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Reintroductions to a SD who hates me

Purplekermit92's picture

P has a 13 year old daughter and I have two children with him, 2 years and 4 months (NM). We split up when I was with baby2, largely due to the stress of his daughter and being in another country with no support network, combined with PND from baby #1. Over the last few months, we have started things up again, secretly and we live apart. SD has no idea we are back together just yet, nor does her BM.

 I tried to be a friend to SD and not ‘replace’ BM as to not cause any upset. My partner didn’t at first introduce me as his GF but as a friend to see how things went. I played with her, I took her to the park, to cafes, baked with her, you name it. Then as soon as she found out I was his GF, it all went wrong. She became extremely jealous, would sit between us on the sofa and would demand he shared her bed instead of ours. She was there every weekend so we didn’t ever get any couple time. He ended up breaking up with me because she refused to visit because I was there. We ended up getting back together and then I fell pregnant with baby1.

My partner played the role of Disney dad and always put her first, at a point she turned into his mini wife and I was being completely shunned and pushed out by both of them. She would presume to sit in the front seat of the car, ignore me whenever I spoke to her and would deliberately mess things up after I spent ages tidying. If I just cleaned the kitchen, she would start taking everything out of the cupboards, spilling milk all over the floor by ‘accident’, rummage through all the folded washing, you

Baby1 was born and I was angry because he was still pandering to her and paid zero attention to our son or myself. After he was born, he left the hospital after two hours because it was his weekend with her. I was in the hospital alone for most of the time after a C section, taking care of our child by myself without any family or support in the country. I became extremely resentful of his step daughter. I felt like I had to perform for her every weekend when she made no secret of disliking me. If I chose to keep to myself and have minimal contact, my partner would start picking arguments with me about it and I became further pushed out by both of them. I tried to just be civil towards her but she repeatedly disrespected me. I finally called her out when she started demanding I not sit in ‘her’ chair after I had been sat there feeding baby1. She spilled water on it and then started telling me to sit there again. I lost it and yelled at her for being so disrespectful. She stopped coming over, my partner started picking arguments with me (I was pregnant with baby2 at this time). Then we split because I couldn’t hack it anymore. His ex was playing master manipulator in all of this and did everything to add stress to the situation. I was ganged up on by all 3 of them. 

Since baby2, my partner has become kinder and says his priority is with us. We have been taking things slowly. She is now obsessed with my 2 year old and my partner says he is worried about reintroducing me because of: 1) she doesn’t like me, nor does BM, 2) because he thinks she is now jealous of my bond with my son because he asks for ‘mama’ a lot when he is with them on weekends and shows preference towards me during pickups etc. She still ignores me when she comes over with my partner to pick our son up. My partner says she keeps referring to our son as her baby and she is playing mummy on the weekends, and my partner is concerned that she will be jealous and angry about having to ‘share’ him (he isn’t an object)!

We have started doing couples therapy but I am so anxious about his SD causing me stress. I want my family to be together and I’m tired of struggling as a single mum, and my heart breaks every weekend that I have to say bye to my son. When SD isn’t around, we get along great and I feel like I’m on cloud 9. How do I go about this? BM has always been very jealous and would also say nasty things about me to SD even though I’ve never met her. She used to follow me around in her car without my knowledge and then say things like ‘she looks about 30’ to SD when I was 25.

 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Your problem isn't your SD, nor her mother, it's your bf. He needs to grow up and start behaving like a responsible adult and parent. That means putting your SD in her place to start with. She is jealous and won't share her father with another woman (if it wasn't you it would be someone else - there's nothing personal in it). He won't stand up to her and call her ouit on her disrespect of you. He is pandering to her wanting you kept away. She refuses to visit when you're there? Dammit, who's in charge? The parent or the child? he doesn't get to dictate how an adult lives his life, much less when the adult is her father.

"he is worried about reintroducing me because of: 1) she doesn’t like me, nor does BM"

This is just so far beyond the pale that I just can't ... I think it's time you told him to go back to bm seeing as her opinion is more important to him than your well-being. I would ban the brat from my home ... and that includes when youir bf comes to pick up the baby - she can sit in the car and wait. And I would tell your bf not to bother coming back until he grows a pair and a spine as well. Take back control over your life. If he won't put you first (and he clearly doesn't) then he is not worth your time. 

He is going to be a very lonely old man one day if he keeps letting his ex and his daughter decide on who he gets to see.

Purplekermit92's picture

I can’t ask her to not come in because I don’t want to inflame the situation, especially during a period where we are getting on quite well. She comes in mainly to see baby2 as my daughter is too young for me to start considering time away from me/with them. 

.l

Winterglow's picture

What was the purpose of your post - were you simply venting or were you looking for advice?

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're not getting on well, though. Getting on well means everyone is able to behave comfortably and things are still good. You're having to walk on eggshells and be uncomfortable (in your own home, with your own children) to "keep the peace". That's not "getting on well", that's just another form of manipulation by your BF and his daughter.

Until you recognize that your BF is just as much a problem as SD and BM, and that he is THE only one who can fix that problem for you, no advice that we provide will work. Your BF sucks, to put it bluntly. He cares about what works best FOR HIM, not works best for his family. He LIKES SD fawning all over him. He LIKES you being docile and not challenging him. He is getting everything he wants at the expense of raising a respectful daughter and driving you bonkers.

What you NEED to do is establish child support/maintenance. Even if you two are together, you're not living together. You have expenses for two kids that need to be paid for regularly. He needs to pay his share. And he needs to pay his share WHILE living elsewhere. Yes, moving in with you would help financially, but he needs to realize that taking care of his kids is independent of his relationship with you, and you two aren't at a point where he should get both the financial and emotional benefit of living together again.

Nothing has changed except that you two added more kids to the equation. 

Winterglow's picture

I am absolutely outraged that preferred to spend his weekend with his daughter and leave you and your new baby in the hospital! If ever there was a good reason not to take visitation for a weekend, this was it! This guy is a pathetic apology for a father and a man. What a failure.

Esperanza's picture

Exactly this !

Afer he pulling that crap why would you back to him :/ 

Break up with him and move on with your life, otherwise you will always come second to his Mini-wife!

also, think about your little ones, you don't want them growing up with this dysfunctional dynamic *bad*

shamds's picture

Birth with episiotomy, my husband slept home first night because he was exhausted being up that day massaging my back during contractions and holding my hand, lack of sleep the night before but next day slept at hospital next to me in the flat chair for partners

my 2nd kid was an emergency csection so he stayed home with our daughter who wasn't feeling well (she wasn't used to me not being there) but he came everyday to hospital for a bit.

never would he say i'm staying home because teenage ss is home. That was least of his priority and frankly is old enough to entertain themselves

having a teen sd demand daddy sleep in her bed is typical miniwife behaviour and any sane man would see how inappropriate this is when he has a partner or wife and young kids with her

things don't get any better until you lay down the law with him!! Somebody here a few yrs ago gave the best advice. When you have a man who panders to exwife and skids more with expectations current wife and partner towa the line, because he fears them over how angry they will be, your only option is to make him fear upsetting you more

frankly 3 yrs into our marriage i told my husband it was clear he didn't love or respect me by allowing this unacceptable behaviour to continue and encourage it as acceptable by turning a blind eye to avoid drama and accept and make bullshit excuses for it that the only solution now was for us to divorce as it would never change.

that was my husbands wake up call as he finally realized how much he had allowed skids and himself destroy our marriage and relationship. It was not fair on me or our kids to continually recieve this treatment just because they're arseholes!! 
 

my husband also realized then that if i left him, he'd have no one and those bloody feral skids he'd made every excuse possible for would not be there for him and he would grow into a lonely old man. He finally realized 3 people cared for and loved him unconditionally (me and our 2 kids) and he had sabotaged this marriage and relationship over nothing valuable with skids.

it took him another yr before laying down the law with adult sd who was almost 24 at that point that she wasn't the mother of our kids and therefore did not ever have the right to ever criticise me or answer me back regarding the parenting of my kids or do inappropriate mummying of my kids. He made it clear i was his wife and his future, not their bio mum which they continually tried to make relevant in any conversation when ahe wasn't

i disengaged years ago, my kids have not seen or had any relationship with my 3 skids (their half siblings) since mid 2019. It will remain that way because of their toxic behaviour and my kids are not missing out. I'm tired of their manipulative bullshit and will not put my 2 little kids in a fake relationship with them so they can use my kids for attention like their siblings of the year

bananaseedo's picture

Absolutely!  How a man treats you during childbirth is the clear indication of what kind of man he is and whether your marriage will make it.  My exh failed my horribly when our 2nd was born.  Including leaving me alone at hospital after I had a bad car wreck when 7 months pregnant with him where they had to stop contractions several times in the night.  

Rewind- when our 1st was born he left the next day to 'work' also- when he could have asked for days off.  He rarely went to any Dr appts with either child.

With our 2nd- I was going to weekly appts in the last month- 3 weeks prior at my appt Dr said I was in labor and 3cm sent to hospital.  Called him and my cousin who was watching my oldest (19 months) asking her to keep him that night as I was going to deliver.  Asked then H  to go get my baby bag from home and come on over to hospital - he didn't show for another 8 hours!  He went home, showered, took a long nap, chilled and then came.  I was at peak labor and wanted to try no epidural-he said just get it because I'm not up to coaching/helping you through this-I'm too tired.  I got it - he laid down and went back to sleep - didn't wake up until Dr was in and I was pushing.  NOT kidding.  The Dr was pissed and told nurses to wake him up and tell him to get out of there if he wasn't going to help. 

Left me next day to go take care of our oldest son -it was my exe's bday (day after our son was born) - he had a friend over and they watched movies/drank/ate- left a mess.  He bitched/moaned how it was his bday and couldn't do anything fun because he had to babysit OUR child- as I was in the hospital less then 24hrs from delivery.

When I came home, he told me he was goign to work the next day- I said I thought you agreed to take a coupld days.  He said no, figure it out.  I was scared, as not only had the newborn but a 19 mo old and had no idea how it would go.  I also said why the mess?  The house was a disaster from his previous night bday shindig w/his friend- dirty dishes, wrappers, food out....he went off, started yelling/cussing/insulting/spitting in my face and towering over me until I was huddled in a corner sobbing-he kept on for a while and finally left me alone and silent treatment followed.  

He's an ex- he was also an abusive narcissist.  He was one of the worst on these boards.  

He's told you who he is- leave him, get CS-I never advocate divorce unless very serious situations, I think this one is it.  Everything else is bad, super bad in how he doesn't parent or demand respect, even sleeping with a 13yr old (creep!) but your hospital story tells me all I need to know about him.  It will never end well. 

Kaylee's picture

This is wrong on so many levels that I don't know where to begin.

Your boyfriend is a very poor parent and actually the whole thing just sickens me.

I would be VERY unhappy about letting my 2 yo go every weekend to your BF and his mini wife! How dare he say to you that he is concerned that his daughter is jealous about having to share YOUR son with YOU???

This loser needs to get a grip and get his daughter into counselling ASAP.

Actually I think you're wasting your time with him. But only you can decide the future you want....

shellpell's picture

So he and SD are playing little family with your 2 yr old?? While pushing you out. No way no hell no how would I let my toddler be around someone like that.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's lretty creepy that he's all worried that BM doesn't like OP and that SD considers OP's baby "hers". Like, SD and Daddy have a baby together? And OP's BF doesn't correct her? Gross. I agree with the poster who said he likes the attention and it's kinda sickening. 

PetSpoiler's picture

SD reminds me of the MIL from Hell.  I used to post on a forum for people with mainly in law problems, sometimes it was their own relatives.  This forum and that one have one common factor:  the spouse who has no spine, therefore won't set boundaries.  The BM and SD are merely symptoms of the problem, which is the father of your children.  I bet if his mother was nearby he wouldn't put her in her place either if she needed it.  This guy is failing you and your children and SD.  What about this guy is so wonderful?  

Mamabearof3's picture

Honestly I support family etc but the issues with SD your man and his ex are insanely too much. Especially for a young mom. Single motherhood won't last forever. You'll meet someone. Otherwise. He needs to put SD in INTENSIVE therapy and take seriously your opinion on the rules that should be in place. She can't sleep with him or EVER sit in the front especially if that means you're in the back!? Making purposeful messes should result in immediate and profound punishments. 

Purplekermit92's picture

I understand what everyone here is saying. I came on here to ask advice but obviously I realised how angry I was while I was typing it out and it’s turned into a vent. Despite his awful behaviour in the past, I’m desperate to make it work because I’m flat out exhausted from being a SAHM to two babies on my own all week, when he is around he cooks, helps with shopping, helps with childcare etc (he works for himself), and it’s been a huge relief after those initial few weeks back from hospital with baby2 whereby I was doing everything all by myself after another CS (I wasn’t supposed to pick up my toddler but had to etc). I don’t have any family around to replace this role he’s been filling. When we are getting on he can be funny and kind but I’m struggling thinking about how messed up things become when SD is around and I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I find it all very disturbing and I’m struggling with processing it all and moving forward and he’s basically saying now he will jump through any hoop. A few months ago he kept saying SD was a second mummy to my son which I found disturbing and upsetting. I don’t see how I can deal with this unless I’m there to resume my role on the weekends. I hate not seeing my boy every weekend and I’m dreading when my daughter is old enough (he kept asking to put her on formula etc which I’ve said no to, because I don’t think they will be able to take care of her adequately). 

With all this, I am also disturbed by the continual involvement of BM. Last year (before we got back together) he spent Easter and Xmas with them. He spent Easter with BM and SD and my son. I didn’t know BM was around my son and I had explicitly asked for her not to be because I hate the idea of my son playing happy families with the people who have torn mine apart. My partner (ex at the time) told me BM wasn’t around etc. I was in hospital for 5 days and didn’t find out until recently that BM was staying at his (in SDs bed with her) the entire time until recently. BM has also randomly stayed over on weekends my son has been there. I found her toiletries, clothes, earrings etc. Partner (ex at the time) said this was ‘crisis management’ for SD because I told him I didn’t want him in the operating theatre because we had been arguing about BM calling up and inviting my son to hers while I was in the car (on speakerphone). I had repeatedly expressed I didn’t want SD’s BM around my son. I said for him to be in the waiting room because I didn’t want the stress and it was twisted into I apparently stopped SD from attending the birth of baby2... no way would they have allowed a child in the operating theatre nor would I have been comfortable with that so I’m not sure what he’s on about. He’s used it as an excuse as to why BM was staying around so much. At the time, he made the argument that he’s free to do what he likes with my son during his time with him. I can’t dispute that and I can’t tell him he can’t withold visitations because I rely on maintenance etc. I feel like the only way I’m back in control of the situation is to be back with him to ensure things like this aren’t happening.

 

Mamabearof3's picture

I try to be an honest Christian woman who certainly doesn't like to place accusations on someone haphazardly. I say that to say this. He's playing you. And her. He's most likely having sex with her. Probably never stopped having sex with her. And probably won't. You have to accept you're not in control either way. But one way you have some peace and another way you have much less peace than you do now. Peace within your own life. Your children need a better role model to look up to than that. Please tough it out. If he's feeding and clothing the babies and keeping them safe from harm physically then let him have his weekends. They'll never be safe from his mental abuse. But they will be exposed much less if you don't live with him. 

Mamabearof3's picture

When I say better role model I meant male role model. You just had a baby. You're so vulnerable. And you're in likely the hardest time of your life. It WILL get better and easier. Please push through without him. Let him help you. Don't move in. Don't see SD and don't trust him. If you insist on being with him have BM come to your couples counseling session. Tell him he has to tell her it's over between them. This entire predicament of them being friends and close etc. She has to respect you and she has to get over it. If he's not willing to do that then you know where his priorities are. 

Purplekermit92's picture

I did consider the possibility of whether they had been physical together but the fact he is (or was) about to tell her he has resumed his relationship with me suggests that there wasn’t any physical involvement between the two of them. The belongings I found of hers were in SDs wardrobe which fits into the fact that BM was sharing a bed with SD (he keeps our sons cot in there which is why I was in the room). 

Purplekermit92's picture

He’s also said ‘we can give back her (BM’s) belongings’ I found in SDs room when I go to meet her to ‘prove’ there hasn’t been anything going on between the two of them.

Purplekermit92's picture

I don’t think he would be willing to come over and help if we weren’t an item. He’s only been helping out since we’ve restarted things.

The reason he’s given that he is anxious about telling BM and SD is that they don’t like me. He used to vent to BM about arguments we had and SD started telling BM about my yelling over the chair incident and made out that she was afraid of me. I’m literally harmless. I’m 5ft tall and generally a timid person.

I tried to confide with BM about what was going on, but she twisted it on me, started sending the messages to my partner and then made threats saying her (BM) and my partner should call DSS together and make a report to say I’m basically unhinged. The whole situation was just insane. SD would make rude comments about the eczema on my hands and I would ignore it and then she would burst out crying ‘fearing’ that I would tell her off again. So somehow I was the bad one because I had apparently inadvertently made her cry. BM used to put SD on the phone crying at any opportunity to add stress to our situation. It just seems insane that my partner now wants me to meet her over a coffee and ‘win them over’. I don’t understand what I am winning over and I don’t feel that I’m ever going to get anywhere with BM. 

Kaylee's picture

This story just gets worse by the minute. Your BF is a manipulative bully. 

I'm going to be frank ...he disgusts me.

I know you say you have no one else to help you? But there are women's support groups and charity organisations like the Sallies (here in NZ and I'm sure Aussie would have the same). 

Please please please reach out to them and get the urgent help you need. They can help you get a lawyer too. 

How far away is your home country? I don't expect you to tell me where you are from....I'm only wondering if it is possible for any of your family to come and help you?

Is your state in lockdown?

Purplekermit92's picture

I was referred to an organisation by my social worker after I had baby2. My case worker would just come by twice a month and just chat to me and bring me nappies. Nothing useful came of it. I don’t even have residency yet so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t think I will be able to see my family for a long time with the pandemic. My mum is married and still works, my siblings have their own families, so if anyone came out after it was permitted to do so, it wouldn’t be for a long duration. 

Purplekermit92's picture

I get his behaviour in the past has been awful. Funnily enough I feel like I am protecting my children by having the  ability to always be there and be in control of the situation. I’m putting a lot of faith into the idea that he’s willing to change his behaviour. I can’t tell you how isolating and lonely it is to be there on your own all week, constantly changing nappies and breastfeeding and never having a moment to yourself. When we started seeing each other again, it all changed. I had someone to laugh with, someone to help with the babies, someone to help in the house with cooking etc, someone to take us all to the beach for a nice family day out. For once I felt like I was apart of a family with him. I was no longer stressed, tired or lonely and everything became a thousand times easier. I also don’t mean to come across as a gold digger when I say this, but being on my own has created a huge amount of financial stress for me. He provides maintenance, sure (the maximum I would be eligible for), but I’m having to watch every dollar that comes in and out and I never have enough left over to save anything. It’s created a huge amount of stress trying to live on a small budget with two children. He has a well paying job, working for himself. He has a significant amount saved behind him. That isn’t to say I’m walking around with Prada handbags when I’m with him, but just having the peace of mind that I’m not going to fall short of money and have to borrow from family. Not having to worry about how high bills are going to be or working out whether I can afford to buy something I need. Since we’ve been back together, he’s also spoken of the prospect of us moving back to our country of origin in a few years (namely because he wants SD to be old enough when we leave). When we weren’t togwthe, that was completely off the cards and he said he would spend all his money preventing me from moving home with our kids. I finally feel like I have some control and say in how the future is going to play out. I get that a large part of me wanting to be with him is me being manipulative, and ordinarily I’m not. I came into the relationship with the best of intentions and completely enamoured by him. But now I’m a single mother and I need to survive. My children need a happy mother. I need to look after myself in order to do a good job looking after them. Not having a mother that is worn out and depressed. I also think to myself, if I were to end this now, he would find someone in a few months. He would get to have time to himself, a full nights sleep, go out with his friends and out for runs. What will my options be? I will be alone for a long time because no man is going to want to involve themselves into my situation with two babies. I will feel like I’m always paying the price and my partner will always be able to live as he pleases. I need to have some control back. I can’t keep living like this for however many years. I want us to go to couples therapy. I want SD to have counselling. I want BM to leave us alone. She knows what she is doing. I want clear boundaries and clear rules. Is this enough? Has this helped fixed your relationships?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm truly sorry to be another person to say this. But you need to read up on triangulation. Because that's exactly what your SO is doing with you, BM and SD. All 3 of you are puppets he is playing against one another to create jealously and attention for himself.