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"Over-stepped your position"

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

As therapy had to be delayed until this afternoon due to a work meeting that got scheduled last minute... I just need to put all this here for a second.

Last week, my ex spent some time trying to inform me how i needed to give him another shot, I flat out said no, go focus on your girlfriend, and hung up (this counts as a boundary right? I was proud of myself. lol)  I had the kids a night the weekend before (courtesy of his mother, didn't deal with him at all, though that was a pain too tbh).  She mentioned to me Dipsh** probably had the rona and wouldn't be able to see the girls for a while.  During the visit SD11 told me she NEVER sees ex and doens't even know him anymore.  But not my issue.

Fastforward a few days,  One of my friends spots SUPPOSEDLY sick X walking with his girlfriend, does some stalking, he's already in family pictures with girlfriend and her child on Fakebook.  I'm like "well that's dumb.  But I don't care, we're not married.  So you don't need to report to me on anything to do with this crazy a$$." but blow it off (none of this really matters until later)

Next day, ex sends a picture of him in the hospital with "what if this is my last selfie ever?" I ignore, don't even respond.  So he starts calling non stop.  I finally pick up. And chewed him out.  TOld him exactly what I thought about how he treated me, how he's treating his new gf trying to hook up with his ex all the time, how he's treating new gf's kid since he's now involved in the situation since family pictures (also told him his gf was scum for even letting that happen so quick), then proceeded to chew him out for being a s***y father to the girls and never thinking of their needs.  Told him maybe instead of focusing on getting a random girl in bed he should focus on actually finding stability for the kids that he never sees and that don't feel like they know him.  I also ended with how innapropriate he's been with me and how it's all not okay.  I then proceeded to hang up.  Few minutes later "I'll have a bag with all your things waiting for you." All I responded with "You don't have anything I want.  I already got my stuff out."  He kept trying to contact, but I ignored.  And anyways...

Next morning, I wake up from a text from his mom: "X told me that you called him and were pretty rough on him.  You should not have done that.  You don't know everything that goes on and I think that you may have over stepped your position."

She made a boo boo.  I responded with "You don't know everything going on either.  I cna't go to the gym without him trying to get pissy with me.  He's tried to cheat on his girlfriend, so I'm sure he has with someone else.  Is constantly trying to gripe about how awful that relationship is, and has tried to convince me to come over to hook up with him.  Told me when he got the gf that no one was going to meet kids until a year mark, yet he's apparently going and chilling with her kid, so it's only a matter of time before he drags the girls into that bulls*** too.  Also gets angry any time I don't answer the phone.  And tried to spend a LOT of time with "what would you do if you couldn't talk to me anymore..."  biggest thing yesterday was I asked him not to overstep boundaries as it's highly innapropriate for anyone, but especially a man supposedly in a committed relationship, and I will NOT cause another woman the same pain he put me through.  If I dress up for myself and run into him at all he attacks me with a billion questions about "who are you dressing up for?"  He constantly threatens me to not see the kids and says no quite often when I ask to them.  Add on the fact SD11 told me that doesn't even feel like she knows her dad anymore.  And a friend supposedly saw him walking the neighborhood with his grilfriend 2 days ago (which she has ZERO reason to lie about).  He lies.  All the time.  I ask to see the girls a lot more than I'm sure he tell syou, since the girls have been told that I "don't want to see them," and any time he does let me see them, he acts like I owe him, but if he doens't let me see them, he claims I don't care about them.  He went as far as to tell a mutual friend that I was stepping out, then abandoned the girls and want nothing to do with them.  He tries to factime me all the time, then when I don't answer hits me with "why do you hate me? Who is he?"  I point out he has a gf and it's none of his damn business and I get "well, but who am I talking to? Who am I worried about?"  What I'm sure he didn't tell you too was I told him the girls deserve the world and maybe he should focus on them and their needs before adding a random person that he has said is "just to fill time and doesn't mean anything."  And I told him we're not in a relationship and he is.  So he needs to act like a man in a relationship and stop trying to ask to see underwear or accusing me of showing out for other men, when shocker, I don't want to date because he destroyed my trust, and even if I did, not his business.  I can't even fathom dating someone and am just trying to recover some self esteem and knock back my anxiety, depression, and major trust issues.

So Idk what he told you.  But I feel the things I was "hard" on him about.  Were completely justified."

Anways.  She never responded, ex isnt' trying to bug me.  I may have lost the girls on this one, but I did finally get to speak my mind about all this bull crap.  And I plan to continue that.

That's all.  It's a bit emotionally upsetting that I may have lost the girls... Obv.  But I really hope that this will ultimately help my healing process.  I'm in a MUCH better head space after a few days with none of either of their bulls***.


Gimlet's picture

OMG, PAI, NO.  NO NO NO NO.  You are divorced, there is ZERO reason for him to have access to you. NONE.   Stop this insanity, right now.  You cannot go on communicating with him, I mean it.

You also have to let go of his kids.  Let go of communicating with his mother.   It's over, PAI. 

YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS.  I'm scared for you, he's still stalking you. 

I need some time to compose a response to this, everything in me is just screaming NO and I am finding it hard to find the words.

futurobrillante99's picture

^^Agreed. There is no good thing about staying in touch with a narcissist. All you are doing is FEEDING the monster. Every drop of contact is a huge ego stroke and gives him knowledge he still has control over you. Yes. He still has control over you. You will say he doesn't................but he does.

I know you care about the kids, but they are being used to keep access to you. His mother contacting you and allowing you to have the kids is her being part of the narcissist's drama.

Please cut ties with all these people. It doesn't make you an evil person. Those girls have their grandparents to care for them.

In a perfect world, they would be better off with you having custody of them, but this arrangement will be harmful to you and the girls in the long run.



futurobrillante99's picture

He delights in all of this: "I finally pick up. And chewed him out.  TOld him exactly what I thought about how he treated me, how he's treating his new gf trying to hook up with his ex all the time, how he's treating new gf's kid since he's now involved in the situation since family pictures (also told him his gf was scum for even letting that happen so quick), then proceeded to chew him out for being a s***y father to the girls and never thinking of their needs.  Told him maybe instead of focusing on getting a random girl in bed he should focus on actually finding stability for the kids that he never sees and that don't feel like they know him.  I also ended with how innapropriate he's been with me and how it's all not okay.  I then proceeded to hang up.  Few minutes later "I'll have a bag with all your things waiting for you." All I responded with "You don't have anything I want.  I already got my stuff out."

This is like the BEST fuel a narcissist can get. You chewing him out will not change him. He was thrilled to see your display of frustration and emotion. This reaction ensures he will be back for more fuel at a later date.

Please read "Fuel" by H.G. Tudor. It's a revelation.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'll take a look and give it a read :)  You always have some great advice.  I remember that blog by a narcisist you sent me as well. It was far too relateable and disturbing.

tog redux's picture

Yep. Any attention is good attention. What he wants is a reaction, and boy, did he get one.

futurobrillante99's picture

PAI - don't beat yourself up. These people are master manipulators. They know all our buttons. It took me a LONG time to insulate myself from my ex narc. I'm still not perfect, but I ignore him unless I absolutely have to deal with him (his handgun and my birth certificate). When I do, it's ALL facts - zero emotion. That makes me boring to him, so he goes on to get his fuel elsewhere.

You're learning. ((hugs))

tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree. It took DH a long time to learn not to react to BM. Once he learned (from SS), that it absolutely infuriated her when she couldn't get a reaction out of him, it made it easier.

Just ignore him.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thanks gimmy. <3  I agree.  As of this morning, I double checked that he's blocked on things, and blocked his gf too.  I didn't need the negativity.

Thankfully he has no clue where I live.  In fact, the only ones I've given the address to so far was my best friend and my grandpa.  I made no posts about the purchase of my home either. Swapped to a different gym, where he's not welcome since the gym owner happens to be a close friend of a friend Smile

justmakingthebest's picture

You did all the right things. They are horrible people! 

Sending you and internet hug!!!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Unfortunately it sounds like he is using the girls as pawns to keep violating your boundaries. That's not good for them.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I believe you're right.  I remember one time when he told me the girls are basically extensions of him.. He doesn't view the girls like a normal person.

StepUltimate's picture

He's a classic narcissist in that his view is that kids are to remain useless appendages, not young beings he needs to train to be independent young adults who can navigate the world and thrive.

So you saw & heard that right.

tog redux's picture

Unfortunately, I think you need to cut all of these people out of your life, including the girls - otherwise, you will never be free from him.

Yes, you set a boundary - but a better boundary would be going no contact and changing your phone number, email, etc. You can't keep this up forever, and will have to let the girls go sometime.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Sadly.  I totally think you're right.  It sucks to admit.  But this isn't healthy for anyone involved.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

They were pretty well the ONLY reason I was in that marriage after about the first year and a half.  Tons of issues before then, but I was fighting for the marriage, after that it was a fight not to lose the girls I had been raising.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Gim is right, PAI. You HAVE to let the girls go, for your own safety. Your XH is using them to keep in contact with you. Your MIL is likely facilitating as a way to maybe bring you back and knock some sense into her son to change.

These people are HURTING you, and your XH is showing signs that he's stalking you AND will hurt you if he doesn't get his way.

I'm not exaggerating here, PAI. I'm legitimately worried he's going to kill you. Block his number. Change your routine. Move to a new town. Change your phone number. Have a check-in buddy. Talk to a domestic violence group about protection options.

You are divorced and you need to SERIOUSLY cut them all off no matter how much it hurts. Having access to the girls is a form of abuse, to both you AND them.

You HAVE to cut ties totally, and you need a system that is keeping an eye out for you. You've got me scared, girl. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'll look into a lot of those things.  My therapist has me in a support group right now as well.

futurobrillante99's picture

It will help your case, should you ever need a restraining order, if you cut all contact.

Staying in touch with him and spending time with his kids will look contradictory to a judge. It's better if you take steps to get him completely out of your life and show HIM crossing boundaries to strengthen your case.


lieutenant_dad's picture


I am so glad you are still seeing a therapist and are in a support group. Please don't sugar-coat things for them.

Livingoutloud's picture

She is contacting him. And she keeps all channels of communication open so no way she can get protection order. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Advising her to cut all contact now to make it more likely she can get one if he continues to stalk her.

Livingoutloud's picture

Yup. Everyone have been doing jusf that for a very long time. I hope contact will stop at some point, it can't go on like this 

Winterglow's picture

If you haven't already got security cameras around your home, I strongly suggest you have them installed yesterday.

Livingoutloud's picture

Setting boundaries would be blocking him and never talking to him again. Continue communicating with him and his mom and be in the middle of all the drama (him having a girlfriend and meeting girlfriend kids or what his kids say about him shouldn't even be your business) isn't setting boundaries. It's doing exactly what he is doing. Keeping drama going full speed and staying connecting to him. Just stop it 

ndc's picture

Good for you unloading and getting all that off your chest.

But now I think you'd be better off and more at peace if you rid your life of the asshole and all that comes with him. Block him on your phone. Do not communicate with his mother. Tell anyone who reports to you on the ex and his family that you're divorced now and it's not your concern. And most painful of all, I think you need to stop seeing the girls, too. Even though you're likely the best thing that ever happened to those two, you can't continue a relationship with them without maintaining some contact with the ex. He has no problem with using people - it appears to be his MO - and he'll use them to get to you. Just avoid that. Make a clean break. Frankly, I'd consider relocating. Put this chapter behind you.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I've considered finishing a few repeairs on the home and possibly getting a van to convert and live in that.  Being able to travel as I please sounds like a dream tbh.  Just need the repairs and i want to find a fully remote job as well.

We'll see, obviously there's a lot more to it than that.  But a more nomadic lifestyle doens't sound awful to me.

futurobrillante99's picture

When you buy a house, your deed and title will be filed. It is possible for him to find our your address if he looks hard enough. More simply, it's possible for him to borrow someone's car and follow you home from work.

I had a friend help me follow my XH1 to where he was staying when I kicked him out. He refused to give me his address and I needed to know where to have him served. We waited until he picked up our son (18), then followed him to his rental. Easy peasy.

Please protect yourself and install cameras.


HowLongIsForever's picture

Hey PAI,

This is tough stuff.  You're going to struggle.  You're going to feel some ugly things and some great things and maybe (more often than you recognize) some uninspiring middle of the road things. Those contradictions aren't going to help with your resolve. 

Just know that you have the strength to get there.  You have the strength to be the best you living your best life.  You just need to figure out what that looks like. 

You already know it isn't with your special x.  Huge step in the right direction, and awesome on you for taking that huge step.  But there is more work to be done.  Unfortunately, guys like special x don't just go away. 

Logically, with the divorce completed, there is zero tying you to that mess of a man.  No assets awaiting division, no custody, nada.  And yet here you are, still trying to escape him.  You need a battle plan to address him, as he is, rather than some normal, decent, logical human being.

You cannot reason with crazy.  You'll never make him see your side of things because your side of things does not exist to him.  To him you were never more than how he felt.  That's it.  That's crazy.  You can't undo that.  You can't teach him how wrong that is.  How wrong he is.  You cannot change him, fix him, compensate for him, etc.  That is who, what, he is.

All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.  Stop taking his calls.  Stop taking his mother's calls.  Stop seeing his children.  How you go about doing that is up to you.  

You can become unavailable.  Don't initiate.  And.  Never.  Respond.  Ever. (remember, defending yourself will not change any of them).  You can clearly state your intent and hold your ground until they grow tired of baiting you.  I'd say this is the least effective, especially if you're still struggling with the aftermath of it all.

You can remove their ability to contact you.  Change your number.  Change your email.  Change your routines.  This may seem a little unfair - why are you so inconvenienced because he's an unhinged POS?  I get that.  In time you'll see it less as an inconvenience and more of a metamorphosis, a shedding of the past to allow for the future, so to speak.  This also has potential to clear the path for a scorched earth policy should you find yourself in need of such - when the dust has settled a bit more and you're clear not only in what you want but in what lengths he will go to prevent that.

None of this truly happens over night.  He's a shitbag and he's conditioned you to accept that.  You can change your number in a matter of minutes but changing your number doesn't miraculously heal all of the damage he's done.  But each step will bring with it a bit of grief followed by relief.  Eventually you will lose the grief and find relief followed by empowerment.

Move him out of the way and find you..  You have the strength to be the best you and live your best life.  You have it in you.  


HowLongIsForever's picture

p.s. excuse me but f^@$ his mom. 

You overstepped?  Ha!  Consider the source.  She raised that POS and continues to enable the shitshow surrounding special x.  

F^@$ her and  f^@$ the whole lot of them.  Pfft.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

His mother is the Crazy Tree from which the bad apple ex fell.

There are only two choices: in the toxicity, or out of it. You've tried to keep your ex's children in your life, but that's just bending the rules to keep one foot in the manure pile and look where it's got you: right back in the drama with your ex and his momma.

You've been working on yourself and getting stronger. Now you need to remove these people from your life. Completely, fully, and permanently. That's the next step. This is one of those situations that requires ruthlessness and rock hard boundaries in order for you to move forward.

Iamwoman's picture

PA, I know you love those girls... but you have to let them go.

I used to be a teacher. Taught for 14 years. Most kids were jerks, but some I truly adored and some I even felt motherly towards. I had to learn to let them go.

You need to be ok with the good that you brought into those girls' lives during the time they were able to be around you.

Nothing lasts forever.

You cannot make ex's mom permanently like you or take your side, because blood is thicker than water.

All you are doing by continuing to see the girls is continuing to cause yourself pain and expose yourself to toxic ex and his toxic mother.

The girls WILL eventually be turned against you.

You have to (for your sanity) accept that there are things in life you cannot control and you have to let go and trust the girls will be ok.

You did not damage them at all. Ex did, his ex did, and his mother did. They will blame you because most people refuse to take responsibility and love to cast blame where it doesn't belong.

You cannot change that.

Also, any guy down the road will seriously wonder what is wrong with you that you still have a relationship with children from your ex that are not yours. He WILL assume that you are not over the ex.

Please move on with your life. You are young, beautiful inside and out, intelligent, strong, and caring. Let go. You cannot have the life you deserve until you let go of the one you don't.

Livingoutloud's picture

Yes the girls will be turned against PA for sure. He is an a$$ but he is still their father. Blood is thicker than water and they'll choose him.

I'd avoid discussing him with his children and stop them from mentioning how they don't see their father. No matter how horrible he is, he is their dad. 

I know he is a total jerk but if I had an ex who wasn't DD father but wanted to keep seeing my DD and he'd engage in discussing me with DD or gave me parenting or dating advice and told me that I have to focus on DD instead of dating all he$$ will break loose. 

Eventually SDs will stand by their dad and will throw ex SM under the bus. I'd cut contact with all of them ASAP 

DPW's picture

PA - You really should be engaging with him. It's enough now. There's nothing positive that will come of it, I'm sorry to say. 

Find the strength and block him finally. 

Aniki's picture

PA, you know I love you. Please love yourself!!!

As much as you love the girls, your POS EX only cares about them as a means to an end. YOU. He will twist the truth or flat out lie. He only cares about using them as a tool to hurt or manipulate you. Your EX MIL is not much better. Besides, POS is her son. In the end, she will have his back over yours. Every.Single.Time.

Sorry, darlin', but it's time to cut those final ties and burn the damn bridge. Evil Aniki would like nothing more than to zip on her Harleys and boot that POS in the 'nads so hard, he'll have two lumps on top of his fat freaking head. You don't want me to go to jail, do you??