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Always a new issue

goldieRet's picture

Things have not improved much with SS. It’s just new issues now.

DH and BM sat down with a Church counselor in our town and laid out some rules. These “rules” are enough to be a whole other blog. But BM has stopped following some of them within a week.

Two rules/agreements were that if SS had a party or event on the weekend he needed to inform both parents so it can arranged for him to go. The other rule was that SS needed to make sure he brings all his school supplies to our house. DH would no longer be driving back and forth. DH already decided to provide SS clothes at our house so he doesn’t need to pack a suitcase. He only has to bring his school things. These rules were explained very, very clearly to SS.

The first weekend after the rules were established, SS said he forgot a textbook that he needed for homework. DH tries to be firm and tells SS that he needs to deal with the consequences. SS immediately calls BM and on speakerphone she says it’s her fault because she moved a bag or something. I don’t even know what the reason was. So of course, DH ends up driving back because he doesn’t want to look like an unreasonable person.

And last weekend, SS had a party to go to on Saturday but forgot to tell DH. Again, DH tried to explain about consequences. And again BM calls him up saying that she was supposed to tell DH and it’s her fault. But this time we already had plans for lunch.

DH decided to enforce the rule because SS did not inform him. All it ended up doing was ruining our Saturday because SS was angry and was snapping when we tried to engage him. There was too much tension at the table to even pretend like we were having fun. DH spent the rest of the day wishing he dropped off SS.

SS has also started completely ignoring the dog and refuses to do any of the assigned tasks each child got related to dog care. None of us even mention the dog around SS because we know he will just leave the room. Even my kids are doing this without anyone telling them to. I can tell DH is getting resentful of the dog, even though it was his idea to get the dog in the first place.

SS now barely talks to DD because he is blocked on her instagram. She is very upset that he is not friendly with her anymore. This makes me the saddest actually.

SS is also ignoring DH’s texts/calls when he is with BM. And he is doing the same to BM when he is with us. DH does not know how to address this.

DH made an appointment with a therapist in BM’s town for tomorrow. Now that we have more information leading up to his attitude change, DH is hopeful the therapist can help better. And BM actually agreed to pay half.

goldieRet's picture

You said it perfectly.

I guess it's hard for DH to not drive to pick up stuff when SS is clearly being told it's not his fault.

DH talked to BM about it and she said she will not do it again. But then she did the same thing with the party.

And I'm with you on the dog. Don't get mt wrong, my kids and I love the dog. Even DH does. But I can feel his resentment towards the dog. And its DH's fault we even got the dog in the first place. He never expected it to be such a problem.

I do feel bad about DD and SS. They used to really get along. Maybe in time they will go back to being friends. I told her SS is trying to work out some issues and she seems to understand.

The communicating part is an issue because he's not even replying about game times and meeting up for dinner. DH is being forced to call BM, which he hates doing.

Thanks for the advice.

bearcub25's picture

Probably the same reason my DSO would end up going to get it.

First, BM would be blowing up DSOs phone bc she doesn't have money for gas, then how if she spends what she has on gas, then she can't pay a bill. Then she starts on the whole 'SS is doing so good. Not giving me a hard time and blah blah blah'.

Then DSO would say, Ok, I'll come and get it. BM would then respond 'I'm at so and so house and I'll let you know when I get home.'

So to avoid his phone blowing up, then him pissed bc BM has gas to run to so and so house, he just goes.

After 11 years, I just chuckle to myself and I say to him out loud...only X amount of months, only X amount of months and you never have to hear from the bitch again.

DSO is one to say at 18, you need to figure shit out and make it on your own.

goldieRet's picture

yes, BM can't drive long distances apparently. So DH has no choice to drive all the way back. But he says he is going to be stricter this time. Let's see how long that lasts.

Acratopotes's picture

Goldie - it sounds like it's going better....

I'm starting with the dog, so what if SS ignores the dog, it's not because of anything, the dog is a year old and not a puppy anymore, now SS is not interested anymore.... so what, your kids love the dog and they do not mind caring for the dog, DH can suck on an egg, the dog is staying. This is how you see who's animal lovers and who not....

SS forgetting things at BM's the rules are clear, no driving around to get anything forgotten. DH should enforce this on his time. SS has his own phone, thus DH can ignore BM's calls and text messages and stick to the plan.
BM is manipulating the situation, she takes blame thus SS is not learning how to be responsible..

DD being sad about SS rudeness, tech your girl a life lesson or two, people act like this, it's not her fault she should not unblock him. She can ignore him as well.... I will explain to DD that SS is pissed off cause now he gets nothing to manipulate and blackmail his father with. Ask her if the house is not more relaxed after she did it, teach her the benefits from this. She will get over it,

SS ignoring the one parent if he's with the other parent... nothing wrong with it, it's actually a positive thing.

goldieRet's picture

DH loves dogs. I actually don't. But the whole situation is making him resentful.

It sad because the dog was supposed to be more for SS and he was asking for one for a long time. DH wanted SS to have a nice Christmas. He did not expect this reaction.

It doesn't feel like an improvement for me. Now DD and SS aren't getting along. DH isn't getting any responses about SS's games or about meeting for dinner.

I told DD that SS is working through some stuff and he'll come around again. She seems to understand.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon... SS is not a animal lover, he want then as babies but as soon as they dog/cat are not a baby anymore he looses interest, he does not want to do the feeding and caring for the animal.

DH is blaming a dog because he's a shit parent and he allows being manipulated by SS... Why did he suddenly got a dog for the house if it was for SS, SS was not living there, what was he thinking.. DH is talking shit now and you can tell him I say so. DH wanted a dog as much as all the kids in that house and DH got a dog.... now SS is manipulating the situation again, bullshit, DH should man up and tell SS... I love dogs and every one loves dogs, in this house it's allowed to have a dog, not with your mother, either you play with it and share with every one or you leave it alone, but the dog is a family dog, decide if you are family or a guest...

SS is winning this and DH is to blind to see... he should simply text SS, Are we on for dinner, movies, please let me know by this time... if SS ignores him DH can simply go ahead with other plans, even if it's with you and your kids..
if SS gets pissy about it DH can honestly say to SS... I did text you, you ignored me this is the consequences for ignoring your father....

but yet DH allows SS to manipulate him and your whole house hold...

goldieRet's picture

SS told DH he is not going to look after the dog because it was our family's dog. I have to be honest and say SS is a very kind boy. He is just a jerk to us.

During summer he did everything for the dog. Now my kids are back and he is acting like this again.

I guess DH thought since SS is practically with us half the time it would be the same thing. Hindsight is 2-/20 as they say. The dog was meant for the family, to be clear. But the breed was picked with SS in mind.

The therapist told DH to still meet up with SS even if he resists. So he is doing that. He is arranging the weekday meetups with BM for now. A lot of different opinions from everyone unfortunately.

Acratopotes's picture

SS refuse to help with the dog cause it's your family dog....
If I was DH I would've said: SS does this mean you are not part of this family? Are you ignoring us as a family?

SS is a jealous little boy, and he's manipulating the issue... Oh poor me ... if DH does not step up now, he will never be able to change it and SS will be a excuse of an adult man, having little mantrums for not getting his way

Stuff the therapist - truly stuff it.... Why should DH fight with BM to see his son, he's son is old enough to have a phone and use it, why can't he do so? DH should really try it and show SS by sitting in a corner eating worms is not going to change the fact that your parents got divorced, either you acknowledge your father or you don't, if you choose not to live with the consequences, no one else is to blame,,,, only you...

I would force him for week end visits, but the driving for a weekday dinner, nope, if he can't respect me enough to answer me I will not go out of my way to beg him...

twoviewpoints's picture

No going back to get forgotten homework. It's SS's responsibility to check his bags. If he'd of 'forgotten' homework at school on Friday, there would be no getting into the school. Treat this in same manner. Kid either texts friends and tries to get help through them or he tries to crash it done Sunday evening. If neither works, tough. Kid forgot homework, kid's teacher gives kid zero, incomplete, late/missing homework.

This kid is thirteen, not five.

SS didn't tell Dad about party as agreed? Doesn't go to party. Kid arrives with bad 'tude ? Leave kid sitting in bedroom and go enjoy your lunch plans.

Again, kid is thirteen, not five.

The kid is punishing his parents with the lack of communication during week/weekends. So what? Why give it attention? Kid is only gone from BM Friday after-school till Sunday evening. No biggie. Kid sees Dad three weekends a month plus one to two dinners out together every week. So at most Dad is going no more than 48hrs being 'punished'. No biggie.

goldieRet's picture

No, I don't think we could leave him behind. It would probably make it worse don't you think? I don't know.

DH has a problem not driving back to get things when BM is on speakerphone telling him its her fault. To him, it feels unfair to punish SS. And SS gets dropped back Monday morning so it's difficult.

The lack of replies from SS is forcing DH to call BM, which is a frustrating experience unfortunately.

Powerfamily's picture

Perhaps then tell BM as it's HER fault then SHE need to bring over the forgotten items or come and collect ss and bring him back after his party. The only way she will stop doing this is when it starts to impact on her life.

Because at the moment SS and BM are doing what they want and the only people being put upon are your SO and your family.