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Back again after my ass chewing from my first post...

scook10's picture

Okay, maybe not an ass chewing, LOL, but definitely heard some hard opinions of my SO and even of me. But it's been months. Things were going sooooooooo well! My 3 kids and my SS age 11 who is with us half the time have been doing awesome! Even SD age 21 came over for Christmas and was very friendly with me. It was so nice and made me all warm and squishy. Then.....

 

SO decided he was going to propose to me. He told kids and SS was totally okay with it, and SD was hesitant but didn't object. Until two days later when SS went back to BM and she convinced him, as well as SD that is was too soon. We have been together for 2 years and living together for 9 months now. We are all here and invested and to separate now would be much like a divorce as we are so enmeshed. And we are happy. Until this drama starts flowing and it goes back to SD and one of the exes saying I'm 'too nice" and "try too hard". I just literally cannot win with these people. I refuse to give up on my relationship, but if SO caves under this pressure from an adult child and an ex spouse, than I will reconsider. SS is totally fine with it again after SO told him that we are already living our lives right now exactly how it would be when we are married, he was like 'oh, that makes sense. Yeah, I want you guys to do it!"

 

Now, I hate kids being in the middle.  And i don't want to put anyone there, but I also don't want to let them control my life. So we went back to counseling and the counselor doesn't believe the issue is even me. She thinks that the BM and SD have issues with my SO and are taking it out on me. And that being gentle but firm about our plans is appropriate. Sigh.... I hope so. I don't want to hurt anyone. Myself included. This blended family life is so hard. 

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

Your problem is that you are worried about hurting feelings over something that is no ones business but you and your SO. It's nice that you want to ensure the kids are ok with you both getting married but if they are not and you allow that to control your every move.....you're in for a life of misery. This is YOUR life! Not your step kids, BM, or anyone else. They have no say or power on who you marry and what you do.

"If SO caves under this pressure from an adult child and an ex spouse, than I will reconsider."

If your SO caves and gives in to their demands you shoud really consider walking away and never looking back. If he doesn't have the b@lls to stand in his truth and own his sh!t, than your entire relationship is doomed.

 

advice.only2's picture

So were you a pole dancer? Lol, it appears that your SO is easily swayed by his children and ex spouses telling him what he should and shouldn't do. I'm not sure if that's going to work out well for your relationship since it appers he only listens to people whom he used to care about.

Aniki's picture

Too soon, too flamboyant, wrong time of day, the skid is not ready, the EX is not ready.... No, no, no. Marriage is a decision made by two consenting adults.

You two broke up, what, back in November? And are back together. Are your issues resolved or in the process of being resolved? Hon, if he is going to let someone other than his potential future spouse dictate the time of his marriage? You have your answer.

scook10's picture

We have been solid, minus arguments over SK/ex drama for over a year. And counseling has helped us to turn TO each other instead of ON each other when dealing with it. Neither one of us is a saint, but I don't think we are experiencing anything that other blended families haven't experienced. No I wasn't a pole dancer like she claimed, I took a class for fun exercise a couple times. LOL! BM is HC in a major way and is constantly meddling and creating friction, which has improved since counseling and boundary setting. 

 

I only worry that his adult daughter will influence his decision, not the exes. He is scared to lose her because she has threatened that before so I understand his fear, but don't think postponing getting engaged or married is the appropriate response. And he says he agrees and that he is waiting for the way to surprise me and he doesn't want it to be rushed because I'm afraid. I need to practice some patience here, I know. I guess I have a fear of history repeating itself, but maybe the issue right now is me and my not being able to just breathe and stop caring TOO much about everyone else and their opinions. He is so good at just ignoring them and pretending none of it is happening, which is so not my style. He's very passive and I'm assertive. So I fear no action equals condoning disrespect towards me. 

 

Shoot.... I just realized that I am acting like a complete maniac and living in fear of things I can't control. It isn't until I start typing a manifesto of my feelings that I realize they are mostly centered on MY fears. 

 

I appreciate ya'll and your feedback. Helps me sort it out in my head. 

Aniki's picture

counseling has helped us to turn TO each other instead of ON each other when dealing with it

Good!!!

I said it before and I'll say it again...pole dancing done well is an art form. Dirol

Siemprematahari's picture

Nothing wrong with pole dancing and SO WHAT if you did this on the regular.......

Have fun and to h@ll with em' all!!!

Lndsy747's picture

I get what the family is saying a little honestly. I know you've been together for over two years but you've broken up at least 3 times in that period. With that being said it's not their business and they shouldn't have any say.

If things have been going well since August that's great but I'm not sure that's really long enough to be sure that he won't turn back. If you get engaged if recommend a longer engagement 

Also, don't worry about pleasing everyone. Trust me, I know,  that's easier said than done.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think you and your DH are rushing things, especially since you both should be putting the welfare of your minor children first.

You may have been "together" for two years, but much of that time has been marred by fighting, break ups, and other unhealthy behaviors that would jeopardize any healthy relationship.

Stop listening to your DH or the peanut gallery, and look at the cold hard facts: the divorce rate for second marriages is a staggering 67 percent. And third marriages? 73-74 percent fail. Add in an alienating BM and bi!chy SD, and in poker parlance, you've got a losing hand.

Nine months is just a lull, not proof of permanent change. I question your SO's judgement in proposing so soon, but it seems he's made many relationship mistakes so you need to be wise enough for both of you. Opt for a very long engagement - one that lasts until all of your children are launched - and continue with counseling. This is a high risk man, and your children deserve to come first. Additionally, on your own meet with a financial counselor to fully explore the financial ramifications of saying I Do. Run the numbers of single vs. married so you can make an informed decision based in logic. Think of your kids,  your duty to them and slooow dooown.

scook10's picture

I appreciate the suggestion to slow down but I plan to be enraged about  one and a half to two years before saying I do. For many reasons including financial ones. But I will not continue to live with someone with no form of commitment for the future and who isn’t willing to show that commitment to myself and everyone else. It doesn’t have to be rushed but it shouldn’t be postponed because a territorial ex and an adult child takenissue with it. I am totally and completely willing to take a longer engagement to allow some fences to be mended if you will, but I won’t let others control our relationship either. That is precisely what got us here to begin with. So I’m trying to find a balance that puts us in control of our life together yet respects and supports the kids involved. Of the kids, all are okay except the adult daughter.... so the minor children are excited about becoming a married family someday. If the smaller ones were truly upset or worried that might be a different story. 

 

This is is a tactic used by a HCBM to try and manipulate people into having a fit to try and break us up. That’s been the issue from day one. The good news is that WE are getting stronger at having boundaries and not letting her interfere and therefore my SO isn’t leaving or walking away when it gets hard anymore. She controlled everything before me. Now he’s putting his foot down and she hates it and makes life hell for him. So that’s why he left. Not because he and I have issues. We get along amazingly. And our kids that live at home do as well. They Call each other family and enjoy their time together. 

 

If I tried to type out all the history it would take days but I think you get the gist now. We have worked hard to get to where we are and we own our past  mistakes but won’t let them dictate the future. Especially when it boils down to the ex trying to sabotage things in any way she can. Even if it hurts kids. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Good for you for insisting on a formal engagement instead of just shacking up, and also for wanting a long engagement.

It's not a matter of IF there will be more drama from BM and SD but WHEN, and your fiance has handled these things poorly in the past. That's why I suggested you continue with counseling - to improve his communication skills and learn strategies to handle step problems in a healthy manner. 

With the odds that are against this relationship, you and your fiance both need to commit 100 percent to working as a team so you can better parent and handle the slings and arrows of steplife. If he's not ready to change, willing to put the work into owning past mistakes, and prepared to stand up to his ex wife and adult daughter, cut your losses now instead of putting your kids through more upheaval.

scook10's picture

Oh yes... we will stick with counseling FOR SURE! It has really helped us and will continue to do so. If we weren't committed to doing the work, I wouldn't stay! 

BM is a nightmare and that won't change. We can only control our reaction, or better yet, lack thereof to her nonsense. SD? I'm hoping she will come around one day and stop drinking her brother's mother's kool aid. Both of his exes are beyond wierd and have some territorial attachment to him, even though they have partners of their own. He just didn't have good boundaries before because he remained single and didn't have family of his own to help with kids when needed. He relied solely on them.

 

He's a good guy. He's made mistakes, yes. But so have I. I choose to show him grace and believe that he is geniune and I have seen him setting boundaries and having my back consistently for some time now. 

Mrs Fireball's picture

Why did your fiancee consult with his kids before proposing? And why is he having these conversations with BM? That tells me he is not ready to  be a partner. He's still tied to BM in an unhealthy way. Do you want to be with a man who needs permission from others to make his life choices?

Have you ever read The Rules? Murphy's Law mentioned that book the other day. Highly recommended. Good stuff. 

 

 

scook10's picture

He didn't ASK them about getting married. He just told them his plans because he felt it was appropriate to do. He didn't anticipate their reactions once they were away from him for 24 hours. I truly believe BM is the root cause of most of it. But I can't prove it of course. 

 

I have not read that book. But I will most certainly look into it. Is it about stepfamily life? or relationships? Just so I know what I'm looking for. TIA!

Winterglow's picture

I really don't understand why you are so keen on keeping this guy:

  • He breaks up with you at the drop of a hat
  • He is enmeshed with his ex-wives
  • He asks his children's opinion on his life choices

Who the heck would want a man who can't make his own decisions and asks anyone and everyone for their opinions?! 

His exes' opinions should not matter to him - not their business.

He should not be asking his children about marrying you - it's an adult situation that is not theirs to decide.

Please tell me why this person is such a catch because I can't see it.

 

scook10's picture

Because I love him. And I know he didn't INTENTIONALLY try to hurt me. He didn't have good boundaries, and that was part of the problem. But he's working hard on it. So am I. with professional counseling. I believe he deserves the benefit of the doubt right now. 

The exes opinions do not matter to him. it's his adult daughter's opinion that made us sad. he isn't letting her choose for him from what he says. This is MY fear that she will convince him. he says he plans to continue on and that she will have to get over the past and see us for what we are today and all the hard work we have done. He's being positive and supportive and having my back. 

 

I am the one who is having the fear and venting in a place where I won't hurt anyone's feelings by doing so. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I understand not wanting to live with a man not married and not engaged but why did you move in then? You want to rush with engagement because you’ve moved in. That makes no sense to me. You could always move out and date until he is ready for commitment 

No one needs a man that bad. He keeps fighting with you and dumping you and now says he won’t marry you because his ex and kids don’t want him to. Geez. Who needs this loser