Moral quandry.
Forums:
I have a young girlfriend, not yet 25. She's pregnant from a one night stand. The guy is...well he's a pot head looser. But I see him often and he always asks about my girlfriend. My girlfriend specifically told me not to tell anyone about the baby. And she is keeping it.
so do I or do I not say something? She's my best and one of very few friends. I don't want to loose her. But, I don't agree with not telling the guy.
Should I just let it go and she can do or not do whatever? Is it my place to say anything?
ETA. Guy is jobless, pothead,
ETA. Guy is jobless, pothead, shitty car, on "disability" but he can go drink at the bar almost nightly according to the other patrons.
Ahhh. Thanks Ladies, Luv ya!
Ahhh. Thanks Ladies, Luv ya!
Lol, Tausha. Totally will
Lol, Tausha. Totally will
Pothead loser! Any more
Pothead loser! Any more questions?
yes, not your place to
yes, not your place to tell.
dont be so sure on the CS thing either.
my childhood best friend got pregnant at 17...teh guy was a total zero. he was aware of the baby but she didnt want him to have anything to do with the kid and he didnt fight it and she didnt want any money from him. to this day she says that it was always better for her son not having the dad around, who i believe ultimately ended up in jail.
as for the boy, he will be 19 this year and graduated high school and is going on to great things.
Don't tell him. If she knows,
Don't tell him. If she knows, she will likely never trust you again.
My cousin got pregnant from a one-night stand and never told the man. He was an alcoholic and so was she, at the time. She never told him. He killed himself in a drunken wreck when the boy was about 7. The boy never knew him. No loss.
Did you keep his son away
Did you keep his son away from him out of revenge, or because he was a bad person? (Seriously just curious...no judging.)
I'm really confused by your
I'm really confused by your last paragraph. Are you saying that your BS is a brat, that you would have gotten an abortion, and that if you had to do it all over, you would do everything the same?
I must be misunderstanding something or not reading it right. :?
ETA: Please tell me you're not a 'crew' from the cafemom site!
I think Sally is teasingly
I think Sally is teasingly calling her BS a little brat. I've seen enough of her posts to believe she loves him tremendously.
Thought so.
Thought so.
Unless the guy is a murderer,
Unless the guy is a murderer, rapist or pedophile, I would have to agree as well.
I don't think you should
I don't think you should necessarily say anything as it is none of your business, but I DO think you should do this: (1) Strongly encourage this girl to fess up and do the right thing and tell the guy (a/k/a "father"); and then (2) if she does you can continue your friendship with her, BUT, if she doesn't, you should tell her that you will have to cease your friendship with her (Do you REALLY want a BEST FRIEND that would even consider doing something to another human being so horrific (a/k/a playing with their lives")?????????? Also, do you REALLY want a BEST FRIEND that screws "druggies"? You my friend, have some soul searching to do.
Yeah, pretty much this. Your
Yeah, pretty much this.
Your friend is wrong. Flat out wrong. She does NOT have the moral right to determine if a father and child will have a relationship, not even if she's the mom, until and unless the relationship has PROVED detrimental to the child. She doesn't know that by a long shot. Obviously if a father is abusing or neglecting his kid, them mom gets a right to step in and put a stop to it. But what your friend is doing is saying "*I* don't like this guy - even though I thought he was good enough to fuck - so I'm not even going to give him a chance to know his kid." It's reprehensible, honestly. How can you stay friends with her if she continues this? Have you tried to talk some sense into her?
It's not your job to tell the
It's not your job to tell the dad, it's your job as a good friend to tell the mom that SHE needs to tell him she is pregnant. No doubt if men could get pregnant instead of women SHE would want to know he is having her baby. Besides pregnancy is a self telling secret and it's one that is time stamped. And if by some miracle she gets away unnoticed with having this kid and keeping it from him for a five years then what does she do when the kid asks about his dad, what then? It's selfish of her to try to keep him from having the chance to change now before the kid gets here than to wait until he runs into her and it's already here.
All the points listed above
All the points listed above are the reason I posted.
I really care about her. She's been nothing but good to FDH and I. She has a past too, she's been clean for three years, since she moved to my city. It wasn't until after the one night stand that she found out the guy was into drugs, and she understandably doesn't want him around. If she was only acting like a "crazy bm" I would not be so upset about it.
She's not even far enough along yet for us to be sure the pregnancy will "stick", she's maybe 5 weeks right now. That's the reason I haven't pushed talking about it. We don't even know if it will matter in another six weeks.
I'm not entirely convinced she's wrong in her thinking though. Granted, I wouldn't keep a pregnancy from a one night stand.
What she is acting like is a scared 23 year old. She doesn't want anyone to know, until after we are sure she won't miscarriage. Again, totally understandable.
Some of the posters need to chill just a bit, my girlfriend isn't a bad person. She's a scared person. I think some of you were projecting a there.
I think slowly coaxing her to the idea that CS is helpful, maybe get an agreement out of the way before the child's first birthday. That way she can shut any nonsense of his down before the kid can really remember anything, and if the father turns out to be okay, then not so big of a deal.
The challenge will be when
The challenge will be when this GF starts whining that she is on her own as a single mom, BioDad is not supporting the kid, etc....
Then zipping your lip will be counterproductive and you should bare her ass and tell her she can't have it both ways and needs to either put on her big girl thong or nail BioDad for CS and deal with visitation etc..
IMHO of course.
Is she sure the particular
Is she sure the particular guy is the dad? If there is a chance it could possibly be anyone else then it would be worth waiting, also important to wait until the birth has occurred in case the pregnancy is lost.