This past Friday DH & I went to dinner with our long-time friends who also are “blending.” Our SKIDS are the same age/gender. We have been with our DHs for about the same time. Our problems parallel. Invariably we get into a conversation of the trial and tribulations of blending.

My friend’s situation is far worse than my own—she lives in the shadow of a ghost—BM died young 13 years ago --a result of addictions. As many of you know I am BM-SM with a semi-active BM; however strong her presence.

Anyway, the conversation steers toward SD and SM relations.. (We agree that SS haven‘t been as big of a problem.) Her DH says…look, SD did not choose to have a SM, and SM should either be her friend or stay out it: SM has no business correcting poor behavior! (I say why haven't the SS given us as much grief... as a BM of 3 girls and a girl, I'll tell you why: girls are bitchy.)

I pipe in and say SDs didn’t choose you DHs and BMs as their parents or your marital dysfunction either…. Do you really think that me and friend came into our relationships to destroy what was left of your dysfunction. NO! We didn’t. We came into these relations with love of you both and chose to marry because doing so, could demonstrate what healthy relationships can be…. We did not enter these lives to make your children’s lives miserable, OR OURS!! Think about that… If you love us, you have to trust that our motives have been nothing but to help raise healthy independent kids.. You both have rejected our involvement and chose to go it alone.. What do you have: dependent kids that you are both irritated with… As educated and independent women, we did not enter this relationship to add anger and dysfunction to our previously contented lives.

My DH interjects that he has decided that he is going to stay out of SD’s and mine relationship, and that DH friend should do the same.. Only the SMs and SDs are responsible for developing our relationships. To that I say.. Thank you, but it’s just a bit late in the game.. for the past 8.75 years, you already taught her it’s okay to disrespect me. Now I have to undo your damage??? At this point, I don’t give a shit if we have a relationship, or not. Remember: I am not her mother. And… she is not my daughter…
And what do y’all think about this: their anger and insecurity is not REALLY with us, the SM… but you the fathers… If they were secure in their relations with you, they wouldn’t be challenged by ours… DHs’ response: Oh, poppycock!!! Couldn’t be, we have given them everything…

The other DH belabors the friend idea.. I say.. OK. What do you think about this: SD told me a boldface lie to me nearly a month ago? If she were my friend, I would have called her on it. I would not have to tell DH and then DH confronts her and then DH tells her to apologize to me (which she still hasn’t). If I was her friend (and she was mine), we would have honest dialogue… or we wouldn’t be friends.. You can’t expect me to be a friend to someone who lies and manipulates. Are you friends with these types of people? I KNOW you aren’t. Oh, I am told, It’s different. How is that?

It goes back to the SDs didn’t choose to have us in her life… so we take back seat to her father’s decision… It’s not our place to discipline. At least at this point my DH says.. wait a minute… Persephone and I are partners… If SKIDS violate her boundaries… Persephone should stand up to them, No different than a babysitter.. He says.. why is it that we give a babysitter more authority that our own wives? He says .. Persephone.. I am sorry, but I see what this marriage has done to you.. You are not the same person I married… you are wonderful with your own kids,, your friends,, your family.. But to me and mine you are not… I want that back…

I want IT back too… But he may have to accept that I might not be what we set out to be particularly, with his kids… I am okay with that.