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Sunflower1's picture

This will be interesting. BM has been attempting to get BF into an one on one counseling session since their daughter 10 began a while back. BF has always rebuffed these attempts and opts to speak to the counselor solo. A couple weeks ago I blogged about BM throwing one of her fits because BF is now having his daughter do chores at our home, nothing over the top, but what kid likes doing chores. This was when she told him he should only be doing fun things with her. She set up a counseling appointment for this afternoon and demanded that BF go with her…BF can’t get off work and told her as much. She has yet to respond to that. I anticipate one of two things: BM will flip out and send multiple texts on how he is a bad father because he can’t make time to see the counselor with BM or she’ll make up whatever she wants to in regards to the appointment and tell BF that’s what the counselor says so he has to do it. She doesn’t know that BF is making a solo appointment to speak with the counselor himself. I know there have been postings in regards to whether or not exes should have counseling or not. BF personally feels that having counseling with BM would be disrespectful to our relationship, because he and BM are not a couple any more. What are your thoughts?


RedWingsFan's picture

I had a similar thing happen when I suggested to DH that we put Stepdevil14 in counseling because she was NOT handling their divorce and our engagement well at all. He talked with BM, BM did not agree and did not want Sd to go. SD said she WANTED to go so BM gave in.

Well, the first appt, the counselor wanted all three of them present. DH was conflicted due to us having just got engaged and SD was still living in fantasy land where her parents were reconciling every time they were in the same vicinity. He opted to go and I hated it, but figured it was only once and the therapist needed them all there for a reason. Plus, BM wouldn't be able to spin anything or lie, since he was right there.

Anyhow, they went to the first appt together and he came home and told me all about it. It was basically just family background, how old SD was when they split, what kinds of promises they made to her regarding their split, how her school work was, how her attitude was, etc. He told me he had no reason to go with BM there again.

SD had several appts with just her and DH, just her and BM, and then the rest where just SD until the therapist suggested *I* join in. We had two group sessions with SD and boy she fought it bad! I found out why. Since her individual sessions had begun, she was lying her ass off for attention and sympathy and making DH and I look like horrible people.

It was all I could do to contain my anger after hearing her lies about me and DH. When the therapist asked her what the main issue preventing her from moving past the divorce was, she said "well, I know no one cheated on the other, so it's just HER standing in the way" - pointing to me.

I lost my shit and walked out. Because guess what? It WAS BM'S CHEATING that ultimately destroyed the marriage and sorry chickie, but I had NOTHING to do with that. I'd only met DH a year after he split with BM.

After that, we pulled her out of therapy since it obviously wasn't doing anything for her. Now BM is taking her back to that same therapist using the increased amount of CS we pay her to cover the session fees. I have no idea what she thinks it's going to accomplish, but whatever. Can't control it.

Sunflower1's picture

Sorry you had to sit through that RW. BF and I are talking about getting married. We are considering doing a group session with his daughter, he and I after we get engaged to try to smooth the road. I would be really hurt if something like that happened. Especially because he and BM have been apart for almost six years. BF and I have been together for a year...I hope pas isn't something we have to look forward to but it seems to be the tool used when the BM's can't control their ex anymore.

RedWingsFan's picture

pas isn't something we have to look forward to but it seems to be the tool used when the BM's can't control their ex anymore.

^^This is exactly the truth. Once BM wasn't able to control what DH did anymore, she started in with that PAS shit and turned SD against him. So, yeah, that's where we are now. It sucks ass because that's his only child and I really want him to have a great relationship with her.

RedWingsFan's picture

Yeah, once I was able to cut thru the bullshit and DH could see for his very own eyes the LIAR his daughter was, I did feel a bit vindicated by the sessions.

SD was stupid enough to tell the therapist that she was ok with sharing their prior session's discussions with DH and I. Had she said NO, I likely never would've been able to uncover the bullshit lies.

Sunflower1's picture

This is what I'm thinking as well. If I'm honest with myself, I know that counseling with the two of them would bother me a bit. If it is for bettering their parenting style then that is something I can swallow. Feelings are irrelevant at that point but I think given her past and other things she has attempted, this is simply a control play.

MotherTrucker's picture

My DH and BM went to SD counciling as a group but NEVER with just BM!

oldone's picture

First of all he needs to stop listening to, reading, etc. any "advice" BM has about his parenting.

Her opinion of him as a father is just that HER opinion. And it sounds like it's something she pulls out when DH does not do what she wants.

He needs to tell her that he does not need her approval to run his life.

The last person on earth that he needs to listen to about his daughter is BM. A neutral third party (or just plain common sense) may identify some changes that he needs to make if any. Now this is not always true but from the sounds of it BM is more interested in trying to control him than in the well being of her child.

Of course he does not need a counseling session with BM. She is his past.

Sunflower1's picture

Thanks Oldone, I agree. BF has been setting boundries and sticking to them. When she throws her fits he ignores her. I think this is just her new game to play.

Sunflower1's picture

Choke, he has met with the counselor on his own before. As stated he will be having another solo conference with her.