You are here

How old were skids when you guys had the CS talk with them?

poisonivy's picture

Just wondering...

Most NC families end up having the talk about CS with skids at some point. I would like to hear about some of your experiences and how BM handled it when she heard.


shielded2009's picture

DH has been talking to his daughter about it since she was like 4 or 5...Not in detail, and not using the words CS, but every now and then, SD will say tell DH that her mother told her that DH doesn't take care of her...DH has explained to her that he does...He tells her that every month her mother gets a check to help take care of her when she's with her mother...

Once SD asked, "Does Mommy give you a check when I'm with you?" DH said, "No...I take care of you by myself when you're with me..."...

we both raised our eyebrows...

Oi Vey's picture

We never brought it up to any of the kids.
We really didn't think we should involve the kids in "adult business."

Now, when the older ones were teenagers, I'm pretty sure they kinda figured it out. They start to learn how the world works and probably figured dad pays mom...
but we never talked about it

Oi Vey's picture

I'm just WAITING for XH to bring it up to the kids... he has paid 16% of what he should have for the year so far. I figure any day now he'll tell the kids he's "paying" for our nice house and my new Benz.
Yea, right.

poisonivy's picture

Actually, many therapists advise parents to have these conversations with their children.

the_stepmonster's picture

We haven't talked about it with them but kind of wish we would. If they knew their dad was giving them $2000 every month then maybe they would stop complaining about how cheap he is.

Willow2010's picture

I don’t know about when DH had the talk with his kids, but I remember when I had the talk with MY children. They came home after a visitation with the ex…And they were talking about how their dad could not feed them much and how he could not afford gas and how he may lose his house, all because he was paying CS. He told them that is how I could buy a new cars and a new fence and ect, ect, ect.
I did explain to the then 8 year old and 13 year old, that their dad pays some, but certainly not even close to buy a car or ANY of the nice things we had. We have nice things because I know how to budget my money and I work my butt off to keep a roof over their head. What little CS I did get for the month, would barely feed them for a week.
I was LIVID and said a little more than I should have. BUT..what I could have said, was…sorry kids, but your dad is a bald face liar! He rarely pays shit and when he does it is only a token amount to stay out of the system. He makes a little more than me, but lives in shit, because he spends most of his money on beer and random women.

Jsmom's picture

We have no CS but when BM demanded it for SD, it came up with SS. He asked why it was taking so long to settle the situation and we told him why. She didn't get any but she certainly tried. I have no problem telling them.

purpledaisies's picture

This is how it happened for us...It was about 4 years ago when bm threw a fit about dh being behind in CS and opened a case with CS enforcement. It was found that dh was 1k ahead which we knew and told bm not to but she did anyway. So b/c of that bm didn't get CS for about 6 weeks or so.

that is when ss15 then 11 was all upset about bm not having any money and it was of course our fault! He was always telling us that we need to give bm money and didn't understand why dh wasn't paying. But never asked why bm didn't have a job!
Dh finally sat him down and showed him the paper work and they read it together. DH explained what it all meant and that he had already paid his part for those weeks and explained that if bm had listened to him about the cs then he would have paid even though he was ahead but she had to open the case which means that he can['t pay til he is caught up.

In my opinion you sit them down and tell them the facts with paper work when they start asking questions or when they are asking for money for they mom! That means they are old enough to understand CS and have it explained.

Since that sit down with ss15 he tells his mom to shut up and get a job! Also bm was telling the boys that dh never paid CS and she was the only paying for everything or her mom and aunt had to pay b/c dh is a dead beat! However since that sit down all the boys are asking bm if she doesn't have job where does her money come from every time she tries to tell them that dh is not paying CS. lol The boys know better now and understand that Everything BM pays for is with CS!

Cocoa's picture

if kids are old enough to realize that adults pay bills, i don't understand why child support should be a secret? if they ask for things not in the budget, are they not told that? do they not understand that the lights, heat, cable tv, etc... are not free? child support is simply another bill to be payed. i agree with purpledaisies. the facts were simply stated. the children should be allowed to draw their own conclusions, and will in time.

stormabruin's picture

We did not arrange a talk, but yes, SS made comments about it that lead to conversation. He'd been misled by comments BM had made regarding the amount & claiming that DH wasn't paying what she needed him to pay. What she failed to mention was that he was paying the amount they agreed on, which was more than he would've had to pay had the order been made by the judge.

I think it's important to correct certain information, but I also believe it's important to only disclose what's necessary to keep them from being confused or mis-informed & to keep conversation age-appropriate.

stormabruin's picture

No she won't. Maybe if when BM acknowledged the things that the support is providing she would understand better, but all the child understands is that BM takes her out & buys her things. As far as she'll understand, those things are coming from BM.

Even at 15 & 18, DH's kids don't seem to get it. If it isn't something they want being passed from his hands to theirs, they ask for & expect more.

dragonfly5's picture

Crazo actually had FSD11 call her Dad this year to ask for the child support early so they could go jet skiing on vacation.

SO told her, your mom shouldn't be putting you in the middle if she needs something she needs to call. I love you have a great vacation.

What a piece of crap! The next weekend unfortunately the kids brought it up and said they didn't get to go jet skiing because he didn't pay their mom.

He got out the CO and said when does this say the CS is due and it said the last day of the month. He took out a calendar and said what day was last Friday it was the 10th. Your mother should have never put you both in the middle of this discussion, she needs to budget her money better if she knows you all are going on vacation. (The woman is a nurse and makes good money she just spends it faster than she makes it.)

He also told them he has never been late on a payment.

My SO's friend is a child psychologist and told him at this point he had to give the children the facts. Just the facts, but he should not let them thing he wasn't paying the CS since crazo brought it up.

They are 11 and 14 so old enough to understand the basics. In the words of FSS14, "dad you know mom lies". Really that just says it all. She cannot be trusted to tell anyone the truth.

the_stepmonster's picture


paul_in_utah's picture

DW and I learned that SD17's "pefect" bio-daddy had a chat about CS when SD17 came back from visitation and asked "What have you been doing with MY money?" Apparently, "perfect" bio-daddy was griping about paying CS, and said that DW should just give the money directly to SD17. DW had a chat with SD17, and explained that the money is spent on all kinds of things that benefit SD, such as utilities, gas for the car, lunch money, and sometimes things that go directly to SD17 like new clothes. The topic has not come up again since that.

herewegoagain's picture

So the CS goes for things that benefit the skid and mom's contribution goes to things that are fun for the skid?

joanie's picture

I've heard the mister tell the Kid that "I give your mother money every month to help take care of you." But I don't think it's come up beyond that. Do most BMs tell the kids crap about CS?

herewegoagain's picture

If I as a parent can tell my son, "no, we can't go to the movies because it's not in our budget, or you will have to wait until next month, etc..." then there is NO REASON why a kid cannot know about CS. Heck, how many parents tell their kids "turn off that water, the water bill is expensive or turn off the lights, electricity is out of hand...or no, we can't drive around for 2 hours because gas has gone through the roof!" Of course, it's usually the one receiving it that gets angry when the one paying talks about it. However, funny how many who receive it or don't receive it have no problem putting the ex down about not paying it or not paying enough and telling the kids about it.

SKID has always known, although DH never told her, since her mother was famous for having skid since the age of 5 ask her dad for extra money for vacations, new 50USD tennis shoes, new computer, new, new, new, new...because "dad had money". Funny...Of course, skid was quick to tell dad off last year when dad wouldn't send her additional money to blow on herself and her new boyfriend of the that point, for the first time, DH actually said the words "you know that I give your mother money every month, so either ask her or have her call me...". Of course, her reply was "yes, I know you do but that's not enough and she has 2 other kids to support... lol She of course forgot or didn't care that he also has another kid to support.

Ah...the gravy train will end soon...counting down.

stepmom31's picture

It came up when BM's job was no longer available to her. Skids were 11 and 13. DH explained that they don't have to worry about where they would live and if they would have food etc. because a significant proportion of the money that their mom spends for everything in their household comes from CS and that would still be available even if mom is not working. They understood it.