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Too much to ask???

Physics guy's picture

SS19 got a part time job (5pm - 11pm) at local convenience store for 8 bucks an hour.  He works there 5 shifts a week.  I told him the goal was to be out and independent by July so I suggested he pick up another PT job during the day (as he just sits on the couch while DW and I are at work).  Well, he seems averse to this idea and thinks it's too much!  Meanwhile, I work 2 jobs, DW works job and cleans houses on the side.  We are trying to be role models but I feel like he is just being LAZY!  It's not like I'm telling him to work in the coal mines!  I just want him to pick up a few shifts at McD's to augment his income!

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Maybe phrase it differently? Tell him that he is going to be out by July (whether he likes it or not) and that it would be in his best interests to either go full-time or find a second part-time job (because how will he pay for food and rent otherwise). Giving him a goal that is in your interests isn't going to light a fire under him but make it all about him and you'll be on the right track.

ndc's picture

Maybe you could give him a math/budgeting lesson (or better yet his mother could do it). Show him your grocery bill for a week. Show him what apartments in the area are going for. Help him make a budget that shows utilities, phone, vehicle maintenance, insurance, etc.  Let him see that grossing $240 a week will not cover those expenses.  Maybe (hopefully?) he'll then conclude that a 2nd job isn't a bad idea.

Do you think he realizes that his July "independence" date is real, or is there a history of coddling and walking back deadlines?  Persistent reminders of that deadline (preferably from his mother) might help.

Physics guy's picture

This is the first deadline I have ever had to give him.  I have never had a kid live with me before until SS moved in.  I never had kids of my own and when I married his mom I was under the impression that both of her kids were well on their way to independence.  One is doing great.  SS19 moved in right before Christmas after a series of bad choices an lack of gainful employment left him with no options.  I am not happy about this and probably would have put off wedding had I known this was in my future (we had been married less than a year when SS came a knockin')

Anyway, I have told both him and DW that July is non-negotiable.  

I am trying to teach him basic finances and budgeting.  Here's where I lost it though.  He ran through most of his savings when he tried to go out on his own.  I discovered that, even after moving in with us, he was still buying on-line games and subscriptions by using debit card on internet!  He came to us with about 700 left in savings, but when we went to close account there was only about half of that left!  Needless to say that I blew my top!  The problem is that he thinks that a hug and saying "I'm sorry" makes everything OK.  Ugh

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's because YOU are doing this and not his mother.

He likely thinks that since his Mom isn't the one yelling at him about this that he'll get to stay past July. That she'll "muzzle" you and support her son, like she currently is.

Until she puts her foot up his backside, you getting on him won't do any good. You are in a far better position to mentor him, if you so choose, than disciplining him. 

Basically, the person you need to lose your sh*t on is your wife. This is her son and her problem. If she is fine with the way things are, then your choices are to deal with it, leave, or kick them both out.

Welcome to being a stepparent. Beer is in the fridge, whiskey is in the freezer.

Physics guy's picture

I am trying really hard to mentor him.  I'm trying to show him how to cook, think about finances, clean up after himself.... even telling him he needs to shave before going to work.  I think I'll need that burbon!

lieutenant_dad's picture

What is your WIFE doing, though?

She is his mother. He also has a father. Did neither of them teach him how to cook, shave, etc?

When I say mentor, I don't mean parent. I mean, if he complains about something, you offer a solution. If he asks for help, you guide him through it.

Teaching his to cook is a PARENTING duty, and no adult kid wants to be parented by someone who isn't and hasn't been their parent.

Listen, I admire what you are trying to do. However, you're going to put in 80% effort for maybe 20% return. You need to make YOUR WIFE acutely aware that her son is going to be out in July, or you will be. SHE needs to put her son's rear into gear. Not you.

You're making a classic stepparenting mistake - thinking you can undo years of bad parenting or "save a kid from themselves". That rarely works, and the folks it tends to work for are the ones who have been there since the beginning and the other parent is no longer in the picture.

Repeat after me: YOUR WIFE needs to handle this. Tired or not. Working 2 jobs or not. He is HER responsibility.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I agree with Winterglow - put it back on him.

Instead of telling him he needs another or better job say, SS I was reading an article today and it stated that the average amount needed to be saved in order to move on your own is blah blah. If I divide that by 6, as your deadline is July, that means you need to save blah blah each month.

Then walk away like you just dropped the mic. And make sure these comments are made in front of his mother.

Or you can say, wow look at the power bill this month. If I divide that by 3 as if I was a single guy out on my own, say in July, that would be blah blah blah each month.

Or after a trip from the grocery store you can leave the receipt on the counter. When SS is around make a comment about the cost of food and the portion of income it pertains to. 

Basically, passive aggressive. But always relate it back to SS and continue using July as the reference. Play him smarter. He wants you to get angry so he can use it against you thus getting his spineless mother to continue his length of stay. Dont get angry, get smarter! Play this kid until his head wants to explode and he leaves because he just can't take it any longer.

ESMOD's picture

I agree that your wife should be definitely telling her son that this July deadline is happening.  That he damn well better be ready for it.  But, I think it's ok for you to also discuss it with him.. as long as it doesn't drive you crazy lol.

Have you point blank asked him how he thinks he is going to be able to afford to move out in July?  Maybe asking him how HE thinks it will happen.  He may spout back some random fantasy scenario to you.  Then.. say.. hey.. let's take a look at what rents are around here... check out craigslist for roommate situations etc..   Gosh.. do you think you will be able to afford 500/month plus you will have your car insurance at XX a month and your cell phone bill will be XX  and.. it probably will be another XX for groceries.  Our internet and TV costs us over 100 a month too.  Do you think you can cover all that with what you make now?

There seriously are so many more ways he can make money.  Shoot.. warehouse jobs around here start at 12/hr or so.. and those don't require much skill at all.  Trades jobs.. electrician helper etc.. My DH's nephew does that and he makes like 20/hr after several years.. and he makes OT too.  I mean, it's "great" that he is at least doing something right now... and it sounds like mom kind of has been soft on him.. he is several years behind where he should be "career-wise". 

There is also the thought that your wife could offer him an incentive to SAVE.  We will match 50 cents on the dollar for everything you have in savings by July... so if you save 1000 we will give you 500.  Up to some amount that is affordable for her?  It might get him in a habit to put money away.. make better choices with it

Physics guy's picture

I love your post.  That is an excellent idea about having an incentive.  There are warehouse jobs here, too.  This group always has some good advice!

Wilhelm's picture

There is so little work here that the amount the boy is doing would be considered close to full time. I would let the bio parent explain the finances to him. I use a very simple one page sheet, months across the top outgoings and bills down the side. You can see at a simple glance with this page how much life costs. $8 an hour just won’t make the bills so it is look for a better paying job or find another way to save or make the income.