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SD doesn't want to Live with us?!

mommylove's picture

So the first time this thought came into my head was during our first appointment with the counselor when H basically said that he'd promised SD11.8 she could come to live with him when she turned 12, and that if I was not prepared to agree to that then we would be "delaying the envitable" to continue trying to save this marriage!

The first thought that came to my mind is, well I guess we should end things now because I will not be on-board with that. Beyond that though, the 2nd thought was why is he ASSUMING that it will be that easy - he made a promise - everyone else falls in line? I SERIOUSLY DOUBT that BM is aware of this promise - what if BM is NOT on-board?

Then, H has said a few things lately that indicated to me that maybe SD might not be on-board with this idea anymore either. First, H said SD literally CRIED when BM told her she would be spending the summer with us. Now granted BM didn't tell her until H was already there picking her up for what SD apparently thought was just the weekend, AND apparently BM's BM (SD's GM) had given BM money to send SD to basketball camp during the same timing, so H assumed that THIS was why SD was so upset. Now while I agree that this may have been why SD was upset that time, there are other indicators that lead me to believe SD might NOT be on-board with moving in with H full-time anymore.

For starters, something MAJOR has changed since H first made this promise to SD a couple years ago, and that is H is MARRIED now and has baby. When the promise was originally made to SD it would've been just H & SD living together, as SS had already made a last ditch effort to bond with his absent BM and moved across the country to live with her (of course that didn't last very long before she'd put him out, and when he'd eventually worn out his welcome at all of his local friend's family's homes he came back to live with us for his last year of school.) Further, as SD is getting older it appears that BM hasn't bothered to increase her presence in SD's life except as more of a friend (BM is never around much - leaving SD in the care of SD's older sister who is 5 years older), which spells more freedom for SD at her BM's than at H's now that H is married because at our house there are bed-times and expectations of cleaning up after yourself and being supervised with internet access, tv, and phone usage (even though H does not enforce these) whereas at BM's house none of these rules exist because BM is rarely home. On-top of this, I think BM has started to view SD as a "young woman" now and has allowed SD to do things that even H didn't agree to as of late (such as wear make-up, color her hair, etc.), so I think SD probably realizes now that being "Daddy's Little Girl" may be limiting on SD11.8 being the "young woman" she insists she is now because BM encourages that by taking SD to get her hair colored and nails done now which H does NOT do. I also think the fact that H has NOT been spending money doing all the "guilty daddy" FUN things since SD has been with us this summer due to the costs of having to contribute to the expenses for our baby probably impacts this as well. Other than that, SD has lived with her mom full-time since she started elementary school and she's always lived in an apartment complex nearby kids her age who go to her school so that is where all her friends are versus our house that is in the outskirts of a different bordering state where she knows no one.

Finally, the biggest clue I got into the fact that SD might not be on-board with living with Daddy full-time now came lastnight. This is the last week SD was supposed to spend with us this summer and since BM had her last weekend the assumption was that she would be going home Sunday night. However, BM had planned a trip to an amusement park and told SD she would pick her up this morning instead. Okay, H was fine with that. Well, the trip got canceled, but SD still wanted to go home! BM & H agreed that since childcare was already paid for SD for this week and she is no longer going on the trip that she should finish the week with us (I agree that this made the most sense.) However, apparently SD got such an attitude with H after he and BM made this agreement that H said "well I can take you home Friday rather than Sunday if that's what you want?" and SD said "yes, I want to go home Friday."

So, my month long summer guest visit from SD11.8 ends this Friday instead of Sunday. (Although sadly my 1st thought was "now how does this impact the EOW schedule because I'd already made plans for the rest of the summer for some of the weekends SD would not be with us!) And as for the big stink H raised about promising SD she could live with him full-time when she turned 12 - not sure that's even an "issue" now?

Comments

stepsoftly's picture

Oh wow I can see this in my future so much Smile SD is 8 now but FDH has said (as per the court agreement) she can choose to live with one parent fulltime when she is 12. He wants it to be here, of course. I think she'll probably choose either to keep it 50-50 or to go with her mom -- The only thing is she has a baby sister at BM's house which might make her choose us -- Then again I hope to have our own BK by the time she is 12, so she might not like that either. Who knows... I would be OK with having her full time I think, but maybe I won't feel the same at that age :-0 I hope you don't have to take that stand cause it would be a divisive one... Maybe your Sd will just choose her mom.

Most Evil's picture

It is so strange and I know what you are saying about the friends, but I remember our BM saying, when she would 'threaten' to send SD to live with us as a PUNISHMENT! but then would realize CS gravy train would stop, her reason was that SD couldn't leave her friends.

As the years went by she got in so much trouble with these 'friends' and now thankfully they have all disappeared anyway (SD is actually growing up maybe!). So there are friends, and then there are 'friends'.

Trust me I know I had the troublesome kind too who also disappeared. So sometimes it is good to give them a fresh start if they need one IMO. I think it is completely about where SD would have more freedom and be less supervised.

MamaBecky's picture

In my experience it is highly unlikely that your SD would want to live with your H. At her age she wont want to leave her school, her friends the normalcy of her current schedule or lifestyle that she is accustomed to. Unless she is excessively unhappy with her BM and un-popular and miserable she isn't going to want her current living situation to change. Sure if her and her BM get into it she might hold your H's promise over her head...but ultimately she wont want to follow through. A tween and teens priority in life is her social life and gaining as much control in their lives as they can, and as long as she is comfortable in her current home she isnt going to want to change it and if he keeps bringing it up and pushing it and she feels she is not in control and that he is trying to control her feelings she will rebel against the idea even more. We have had these talks with SD13 recently and this is my observations.