Hope some of these one liners give you a small smile or chuckle.

If I have to "put my big girl panties on and deal with it" many more times, I'm gonna wear out the elastic and really show my a**!!

If you have a man that cheated on you, send the new girlfriend flowers and thank her for saving your life!

Awwwww, I missed you. *Reloads Gun* But I won't miss again!

Nah. I don't have an attitude problem, well I have an attitude but it's not a problem lol

I don't need anger management...don't piss me off and I won't get angry!

Everyone got so hung up on learning tolerance they forgot to teach their children morals.

Where's the damn easy button?

My skids should come with a warning label: I am exactly like my mom

...If anyone needs to know anything please call my daughter it seems she knows everything. Should save me a lot on college

Woman at walmart asked me the name of "mommy's little helpers".
Judging by her face; "Xanax & Vodka" wasn't the response she was looking for.

I think men should come with a report like a used car does, Show me the MAN FAX!!

When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first...