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New Member and losing my mind....

scook10's picture

Back story (I'm not familiar with the abbreviations you guys use yet, so I'm just going to try to keep it brief instead)

My guy SO and I have been together almost 2 years. He has two ex wives and one child with each. Daughter is 21 and lives with mom and is a moderate visitor with her dad. Son is 11 and is in shared custody with SO and his mom. I have 4 kids, three of them still live at home, their ages are 26, 17, 16, and 13. Two weeks into our relationship, SS mom tells him that I am a pole dancer and that she doesn't think that it's good for him to be around me. I almost walked out then. But SO told me he really liked me and didn't want her to win so he yelled at her and that was that. That was February. In july, he ended our relationship because he was finalizing his divorce with SS mom and she was basically demanding everything and he was terrified of what the financial outcome would be if he didn't cave so the easiest route was for him to end our relationship. Except what he told me and the ex, and his kids, is that I would not allow him to coparent effectively because I wanted boundaries. 3 weeks later he wanted to get back together, and I agreed after telling him that he should not have lied about why he ended it. Then in November he broke it off again because he wasn't sure he wanted to get married like I do, and told his daughter that we won't be getting back together but then changed his mind again and we got back together after I told him he has to be authentic and it's okay to not want what I want as long he's honest. After this, his daughter started acting very avoidant and made him promise to not talk about me and not involve her in our relationship. I wasn't aware until recently that she felt so strongly about me, or our relationship. So I was trying to be friendly with her, liking her social media pictures, occassional supportive messages, what have you. Trying to be friends. Not aware that she felt the way she did. But eventually picked up on that notion and realized she didn't want me around her. I started avoiding acitivities for his son, her brother,  just to give her the space from me. Well SO kept asking me to go and  I refused thinking that was the right thing to do.Until one day a few weeks ago he messaged her and said they need to have a talk and get to the bottom of whats going on and how to make amends. She flipped out and said it's no longer about me, it's about him and him breaking his promise and she doesn't want to be involved period and he better stop asking her. So that caused some tension. In June we all moved in together, before I knew she felt so strongly. Things were going well with his son and my kids. But the tension of me not going and his daughter flipping out took it's toll and we got into a fight a couple weeks ago. SO stormed into the house and told his son to get his stuff so he could get dropped off at his moms. I remained calm and told him it was okay and that SS should finish his dinner first and said I needed to run an errand. Just to diffuse the situation. Well after I left , he told his son that they were moving out! In front of my kids. So my daughter told him that was so unfair to say and that he was wrong. Later that night SO decided he was wrong for saying that to his son and in front of my kids, but now SS is uncomfortable. He told his mom, who told his sister and her mom, and now they are all against me/us. Last weekend was the last baseball tournament for SS and they all went and had a great time while I was excluded. Needless to say that hurt like hell and I have done nothing but try to fit in and be nice. His exes and kids can't say a bad word about me, so do you know what they say about me? They say I'm 'too much' and 'try too hard' because i have given gifts or reached out to be friendly and welcoming versus looking like I'm trying to steal my SO from them all. Its incredulous to me that they can use niceness against me! And now SO feels like an ass for badmouthing me and leaving me over and over, but the damage has been done. I have insisted we start counseling to learn some tools to help us and deal with this mess. But I'm feeling pretty discouraged and like I'll always be an outsider and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that. But I do love him and want so badly for it to work out. Now, on August 14 there is a baseball game that SO wants me to attend with him, while his daugter goes with her brother and his mom as a group and we are on our own. He will go no matter what to support his son, as he should, but I'm not sure my going is a good idea? He says we have to show them we are a united front and that I'm not going anywhere. But I feel like I'll just be crying on the inside the whole time knowing they all hate me and don't want me there. Is this how it's always going to be? Always having to be on the outside or feel like trash when I'm around them? I'm rambling I know, but I have no flipping idea what to do here and some sage advice would be really awesome right now. Help!


Aniki's picture

Sweetie, how many times are you going to let this man dump you?? You deserve better than this and your children deserve to see their mother CHERISHED and LOVED. Not treated as an expendable. {{{hugs}}}

StepMamaBear6's picture

This.  I kept reading that he storms off like a child having a tantrum and you just keep letting him back into your life.  

This man-child needs to grow up.  He probably needs some time in between his divorce and a new relationship.  He wasn't even divorced when you guys got together (not implying cheating - just that he had no time to stand on his own).  This relationship has an expiration date on it - I'm sorry!  Sad

scook10's picture

Just to clarify, they had been separated and living separately for almost 5 years by the time we met. He had only begun dating the year before we met. So he was on his own for over 3 years by the time he started dating again. Not sure it makes a difference but to be fair I wanted to clarify. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Your SO is not consistent and yes it will ALWAYS be like this if he doesn't put his foot down and maintain boundaries. The fact that he has broken up with you several times and bad mouths you, only shows his kids and BM's that he has no respect for you. If he doesn't respect you why should they?

You have 4 children to look after I'd walk away from this and focus on your kids. He doesn't seem to know what he wants and is not creating any healthy boundaries for you to feel included and welcomed.

If he's willing to try counseling to remedy this that's great, if not be prepared to endure a lifetime of drama and headaches.

scook10's picture

I'm so overwhelmed I forgot to mention that I AM NOT A POLE DANCER! She totally made that up. 


SO does want to try counseling, We start on Friday. I do love him and he is very sorry for what's been done. But maybe it's too much too late? I don't know. 

And I guess I didn't see it that way, if he doesn't respect me why should they? Hmmm. Got me thinking now. 

Aniki's picture

Who cares if you ARE a pole dancer??? It's honest money. You're not stealing or selling drugs. Frankly, pole dancing done well is an art form. IMHO.

Of course he's sorry for what he's done. I imagine you do things that he would miss if you were out of the picture.

One of the first things I would bring up with the counselor is that SO habitually dumps you. I hope that counseling is not simply window-dressing on his part.

We don't choose who we love, but we CAN choose how we allow them to treat us. He's treating you like caca.

scook10's picture

I was just going to ask if I should tell the counselor EVERYTHING. I don't want to seem like I'm blaming him only. I'm not perfect, but I do feel like I've tried very hard and always been willing to do my part, More even. 

Aniki's picture

The point of counseling is to bare you insides and get answers. You don't have to do it all at once. The longer you are in counseling, the easier it should be to tell the counselor things.

However, this first time out, you CAN say something like, "It bothers me that SO has dumped me X amount of times and now says he's moving out. I wonder if *I* am doing anything that makes him feel like us splitting is the only option. I think we need better communication skills."

Honestly, I don't think that you are doing anything wrong. I think that's his go-to.

Gimlet's picture


Well stated, Aniki.  

simifan's picture

You deserve so much more. Invoving others in your arguements & breaking up with you often. He has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. He will never be the man you wish him to be. 

Aniki's picture

No, you are not. You should get out of counseling what you put into it. YOU want to try. Your SO may only be making a half-hearted attempt to keep you around. But please realize that counseling may help you have the strength to finally let go of this man.

thinkthrice's picture

says this guy will blather the "I don't need counseling; I'm practically perfect in every way"  Then if OP threatens to leave, he'll put on a dog and pony show and "agree to counseling" (TM)

Aniki's picture

Per OP, he agreed to go. If he DOES go, I believe he will blather and put on a dog and pony show for the counselor and a) try make OP the bad guy or b) lie through his teeth and promise to change.

Honestly, I think OP needs counseling for herself to understand why she continues to allow this poopie head to treat her so poorly.

Maxwell09's picture

No wonder the daughter doesn’t want to connect with you. Her dad can’t decide to keep you around longer than a months time. That’s got to be draining especially if she treating her like a pal and sharing all the gory details of every little fight y’all have. He’s a flake and I don’t blame his Exes or his kids for not encouraging a bonding relationship with you since the both of you have proven multiple times over that you are not a permanent fixture in their lives. 

scook10's picture

I see your point. But I’m unsure how I’VE proven that? I’ve made great efforts to be here and be involved. 

Gimlet's picture

It's Steplife, where the rules are made up and the SM's efforts don't matter.

(That's a Whose Line reference in case you thought I was being snarky.  I am, I guess, just not towards you)

thinkthrice's picture

SAVE YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN!!! RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS DICKLESS CHILD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.  The only time he used his balls was creating two biological extrusions with two GUBMs.

thinkthrice's picture

golden uterus complex/syndrome

MidwestMrs's picture

Oh boy. I think this guy has shown you lots of times just what he is. The others are right. Let him move out then block his phone numbrr. See a counseler and find why you're willing to put up with his BS. you'll be happier. Your kids will be happier.

Curious Georgetta's picture

think that your relationship is too drama laden for them to want to be involved.

Given the mercurial nature of your partner, it is amazing that you want to stay.