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Irresistible force about to meet immovable object

paul_in_utah's picture

About a year ago I posted on SOD (Significant Other - Daughter) being unhappy with her new apartment, because it wasn't up to her "standards."  Well, it's been a year and her lease is about up.  I am 99.5% sure that she will be changing apartments again (since she has never stayed anywhere more than a year), and rents have gone WAAAAYYYY up in our part of Utah.  My SO currently pays 100% of the current apartment costs, and even to stay in the same place would mean an increase of $150/month.  Since SOD is certainly going to want a bump up to a better apartment, that would mean SO's monthly expeses would go up more like $300-$400/month.

SO's entire bi-weekly paycheck is instantly vaporized, between her own bills and also the amount she pays for SOD's rent.  She is terrified of disappointing SOD (i.e. not bankrolling her), but at the same time you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.  Really wondering what SO is going to do.  Working an additional job to support SOD is not an option, since she already provides 2 full days of babysitting every week so SOD can work.  Going to be interesting. 


Harry's picture

And SO  is paying SD living expenses?  What equals in my book. You are paying SD living expenses.  There something wrong here. 

paul_in_utah's picture

Yeah, that is one way to look at it.  To keep from going totaly crazy, I look at it like this:  I would incurr most of these costs anyway if I was living alone.  Utilities might be a little lower.

But yes, SO should be contributing to the bills and she doesn't pay anything.  So that is is a point of frustration.  SOD is pretty much living her best life thanks to the bank-rolling.  SOD still gets lash treatment/hair dyes/nails/pedis/lots of make-up, so what money she makes is quickly blown.  Of course SO doesn't want to say anything about it, because she wants SOD to be able to "live a good life" and not struggle with being responsible and paying more of her own bills.

I will say that even if I was controlling the budget, SOD would still need help.  She can't make enough money at retail to live independently, and she did choose to get pregnant at a young age to baby-trap a bad boy.  BUT, if she made better decisions and lived without her luxuries, she'd be a lot closer to being able to cover her own bills.

DPW's picture

Regarding your last paragraph...

And why is all this your problem? I don't understand your mindset Paul. Your justifications for the ongoings pertaining to SD and your spouse boggle my mind. I really hope you get a better deal out of life. You deserve it. But understand that it will be up to you to motivate and take action for it to get better.

justmakingthebest's picture

Has she applied for housing, food, daycare assistance? What would she do if her mommy died tomorrow? 

I can understand helping her some, maybe once a month grocery trip, or a little babysitting- but we all know that your SO is doing too much and won't ever stop. Is your SO adding any value to your life? Is any of this worth it?

paul_in_utah's picture

Yes, she adds some value.  Mostly along the lines of companionship, as we do spend a lot of time together.  A decent chunk of that is spent baby-sitting and doing stuff with her family.  However, we do get quite a bit of personal time to watch our shows together, eat meals together, etc.  Also, not to put too fine a point on it, she does provide intimacy 2 times per month on average.  This is a huge drop-off from the love-bombing of the early days of our initial relationship.  But, based on some research I have done, sugar babies of comparable attractiveness in our area would charge $400-$500 per session, so in a sense she provides value of that sort. 

Rags's picture


She is killing herself to protect Skidult SD from life instead of preparing SD for life.

You are the one funding it. Time to put ALL of the bills on SO and let her know that no more marital resources will go to support her adult daughter.  

End this. 


CLove's picture

Good to hear from you.

Sounds like SO might just be SOL? 
Have you made any more trips with yours?

At least SO isnt complaining and guilting you about them (I hope).

paul_in_utah's picture

Clove, you may have me confused with someone else.  That doesn't sound familiar.

Noway2b1's picture

I seriously thought I would need to take on more work in order to "help" my son launch. There have been so many upsides to it, I think it would have been worth it. He doesn't need any help though since he's got a roommate and bumped up working one more day a week. That may change once he goes to school full time. Then my offer of help will be there, if needed, but I hope he can manage. So I guess you have to ask yourself. Is it worth it to have the peace in the home? 

paul_in_utah's picture

SOS (Significant Other - Son) is actually doing ok.  He has a job and hasn't gotten his girlfriend pregnant yet.  He lives with us rent-free, but has not been saving the money like he was supposed to be doing.  So he is nowhere near launching, but he is gone with the girlfriend all the time, so I don't think about him as much.

thinkthrice's picture

Unlaunchable.  Yes rent has skyrocketed due to inflation, more restrictive legislation on property owners and the eviction moratoriums.   Maybe her landlord won't renew which is happening more and more as PITA tenants just aren't worth it.