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HELP & ADVISE PLZ - Go to school or get a job, if not the door is over there.

Sadie-TheCleaningLady's picture

Needing some advise and feedback from anyone that has been in this position. I have an SS18 who has just finished his final year of highschool. During this last year DH was pushing SS18 to decide what he wanted to do once he finished school as there was no way we are having him staying at home all day playing computer games. It’s either full time work or full time schooling to get a degree of some sort.
Quick background. SS18 has always hated school, never did any homework or just did the bare minimum so he could just pass. He didn’t study for his final school exams so I’m expecting a very low score to come. Playing computer games 24/7 was more important that getting an education.
Going back a few months ago, SS18 came up to DH and I and said that he wanted to get into the Airforce. DH and I had a big sigh of relief thinking that this kid is now getting his act together. He sat 2 interviews and was waiting for his appointment date to sit his last interview and physical before finding out if he has been excepted in.
Last night SS18 told DH that the job he was applying for in the Airforce is not available therefore he will not be doing his final interview. Now, I don’t know anything about the Defence Force and what’s involved but I don’t completely believe this story either.
So now we have a 18 year old who has no idea what he wants to do in life other than playing computer games. He will most likely not get a good enough exam result to get into any decent course even though we both told him he may need something to fall back on if the Airforce doesn’t work out.
I’m starting to feel sick to the stomach thinking that I’m am going to have an 18 year old SS still living with us at 30, still playing games 24/7 in his room, not doing any chores, being a disrespectful asshole and living off daddy and SM.

I read a few sites which mention to give him a deadline to get a full time job or enrol into college course otherwise show him the door. Even though DH has said this exact same thing to SS18 in the past, I don’t think he would actually follow through with kicking him out if push came to shove because SS18 has already been kicked out of BM house twice for not following rules, being an ass to his brothers and gaming all the time, so DH doesn’t want to come off as an uncaring parent like BM.

Any ideas on how to deal with this, I am at a total loss??


evilstepmotherJ's picture

DH and I came up with a "Adult living at home contract". My SD19 was enrolled after high school to go to our local university. The paperwork read basically you are to go to classes, do your best, work part time, and you are to clean your room and your bathroom and vacuum upstairs (about 20 feet of carpet). You shall live here free while in school full time. If this status changes, this contract will be re-negotiated. She signed it, DH signed it, and I signed it. She made it through one semester and promptly quit college. We gave her one week and sat her down again, we stated that now that she was not in school she was expected to work full time and pay $300 a month rent. She whined that she couldn't work full time because she was hoping to go to beauty school in 10 months and it would not be fair to her employer to quit after 10 months, we called bullshit, and stuck to our guns. Just between you, me and the wall, our plan was to put $150 of the $300 per month aside for her first months rent when she finally did move out but it never came to that, she refuses to work full time, feels we are horrible and promptly and secretively packed her things and moved in with her BF and his family. Adios. I'm so proud of DH because when we talk about how there is a chance she will try to come back if they break up, he firmly states "she will pay rent if not in school".

Yes we're so mean! ha ha.

Harleygurl's picture

My BS20 had to either be enrolled in school full-time to live at home for free or work and pay rent. He lasted two weeks in college. He knew I meant business though. Luckily he already had a job and started paying rent. He hated my rules though. Thought he should be able to come and go as he pleased, etc. Nope. He moved out and now has his own apartment, pays his own bills, and is looking into starting college in the Fall. Best thing that ever happened to him. Tough love but boy did he grow up fast! Called me after two months on his own and said "Mom, this grown-up stuff isn't as much fun as I thought it would be!" I chuckled for days!

SteelRose's picture

I sent bs18 off to Job Corps last year for a year b/c he dropped out of high school. Now ss20 is on his way any day now to Job Corps. Currently both are living here with us not working and sitting all day on the computer or xbox. But bs18 is signed up to start college in January and live on campus. If I hadn't done all the leg work though he wold still be doing nothing. Damn computers, I swear daily that I am going to stop paying for internet and cell phones. They gobble up kids brains and leave a lazy body lying around the parent's house doing nothing.

MickByMarriage's picture

I-m so happy Agree x4! I-m so happy

There are no "free rides" in the real world, and it's not "mean" or "uncaring" to enforce things like house rules, rent, and chores; on the contrary, you're preparing these kids for how life actually works, which is the parent's job.

DH and I recently established a chore routine with his kids (all under the age of 10). Simple things like set the table, load the dishwasher, wipe off the table, etc. Each skid gets one chore and we rotate them EOWE when we have them.

You should HEAR the wailing and gnashing of teeth though. When they ask "But WHY do we have to do chores?" I secretly want to slap them in their bratty little faces. Instead, DH and I simply say, "Because everyone has to help out and do their part." No further discussion; now do what you're told or be punished.

I love the idea of an "adult living at home" contract, something concrete that can be referenced. I didn't attend college immediately after high school, so I got a full-time job, paid my parents $150/mo. in rent, and moved out within 6 months because I found their rules to be "stifling." Like every other young adult who craves freedom, the novelty quickly wore off when I realized that "this adult stuff is not as much fun as I thought!" LOL

Just J's picture

I could have written this post myself. My SS came to live with us when he was 19. He was a college drop out with no job, no ambition and no desire to do anything but play his damn computer game 24/7. It pissed me off to no end to go to work every day while his ass slept til noon and stayed up til 3 am. But he knew from the get go of moving in with us that he'd be paying rent, and job or not, his rent would be adding up and he would be paying it when he got money. It took him six months to find a job and in between he signed up for some clinical trial and got paid a couple thousand dollars, so he paid us the $600 he owed in rent out of it and then started working.

Three and a half years later though, he's still pretty much in the same boat. Same job (which he hates but won't put in the effort to find a new one), same staying up til all hours playing his dumb game. He did finally make it back to school this semester, but only a whopping 2 classes at a junior college, and still not a whole lot of direction. He mentioned joining the Navy, which I think would be GREAT for him, but he is concerned about "being owned" by the government for 4 years (please, like has anything better going on). DH is trying to still encourage him, asking where he thinks he'll be in 4 years if he doesn't do it and telling him his life is going to just pass him by and he'll be 30 in the same position (though not in my house by then!).

Luckily DH agrees that his son cannot stay with us much longer. He feels that living with us and paying so little in rent is enabling him to not grow up. He is 23 and should have his shit together by now. I want to move after the school year, and I don't plan to move into a place big enough for him. He will be 24 by then and that is waaaaay to old to move with your parents. Time to move out on your own SS. Sadly, what will most likely happen is he'll move in with his grandmother, who babies him and gives him money and will just enable him to continue to be a man child waste of space. But at least it won't be happening at my house! DH and I have tried to help that kid, given him suggestions and direction, but he just won't listen to us. He thinks we are dumb and don't know what we are talking about. But that's ok, because when he's 30 and still has no life and gets too old to join the military, he can look back and realize he should have done something sooner. Not my problem!

You have to get the notion out of your DH's head that allowing him to stay at home and be a useless slug means he cares. He's not doing his son any favors letting him do nothing. BM kicking him out was her trying to give him a kick in the butt to DO SOMETHING. It's almost unfortunate that he had daddy to run to, because if he hadn't had that option, he'd have been forced to get off his lazy ass and figure it out.