If someone is invited to a family event, so is their SO. IMHO.
Thoughts?
I would not question for one bit if I was invited or DW was invited to a family event and the invitation did not specifically name the partner, say "Mr & Mrs", or say "+1".
We would happily show up and participate and let the chips fall where anyone who had a problem with it chose to drop their chips.
Family events (Weddings, Funerals, Graduations,Birthdays, Quinceaneras, Christinings, etc...). If we had the more contentious model of blended family marriage where
Of course if these were not family events and one of was invited as a guest, that is a different story.
If it is a work event and SOs are not invited, no problem.
But a family event, even in a blended family/COD situation, it would be game on and we would attend on each other's arm.
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Absolutely. We have never
Absolutely. We have never been in the situation of only DH being invited to an event with the ingrates because they know DH, after all, does have some boundaries and would push back. It has also been important to them to appear to others to be "the good ones" in the situation (clever). But, also, I think they have enjoyed being cruel to us at pubic events. Public events are punishments. I avoided all graduations (high school & college)--I knew I wasn't wanted there, anyway, and I certainly didn't want to be there, although we were both invited. At SD's wedding, I laid it on thick and even hugged BM, sat with her at dinner and chatted her up, tortured her and destroyed the image she had publicly created of me (we were so insulted; we were told that private security had been hired for the wedding in fear of people acting out/up). I chatted with BM's family members. Bwahahha!
SD invites DH to visit her on a regular basis. My name is never mentioned. But that's a private toxic event, not a public one. At least we're on the same page now: I want nothing to do with her.
Well played at the wedding MM. Golf clap!
Either we are both invited
Or we don't go. No questions about it
That is always an option. It is okay too.
Play your cards well. As every gambler knows.... You gotta know when to hold, and know when to fold them.
I tend to go all in and play my cards fully in the faces of the toxic.
I do agree that in general..
I do agree that in general.. this is right. However.. we all know there are super toxic situations.. esp more common in steplife.. and I am damned if I would feel obligated to invite even a bio family member with whom I had a toxic relationship.
It would be very hard in certain situations to include a spouse of a family member that may have had big issues with another family member too. A parent that may have cheated and then married that person they cheated with.. yeah.. that is a tall ask to look to your child to rise above that easily (not that we should let the cheater off the hook.. but bio relationships are complex)
BUT.. if you do have ample reason for not inviting someone's spouse.. then you must be well prepared to have that person decline the invitation.
AND.. as the sp.. spouse.. I also am able to decline an invitation on my behalf and allow my spouse to go alone if I want to avoid it myself.
I can also decline family events if I want.. like I have done several times when my SD had wedding or showers etc.. I sent gifts and the additional gift of my absence..haha.
This is My Stance
While it's not been an issue (me not being invited), I clearly know it's only because DHs kids knew he'd have not tolerated that. I also experienced a few "events" where, as MorningMia said, it was an opportunity for them to be cruel to me. Those were rare because even DH didn't get invited to a lot of his kids' events due to the BM.
Even before I was "no contact," I refused invites to stuff and DH went on his own. Why the hell would I want to go to a "celebration" event of people I have no relation with and have a past of toxic interactions??? DH gets to explain why I'm not there and I get a block of time for myself. I have not attended a wedding, graduations and grandkid birthday parties. And I've not had one ill feeling about NOT going. LOL
And I agree...I have family that I really don't get involved with so can SKs, who are of no relation, expect anything different???
That's true, but i think that
That's true, but i think that in all but very special cases, a person should decline an invitation where their spouse isn't welcome to join them if it's a thing that spouses usually do together. Unless your spouse has done something horrible (and why would you be with someone who does horrible things?), you should insist on them being respected. And in the cheating case, both halves of the new couple are guilty. Cheating Dad gets to hang with his previous family while his wife has to stay home like a dirty secret? Especially in these cases where he's there with BM at a close family gathering. It's like he's still cheating IMO. He hasn't made a stand for either his previous or his current wife, he's still going back and forth emotionally if not sexually.
Like I said..it's complicated
Like I said..it's complicated.. people are complicated.. sometimes people just aren't ready or able to nuke their family bio relationship.. right or wrong.. it is what it is. Also, you can have competing issues.. you have a parent that was cheated on.. that my not well be able to face the couple in question together.. they may be able to tolerate their EX.. but the visual of the new partner may be a bridge too far for them.. and yes.. that is a "them" problem.. but you have a kid who is stuck squarely in the middle and trying to navigate multiple other people's feelings and behaviors.. and it's tough to get it perfect.
I personally would prefer no joint things after divoce.. but that's not 100% realistic. And.. father's are often the ones who are put in a hat in hand position by courts that have long favored BM's.. where they are terrified of not doing every small thing lest they completely lose anything with their kids... so they swallow and accept a lot.. and the new spouse often "suffers" from that.
Maybe they should'nt be married?/ but they are.. and sometimes we just are in untennable situations.. and not all choices are great.. no matter what. again.. I am not showing up to my SD's showers etc.. with their mother present.. won't go to weddings etc.. not if mom is there. Imho.. life is too short to be around people that I don't want to.. so I don't!
The nuke option is a scary thing.
The opposition playing the nuke option when they are held accountable is certainly possible.
The thing about the nuke option is the whole MAD concept. Mutually assured destruction destroys everyone. Though on the quality side of the equation destruction is not much of a risk. The quality side generally tends to get on with living well and increasing their joy in life. When the toxic opposition side tries to play the nuke card they tend to get shredded by the facts.
They may not realize or recognize it but their community, their extended family, etc, etc, etc... knows it and often tends to avoid the toxic radioactivity.
IMHO making them live the facts of their behaviors and performance is not nuking them. Though many in that side of things will struggle to get past the fee fees related to the facts of their behaviors and performance being broadcast. While the concept fo the scarlet letter to taint someone is obviously not a good thing, the facts are... what they are. It is what generated the facts that are good or bad.
Facts
Being the sought after middleman is an ego boost. But when he always cave to what these toxic hateful immature women want and always look to his partner to be the mature, rational, sane, bigger person, that's unreasonable.
Absolutely. There are always potential mitigating caveats.
As usual, my black/white and no grey brain did not toucn on that when I posted the question.
If I was a kid getting married and one of my parents had cheated and left, they would not be invited. However, if I was the cheating parent and got an invite, I would have my partner at my side and we would be proud, radiant, and present. Together. Though if I were the adulterer, I would likely not show up even with an invitation. I know that is directly contradictory. Fortunately, neither my bride nor I are cheaters. While the Spermidiot and my XW both are proven to be totally bankrupt of character and are cheating POS dirtbags.
Though ...... some who stray are pushed in that direction by toxicity in their spouse. I would hope that they file before stepping out IMHO.
As far as the adulterer(s), i
As far as the adulterer(s), i guess i've just read too many stories on here where the cheating dad flits between his old family and his new one, but the woman gets the Scarlet Letter. Maybe i just read one, idk, but it stuck with me. If he can't stand with his new wife/affair partner, he should go back to BM. ETA and no, i'm not an affair partner, met my SO 8 years after he and BM split, yet somehow i felt like one in the beginning.
Sadly, facts and dates can be a blind spot for a toxic Klingon X
Sadly, facts and dates can be a blind spot for a toxic Klingon X and PASd failed family spawn. Why someone who is no longer in a relationship has a need to control their X and maintain a level of relevance is beyond me. I was thrilled to escape. My XW had a phase were I "knew (her) better than anyone else" and she had some need for validation and input from me even after our divorce was final. Her plan was for us to be lovers after the divorce was final. Which had my flabbers gasted notably during the divorce process.
SpermGrandHag was a control freak and the cross to bear for my bride before and after we married continuing through the 16+ years of our CO and beyond. I was more than happy to stand at the side of my battle maiden bride once I joined that fray. Fortunately it did reach a point where even my SS wrote the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool off completely. Though not without sustaining some long term emotional and psychological damage from that drama.
Yes, the woman does tend to get the scarlet letter though they may not have even been around until well after the initial family failed.
Evil StepFathers did not become a thing until modern times where evil SMs have been a thing going back through time for some reason.
DH and I met 5 years after
DH and I met 5 years after his divorce. We married 3 years later. He still had to remind his kids repeatedly that I was not "the other woman" because their (primarily SD's and BM's) behavior indicated otherwise. It was unbelievable. It's all about how they FEEL, Rags. lol. I know, the "fee fees" you so much love. lol.
Meanwhile, my father did have "the other woman." We also knew our parents' marriage was doomed with her or without her in the picture. Dad and this woman stayed together until his death. If she made him happy, I was pro-them and remained pro-Mom, although I did not engage it any negative talk about either side. Everyone was invited to my brother's wedding. Dad's GF, for some reason, went down the reception line like everyone else and came upon our mother. She said, "Mia's Mom, it's good to see you." My mother, standing right next to Dad in the line, said, "It's not nice to see you, pig." And carried on. No one approved, but no one really blamed her, either.
DW and I met 40mos after my divorce and married nearly 4yrs to
DW and I met 40mos after my divorce and married nearly 4yrs to the day after my divorce was final. Not that it matters. I escaped my first marriage without polluting my gene pool w/ my XW. Blessedly.
Certainly there are any number of things going on in a failing marriage on both sides. Generally adultery makes that person a write off for me. Though that is driven by my own experiences.
I had a week long trist during my first marriage. Though I have never considered it adultery. My XW had been entirely frigid for 6+months and completely silent on why no matter how much I tried to understand. This was the ~six months after we returned from our honeymoon. The 2wk honeymoon that was zero intimacy until the last night. Her diary shared that she even cheated on our honeymoon with a newlywed husband of a couple we met at the resort. The wife was having a spa day. I was scuba diving off of the resort beach. She said she was going back to the room and walked away from the dive.
A young woman I had spent time with about 4yrs before stopped by my work. I have regrets, but no guilt. That young woman saved my life and my sanity at that point. In the 26mos that my XW and I cohabitated while married we were intimate less than 6 times. There were three periods of ~6mos with zero intimacy. We were abstinant while dating and were engagement. That was what she wanted. I was in luuuuuv. So, okay. As she wished. He diary was clear that I was the only one abstaining while we dated and were engaged.
My XW was nearly zero intimacy within the marriage while being extremely active with multiple cheat buddies. The diaries she left when she moved out were a treasure trove of leverage in the divorce.
She moved out of our recently purchased marital home a month and a half after walking out of our last marriage couseling session two weeks after our 2nd anniversary. I had a date that night. That day in session the Doc announced that after the 6mos of work we had done on me, on her, on her relationships with her family, on my relationships with my family, it was time to address the issues with intimacy within our marriage. My XW got all pucker faced, stood up, pronounced that she did not have a problem with sex and walked out. Doc and I just stared at each other. That started our sessions focused on me. That amazing lady helped me reconnect with the person I enjoyed being.
Your mom no doubt had her reasons. Unfortunately she did that at your brother's wedding. Though I cannot say that if my XW and I had spawned that I would not be publically very vocal about her and her stable of cheat buddies at any and every failed family gathering.
Fortunately, that marriage was without issue.
both
I have been excluded. I have excluded.
DH1 and I played on a mixed sports league with DH2 and his wife. We stopped playing. Over 20 years passed when we did not see each other. DH1 died. DH2 got divorced and then the ex died. A colleague who was his neighbor, who had no idea of the sport connection, brought us together. YSD and her husband somehow think I was the reason for the divorce. We are not invited to many things as DH2 will not go without me.
OSD is married to a guy who the best thing I can say about him is that I don't think he has ever murdered anyone. He is not invited to anything I am in charge of. In my defense, I have to add that other family members do not invite him either.
Reasons are a thing.
People of judgement and quality I am supportive of when it comes to exclusion of tthe toxic. The toxic, I am all about being full frontal in their face with my radiant bride on my arm daring them to say a word. If one of us is invited, we are both invited whether the one doing the inviting likes it or not.
Is that wrong of me?
Lol.
Not wrong at all
It's good that you and your DW see invitations as something you both attend and it's non-negotiable. As long as y'all don't create any drama, there shouldn't be a reason for them to start any, just because you didn't comply with their attempt to disrespect your relationship.