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The saga continues

MommyT's picture

DH has been trying very patiently to work out a week to week schedule with bm that works to both our families. DH tried to set up a meeting with her and ss to discuss it and BM said no. His next step was to make an appointment with the court appointed counselor but he found out she retired, so he tried again with BM giving her until Friday to respond.

well she just responded. It is so funny to me how these women try and control every aspect of the situation. DH has 50/50 legal and physical custody. Every decision made must be mutual but BM thinks she can just make up whatever rules she wants. She agreed to school pick ups but only as long as ss is limited to a back pack and a sports bag. Anything more and ss will have to be picked up Sunday night and if DH doesn’t agree then she will revoke the agreement.

it doesn’t work like that! She doesn’t get to decide. They have to work together per the co. DH responded that he was glad she compromised and that he would keep communication open regarding changing pick ups if school projects required ss to carry additional baggage but that he couldn’t commit to Sunday nights. I mean her “rules” are a little rigid! I’m sure I will be attackes for this post but I just get so tired of the fight. Why does it have to be her time and her day? Maybe Sunday afternoon would work better if a project comes up. Who the heck knows? Why doesn’t it have to be so black and white? Why can’t she just agree to work with DH whenever a change need to happen? Ugh! It gets old.


STaround's picture

And walk to the car?  My kid's school does not have butlers.  And if one kid has a science project, likely other kids do too, so no, asking for help is not likely to get other kids to help.  

STaround's picture

But only mom cares about the kid.   How would YOU like it if you had to carry a science project AND your belongings?  I bet you would not.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Huh? Kid lives 50/50 between both parents. I'm assuming he has everything he needs at each house, minus the (rare) times where he will need to carry a project from one house to the other to work on.

And, as a kid who had babysitters in the evenings before my mom could pick us up, guess what we did? We carried projects to school to work on them there AND to the babysitter to work on them at the babysitter's house. 

OP's DH isn't saying he'll ONLY do school pick-ups. He's saying for 95% of pick-ups that school works and that they can negotiate the other 5%. BM is acting like the ONE time a school pick-up doesn't work because of a science fair project that they will go to ONLY Sunday pick-ups. THAT is rigid.

STaround's picture

With switching homes every Friday, and leaving from work?  I am guessing no.  As kid gets older, he will likely have long term projects and if he wants to work at them at both  homes, will have to bring with him to school.  And stuff does get lost or stolen at school.  

It is not being rigid.  OP has come up with every excuse under the sun why no exchange on weekends.  It upsets her kids.  They go out during the day.  Her kids have to go to bed earlier.   What it seems to me to be about is OP not wanting to make any change for the stepkid.  SHE is being rigid.  And I think OP offered Saturday also. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If both homes are equally mine? And I have the stuff I need at each? Yeah, not a big issue.

You're talking to a woman whose Mom and Dad lived on the same bus route after they divorced. Do you know how many kids said anything or cared? None, because half of them did the exact same thing, too. 

And any long-term project I had had to be worked on at both school and home, so I would lug my 40 pound backpack, instrument case, ane project boards/bags of supplies back and forth even if I was going right back to thr house I started my day at. And most schools have you bring projects in on Monday to work on and take them home on Friday to finish over the weekend. AND most of the projects that my SSs have worked on in their advanced classes over the last few years have fit in a backpack. I can remember a whole 2 poster board projects that, guess what, had to be taken to school to be worked on there.

BM is offering ONE weekend option: Sunday night. It is the ONE TIME during the WHOLE WEEK OP says doesn't work - and that day cuts into the time that SS could be spending with his dad since it is his day off. The only person who wins with a Sunday drop off (which even SS HATED and asked not to do again) is BM. And it's the ONLY alternative she is offering.

Remember, Dad isn't saying "school or nothing". Dad is saying "school or negotiate when the need arises". BM is the one saying "school, but as soon as school doesn't work, only ever Sunday's".

STaround's picture

In a forum, or she deleted them, in any event I cannot find them.   My recollection is OP's complaints related to HER family, not the SS.  Like her kids getting upset seeing SS leave.  Give me a break.  They can get used to it.

And if dad works Saturday, they could do exchanges Saturday after dad gets off work.  

I did not say that other kids would care, I just said, they would not likely be in a position to help carry the SS's stuff.  Big differnce.  

In HS, my DD has had many assignments that lasted more than two weeks.  YMMV.  

Kid may grow out of clothes, shoes etc. and any given weekend, my not have everything he needs at other house.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Kids grow out of clothes on the weekend? You take them shopping. DH only sees SSs EOWE, and even he does that. If OP's SS lives in each home 50/50, then it's on each household to keep up with his growing needs. Not the other parent's responsibility to make sure clothes are provided at both homes.

OP posted that they dis the Sunday exchange and everyone minus BM hated it. SS specifically asked not to do it anymore.

Plus, BM's only reason for wanting Sunday exchanges, and that late at night, was so she and SS could chat about his upcoming week. Which he can do via phone.

And lastly, 90% of my OSS's HS projects have been on computer. They have been papers, Power Point presentations, oral presentations, etc. Even when I was in HS, most of my projects were technologically-driven except for my art classes which I had to take home anyway throughout the week. I lugged a drawing board that was 2.5 ft by 3 ft on the bus multiple times. Kids had those fake babies for their home ec classes that rode the bus, and those suckers had car seats. Sports equipment, project boards, etc were transported daily. It's a pain in the arse for sure, but that's part of being a student in the US.

STaround's picture

The mom wants to minimize stuff going to the school and wants a routine.  I agree with that.   OP can teach her little ones  that the SS goes home while they are in bed.   

tog redux's picture

My SS sometimes came to our house from school, or to BM's from school, and all he had was his book bag and his sports stuff, and he would have had to take that to either house anyway.

We had clothes for him here, and even bought doubles of sports stuff if it was inexpensive, since he was forgetful. On occasion he forgot his uniform at one house or the other, and that parent brought it to him, but he could have easily done that if he only had one home because he would forget his head if it wasn't screwed on tight.

Going to a different home from school is not a big deal, it happens all the time. Your argument is ridiculous. Plenty of EOWE fathers have the kid until Monday morning.

Monkeysee's picture

I love how, yet again, you insist that OP is in the wrong, when everyone - including the SS - has said that Sunday doesn’t work. Literally everyone else involved has an issue with Sunday night drop offs, asides from BM, yet OP is the problem? Mmkay...

tankh21's picture

You are so predictable at attacking stepmoms. Don't have you a life STaround other than being miserable and attacking posters on their blogs!?

tog redux's picture

It is hard to have a BM like this, and it sounds like it triggers in your DH just what it did in mine - the urge to get in a power struggle with her. She's not going to change, and it's really helpful to just KNOW THAT and avoid struggling over stupid ass issues. Your DH has to be the one who give in because he's the sane one, and the only one who can make it easier on your SS by not fighting over every dumb ass control tactic.

People who need control are generally anxious and insecure.

The correct answer here would have been: Great, we'll start the school pick-ups next week.  Then let it go. Don't argue about when he might need an extra bag or whatever - just tell her if it comes up. Perhaps she's worried he will be embarrassed or burdened by schlepping all of his stuff back and forth to and from school, which is a fair concern.




KrissyK's picture

She is just trying to use this nonsense to get her way about something else.  My husband's ex-wife did the same thing and come to find out she was pissed that under the new parenting plan the kids father and I are allowed to pick "HER" kids from school.  She carried on and on and on about how much "stuff" they would have to bring with them and that they needed to be picked up from her house because lugging all that stuff around school would be too much.  Ummm...they never come to our house with more than a backpack anyway.  She just didn't want their dad and especially not me picking them up from school.    

KrissyK's picture

That is a whole other topic in itself, the poor single mom thing lol. But yes, without writing a novel, she was pissed that the school saw dad and me helping out with the kids.  

MommyT's picture

Yes! This has always been her pet peeve that I am allowed per co to pick ss up from school. The only reason the co is that specific is because she was having her hubby pick up ss but wouldn’t DH when they were still doing the whole dinner visit thing. This is why I argue a double standard and get frustrated that things that make the most sense have to be such a freaking fight. Is your life that boring and mundane that you have to fight over everything?

twoviewpoints's picture

Oh, they didn't negotiate so bad. Your side actually 'won' in that exchange is at school. So that was a 'give' on BM's part.

I have to say I totally laughed when I read the part where you stated "why not Sunday afternoons" (for exchange when kid has projects and extras to carry). Why? Well because you wrote an entire blog with excuse after excuse why Sundays do not work for your family....  didn't matter what time on Sunday, it didn't work on Sunday. Now it's Sunday evening in event of projects and you wanna know why not Sunday afternoon. .

Anyway.... the 'bargaining' is almost there. Back to the give and take and the project//extra stuff. It's not going to be a weekly occurrence, it's going to be an occasional happening. It doesn't even mean the kid himself has to change the school exchange.... just basically the project/extra stuff needs to be moved from one home to the other. Depending on which home kid is headed to it simply means Dad or BM has to manage to swing the items over . Can can be 8 am on Sunday morning. 8pm on Sunday evening. H*ll, noon . Or it can be dropped off at opposite parent's home at 6am on exchange day. As long as kid has it for school and doesn't have to drag it around on the bus (which BM seems to object to) that's all that still needs worked out. The items, not the kid. The kid exchange and place is already settled. It's at school. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I interpretted her Sunday afternoon comment as a "why can't you and DH just make exceptions for those rare occurrences versus throwing school pick-up completely out the window over a rare occurrence?" As in, if it were an infrequent occurrence, fine, but it's not a good time on a weekly basis.

MommyT's picture

The funny thing about her suggestion is that ultimately ss would be lugging around these items to school anyways because they are a project for his school. He would still have to get them there. Dumb

STaround's picture

Would be less likely to be lugging sports equipment and projects to school on the same day.  

MommyT's picture

Ss only ever carries a backpack and sports bag which he doesn’t have to carry on a daily basis, only if ss has a game directly after school. Ss has everything he needs at both houses per co. He has never had to take anything extra in the 12 years we have been doing this.

bm’s email was her way of trying to control a situation in which she really has little control. She can’t make DH agree to Sunday night pick ups. Now I mentioned the Sunday afternoons as a one time example. Yes, we are usually busy on Sundays but if something comes up then obviously DH would work with BM on changing the schedule. We do that now.

we also did school pick ups with the old schedule which is why it was frustrating for all of us, ss included as to why BM was fighting so hard for Sunday nights. I agree with many of you that BM was and is trying to control dh’s time, and no DH will not allow that. He is not one to cave in just so BM can get her way and shut up but he will compromise in order to prevent conflict.

i do delete my posts because BM has stalked me in the past. Just glad they came to an agreement (for now). Everything has been documented and dh’s next move if BM pulls the rug out from under him is to go to court which I don’t want for my kids or for my ss. I don’t think BM wants that either because things didn’t go so well for her last time. Time will tell.


p.s. To the people who tell me that I need to get over my kids being upset when their brother leaves or excited when brother comes home after a week, please try it at 8pm (just before bed time) with four tired kids ages six and under then you can judge and add your negative comments.