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Can We Call it a Tie or Does Someone Have to Win?

54andTired's picture

Submitted by 54andTired on Wed, 02/03/2016 - 2:54pm

My husband is heartbroken. I believe he loves me, but he is truly torn. I will never make him make a choice, but it seems as though she has. He doesn't talk to me about it because he doesn't want me to get defensive. All he's told me is that "You've been put in a really sh&^%y position." The problem is I can't say I'm sorry. I can't fix it. Why? Because I don't think I did anything wrong. And, if I did do something wrong, inappropriate or offensive, I don't know what it is.

I've never tried to be her mom. I've only wanted to be a friend and mentor. Now, I don't even try that. I am friendly and polite. Period.

I love my husband and want to be with him. But, is that selfish? Even if he chooses me, it'll be at such a high cost. I'm not sure I can handle being the cause of their broken relationship, even if the SD is really causing it.

Is there a chance to have a tie and have it all work out for everyone? Or, must someone win? Actually, must someone lose?

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Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Wed, 02/03/2016 - 8:54pm

My DH & I have been in this EXACT position. My SD was a little bit older, but she did the same thing. Gave DH the ultimatum that it was her or me. This is how DH handled it:

"SD, if I thought for one second that my (then) girlfriend had ever not treated you well, she would be gone. However, if you are demanding I dump her for no reason other than you are jealous of her and throwing a temper tantrum, then the best thing I can do for you as your father, is not dump someone who is not only fantastic for me, but is and has been wonderful to and for you"

He then added "I hope you can one day get onside with this and accept our relationship, but if not, remember that it was YOUR choice to walk away"

And just like you, I worried so much that one day he would regret that statement, that decision, because the cost was so high.

I, not DH, decided maybe I should just walk away. Especially because his daughter had then cranked up the costs, and began to cut off not just DH, but anyone in his family who didn't chose her over me - my MIL, FIL, etc...and that was really killing them, especially my MIL.

I discussed with DH that maybe it just wasn't worth all this. That if the kid was that upset about our relationship, to the point that it was hurting his relationship, and now his parents relationship with her, well maybe I should just give her what she wanted and walk away

My DH said, that if I went ahead and did that, she would only do the exact same thing to the next woman that came along. And there would be a next woman. So, no, he did not feel that I should walk away, that it would in fact only encourage her to believe that she could control his life, and get rid of any nice woman, regardless of how decent and good a human being, just because she was jealous and insecure

So together we agreed that we would not give in to her

And yes, it was a great cost. But not nearly as bad as we thought. She walked out of DH's life, but not really. She still attended all family events for DH's family, she treated us with open hostility and like garbage at those events, but she still was there

And it wasn't until WE had had enough from her and WE disengaged, that she finally realized the only person she was hurting was herself, and she (temporarily) smartened up

We still go through 'cycles' with her. She plays the 'I'll walk out of your life card' from time to time, she pulls all kinds of stupidness, but in the end we have learned to tolerate, ignore, and carry on

I sincerely hope your husband makes the right decision!

54andTired's picture

Submitted by 54andTired on Mon, 02/15/2016 - 10:04am

Thank you. I believe our situation will play out in similar fashion. The SD has shown her true colors to many family members, all who are bewildered and disappointed in her unfounded behavior. My DH has recommitted to me and I to him so we're in this together. How sad that so much energy needed to be wasted, however, it has seemed to bring us closer together. Our break was short, but impactful. We've realized that we don't deserve this and are working to keep our relationship the priority over all this childishness. I do hope, though, someday, she grows up and out of this toxic mindset.

54andTired's picture

Submitted by 54andTired on Mon, 02/15/2016 - 10:12am

I am so sorry you're dealing with this too. I applaud your DH for being so strong and being able to see through the crap brought on by SD and BM. Fortunately, I think the BM in my situation stays out of it. She recognizes I've been a good influence in her children's lives and has even credited me at times, which infuriates the SD even more. Why can't people realize life is just too short to live with such drama and hostility. I sincerely hope nothing happens to your DH while the SD chooses to be so irrational and distant. I can't imagine the guilt she'll have to live with if she doesn't ever get to make amends.