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SO already laying the groundwork

paul_in_utah's picture

to ice me out when SOD (Significant Other Daughter) gives birth to SOD-GD (Significant Other-Grand Daughter).  I get it, she will want to spend time with SOD and help her with the baby, but she is already talking about how unpredictable babies are, and how they "don't just stay on a schedule."  I get the idea, I'm not an idiot, but I kind of thought that SO would maybe put some boundries up, such as only helping on her days off work, etc.  However, she is making it sound like she will be on call 24/7, and will be bouncing back and forth from our home to SOD's apartment to dote on the the baby.  

I definitely plan on bringing up her ridiculous "side job," and how she will be giving this up to pander to SOD.  Because I don't see how she can possibly do the side-job while baby-sitting non-stop.  More evidence that the "side job" was just an excuse to avoid spending time with me, and to avoid coming to see me while I am on the road.  If it was as important as she said it was, she would insist on some boundries with SOD, but she clearly isn't doing that.

I may wait and how some of this settles out, but I am looking a the following scenario:

SO is gone baby-sitting all the time.

Due to SO's allergy to the dog that SOD can't afford or take care of, SO can't just sleep at SOD's apartment.  So she will be in and out of our home, waking me up at night.

SO will be unable to do anything to take care of our shared home.

I will, of course, be getting even less attention.


I don't need much in a relationship, but I think this may be a bridge too far.


Stepdrama2020's picture

You are aware she is icing you out. You come in last place. She takes advantage of your generosity. She wont be intimate with you. 

Are we allowed now to say leave? Asking for a friend   ;)

Seriously, best of luck and blessings.  Hun,  instead of thinking of payback games, rise above and put this dysfunction in your rear view mirror.

tog redux's picture

Amen. OP, you are part of the problem here. If you are unhappy, leave, don't sink to what you think her level is. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Paul, the bottom line here is that SO is using you. Period.Dot. This is beyond a bridge too far. This woman does nothing for you except live off of you. You are getting NOTHING out of this relationship except irritation and frustration and, at this point, it is beyond me how you can entertain the teeniest idea that this horrid woman will, in any way, ever be a partner to you. She will continue to use you while finding every way possible to pull away from you. Honestly, she is already too far gone to be anything other than an INsignificant Outahere.

As much as I would like to brainstorm with you and help you find solutions, I have to step back. Your 'relationship' is only a relationship on your end. Time to stop beating a dead horse, move onward and upward, and be HAPPY.

Ispofacto's picture

The only thing you will ever get from this woman is cooties.  Make sure she hasn't taken out a huge life insurance policy on you.



CLove's picture

Yes, protection is in order as they may be plotting OPs demise.

CLove's picture

This is a wonderful place to write things out and vent and then come back to and vent some more. Hoepfully as you write things out it will bring you closer to the natural conclusion that you are better off without this succubus and her spawn.

advice.only2's picture

I feel like you have come here at the end stages of your relationship, either looking for validation to end it, or ways to resuscitate it.  It appears everything in your relationship has come down to a bartering system, that does not appear to be loving or caring for one another...more just what you can get out of on another for your own gains.

paul_in_utah's picture

You are probably right, maybe I am looking for validation.  I am just so angry with her, and the only outlet is venting here.  I am considering getting a counselor, although they haven't helped me much in the past.

Merry's picture

Your anger is evident, and righteous, but it is going to eat you alive.

Vent away, my friend. I hope you figure out what you want to do if your SO refuses you that love and attention you so crave.

Rags's picture

I would be injecting that message now and keep injecting it for the duration.

A GK is of course a notable life event. I get that, though I do not get the doting raise your GK for y our idiot children perspective.

People have kids and get their first GK all of time all over the planet every single day.

IMHO a couple of GParenting age have to maintain focus on their relationship even through the GK or GSkid arrivals.  

My parents have very good friends where the wife is their daughter's beck and call au pair, keeps the daughter's home, cooks the daughter's family dinners, gets the GKs ready for school each AM, etc, etc, etc..... The GM pretty much does everything but screw their daughters husband.

On more than one occasion my parents and this couple have met for RV trips that the wife allowed their idiot serially breeding married daughter to interrupt.  Nearly every time the wife will get a call from their daughter regarding some crisis, a kid's school project, the daughter is overwhelmed with some trivial life/family event, etc, etc, etc....  Initially they would pack up and leave to head back home so the wife could continue to be the daughter's beck and call girl.  Eventually the DH got tired of it and told his wife to buy a bus ticket because he was not going to interrupt his trip because the wife would not tell their daughter no.

My parents are incredible GPs.  The GKs all love them to death and make an effort to visit my parents regularly.  My parents visit them fairly regularly as well.  4 GKs, spread around the US and Europe. Including my SS who is their GSkid. Though if anyone had ever tried to tell my parents that my SS-29 (Adopted at his request at 22yo) is anything less than their GS it would have been a very unpleasant stance for that person to take.  Mom was at the hospital for the deliver of all of her GKs (except my SS), stayed to help for a week or two, then got back to her life with dad doing their together thing.

Time to let your SO know that, yes, babies are unpredictable, they wake up at random times screaming their heads off, parents are sleep deprived, etc, etc, etc... But.... this is neither your problem, nor is it your SO's problem.  The baby's parents own this. Not the GPs.

Close the discussion with... "If you leave to babysit or to respond to some insignificant SD baby crisis that keeps you away past when I go to bed, do not come home until after my alarm goes off in the AM. Don't call me to check if it is okay to come home. Wait until I call you and let you know that it is an appropriate time to return."  Then call the lock smith to re-key the locks so she knows you are serious.

She can stay at SD's and deal with her dog induced allergies. You live your life and be happy. If that leads you to a new mate who is as all in as you are in a healthy adult relationship, so be it. Your current SO can remain her daughters beck and call girl.

Good luck.