Reintroductions to a SD who hates me
P has a 13 year old daughter and I have two children with him, 2 years and 4 months (NM). We split up when I was with baby2, largely due to the stress of his daughter and being in another country with no support network, combined with PND from baby #1. Over the last few months, we have started things up again, secretly and we live apart. SD has no idea we are back together just yet, nor does her BM.
I tried to be a friend to SD and not ‘replace’ BM as to not cause any upset. My partner didn’t at first introduce me as his GF but as a friend to see how things went. I played with her, I took her to the park, to cafes, baked with her, you name it. Then as soon as she found out I was his GF, it all went wrong. She became extremely jealous, would sit between us on the sofa and would demand he shared her bed instead of ours. She was there every weekend so we didn’t ever get any couple time. He ended up breaking up with me because she refused to visit because I was there. We ended up getting back together and then I fell pregnant with baby1.
My partner played the role of Disney dad and always put her first, at a point she turned into his mini wife and I was being completely shunned and pushed out by both of them. She would presume to sit in the front seat of the car, ignore me whenever I spoke to her and would deliberately mess things up after I spent ages tidying. If I just cleaned the kitchen, she would start taking everything out of the cupboards, spilling milk all over the floor by ‘accident’, rummage through all the folded washing, you
Baby1 was born and I was angry because he was still pandering to her and paid zero attention to our son or myself. After he was born, he left the hospital after two hours because it was his weekend with her. I was in the hospital alone for most of the time after a C section, taking care of our child by myself without any family or support in the country. I became extremely resentful of his step daughter. I felt like I had to perform for her every weekend when she made no secret of disliking me. If I chose to keep to myself and have minimal contact, my partner would start picking arguments with me about it and I became further pushed out by both of them. I tried to just be civil towards her but she repeatedly disrespected me. I finally called her out when she started demanding I not sit in ‘her’ chair after I had been sat there feeding baby1. She spilled water on it and then started telling me to sit there again. I lost it and yelled at her for being so disrespectful. She stopped coming over, my partner started picking arguments with me (I was pregnant with baby2 at this time). Then we split because I couldn’t hack it anymore. His ex was playing master manipulator in all of this and did everything to add stress to the situation. I was ganged up on by all 3 of them.
Since baby2, my partner has become kinder and says his priority is with us. We have been taking things slowly. She is now obsessed with my 2 year old and my partner says he is worried about reintroducing me because of: 1) she doesn’t like me, nor does BM, 2) because he thinks she is now jealous of my bond with my son because he asks for ‘mama’ a lot when he is with them on weekends and shows preference towards me during pickups etc. She still ignores me when she comes over with my partner to pick our son up. My partner says she keeps referring to our son as her baby and she is playing mummy on the weekends, and my partner is concerned that she will be jealous and angry about having to ‘share’ him (he isn’t an object)!
We have started doing couples therapy but I am so anxious about his SD causing me stress. I want my family to be together and I’m tired of struggling as a single mum, and my heart breaks every weekend that I have to say bye to my son. When SD isn’t around, we get along great and I feel like I’m on cloud 9. How do I go about this? BM has always been very jealous and would also say nasty things about me to SD even though I’ve never met her. She used to follow me around in her car without my knowledge and then say things like ‘she looks about 30’ to SD when I was 25.