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Disengage step daughter

NEM's picture

I'm so pissed right now, SD 29 can apologise to DH for all the things she's said & done to him over the 15 years but she hasn't bothered with me even though she told him she would try. She has done some despicable things like using my tooth brush to clean toilet ( I used it after unbeknown ) & so many other discughting vile things & the most evil words. I'm angry that he dosnt care that these things havnt been addressed even though he says there unforgivable, I don't want her to even try to speak to me but I want him to expect her to own it & apologise I want him to want that for me that I deserve that. Does he think I don't deserve that respect. I'm struggling with this disengaging thing I feel like he's telling me one thing but excepting what she's done & now down playing it to her.


Mostthanklessjobever's picture

As your husband he should have your back and should support you.  I hear what you're saying about her not apologizing but he should want that for you and I agree.  To me it comes down to a love and respect thing.  HUGS

shamds's picture

Vague. Like they just do it to shut daddy up. Claim they didn’t know they did anything wrong or i know i do it but i’m not wrong for doing it. Its just round and round mind games to make their dad give up addressing the issues

then other times its they apologized to dad but not to you or other people then hubby says they are sorry, when you confront hubby “well did they apologise to me??” Its no comment.

you just get to a point where enough is enough and it just aint worth it.

Justthesecondwife's picture

Don't you just love the apologies they give via other people? And expect if to have any impact on you? I use it as a joke now if my DH ever says something stupid like they are sorry and say something like, well I paid the car insurance this month so can you please tell the health insurance I did that so they won't expect me to pay them too? 

Justthesecondwife's picture

I understand how you feel, and really sympathise with this unfair situation you have been put in. I have a "SD" (though I do not think of her as that anymore given her actions - she is just a toxic person of no relation to me).

My question to you is, do you actually want your SD to apologise to you? If she did apologise do you want to forgive her and have her back in your life as one big happy family? What would you do if SD did apologise to you?

I ask these questions of you, as they are what I have had to ask of myself. Initially, once my SD had become estranged following stealing our $20k wedding/honeymoon money along with other dispicable acts, I wanted an apology. I wanted an explanation. I wanted restitution, and I wanted my DH to demand she rectify her actions and not only give back our money but to give us back the time in our life that she ruined.

After a while, and SD had remained estranged I realised I did not want an apology or explanation from her. What she had done could not be undone. There was nothing she could say which could in any way justify her actions, and my life was much better (save for being resentful about not having a wedding with our family/friends) without her in it.

I completely understand your feelings, however of wanting your DH to demand you deserve an apology from the toxic person he brought into your life. I get that it feels like DH is condoning her behavior by not demanding she apologise and give you the respect you deserve.

I also felt that, until my DH did demand SD apologise to me and our kids and "make it right". I posted on here about my dilemna. If your DH demanded she apologised, without her coming to her own conclusion that she was horrible, was genuinely remorseful, and took in upon her self to apologise and try to make it up to you, if it completely meaningless.

People who are actually sorry and want to recitfy the damage their actions/words caused do not require another person demanding they apologise. It would be disingenuous. Fake. Another pathetic charade which your DH would see as her "trying" and that "she has changed".

If that happened you would be in a worse position. Your DH, in all probability, would expect you to accept the "heartfelt" apology and "remorse" of the manipulative SD and then the focus would turn to you. It would be you who was expected to be grateful for the (fake) apology and welcome SD back into your life as though nothing ever happened. 

If you didn't accept the (fake) apology, you would be painted as the villain. The one who refuses to "let go" of the past and move on to singing kumbaya whilst holding hands with SD. All accountability would be taken off SD and dumped right onto you.

In my situation I have been thankfully lucky, thus far, that my SD has refused to contact me or the kids at all so there has been no fake apologiy forthcoming. I know in myself I do not want her in my life or my kids lives. She is toxic and brings absolutely nothing of value to my life, she just makes it worse, always has. Why would I want or accept that? I hope everyday that my SD continues to refuse to have anything to do with me or my kids. I have serious anxiety that at any stage she will return, put on the charm and make excuses (as narcs/sociopaths do) and the onus of the situation will fall to me.

No thank you! I get your feelings, but please consider what your current desires may lead you into. It all depends on if you want SD in your life, or to stay disenaged. DH's (well my own and many others on this board) will forevever be blinded by their princesses flaws, no matter what they tell you. They will always make up excuses for their actions and damage. It's that certain type of person who "parent" out of fear, rather than a position of strength which provides them with the tools with which to raise kind, respectful, hardworking adult skids. My DH is one, and I can tell you with no uncertain word, it is bound for disaster. My skids are the epitome of failures, and exactly the opposite of how I raise my kids.

I wish the best of luck to you, and hope you consider not just the current climate, but how your future may be mapped out with reagrd to your decisions.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Stole some airplane bottles of liquor from me (all locked down right now when she visits).

Her dad yelled at her about disrespect, stealing etc.  Then tried to set up a counseling appointment with her therapist.  SD refused, said some choice and very unfair things to her father. He told her he was sorry she felt that way, but was wrong and he'd be open to her apologizing when she realized what she did was so many shades of wrong.

Next visit time came up.  No apology?  He told her not to come visit.  It took a month, but she did reach out, apologized to him over text, then in person.  This last weekend when she came over, first thing she did was sit down and apologize to me, explained why it was wrong and seemed genuinely remorseful (although she is not to be here unless he is, all liquor gets locked up and this will last until I feel she has changed her ways).

So yes, absolutely skids can more sincerely apologize when their parent actually does some parenting.  But that's on you mr DH not to kiss his kid's behinds when they do something wrong.  

I remain mostly disengaged and only do stuff with him and the girls when I want to.  So really what's needed is your DH to step up and do some hard work.  Although with a 29 YO that ship may have sailed for you.  But then she sure doesn't need to be welcome in your home.

Monkeysee's picture

Good on your DH for holding her accountable and having a much higher bar for his kid than so many parents we read about on here. That’s how it should be! Well done mr aunt agatha!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

as long as your H's daughter avoids making peace with you, you have a Golden Ticket to keep her out of your life. You are currently the injured party, and hold the high ground. It's when these bratty skids give phony apologies and our SOs think everything should be excused/forgotten that we are perceived as the uncoopertative bad guy. 

You have a right to be fed up with years of mistreatment. You also have the right to draw boundaries to protect yourself from further mistreatment. It is disappointing when an SO doesn't stand up for us, but you can't control what your H does. You can only control yourself. 

A lot of these guilty daddees don't deal well with our anger. They don't know what to do with it, and it makes them feel pressured and put in the middle. But behind that anger is hurt, and pain. So maybe if you adopt the stance that his adult child has hurt you repeatedly, and you aren't willing to open yourself up for more pain until this adult owns their bad actions and shows changed behavior over time, your H will will be more understanding and protective of you.