I think there is a distinct difference between parenting and expecting common courtesy and respect from those in your home.

I think your reaction is correct and you should be afforded respect but I also think your choice of words may be able to be contrued as an attempt to parent. Maybe if had you asked your husband to please not allow his daughter to speak to you that way then he wouldn't have thought you were trying to parent.

I don't mean to split hairs but not only did your words try to parent but also tried to tell him how to parent. And I know very well how easy it is to spit things out when you are frustrated.

It's all in how you say it not what you say.

I let my DH "parent." I do not care if they chew with their mouths full of food, dress for summer in winter or ignore their homework.

My one rule: No one hurts ME or MY things.

For example -- SD6 refuses to eat anything green. Mich does not care, ignores, goes on with her day. But, when SD6 is fresh to me, draws with a pen that puts scratches into my table, ruins my hairbrush -- then, I speak up. Loudly.

:jawdrop:

He only said that because HE didn't want to discipline his kid for being rude and disrespectful. He wasn't dealing with the problem, so you spoke up for yourself. His response was to make you fearful your SD isn't going to like you.

It's impossible to live in the same household and not expect to deal with discipline problems from time to time. Even with me being completely disengaged I still have to deal with certain issues. And they mainly arise from disrespectful or discourteous behavior. But in my case, DH usually (not always because he can be a dips**t at times) beats me to the punch or backs me up.

I know from personal experience it will get worse before it gets better. His avoidance of the problem is only giving your SD a huge Green Light to continue the behavior.

Don't even get me started on the therapist. Sounds a lot like how DH's kid's therapist used advise our household. That is until she became a stepmother herself, her advice has since changed.

Are you married to your therapist??? If not then you need to fire the moron for being, well, A MORON!!!!

Don't parent children in your home??????? :jawdrop:

What kind of idiot would recommend that?

The next time you have a session with that dipshit ask them if they are moving in with you and DH to deal with the Skids.

I would give that moron the same message your DH should have. If they don't like how you parent/discipline then they should get it done before you have to.

Your message to your husband is bang on balls accurate. "There is no WAY your (any) kid is talking to me that way so when she tries expect me to respond".

No disrespect intended to those therapists with half a brain, but, how do these idiots even get in to college much less graduate?????

If your DH was embarrased by your calling SD directly on her behavior how embarrassed would he be if you turned to him and said "I will not be spoken to in that manner by anyone. Deal with her NOW!!!!"

I have a zero tolerance policy for coddling snotty brats. I have asked restaurant managers to remove incorrigible children from my presence when I am out for dinner and a kid is running amok while their parents ignore the little turds.

}:)

Best regards.

Try this with your DH ... "Ah so she can speak to ANYONE like that? How far do you think it will get her in school?"

I bet she wouldn't dream of speaking to her principal like that or her teacher.

As for 'non parenting'... disengage entirely. Eat your dinner first, make them wait until you are finished. Wash only your clothes. Choose things just for you and completely ignore her. Do not drive her anywhere, do not run errands, do not pick up after her unless it is to put EVERYTHING including uncapped markers into a bag and tossing it inside her room.

It wasn't until I disengaged from my s/sons that I got the respect I wanted. 1 Month of telling them "I can't do that. I aren't your parent. You had better call your mother or ask your dad." made them realise how much I added to their lives. It also pissed off their mother when they told her to run up here to drop off something they needed NOW! DH spoke to her about the boys attitude and I get the idea she told them to knock off the attitude towards me. She has never been psychoBM. She is slowly thawing out ... after 6 years.