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My Stepdad... my friend.

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Hey there S-talkers… long time no post! I’ve been popping in checking on everyone when I can but I’ve really not had a chance to write. Things have been chugging along as per usual… DH is still struggling to find work, Mother Russia is still drifting at sea trying to “find herself” while putting forth a half-assed attempt at motherhood, the boys are normal, healthy boys… and I’m still “faking it till I make it” in regards to living in a new city that I hate.

The usual.

What I’m writing about today is a disturbing comment my own mother threw at me the other night that I haven’t quite been able to swallow yet… it involves my stepfather.

My mom and step dad have been together since I was 6 years old (my dad was an alcoholic who was in and out of my life till he died when I was in high school), we’ve had what I considered a “normal” step-relationship, really I’ve come to consider it above average because we’re terrific friends now and in truth I consider him my “father” since he was the one who raised me, taught me right from wrong (not to mention such colorful anecdotes as what substances to try out in college and what ones to avoid at all costs! He’s a trip!) and who was always there for me. Always. Even when I pushed him away the most. I love the guy…

Well he and my mom are falling on hard times. They’re still “together” in the sense that they own and run a business together, still live in the same home together, still have dogs and friends and family… but they’re “marriage” seems to be falling apart. And it’s breaking my heart. They have been the bedrock of my belief that a relationship CAN work no matter what life throws at you. That someone CAN make it in this world… and it’s positively killing me to see it crumbling before my eyes.

And what really kicked me in the jimmy was what my mom said in regards to my step dad and I… she was ranting on about something that one of her friends kids are going through, that their son was in trouble with the law and the dad wanted to help the kid and the mom wanted to let him sort it out on his own (he’s 25 year old) and the couple is torn on the issue. I said, “well what if it was me, how would you and Stepdad handle it?” and she said “that’s different… you’re MY daughter… Stepdad was never your FATHER… he was your friend, but never your father…”

And all I could think was, “well… I always kinda thought he was.”

And it led me down a depressing rabbit hole of truth… no matter how much we as steps try, and no matter how accepting the “kids” in the situation are of us and our roll in their lives… we’re never going to be their “parent”. They can love us… we can be their friend apparently… but that’s about it. How sad.

Anyway… hope you’re all well… I think about you guys even when I’m away… *hugs*


New second wife-step-mom's picture

I feel that alot with my SS even though he is a spoiled brat. Sometimes I hate it that he lives with us I cook, clean, do laundry, p/u after him and take care of him when he is sick but I am and never will be his mother or do I get even a token of appreciation or affection. I do all of the things a mother does I try to be the best SM I can be and try not to be unfair with him. My DH told me when we first got together you are not his mother and never will be nor can you ever take his mothers place. No duh. But you know what, I am a better mother than she is and I know it. In here way she loves him and I know it but she is not trying to prepare him for the real world she just wants to be the cool mom and lets him do whatever he wants with no responsibilities. In defense of your mother maybe she said that way because she is hurting right now and doesn't want you to take his side over hers and she knows you have been close. Or maybe, she feels like he did not really parent but got to be just the friend to you.

caregiver1127's picture

Moon Child Step Mom - do not let your mother's bitterness towards your SF sully your thoughts or memories or your view of your SF now - he is your father or what you perceive yourself to be - she is angry and pissed at SF - he was your father - your father was not there this man since your were 6 stepped up and took on the care of you. When we get older a wonderful thing happens that can't be controlled by BM's or Birth Father's or anyone - we get to choose who we consider family.

I live pretty far from my family and I miss them and hate where I live but to make it more tolerable I have created a family for myself here in this part of the world - I am adopted so I view family differently than other people - and that is a good thing for my DH when he wanted his Foster Father who is 90 to move in with us - I readily agreed - it has been very difficult but since he helped out my husband when he was younger the only answer I could give was yes.

Your parents are the ones who helped you get up when you fall down, who teach you morals and through their example what a work ethic is - who is not afraid to correct you even when they know it won't be received well - they are the ones to wipe away the tears and hurt inside for you anytime that someone hurts you. Your Stepfather is your father and just because your mother said that - that does not change a thing - you are an adult and unfortunately you are now seeing what happens when love goes bad and the break up that ensues - let your mother know you love her but you also love your Stepfather and you won't be getting in the middle of this - and that any comments of how he was just a friend will not be tolerated. Your mother is an adult and needs to deal with this in an adult manner and not try to smear the only real father you have ever known. I am sorry you are going through this it can't be easy and I am sure for your Stepfather it is hard as well. Just let him know you love him and you are not taking sides - don't be someone like you mentioned in the second to last paragraph - stop the cycle with you and tell your stepfather the he is your father show him that all the time, love and attention he showed you was not in vain - yes he is your friend now because you are an adult but he still is your father!!

caregiver1127's picture

No problem just remember he is your father and your are his daughter and you are your skids mother - because apparently mother russia can't be one - do you see the irony in the fact that your mother married someone to help take care of you because your father was not able and you married someone to help take care of their children because the mother could not - I would say your stepfather taught you more than what drinks to have in college but also what a real and true parent is - no matter if you are blood or not - keep being a good mom and hopefully when the skids are older they will appreciate it much like you appreciate your father and remember lead by example - keep treating him as your father and your skids will see that and when they can make their own decisions they might try and emulate you.

*hugs right back at you*