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Skids gifts to dh

Nottakingit's picture

I know this is really stupid but I need to vent. The skids keep giving dh gifts I had planned. They don't know bc I don't talk to them about it.

A few weeks ago sd22 wanted her and dh to go see Aquaman together and that's what I had planned to surprise dh with while my kids were gone with their dad for xmas day.

Then our anniversary is in March and I was going to buy us tickets to "our" band's concert, including vip passes, and give him the tickets for our anniversary. But his sd19 bought us, her and her boyfriend tickets to that same concert and gave them to us for xmas!! I was so shocked and I cried(she told us on the phone and she doesn't know how I feel or what I planned) and dh was like, "you are upset that sd did something you hadn't even done yet"(I was waiting for my after-xmas check to buy the tickets) He totally doesn't get it. This was perfect for our anniversary. I feel so crushed. 

Then today his sd22 spent the day here and gave us all Valentine candy and gave dh the exact same chocolate tin that I bought and have hidden away.

My sd19 bought him an ornament I had found from his favorite xmas movie so now he has two.

I know how stupid it sounds but I'm really tired of the "special" things being taken over by his kids. And I understand that his kids love him and this all is meaningful to him. My kids always check with me to make sure I haven't gotten him the same thing already and I just can't imagine one buying fucking concert tickets to our favorite band without making sure we didn't or I didn't have anything planned. I dread going and sd has this weird singing voice and will be singing the whole time beefbecause everyone tellsher how good it is and dh is going to be thrilled and won't understand why this bothers me. His daughter did something nice and I'm ungrateful :/ 

Is there a graceful way to stop these things from happening or do I just continue being a silent resentful bitch?


Nottakingit's picture

That concert should have been adult only! We dance together and then afterwards... But now it'll be awkward.

tog redux's picture

The last thing my SS gave my DH (4 years ago), was a bag of licorice.  I'd be thrilled if he bought DH anything, even if I had it planned, and especially if it wasn't a passive-aggressive bag of candy.

I've got to be honest - this is not a competition. They aren't trying to outdo you, they just happen to know what their father likes. I'm not clear why this is so upsetting to you, I'd be annoyed if I were DH, too. It seems very childish to me, sorry if that sounds harsh. You really need to get over this.  Your stepkid gave you a ticket to a concert! I'd be blown away if my SS19 did that.

You are making something a problem that doesn't need to be one.  Don't go there, it's going to affect your relationship.

somethingwicked's picture


tog nicely summed it all up~ just needs a bow.

Yes 3

These skids do not sound like the evil a-holes that  are the bane of so many of us STalkers  who  blog and post. They included you in the gifting and these are thoughtful gifts. So they know their father's likes and respect him AND you enough to gift you both.

Perhaps you have something in  common with his children as well ~like your taste in gift giving.

As futuro suggested maybe  adult /sensual type gifts would prevent doubles or competition type gifts from his kids that  you are bemoaning.



lieutenant_dad's picture

The kids are all adults. Why not just call them up and have a chat?

"Hey, it's great that you are doing these things for your dad. However, a few of these were gifts I had already purchased him. In the future, could we communicate what it is we're buying so as to not buy duplicates? Plus, we may be able to pool our money and get him something bigger."

I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, and I've had my SF ask me a similar question before. Just make it about doing better for your DH.

Nottakingit's picture

I know it sounds stupid. My skids are usually really mean to dh and selfish so when they do nice things I should be happy. I just wish it didn't keep being things that I had planned. And this concert was our thing. Now it's been taken away AND I have to attend it with a rude interrupting argumentative 19 year old who refused to see us for 2 years unless it was at her mom's house.

fourbrats's picture

thoughtful and loving gifts and this is an issue?  At this point you may be lucky if your husband even takes you to the concert. I know I wouldn't take DH if he acted ungrateful. Yes I am being harsh but they haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like they spend a lot of time thinking about gifts and want they the intended to enjoy the gifts.

Also, checking on gifts works both ways. If these things were so important to you would could pick up the phone and say "Hey, just letting you know I was planning to buy X for Christmas for your dad." Hell, they may have chipped in on the VIP passes or something. . 

Nottakingit's picture

All dh knows is that I told him what I had planned for us. I didn't make a scene, he has no idea that this keeps happening or that I was really crushed about that concert. I am going to start just telling all the kids everything I get him or plan. They tend to tell everybody stuff so I've been scared they'd let it slip to dh if I told them any secrets.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Are you sure your DH isn’t telling the skids your plans and they are rushing to one up you? Unless your DH is a single faceted person with only one very specific interest, how are they nailing your ideas on the head with such precision? 

Nottakingit's picture

Well so far no one has known in advance about my plans or gifts I've bought. I wouldn't mention things to the skids because they have the habit of telling everything. Dh only knows about the anniversary plans for the concert after the fact bc I cried and he wanted to know why it bothered me that sd got us tickets to go with her to it. Apparently I'm in the wrong for feeling how I do, I can deal with that. I do hold alot of resentment for what they've put us both through and still are putting us through. 

Mumof8's picture

I understand how you could feel upstaged and disappointed by all of this.  On a side note, the fact that his kids and you are buying him the same things tells everyone reading how close all of you are to him and how much he must love you and them.  It is the only way you would all be able to know the things he would appreciate most.  They are adults now.  Perhaps what you should do is take him on something he's never done before or help him try the unexpected and new?  You could be particularly fun if you are constantly helping him to experience something unexpected.  Or, you could work with them to make Holidays even more special.  At least the gifts are coming from them and not their Mother to him.  Every Fathers day my SKidz BM comes out with the kids (All Dolled Up) and sends them with "Thank you for giving me the best boys in the world"  or Thanks for making me a Mommy.  Or "Our Children are so wonderful"  "Our family is so blessed that you are the Man in it"  BS and he always throws the stuff away immediately and gets annoyed because literally she is having us served court papers the week before.  Make the most of it.