I am a step dad and life is made a nightmare by the father... and its having a huge negative impact on my relationship
Hi everyone 
I'm new to the forum, and I really need to get things off my chest, especially as I feel that I am lacking the support I need!
I'm 26 and I've been in my current relationship for around 9 months, in which my partner has a 2 year old daughter from her last relationship. My girlfriend has just turned 25.
Apart from the initial adjustment issues to life as a step parent, everything functions rather well up to the point where I feel such a high degree of animosity from the father. This is made all the more difficult because I don't feel as if I can share my feelings about this with my girlfriend as she gets really defensive and can't give me the support I am looking for, instead she just seems to get irritated with me.
The father is 36 and apart from not being one of the least pleasant person I have ever met, I don't know much more about him, this is further compounded by the fact that he won't accept my offers to talk.
The main issue that I have is the lack of respect. For example, he has sent text messages to my partner asking if they "can just fuck", and this is while we were together of course, otherwise I'd have no reason to take issue. He has also threatened to "beat the crap" out of me, although this way not directly communicated at me.
I have tried to facilitate a better relationship between him and my girlfriend, so the sake of my step daughter, and to an extent that worked. But he just tries to take control of the situation, and somehow make it about his past relationship with my girlfriend. It's so irritating, I don't know what I can do, as now I don't even want to try anymore because of how it always goes.
I think I'm going to have to stop now, as I only feel I can handle a little at a time right now. Sure there's so much more that's happened and it's going to be a long discussion to cover all of it, but I hope I can get some of the help I'm looking for on here.
Peace and thanks to all!
Tim
If i were you, I would remove
If i were you, I would remove myself from any situation that the bio-dad is in. Its not about you, and he doesnt see you as a person or as a stepfather. It is about your girlfriend to him, who he is obviously not over. If she is defending him to you, and he is saying things like THAT, then i would be suspicious of whether or not she has let go of the relationship either. In our situation, H has sole custody of kiddo..and BM only takes visitations when she has a boyfriend. In the last year alone, H has met four guys, all of whom have heard the same spiel from BM. Everytime, H greets them, goes through the same song and dance with each one, and then a few months later they are gone. I have no idea what these guys think is going on, i dont know what bm tells them about H, or myself... but two of the four were really agressive with H - kind of like you say the bio-dad in your case is. When BM broke up with each of them, she would say things about how H is bigger than her boyfriend, or start going on about what went wrong between her and H five years ago, or just totally disapear until she hooked another guy... it was awful. H was totally confounded, furious, and quite frankly had no idea what to do. I think you may just have a case of an extremely spiteful ex, like we do. I dont know if any of this helps, but i hope you at least dont feel like your totally alone in your situation. good luck.
First, she is not your
First, she is not your stepdaughter. She is your gf's daughter. You aren't even a fiance so what you are doing is claiming a 'role' in this little girls life that legally you cannot claim.
I suspect your GF finds your critizism of her exBF a critizism of her and her bad choice of partner/baby father. After all, you can leave her life but she is stuck dealing wiht the man for the next 16 years at the very least.
He is also claiming territory over you. A Man thing. He is marking his territory out by making it very clear HE had your gf first, before you. Ha ha ha. And he is trying to let you know he has power over her and can convince her to dump you and return to him. Will this happen? Unlikely. But he wants to keep you alert to the fact that he CAN and WILL step in.
You have to accept that this man will not respect you as long as you are forcing the 'time to talk... man to man" approach. As tough as it is back off. Let her deal with him and just be supportive. Keep your distance from her past relationship uness it becomes threatening and he is harrassing her continuously.
Do not facilitate anything between them. Be neutral. Make this about YOUR relationship with her and not as the Great PeaceMaker. As great as that would be it will not happen.
Also remember he has a 2 yr old daughter. HIS daughter. and along comes this guy who decides HE will be HIS daughter's stepfather? He isn't even engaged yet and he is making claims like that?... See what I mean? Put yourself in his place.
How long was it between your GF leaving him and hitching up with you? Are you living together? Maybe this is all too soon for her ex to take in.
Tim! Before other scare you
Tim! Before other scare you from this site.. Let me say one thing first.. My BF and I have been together just over a year.. He has 3 kids.. Well my BF told me that I was a step mom to his kids!!! YEP, let me repeat that one more time for clarification, my boyfriend told me I am a step mom to his children! He and I live together and we have the kids more then half the time.. I care for them when they are here, and they respect me.. The children on their own say I'm their step mom, cause I'm with their dad and they love me.. I didn't tell them to say that.. So anyhow, its not a crime to refer to yourself as her step dad if your in a committed relationship, but not yet engaged or married.. If your playing the part as her care taker that way, so be it.. The point of OP was not wether or not he was a step dad or the BMs BF.. Tim, I think you should talk to your GF and settle things before its goes further.. Yes, BD may never like you, so what.. We welcome you to the hate club
You will have lots of fans!
This guy is calling himself a
This guy is calling himself a stepfather to a 2 yr old. She has a father and a mother. And suddenly after a few months she has a stepfather who is getting between the mother and father.
My daughter has a 3 yr old. She has been apart from GDs father for 15 months. She has had a BF for a yr. At no time does GD refer to b/friend as anything but his first name. He isn't her father, he is her mothers b/friend.
When my daughter has to deal with the B/Father she listens to her B/Friend but then reminds him the end decision is made by her and B/Father.
Sorry, 9 months into a tremulous relationship does not make you a stepfather. Othrwise anyone you choose to live with becomes a stepfather. COnsidering some women's behaviour some kids would have a new 'stepfather' every year.
Let the parents sort out the
Let the parents sort out the parenting. Even though you want to control the situation and get it settled, you have to let it go. You can't control it and it isn't your responsibility. We always seem to have the hardest time in sparenting when it comes to letting go of the responsibility that isn't ours. BD doesn't sound very mature for 36, and you can't expect him to act like he is. So, don't engage. It isn't your responsibility. I agree with take the supportive approach. You might find you're happier.
I second that notion to RUN!
I second that notion to RUN!
I second everything he said.
I second everything he said.
you don't have to earn the
you don't have to earn the title of parent, you either spread your legs at the right time or have a fast swimmer with great aim depending on gender ~~ then you're golden b/c you have had kids ~ reagrdless of how useless they may or may not turn out to be... it's the step-parents that get shit on and have to earn their place in a "blended" family....
(No subject)
Hi again, Well to those of
Hi again,
Well to those of you who question whether I qualify as a step parent, you are all entitled to your opinion. I know that I am very new to all of this and there is a long way to go, and a lot to be learned, but my girlfriend already views me a a step father to her daughter, while I am an active care giver and figure of support. So all I can do is keep doing what I can.
It's all part of accepting who my girlfriend is.
I think I may have been unfair on my girlfriend as she is very supportive in many ways.
While I also really feel as if I can be open with her, and she encourages this.
The only problem has been any talk about how things are with the BD, it has been frustrating when I feel she hasn't been able to understand what I have gone through.
I think the way forward is not to engage and just take the supportive approach. I have tried to engage with the BD and it really hasn't worked out. The less I see or hear from him the better, it's pretty clear to me that I'm not going to get an apology and his form suggests to me that he's only ever going to annoy me.
On the other hand, it must be really hard for my girlfriend having to communicate with him. Let's face it she has no choice, and as annoying as that is, it is not because she approves of the shit has been throwing my way. In fact, she has defended me many times. I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it really is an issue between the BD and myself, and I just shouldn't involve her. There's no way I want her to suffer indirectly from any trouble caused.
So removing myself from any with him situation should help. That way I'll spend less time raising issues with my girlfriend, and more time giving her support.
It has to be hard on her, it's difficult on everyone, I'll even accept that it can't be easy on BD either. Although that doesn't excuse his behaviour.
Whatever, I'm going to chill out and not get involved in that stuff anymore. I'm much happier that way.
Cheers
I agree with what spunki
I agree with what spunki said.
Being a stepparent is NOT dependent on a marriage license.
It's a relationship. It is not a legal term.
Ignore the ones who are telling you that you aren't a stepfather just because you aren't married or engaged.
Some of us learned through experience that a wedding and a ring are meaningless. It's the commitment that matters, not the paper, the ring, or the ceremony.
Tim, I am a SM and yes we
Tim,
I am a SM and yes we are married now..but it didnt start off that way..ummmmm we dated first and lived together...So my DH told me from the onset that I was his daughters SM. She calls me by my first name..I do not want her calling me mom as I'm not her BM and I'm not trying to take her moms place. But I am the woman who takes care of her, feeds her, arranges playdates, takes care of her when she's sick, buys her clothes, helps her with homework, ect...that said I do these things because I love her...
Listen you love this kid, support her financially, emotionally..etc..etc... yes she has a dad and it doesnt seem that anyone is trying to take that away.
The issue is the lack of respect coming from BD..so stay out of his way, do not speak to him, do not look at him. At then end of the day your relationship is with your girlfriend and your step daughter..period.. it's not with BD.
Cheers... Z
If it makes the original
If it makes the original poster feel better (11 months after his post), I have been married to my DW for 11 years, and I don't call myself a step-father. I am SD17's "mother's husband." SD17 gave up the right for me to be called a parent of any variety, even a "step" parent, through her horric treatment of me.
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You are in the childs life
You are in the childs life and her mom has chose that. You can call it whatever you want but your an adult in her life trying to love and better her. Thats what I dont understand, as hard as it already is to feel apart of an already made family but doing your best people do not want to give credit to the NON parent. That kind of negetive crap and titles they dont "THINK" you should have is exactly what puts up walls between the family. You are Great by loving and wanting to claim this child as most dads (not even step parents) do not want to claim any responsibility. Keep doing what your doing and this other guy is just jealous your girlfriend is happy with you and all he should give a crap about is that your daughter is treated well but he , along with most exs, are only concerned about their own feelings. The more people who love the child the merrier. Any other way of thinking is just selfish....