New and trying to cope
Hi everyone. Brand new here so bear with me if I make some mistakes on the abbrvriations. I have been married 51 weeks. First aniversary is next weekend. DW has two kids from previous marriage. I never had kids and spent my entire adult life either alone or living with one other person (my ex-) Anyway, SS (19yrs old almost 20) was living out of state and couldn't get his crap together with a job and living arrangements after months of telling us how things were "working out" Long story short, about a week before Christmas, SS needs to move back home (after spending all his savings). I have a small house and the whole dynamic has changed. Where I once felt comfortable cuddling on the couch with DW and a glass of wine, I now have a 19 yr old on the loveseat scrolling through his phone. He's not a bad kid but it's just not how I envisioned wrapping up my first year of marriage.
I made it clear before we got marrried that this would be my worst nightmare. As a matter of fact, I put off proposing until I thought the kids were independent. DW can't understand why I feel claustrophobic in my own home. I was still in honeymoon phase and now I can't even be comfortable with "special times" with DW. To make matters worse, DW feels upset that I want some alone time. I explained that this is a big adjustment and I need to just be away from the gremlin on the airplane wing for a couple hours. I never want to hurt DW and love her dearly, but I feel like this is a burden that needs to be very temporary. How can I make her see the importance of that without sounding cruel? I know that I am being selfish with wanting time for just the two of us but that's what I thought life was going to be like.
I love my DW but I'm feeling cheated out of the wonderful alone times we had. How do I make this good for everyone without losing my mnd or sense of peace and tranquility in my own home? I put a timeline on his stay, but how do you deal with that if he can't get his act together? Not to mention that this is also coming at a time where it's a financial responsibility that I wasn't counting on, like paying car insurance for him, fodd, extra electricity and hot water.....
Thanks
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My SS will be 19 soon and
My SS will be 19 soon and also lives with us. My worst nightmare has come true as well, so fist bumps? Yay...
He needs to pay rent and his own bills. That was rule No. 1 when my DH asked about him moving in. Rule No. 2 is that he has exactly 1 year to get his shit together. The expiration date on that rule is in July. He has yet to do any gathering of said shit, so I'm going to remain firm on that out date. He can couch surf or go back to his mother's filthy hell hole...anywhere but here!
You need to talk to DW and agree on some rules/expectations and be prepared for her to want to coddle her man baby.
This is an important topic to
This is an important topic to discuss with any blended family.
The expectation is for adult kids to move out. And when that doesn't happen it can put a strain on any relationship.
First you need to talk with your DW. Set your boundaries and expectations now.
For example - adult children living at home either have to be a full time student with a part time job and contribute to the household both financially and respectfully.
Aby adult child, not a student, must have a full time job including the above however there is a time limit, say 6 months.
While adult child lives at home we are allowed our sacred space. If we are in the main living area adult child needs to respect that space and stay out. We are allowed to have dinner alone if we wish. Anything that you feel you need as an emotional boundary should be discussed.
Whats happening here is that you didn't have this discussion. You assumed all was clear but quickly saw how that isn't the case.
Thanks
These are great comments and I will take them all to heart. SS went for first job interview today. I did get a little blindsided by the whole thing. I will have a dicussion about 6 month time limit. As soon as he gets job we need to set up a budget which includes kicking in for added expenses!
If I was you, and you can
If I was you, and you can possibly afford it- take what ever rent/expenses he gives you and put it in a savings account. When he moves out give him the $$ to put in his own savings account for emergencies. This way, not only have you given him the help to get on his own now, but you are already "helping" future SS. Keep reminding your DW if he come crawling back for mommy to save him, that you actually have already saved him 2X now and he blew both opportunities.
I agree with the time limits and I am also a huge fan of contracts. He needs a roommate agreement! Expecatations of sharing house duties, cutting the grass, dishes, etc. This along with a drop dead- kick him out date will help you feel much more in control of it all.
Yes all of this ^^^.
Yes all of this ^^^.
And make it known that your door doesn't revolve. Helping out to get started is fine but it is a one time deal (excluding emergencies).
I like that idea of putting
I like that idea of putting the "rent" away for helping him get his place.
I wouldnt foot the bill for
I wouldnt foot the bill for my bios if they moved back or my skids for more than 60 days. After that rent and financial independence should be demanded and a timeline for him to get out. We dont have a timeline for SD19 to leave because she works full time and goes to school. She pays her own bills besides car insurance as Dh has always paid that and she doesnt pay rent but she is working towars a goal and we have a big enough house to accommodate her and the other 3 underage skids.
I do feel your pain as far as feeling uncomfortable in your own house but I moved in to their house. You didnt ask for this so I feel you have every right to ask for a timeline and financial help if needed. If you can foot the bill for a short time so he can get on his feet faster it might be worth it. I would never turn my back on my adult bios and neither would my husband but like I said we have a big house to accommodate. No matter how big the house blended and steps are difficult to deal with. Hope he has a job lined up
Working on getting a job now.
Working on getting a job now. Fingers crossed.
The red flag for me is this:
The red flag for me is this: "DW can't understand why I feel claustrophobic in my own home. To make matters worse, DW feels upset that I want some alone time."
To me, I read "DW is very selfish and doesn't care about my needs."
I get that she might be more comfortable having her bio kid living there than you are. I get that she might even enjoy it. What I don't get it is - why doesn't she care how her new husband feels? Does she possess even an OUNCE of empathy? Does she really have NO idea why you want alone time with her? Can she REALLY not even begin to see why this might be less than enjoyable for you?
Now, you are going to defend your wife, I know, but from what you've written, she sounds supremely selfish and unwilling to compromise with you.
Honestly, it boggles my mind
Honestly, it boggles my mind when the birth parent just can't understand why having their adult kid suddenly living with them would make someone feel uncomfortable in their own home, or that the birth parent could even feel justified in being "upset" that their SPOUSE wants alone time. Like, what???? It's NOT THEIR KID. Absolutely selfish.
Same. I don't get it. I'd be
Same. I don't get it. I'd be concerned about DH's feelings if I had a kid move back home. Hell, when my dog has anxiety in the night, I feel bad for DH because it keeps him awake - and he loves my dog. But I brought her into the marriage, so I try to minimize what he has to deal with in terms of her.
SS used to tell me I was "nicer than most people". I think I'm just normal, but maybe not, judging by all the selfish partners on this board.
This kid is 20 yo
He needs to get a full time job, save his money and have a plan to move out. If he does things like loses his job all the time. Then he needs a date to move out. Your DW likes the idea of her son living with you, like old times. Her old times. This could be the first major thing in your marriage, your DW May never forgive you it you press the issue to move out. And you may never forgive your DW is son stays
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head. Very tough waters to navigate.
Don't allow DW to make SS
Don't allow DW to make SS feel comfortable. He should be made to feel UNCOMFORTABLE so he is self motivated to move on. Girlfriends over ? nope. Coming and going late and waking up the house? nope, Eating your special food? nope and so on and so on. He wants those things that come with living on your own, then he moves out, he doesn't get them living at your house.
Living with a young adult is different then living with a teenager and he needs to be made aware of that. Expectations to chip in on expenses? Of course. Freedom to disrupt the household patterns? Nope
You tell him: look I've worked hard to get to this point in my life and I am going to enjoy the fruits of MY LABOR. If you want the freedom to live as you like then you need get your shit together and get going on your life. I think so many parents forget to paint freedom in a postive light. Yeah it comes with responsiblities but its so worth it.
Similar thing happened to me.
Similar thing happened to me. DH and I waited to marry and move in together until we thought our two youngest had launched. Nope. They BOTH came back to the nest. But we each had a screwed up kid so it wasn’t as lopsided as your situation.
We required that they get jobs and help around the house. They both did. Some job hopping but eventually that settled down.
They didn’t really want to be living with us so they got out in a decent amount of time.
DH and I purposely did not slow down on the public cuddling and affection of newlyweds. We did everything we could to make them uncomfortable.