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Nope, sorry, not gonna happen.

secret's picture

Hallowe'en - we have plans to take the kids out. This will be the last year my son does it - he's tall and patchy-hair-faced so this is it for him. We're going with some friends who have kids - there will be a group of us, about 18 of us (6 adults, the rest kids). We have a few stops to make that have already been put on the itinerary... some friends, some of my family, some of their friends/family... we have a small party to go to... and then we're going to check out some pumpkin carvings.

We've had these plans for a while, and we bought tickets to get into the pumpkin thing. (7$ each, but still.)

DH just told me that BM wants to take ss trick or treating... dh told her that no, he's already made plans with other people to go trick or treating in a group. He said she asked who, he told her she didn't know any of them. He said she said maybe she could come with us.... I pretty much cut him off and asked him if he was well.... he laughed and said he knew I was going to say that.

I told him N.O. NO. He said he figured as much... but that maybe we should consider it.

My turn to laugh, and I told him I had to go.


WTF...REALLY's picture

Who took their son trick-or-treating last year? The mom or the dad?

WTF...REALLY's picture

The Mom, dad and thier son?

Sounds like she wants to spend this year with her child. Perhaps split the evening.

secret's picture

Yes. It's what they had done in years past, even though they'd been split for a couple years... and despite having known DH for a few years, our relationship was still relatively new, so who was I to say anything about how they chose to co-parent they very young child?

It wasn't long after that I caught on as to how nuts she was... and dh never played "pretend happy family" again.

If she wanted the kid for a while, she could have asked to have him for a while...not come with us.

(I have no issues if BM wants to pick him up at school and then bring him back before we go to the party (7pm, trick or treating is pretty much over for little kids anyway.)

secret's picture

DH still has ss 100% of the time.

There have been 3 short visits. The next one is "scheduled" for October 27 - from after school to 8pm. She'll probably flake again though.

Their old arrangement was that dh had him all evening every evening... ss only went home to bm for bed. BM spent 20 minutes at night, if that.. it was usually bed right after an episode of Paw Patrol... and in the mornings she'd wake the kid up at 7:15 to take to daycare for 7:30. DH usually had ss all weekend every weekend.

queensway's picture

Do you thinks she will dress up for Halloween and follow you all around? She has done a few things that are kind of weird.

secret's picture

lol, I wouldn't put it past her... but little does she know, our starting point is not our house... muahahaha

queensway's picture

Keep your eyes open Secret.LOL Have you seen the movie IT! It could be her in costume. }:)

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

My Skid's BM does similar... Basically plans last minute and wants us to jump... Also invites herself to stuff or talks to MIL behind our backs (MIL just needs o knock that off...) so I feel you. Some BMs just like having the control and idk... get weirdly turned on or some s*** when they can make a last minute change and it works? *eye roll*

If it makes you feel any better:.. DH agreed for us to hang out with BM's SM and Dad for Halloween... Without the ex of course (thank goodness) but still... They keep tying to basically adopt me... Like calling my future child (I'm not even pregnant FYI) theirs, or informing me we need another boy and to get on that... Making their grandkids call me "Auntie." It's unsettling...

secret's picture

yuck. Lucky for me, dh doesn't have family here - they're all in the eastern part of the country... and have recently cut bm out of their lives too.

DH occasionally runs into bm's parents, and he'll chit chat etc... fine, be cordial. I do the same with ex's parents if I have the misfortune of having to be around them for brief periods of time. BUT... like hell he's going to hang out with his ex's parents.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If only my DH understood like you do! He basically told me because they're the kids family they're his family. And I was sitting there trying to calculate who he thought he was married to for a minute:.. Oh DH and the naive side that he has when it comes to my need for boundaries and structure. lol.

Also I'm the one without family or friends here... So I'm a bit envious of you. My nearest family is either 28 hours by car, or 4 and a half by plane... Meanwhile all of his and the ex's are right here and I'm drowning in isolation some days.

secret's picture

mmmm no... it means they're the KIDS' family. Some people. LOL

That's like DH. We're in Ontario, Canada, his family's in Newfoundland.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

His mom is even worse. "Well BM is part of your family too. We don't want the girls feeling their family is separated." I laughed and then told DH if he ever pulled s*** like that he can expect a broken nose. Lol. My MIL is special... Yet shockingly even he said anythig ever happens to DH we're moving to an island with the Skids before we ever hand them back over to BM. People are confusing. Lol

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's what I said. Her face was f***ing priceless. I asked what she thought divorce meant... Literally didn't have a real answer. For being a stepmom too she's shockingly clueless sometimes...

queensway's picture

Why can't she go with you? LOL NO WAY! Halloween is on a Tuesday this year. Most people will be having Halloween parties the Friday or Saturday before Halloween. Maybe your BM could have a small Halloween party for her son with some friends on Oct 28th. That way she can enjoy Halloween with him then. Are you doing every other year with the childs holidays? If so she needs to understand that.

queensway's picture

Secrets BM is intrusive. They are not friends. To suggest that she should go with them is crazy. But you are right the weekend before Halloween there is always stuff going on. Plus the little guy can dress up a few times for Halloween.

secret's picture

we're definitely not friends.

Don't get me wrong... if she wasn't a psychotic controlling nutjob, I might have no issues being around her. I've actually had BM's mother and stepfather in my home, have gone out for breakfast with them... they're lovely people.

But she's highly toxic... and that's a huge nono for the privilege of being around me. (lol)

secret's picture

true - if she was actually interested, she'd ask to take him to a kid centric event. Not spend time with us.

secret's picture

that's what I think. When she used to constantly call or text, if she wasn't screaming at him and calling him names, she was being sickly sweet, inquiring about his friends, life, family...bleh. He never really indulged her... but she didn't like it when he eventually came right out and told her it was none of her business, who did she think she was... stop asking... lol

secret's picture

I think he was just yanking my chain... but if so it's in poor taste.

She has a "scheduled visit" with ss on the 27th. She can dress him up to her heart's content then. If she shows up to get him.

Disneyfan's picture

Since both parents want to do something with the kid, why can't they each have him for a few hours?

secret's picture

I wouldn't have a problem with that.

That's not what she asked, though. She wants to come with.

Problem is... and maybe it's just me overthinking it... is that if she takes him, then brings him back, she could then try and tag along and it will just be bad for everyone involved. Mostly her, because she might get high fived. In the face. With a chair. Blum 3

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I prefer more aggressive High for methods. With a car for instance. Preferably a truck.

secret's picture

lol... she wouldn't need a halloween costume.

she looks ravaged. She's very overweight... has greasy hair...wears glasses... needs braces... and has acne. Her eyes are too close together, her nose is turned up so you see up her nostrils... the end is bulbous... and she has no neck, just rolls. She purses her lips up... reminds me of a blowfish.

When she walks, her thighs touch all the way to her knees, then the bottom part of her legs turn out... she can be standing with her legs together, but her feet are still a good 8 inches apart. She waddles when she walks, and wears these stupid form fitting maxi-type dresses... oh they form fit alright... every roll is very form fitted.

Pregnancy and a crap lifestyle did not treat her well.

This is her, 4 years ago.

She's gained a good 50-60 pounds since then.

I love dogs's picture

I won't comment on BM but what a cute baby SS was!! As for my situation, I don't know how my husband slept with BM in the first place. She is super skinny and looked like a boy before she got her boobs done, has huge teeth, extremely thin hair, and the most annoying voice. Now she has graying hair and smoker wrinkles at only 34 but she looks more like 45. DH says he dodged that bullet and has commented multiple times on how awful she looks now. He also used to drink a lot when he got with her so..

secret's picture

meh... there's much much worse tearing down going on all over this site on a daily basis, between members towards each other, than anything I ever posted about BM's looks.

I respect your opinion, but this is truly petty when you look at it next to the treatment of some members by others.

DaizyDuke's picture

Oh boy, I honestly feel kind of sorry for BM. As a mom myself, who loves Halloween, I would be devastated if I had to miss out on trick-or-treating with BS7.

I would also DESPISE having BM tag along... so that leaves splitting the time? Is that feasible? Like let's say trick or treat time lasts 4 hours, can he get 1.5 with you and 1.5 with BM (the other half hour travel/meet time?) or does BM live too far away?

secret's picture

It's feasible yes.

I don't feel bad for her. She dumped her kid... what did she expect if not to miss out on stuff?

BM lives 10 minutes away by car.

Acratopotes's picture

secret - allow BM to come with and tell her all adults are dressing like....... some stupid costume,

then you dress in a sexy french maid outfit .... hang onto DH and flirt Wink Be overly friendly with SS keep on sending him with the other children,
keep your friends engaged with you and DH...... ok I'm kidding...

Simply tell DH, Hell NO, I don't think he was joking, I think he already said maybe BM.. she takes it as YES BM...
I would simply tell DH... she dumped SS, she can't come back now playing mother cause we got married, cause she will dump him again and again and again, do you really want your son to go through that physiological abuse year after year? This is what our BM did... as soon as she figured Aergia gets along with me and we do things together she swept in and stuffed every thing up, Aergia then would change to a brat... after the second time this happened I disengaged and it's really sad, even SO told me... he never should've allowed it, now Aergia has no female adult in her life and he knows I will never open up to her again, BM once again wrote her a letter after yesterday's school issue that she behaves like a brat and BM is dis owning her as a daughter... it's the 5th letter of this kind

secret's picture

lol DH was TOTALLY joking when he said it. It's the first thing he said to me when he walked in the door yesterday, because I didn't respond to his messages after his stupid phone call... not with anything other than "ok" or "love you too", anyway...

he was laughing... I told him it wasn't funny. He kept laughing and apologized, he said it was just too good a setup not to take advantage of it. He said of COURSE he told her no, but that she could take him from 5 - 7. (She'll probably flake... so now I have to have a plan Dirol

That was that.

strugglingSM's picture

Yeah, no...when you're divorced you have to accept the fact that you do not have full control over the child and you have to allow the other parent to enjoy time with the child, without you constantly butting in. If you have a wonderful, best friend relationship with your ex, then maybe you can both share in child events together (but if you have a wonderful, best friend relationship with your ex, why did you get divorced?). The vast majority of people do not have wonderful, best friend relationships with their exes, so they have to suck it up and miss some things with their children, so the other parent can experience some things with the children.

When DH and I were first engaged, after BM started acting crazy, I cut her off. I avoided being any place where she would be and didn't talk to her. This drove her nuts. She cried to DH on multiple occasions about "why can't she be friend with me?" I thought to myself, "thank you for confirming that I made the right, decision." DH told her in one such exchange, "I think you're just very different people" and then had the nerve to say to me, "maybe someday, you could be friends with her." I was like, "what is your problem? you aren't even friends with her? why did you feel the need to comfort her over my very justifiable avoidance of her? why didn't you protect me by ending the conversation as soon as she started talking about me." This is the same woman who told DH that I "might be a child abuser" based on no evidence whatsoever and told her family and DH's family that I "wanted to move next door" to her, so DH could stop paying child support and also, so I could take her kids away from her. Seriously, DH, you no longer have to make BM feel ok about things - she is your ex wife - you need to be making sure that I, your wife, am not exposed to her craziness!