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Disengage step daughter

NEM's picture

So while at work last night my DH took it upon himself to ring SD explaining my side of issue. He pretty much told her " for now " I'm not interested in anything with her my word was never, he told her F/child will not be involved until he see's she's able to change. I'm feeling annoyed that he only made her wait 2 days when I told him I need time to think what I wanted which after talking with this group I felt confident to express to him but decided to disengage with  SD & her family & not reply to her. It should have been my call to respond if & when I chose not for him to jump because DH or SD needed response asap. I feel he sugar coated it but I suppose it dosnt really matter what he tells her I don't have to do anything or say anything I don't want to - feeling confident because of the support from this group so thankyou all


hereiam's picture

Let him sugar coat all he wants, YOU still do not have to engage with her, at all.

He can deal with her nonsense, however he sees fit (as long as it doesn't affect you), you can keep your peace of mind.

He's leaving the door open for a couple of reasons, probably. He hopes you will eventually change your mind, and/or he doesn't know how she would react if he told her the truth, that you never want to have anything to do with her. If she reacts poorly to the truth, it will prove that she has not changed or matured. Therefore, proving that you are right to disengage.

NEM's picture

I knew she wouldn't react badly as she has only ever wanted it to be herself DH & F/child I have given her what she wants.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think most parents would sugar coat things like this when presenting to their own child. The "for now" is an indefinite time frame which can and will likely be forever. I doubt that a 29 yr old is suddenly going to come around and be the person that you hope for. He doesn't want to completely close the door on his adult child, which, I get and I am sure you do too. However, his relationship with her and be something between them and you left out of it. It doesn't have to affect you at all. 

ESMOD's picture

Disengagement isn't confronting or explaining your disengagement to anyone... it's writing a vow to yourself and burning it in the fireplace then LIVING that plan of action.

I don't think your DH needed to say anything to SD at all.. you were simply not going to be present or available to her... she would have caught on eventually.

Steptotheright's picture

Agreed it's more of a private coping mechanism, so that you can live with the emotional neglect and disrespect. Sharing your plans with SO defeats the purpose, especially if SO turns around and shares your plans with the kids.

You don't tell a bully that you're going to ignore them because they're going to understand on some level that they still bother you and you're still just trying to protect yourself.  no mercy will come from the bully once they realize this they will try to shatter your disengagement and make a mockery of your detachment. 

No with a bully you ignore them and you show them that they don't mean a damn thing to you and nothing they do can affect you in any way.

Announcing your plans works against this very premise.

NEM's picture

I disengaged 4 years ago she wants back in for various reasons I'm not one of them lol I had to tell DH something. I explained I needed time to process & decide he decided for me, what else will he say & do on my behalf grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr