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Road trip????

poisonivy's picture

DH wants to be there for SD5's first day of kindergarten....not a problem. However, not only would he drive 3 hours to get there, but he would also miss a full day of work...unpaid, bc he is out of paid time off...

Opinions?????

Comments

PoisonApples's picture

his choice

He'll still be accountable for his half of the bills though, right?

PoisonApples's picture

Then he needs to figure out how to make it up.

OR

You could try to reason with him (after leading him to realize the above) and see if he can't do something else, like see the child the sunday before she starts school and help her pick out a school bag or something.

stepgin's picture

He kind of sounds like a nitwit! Sure, it would be nice for him to be there, but losing a day's pay to make what will probably be a 5-minute visit doesn't make much sense... Maybe he needs to plan a little better so that he's there for the things he thinks are important and not use all his time off for other things. For example, it would be nice for him to be at the Christmas program where he can spend some time with his kid. etc.

poisonivy's picture

He's not a nitwit...he actually used his PTO for a family emergency.

SusiQ's picture

I agree it should be his choice - but is what $$$ you'd be out really worth it. Granted we may not remember our first day of school but I know my mom & dad do. It is an important milestone for parents.

I could see an issue if he wanted to buy a plane ticket to go our the expenses would be insane but it's a 3 hour drive and it sounds like if he's willing to do that - it;s important to him

I say let him go and don't stress about it unless the missing the day of work puts his job in limbo or jeopardy

poisonivy's picture

No, that's not possible. And things are definitely tight after a really tough summer break.

poisonivy's picture

Probably so, but is that a cycle we really want to start? I think its sweet that he wants to go, too, but at who's expense? After he makes the trip, I would have to step in once again and rescue the finances.

poisonivy's picture

Bills would be late and it would be extremely difficult for him to catch them up. I've done it before to prove a point, but I'm not willing to be late again.

poisonivy's picture

From a one-sided POV that makes sense, but you're having a hard time following because you are not considering the bills portion just the income.

bribaby1105's picture

Well, I think it is a good thing that he cares enough to go 3 hours to see his daughters 1st day of school. If he is going to miss a day of work, better to be with his daughter on her first day than to be out with friends or something stupid. No matter what we think, the first day of school for a lot of parents is a big milestone. As far as the money goes, I understand when things get tight, trust me I do, but one day off is going to through your entire household completely out of whack? Obviously only you know your finances and I don't want to seem rude or judgemental, but is it the finances you are worried about or the fact that your hubby is gonna be 3 hrs away with his daughter and possible the BM that is bothering you? Again, not trying to be rude, just throwing that out there..

poisonivy's picture

As I stated in my post, the being there is not the problem. The fairness is....if you've seen some of my past posts, you know that there are many times when I'm left picking up the slack, especially financially, for DH when he wants to do things with or for Sks. So this is yet another day's pay gone and another 400 mile trip to finance.

poisonivy's picture

Obviously, different strokes for different folks. Some people are savers, some are spenders. There are many reasons a married couple may have arrangements other than pooling all their money. We ARE a team, hence my having stepped up to the plate so many times before!

poisonivy's picture

Neither of your "choices" can determine our team status, nor does being a team have any logical bearing on his decision. Although, using your same brand of logic, I could say "Well, if we're a team, don't put the family in a bind. If we're not do whatever and spend whatever you want and why go to work at all because I'll just pick up the slack."

No poison preferred...thanks.

aggravated1's picture

She wasn't being snarky, she showed the flaws in your logic, and very well I might add. I might not blog much, but have been here a long time and am on here a lot, and anyone someone SOUNDLY refutes your logic you snap back with a 3rd grade comment and act pissy because someone didn't eat the crap you tried to feed them. The illogical load of crap, with sprinkles.

aggravated1's picture

By applying the same logic in an opposite situation-as in, why isn't her husband not being part of the "team" when he seeks to do something which might adversely affect the family? Makes a lot of sense, but to you, it's snarky.
I would ask you why this is so difficult for you to understand, but any intelligent opinion that does not include a SM kissing either the birth Dad's or Bm's ass is lost on you.

poisonivy's picture

No not much, just when I'm attacked....

Your idea of help seems to antagonize people. Fortunatley, I deal with antagonists on a daily basis...

Thanks for your input.

poisonivy's picture

Mrs. Poison, please....

And when I give you a response to a question, it is what it is...don't assume because that offends me. Also, don't think that just because something works for you and yours that it will work for me and mine. AND, if you you dish it out be ready to take it.

PoisonApples's picture

Aside from that, IF you're a team, come up with a creative way to make up a day's pay.

bullsh*t

If you are a team, you decide together what is best for everyone. You don't assume that he gets what he wants, especially if he has a history of putting things like this first, and then leave it to you to scramble to figure out how to pay the bills.

Being a team doesn't mean that one person does wtf they want and the other one has to be 'creative' enough to figure out how to pick up his slack.

PoisonApples's picture

I am, however, very happily married, so SOMETHING is being done right.

Tell it to someone who might believe it BlendedFam.

I do not believe for one second that you are happy. Not in your marriage, not in your role as mother, stepmother, not in any aspect of your life.

I think you are very unhappy. Why else would you come here and put people down like you do? I think you have a miserable life and you come here to look down on other people thinking it makes you look better, gives you something to feel good about.

You are only fooling yourself though.

The fact that you keep coming back after virtually everyone (with one or two exceptions) has made it clear that they think your 'advice' is crap is proof of the fact that you are desperate for attention - any kind of attention will do.

aggravated1's picture

You have name called on several occasions. Don't you realize when you say things like this you don't do much for yourself or whatever agenda it is that you have? I mean, your credibility is minus zero right now. I wouldn't even bother with you, other than the fact some poor unsuspecting soul is going to wander in here one day and the first advice they get could be some horse crap you shoveled out. And happliy married, my ass. People that are happily anything don't behave like assclowns because they are in need of attention, any kind of attention. Maybe you aren't getting enough at home.

PoisonApples's picture

What?

How DARE you say that? Are you STOOOPID?

BlendedFam has an IQ of 170, don't you know. She has more experience than the rest of us put together. We should all feel blessed and privileged to have her to tell us what to do.

It isn't HER fault if we are all just too stupid to see that BlendedFam knows best - always. Well, if we don't praise her and thank her for telling us how things are supposed to be that's because there is something wrong with US.

PoisonApples's picture

Like I said, I offered options.
They either work for Ivy or they don't.

But your attitude was (and always is) like if she doesn't do what you say, exactly the way you say she should do it with no questions asked then she is a complete idiot who WANTS to have trouble with her husband and skids.

That is ALWAYS your attitude. As if we are supposed to revere you as some wise, all knowing being whose word is final and is not to be questioned. If anyone disagrees or rejects what you dictate they should do, you get all pissy and start hurling insults.

Chavez's picture

Well I for one think that BlendedFam gives solid advice. Often times she writes exactly what I am thinking.

PoisonApples's picture

My problem with her is that she is a liar.

Her first post to me accused me of something I didn't do then, after it was deleted she denied she'd said it.

She was lying. It was not a mistake. When I confronted her she played the holier-than-thou crap, pretending that she'd NEVER lie, of course not, she's so perfect.

Then there is what she tried to do to katrinkie the other day. That was absolutely disgusting.

You don't have any problem with her because she hasn't treated you the way she treats others - yet.

poisonivy's picture

"But DH saying "I'd really like to be there for my DD" and her saying "Yeah, well, that's nice, but it's not gonna happen" is HARDLY a "team" effort, dontcha think?"

I'll thank you to not put words in my mouth.

PoisonApples's picture

There are other ways to 'share' the day with her.

He can take her shopping for her bag and school supplies to fill it with.

That would be more meaningful in the long run than him being there for 5 minutes in the morning.

NO WAY should you have to pick up the slack if it's a position he has a history of putting you in. If it were a once off, ok but not if this has become the 'standard'

poisonivy's picture

Are you assuming that I cannot relate to this???

I too, have walked 3 Bio's to their first day of kindergarten.

PrincessFiona's picture

I personally don't think it's worth what it would cost to make it happen. My children understand that inorder for us to have a nice life parents need to work and sometimes that has to be a priority. I think he could do other things to soften the fact that he can't be there.

Call the morning before school, wish her good luck ! Visit prior and leave her a small gift to be opened the morning before school. Call again when school is done to ask how the first day went. Have a couple balloons delivered to say hope you had a great first day. There are many ways to send the message than just being there.

Just my thoughts.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

It's kind of a big deal. My BD will start kinder this year and it is a big deal for parents and the kid. There's always the first day of school pics that go down in history & are shown in future slide shows at weddings or grad parties. Some schools even have a special morning for parents that day. Do you have your own kids? So I understand him wanting to be there instead of the day before. It might also be worth it for him to miss a day of work to be there. If he wants to go see if he's willing to sacrifice somethig else to be there. For example, he can go but he has to sacrifice eating out for a month to make up the difference (or whatever would equal the amount he won't make that day). If he normall makes $150 that day then take that $150 out of his budget somewhere- eating out, skids expenses while there, etc. Also, could he miss a half day at work instead? If school starts at 8 and he leaves thenhe could be back at work by noon. Just a thought.

PrincessFiona's picture

Added to say.....if he has recently been out of work and used up all his paid time off then it might reflect badly on him at work to keep asking for time off. I know employers can be flexible but they still look at someone's work ethic.

poisonivy's picture

He's only been with this company since February, so I'm concerned about that aspect as well. I am allowing him to make the call, but I wondered what the general consensus would be....

poisonivy's picture

When it comes to someone spending the money that I work hard for, "allow" is a good word.

PrincessFiona's picture

Then it seems to me he is jeopardizing more than just a days pay. He is also affecting his reputation as a dedicated employee. I wouldn't want to be looking for a job these days.

I also have to say that my two children both completely ignored me when I showed up at school the first day, they wanted to get on with it and not have mommy hovering. And my ex (still married at the time) did not take the day off for the first day.

i think he might be putting undue pressure on himself to be there.

KittyKat's picture

I have to jump in here in that I see that ALL YOU DID was ask a simple question and some people are turning it into a sideshow.

First of all, any wack job who is asking you for "details" about WHY your hubby took family leave needs to be told it's none of his/her FRIGGING business. I agree with you. If he's only been on the job since February and has used up a great deal of time, it WILL reflect poorly on his employment history.

Secondly, I, too am a teacher and a parent. Although the first day of kindergarten IS a major milestone, for him to travel 3 hours to spend perhaps 1/2 hour with her seems quite excessive to me. A phone call before and after her day at school seems more than reasonable. And, it has nothing to do with finances....it's not like he's going to get to go to CLASS with her and share the day with her!!

In agreement with others who shared wonderful suggestions, it seems much more logical for him to go to a "meet the teachers" night or an open house. This way he can spend one-on-one time with her teacher, look at all the lovely projects she's done and are on display in the classroom, and really feel part of things. On the first day of school, the teacher has NO CLUE who her new set of cherubs are, so it's often best to go later in the year when the teacher can tell him how well she's doing!! Smile

kphotog's picture

Maybe he can cut back some of his spending on frivolous things, save up for a couple of weeks to cover the day off but still meet his monetary responsibilities. I know my SS's don't start school for another 3 weeks.

If it were my child I would really want to go to the first day of Kindergarten. If I knew I couldn't afford it I would try to do something special beforehand. Someone mentioned taking her out to buy a backpack or something like that, I think that's a great idea.

PrincessFiona's picture

Most schools do an open house to meet the parents soon after school starts. I would think this would be a better place to spend the time.

But schools all have differing routines. In my area they discourage parents from hanging around the first day, too distracting for the kids who are already anxious.

poisonivy's picture

Unfortunatley, due to the nature of his work, DHs job doesn't allow half days during certain times of the year, like now. He used his PTO in conjunction with his vacay time for an emergency with SKs. I have no problem with him being there, as a parent myself, I totally understand...my problem lies in the fact that I warned him early this summer about his extravagant spending and more important things that would come up....so now, here's one of those things. In previous blogs, I have talked about our household finances and how I would sometimes use a portion of my CS payments to make up for his spending. I want him to understand the position that his decisions place the entire family in....

forever2's picture

My BF would drive three hours and skip a day of work to watch his kid take a s--t. There isn't a thing you can do about it. Even when we have 5 million things we need to do around the house, my BF will sit at his kid's swim meet for 3 hours to watch the little pudge flail around in the pool for this 30 second event. That's the guilty parent thing. It overpowers them. I have tried everything to talk sense into him but it is hopeless. There is no compromise. Its only kindergarten now, so it will get worse. I suggest finding lots of things that interest you, because he probably won't change and every time he has the opportunity to watch the little princess do anything, off he will go.

Chavez's picture

Maybe it's not a guilty daddy thing, maybe it's a parent who loves their child thing and they don't want to miss any part of them growing up if they don't really have to. DH has rarely missed any activity that SDs are involved in and I have rarely missed anything my DS has done. Children grow up so fast that those moments in time are precious to reflect back on.

poisonivy's picture

That's funny, Forever!

I honestly did not intend for my blog to turn into some kind of circus. The decision is ultimately up to him anyway. He has the facts, but he needs to ready for the consequences...either way....

stormabruin's picture

From the comments I've read (I admit I didn't read through all of the arguing) I get the idea that you & your DH keep all of your money separate...?

My opinion may differ because DH & I don't. We each have bills we are responsible for each month. We both contribute to our household income, & we each have bills we are responsible for each month. However, when I fall short, he pitches in. When he falls short, I pitch in. We don't keep track of who pays what & who owes who. That seems like a rigid way of doing things, to me, in a marriage.

If it were my decision to make, I would support my DH in taking the time to be there for his daughter, & work the finances around to suit it.

Most Evil's picture

One thing I notice is that not only are there lost wages, and unpaid leave at a new job, but also the cost of getting there and back, food, possible car breakdown, etc.

I don't even remember the first day of school and it seems this event is bigger for the parent than the child.

I completely understand being the one that picks up the slack financially and it is a huge problem and easily abused IMO.

My DH did drive 10 hours for first band concert but at least SD would remember that more, she was maybe 11.

If he really wants to, ok, but he should somehow legitimately address all the other 'costs' everyone else has to pay for him to do it, in some way. IMO! maybe a 'ok, but' situation.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I would 'allow' it if he could make up the lost money somewhere- cutting Costs elsewhere or sacrificing something else to cover the costs. (If you dh eats out for lunches then this month he brown bags it or if he has a premium channel on tvhe likes then take it off for a month or so.) if he really wants to go then he'll sacrifice something. Give him some credit for wanting to be there, though. He may just want to be able to let his daughter know, down the road, that he WAS there and made the effort to be there. Maybe he doesn't want to miss out on being in those famous memorable '1st day of school pics'. Ss12 doesn't remember his 1st day of kinder. But once when talking about it dh mentioned to ss that he was there and he had pics too. He showed them to ss. Ss eyes got so big. He couldn't believe that his dad actually took the time to rearrange his work schedule just to be there. He smiled so big the rest of the day. No telling what bm puts in ss mind about dh but at least ss knows there was at least one time his dad was there for him. (there are more but bm has ssbelieving that dh is a bad father.) Something to think about...

Bradybunchmom's picture

I personally would "let" my hubby go...he can't get that day back. Kids grow up too fast as it is.

anabihibik's picture

I see it as the underlying issue to all of this is not this one day. It is this pattern of financial management that is really the issue. It appears to have built up and become a source of resentment, and I understand why. I'd be a little hot under the collar. Do you think he will learn from this? If so, then in the grand scheme of things, no, this one day is not necessarily that big of a deal. But, I gather that you are on that train of thought. It is frustrating that he doesn't plan better.