I told SD15 to throw up in the sink
The last two weeks I have had to stare at the same dirty pan with silverware inside sitting next to the sink. I asked SD to please prescrub and put in the dishwasher. She agreed and then she never touched it. I've reminded her about it a couple more times and she said she would. I know she hasn't forgotten about it because it's still in the same place it's been since she used it. She has to look at it every time she goes into the kitchen. I know this sounds petty to get upset over dirty dishes but she got it dirty and everyone else has been doing their dishes. She has no chores. All she does is want a ride somwhere and for dad to give or pay money for something.
After dinner she was reminded again this evening to do her dishes and she said she would. Past 10 pm and I ask DH about the dishes. He reminds her and she says she will do them. He tells her she needs to do the other dish too, the one that's been there forever. She says she can't because it's all moldy. I told her it wouldn't be all moldy if she had taken care of it sooner. She says there is no way she will do it because it will make her throw up and she will just throw it away if she has to touch it. Her dad tells her she can't throw it away. I tell her if she's going to throw up that's fine just do it in the sink and get the dish done.
Now all of a sudden I'm being all mean by telling her to throw up in the sink. Give me a break. Does she think I'm out to get her or something? I would tell anyone including my own bio kids to throw up in the sink if that's what it takes them to clean up their own mess.
Well after she flipped her hair followed by a rude stare and saying I don't have to be rude by telling her to throw up in the sink. I jumped up, said I'm so sick of your b**chy attitude, and went to the office locking the door. I'm sitting here writing while my husband is now knocking on the door asking me what I'm doing. I don't want to see him or anybody. I'm so sick of that snot. No it's not a teenage thing. It's not that she gets it from BM either. She's been this way since she was 5. I told him I'm sitting here. Wow he actually left me alone.
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Hello
I know how you feel, my three SD are lazy they call their mommy to clean their home for them, lol. SD-T annoys the f**ck out of me, she keeps having kids and expects her mom my wife to always help her out. Wife and I have a daughter together that is 10 with autism and down syndrome, it's like I want to tell her kid to stop bugging her mom 24/7 and grow up. SD-T has a husband that needs to help his wife more. Sometimes o wish they would move far away.
I****
I****
Passive aggressive behaviour.
Passive aggressive behaviour. The worst type to deal with. Had all this from both skids, still get it from SS. SD was the queen of this though. In the end DH called her bluff and withdrew some of her rights or benefits because she had not done what was asked. The result? Hysterics, run to BM with a twisted story etc. She fully expected to get her full allowance each month despite the fact that she never did her chores on time, completely ignored other chores, moaned about everything. When DH actually did what he had warned her of: reducing her allowance she went crazy. All this was grist for BM's PAS mill.
You can't win when they start this stuff. It is known to be one of the worst type of character problems to deal with and there are soooo many people who do this: right into adulthood too. It's actually a type of bullying done by very very patient people who don't give a *hit about you. Death by a thousand tiny cuts. It is not healthy mentally to be that way. A teenager who is acting out is mentally more stable.
For us this was a sign that SD was turning into a covert narc like her mother who's behaviour is consistent with malignant narcissism. This girl thought she was above having to what was asked of her, the rules were not for her and the rest of us were her slaves. Clean up after her etc. What to do? I don't really know as it depends on your own situation. In my mind the correct thing to do is to call them on their behaviour, give consequences etc (your DH needs to be the one doing this) BUT if you have a BM like ours it just plays into their hands.
SD is now estranged from her father and verbally abusive etc because apparently insisting that she shower, do chores etc is emotional abuse *nea*. so maybe i'm not the best one to comment lol.
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/passive-aggressive-child-behav...
I think you are a good one to comment
Your comment is very close in describing my situation. Accountability is a foreign idea to my SD. Try to get her to stick any responsibility and she will covertly make you pay for it. She knows how to involve quite a few people into her deceptions which they don't realize. SD has to be seen as the best at everything and she thinks she should get the best of everything. She loves to tell people how abusive we are to her. She's threatened to call child services a few times. Her dad said she better not and I was handing her the phone. She only stays around people she can control and manipulate. She has always gotten some sort of sick pleasure from seeing other people get in trouble, make a mistake, or get yelled at, especially if she is the one who coordinated it to happen that way.
Lately I'm wondering what is up with her being nice to our dog. She hates our dog because he gets attention she thinks she should have for herself. Can you imagine a teenage girl being talked to like a loved pet? It doesn't matter how much of anything she gets she will always want more because to her its never enough.
I love that website
I'm going to read tthe article now. I get so much information from the website. Although sometimes it makes me sad because I I start feeling like it's hopeless learning new things about how to handle SD when I'm the only one trying to learn it. I guess I take what I can from it. It's helped me with DD8 a bit by pointing out some things I'm doing wrong that I can change now and do differently.
I would have said the same
I would have said the same thing- bios or steps!
What I want to know now.... did the dish get done??
Yes and no
The majority of it was scrubbed but it was old rice so bits of rice was still practically glued to the pan and lid. Our dishwasher isn't very good. I finished it myself.
Bottom line is that her dad
Bottom line is that her dad should have made her take care of this over a week ago....
But, I think it sounds like he was handling it.. so you putting your 2 cents in probably was not necessarily needed. I would have sat back and let him handle it. If it ended up with the pan not clean.. I would have then had it out with him to get it done.. even if that meant he had to do it himself.
If dad was handling it, the
If dad was handling it, the pan would not have had time to mold. I break disengagement lines when it comes to mold and bugs in my home.
That's why I noted in my
That's why I noted in my first sentence that the pan should not have gotten to this point... BUT.. at this point dad apparently was trying to deal with it and her kibbitzing in with comments probably wasn't the most constructive thing she could have done at that moment in time. I absolutely agree that DAD should have dealt with it by now.. I think DAD should have been the one to ultimately deal with the pan if he couldn't get his child to.
He would have cleaned it
His typical response to any issue with her if it requires action or responsibility it to first talk to her about it. If she is resistant he gets to the point of pleading while her volume steadily increases. Then he gets angry and she starts hurling everything imagineable about how unfair it is or how its asking too much of her right now or whatever excuse she can think up. He backs down and if there was a task that needed to be done he will usually ask me to do it and then handle it himself when I look at him like he's crazy. DH then feels good about himself because he believes she will appreciate the leniency, freedom, and special consideration he has given her. She will see what a kind and understanding dad he is that only wants the best for her and for her to be happy.
Yep. That's my DH too.
Yep. That's my DH too.
So I stopped interacting or asking SD14 or DH to do anything to help with SD14s messes. I just started throwing stuff away or donating it to the thrift store. It's still in the sink for 24 hours and I have to wash it? Then it goes away. I was ruthless. We are still short on bowls because of this and DH still hasn't replaced them (he must replace things, not me).
I'd just go cold. No helping, no interactions, no asking, no follow up.
You are done - over and out.
Ditto !!!!!!!!
Ditto !!!!!!!!
Thank you
Thank you for your honest feedback.
Why does she not have chores?
Why does she not have chores? I find it's easier to get skids to do things and clean if they are used to regularly doing chores.
Also, when I ask skids to do something and they don't do it immediately....I will ask again later, but this time I tell them to do it NOW. I feel like if you are having to remind them 20 times, that system isn't working. If they aren't doing it right away, just say, I mean now, before you do anything else!
She's too busy
If we assign chores to her she ignores them or it becomes a battle to get any of it done. Most of the time she is headed out the door or just getting home and too tired. I think if she has the energy to be so busy she can use some of that energy to do a few chores. DH is afraid to to ask her to do anything because she explodes on him and is an expert at guilt tripping him over every small thing she disagrees with.
SD14 is just like this too.
SD14 is just like this too. I have a whole Forum entry from April outlining what's going on (Teenage forum). Is there any possibility she'd just move back in with BM?
Not a good idea with BM
BM returned to using meth and has started using heroin. She doesn't have a job or a place to live. She lives with whatever boyfriend she's trying to suck all the money out of at that moment.
That clears that up. I still
That clears that up. I still go with the disengagement choice at this point.
I get that you like a clean house and so do I. But my DH did not learn by talking (any wonder his "talks" with SD14 didn't have any effect either?) but by doing. Once the house and his stuff went to cr@p and he couldn't find anything, he had to do all SD interactions, only then did things start changing. And that took a year of full on practice from me of making him do it. Then it's easier. It saved my sanity.
Now I have no problem hiring a housecleaner every 1.5 months, hiring someone to clean the second bath (paid for by DH) because no one can figure out how to do it, making sure things are clean. DH learned it's ok to give me most house control because he can't/doesn't want to do it. And SDs are his, and unless I want to help and volunteer to do it and know that DH will not interfere will I help.