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Foot, mouth, insert.

Rags's picture

DW has worked  820  hours in 10 weeks.  She is fried.

815hrs  of O/T so far this year.

I am getting to the end of my patience with her continuing to kill herself for this firm.  

She will not do anything to make a move.

Tonight she was venting about a client that chewed her ass for a half an hour over being informed that his failure to provide complete information meant that his tax return is not going out by the deadline.  She kept trying to reason with him.  

She was venting about it after she hung up and I bluntly pointed out that she had kept engaging in the conversation instead of telling him that as she had said several times he had not provided complete information and the conversation was over. CLICK.

Bad move on my part. She interpreted that as me saying she did not know what she was doing.  Those words neither left my mouth, nor entered my mind. She is truly brilliant at what she does.

The worse move on my part was saying

Those words never left my mouth, nor entered my mind so do not put words in my mouth. You are  exhausted, you are mad at your firm and you are mad at your asshole client.  You are not mad at me.  When are you going to leave for a career move that will give you a life? Give us a life?

She just closed down her computer and vented more.  

Did I bite my tongue?


I shoudl have. But... I didn't. She needed me to just listen. I have listened to this same stuff for 3 years. She won't do anything about it.  When I beg, she doesn't have time, not now, something always comes up, etc.... I think she is addicted to the adrenalin and rescuing the firm at the last minute every tax season. 

I am worried about her.  And my patience is exhaused.





Winterglow's picture

I see nothing wrong with what you said. The only mistake you made was saying it while "the iron was hot". She was in no state to hear it. So you try again later (give it a couple of days), when things are cooled down, and you put the emphasis on how your life as a couple is suffering. Make a list of the points you want to make and how you want to phrase them. Put them in the right order and use brute reason to get your message across.

Good luck.

justmakingthebest's picture

Sometimes you need to hear those words even when you don't want to. Give her some time to think about what you have said and once this is over, talk to her again about what this job is doing to her. It comes from a place of love, which is a good thing! Hopefully she can hear it and be able to set boundaries for herself within her firm. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

The only thing "wrong" with what you said is when you said it. Shwe DOES need to hear it, but not when she is at max capacity. It won't do anything except go in one ear and out the other.

As someone who is like your wife and will vent until I'm blue in the face, what works from my DH is him disengaging from it. He just stops entertaining my b*tching until I decide to do something about it. He can't be my emotional punching bag everytime work gets the better of me (and it does). Not having someone to offload onto meant I had to deal with it, which is exhausting. I have started to learn to either accept that this is what it is or fight back when it's needed. I'm not 100% reformed, but I definitely am more content with work now (until I can move on) and DH is more willing to listen when it's a truly bad day.

Try the same with her. When she starts up, tell her you love her but don't have the mental capacity to be downloaded onto. Then walk away. Circle back later to reiterate the love but she needs to find another way to handle her stress. Don't tell her how to do it - just that she needs to figure it out and you'll support whatever healthy behavior it is (for me, it's random drives, hot baths, and nights of sushi overload). Leaving her to have to deal with it all will likely cause her discomfort in the short-term, but she needs to realize how much it is actually impacting her. Getting to vent to you just lets her keep going at your expense.

thinkthrice's picture

Is a CPA with his own tax accounting  practice.   I can only say that with 87K additional IRS agents being unleashed on the general population, your DW's workload will only INcrease.   And there is something mesmorizing about accounting for those who are in the profession.  

I know DIL's dad has threatened to retire many, many times yet can't seem to bring himself to do it.  Good luck in getting her to slow down.  


CLove's picture

Did the OT hours take into account complaining clients?

Sounds like shes probably exhausted and at the end of her emotional rope. She needs to understand shes not a machine.

I dont think you said anything wrong, but in her current state theres not much you can say about it that would be "right". Just stick to what you are going to have for dinner when these things come up Biggrin

Rags's picture

She nearly worked herself into the hospital a year ago.  The stress and exhaustion contributed to a case of Shingles.

I am worried about her.

Sorry 2