only a fresh start can rally fix a situation. As painful as it may feel when you think there might still be some hope. You will still be living with the man that did all of these awful things to you and there is no way to erase that from your memory no matter how many times he apologizes. To start dealing with the trauma you need some space and distance between you and the person that traumatized you. You sound like you know this is the truth. There is some great advice here. Take action today, get your daughter, your valuables and go to her dad's. Once there you can talk through your options with him and his girlfriend and make a plan. He is offering help, take it.

Wow, you have been doing this

Wow, you have been doing this for so long that you don't even know what is right or wrong anymore. His strange and perverse world that he has created for you has warped your sense of what is just and unjust, what is moral and immoral. You are a victim and until you get away from that situation, you are not going to be able to see it for what it truly is. You are afraid of this man and you need lots of help to leave.

As for your Dd - you don't want to make waves but what does that mean for her - if anything gives you motivation to leave it should be HER! Would you want HER to be in a situation like this, is it fair to HER to deal with the ramifications of a mother who is being victimized and afraid to leave. You need to make sure your child is going to be okay - and she needs a strong mother to show her how to deal with life and not be a doormat.

You said you didn't want to "shake things up" for your Dd - but by staying are you causing more damage to her and would she be better off in the long run to completely start over someplace else with a mother who is getting help and healing? You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your child.

Men don't suddenly "fix" themselves just like that and from what you have described, these type of behaviors lay dormant and then manifest again later.

Does the home belong to both

Does the home belong to both of you? You can have him moved out even if the home is his, temporarily. Take this list to your Victim Advocacy and get a Protective Order, and Property Possession Order. This costs very little; mine did not cost anything. You don't even have to tell him; Law Enforcement will serve it on him, after a Judge's signature. He won't see it coming and they will escort him out of the house upon service, with a toothbrush only. I did this, I know how it works.

Your DH is abusive and you need to help yourself. Of course there are women's shelters also. It would be good, if you could stay in your home with you DD. He can take his kid and go; or his kid can go to BM. Then go get a job, even if it's parttime and a low paying job. You can get other assistance, until you get on your feet.

"God Helps Those Who Help Themselves"

((((hugs))))
This is difficult, but I did it and it gave everyone a break. My DH could not come back around me, until a Judge said so, on my request. Look into it. Usually your Victim Advocate is located at your local Police Dept.

Thank you. We rent and

Thank you. We rent and unfortunately, with no access do money, I would not be able to pay the rent if he were not here.

Thank you,

Thank you, Sue...unfortunately, I sent him the list before I even posted here, like a dysfunctional dumbass. I made the call to my insurance and then an inpatient facility and I'm going on Friday morning for an assessment and hopefully admittance. I have spoken with DD's dad and he is supportive and will be picking DD up from school on Friday and keeping her for the weekend (I usually take her to him after school). If I'm going to stay a little longer and be in a program, he will keep her longer.

best wishes and hugs. you

best wishes and hugs. you will receive in depth help in a case like this.

dear, dear dizzy. here are

dear, dear dizzy. here are some hugs. i know exactly how you feel.

please read:

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/

Thank you.

I didn't read all of the OP

I didn't read all of the OP or any of the responses.

Take your daughter and go to a shelter ASAP. The abuse you are living with will place you at the top of all their lists for housing vouchers.

They will give you a list of landlords who will accept the various vouchers.

They will help you apply for all of the programs ( food stamps, medicaid....).

They will make sure your daughter is transferred to another school.

They will set up job interviews for you and help you get into school.

They will provide counseling for you and your daughter.

You can't fix this on your own. Get out now.

Ok...so because of my severe

Ok...so because of my severe depression and anxiety and suicidal fantasies, and the above "list", I need help. I do not want to go to a shelter (multiple reasons), nor do I want to burden anyone with my presence. But I do need to be away from DH to begin to unravel the mess in my mind and soul. So, I checked my insurance coverage and there is great coverage for for a really good inpatient facility in my area. I am going for an assessment on Friday morning, hoping they recommend I stay. I called my DD's dad and he was so supportive (he knows some of the history), he will be picking DD up from school on Friday and keeping her thru the weekend (his usual), and longer, if necessary. I'm sending her sax and keyboard home with him tonight when he takes her to dinner.

Also, I want to clarify: I do not feel in danger, nor have I ever felt my DD was in danger of any physical or sexual abuse at the hands of my DH. The worse thing, which I feel awful for, is that she has witnessed/heard arguments and has witnessed this depression take me over time and again. It is not right or healthy and I need to do better for her.