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My husband's EX is "CRAZY"

meshel's picture

Thank god I found this site...., My husband & I have been married for 2 years now, and his EX has done everything she can to make life hell for us. At first I was surprised, cause they were over long before I came along. He has 2 children with her, and I have 2 with my EX, and we just had a baby together. His EX is very unstable, she is an alcoholic, and is court ordered to go to AA, and recieve outside counseling for her 'anger issues". My husband got custody of his 13 year old son this summer, so he lives with us,and is now happy & thriving. From the beginning she has harrassed us by e-mail, and phone calls, alot of them became personally directed at me,she even wished death on my baby before he was born in a couple of her "fits". I have a great relationship with my SS & SD, despite what she says & does. They know how much I love them, I love all 5 of "our" children the same. In the beginning I had always shown EX respect,and communication. Now I know deep down that she wants drama and fighting.She is married also and she even "beats" on her current husband.He has had her arrested before and has left a bunch of times, but returns.He also participates in the harrassment,though not to the same extent. I do not understand him at all.....Anyways, My husband & I love eachother very much, and want to move on in a positive direction. Would like some advice on how to do that, even if EX tries to interfear. Meshel


lovin-life's picture

I read in a parenting book a long time ago...that a good way to extinguish bad or attention getting behavoiur in children tantrums for to ignore them, completely. That can be hard to do....and often the behaviour will get worse before it gets better...and you absolutely HAVE to stick to your guns...and don't give in to it..not even once!!

We've used this approach with my SO's x...and it has worked. So my approach is to not engage them and give them the drama & attention they crave...always try to appear calm..matter of fact..and do not engage the BShit! In your case the x has alcohol & violence issues as well as 1st wife related that might make that approach even harder.... Although I have used this same "no time for your BS" approach with my father..whose been attending his AA meetings pretty regulare for the last year or

Anytime he phoned me blabbering and drunk....I would simpy say. Call me when your sober..bye. Eventually he took me off his 'drunken call list' because I was no fun to play with.. I think that's where I learned how to deal with hubby's hateful X.....

I think if you resign yourself to accept that you can't control other people...only your reactions to them...and give the rest up to a higher power...or karma or whatever you choose..... you will find some measure of peace. That helps too....

Good luck Smile

meshel's picture

lovin-life, I know you are right, and with a New Year ahead, I will make this one of my resolutions. And help my husband do the same. It's hard to do sometimes, especially when EX is going through on of her "episodes" I will try not to let her win!! If anything I may be able to "entertain" you'all with some of her antics.

Nymh's picture

BF and BM had been separated long before I ever came along, yet somehow I'm still the source of all her problems, and she still blames me for their relationship demise. How does this make sense? It doesn't. But that doesn't stop her from saying it.

One thing that I've learned recently is that it's better not to talk at all than to respond but try to "take the high road". A lot of times when I tell BM that she's obviously too upset to have a productive conversation and we can resume it when she's calmed down, it just becomes fuel to her flame and she continues to send nasty messages. I've learned that if I don't respond at all, even to tell her that I won't be responding, her anger diffuses much quicker. Sure, she'll send me a message or two about how "immature and childish" I am for not responding to her emails (basically saying she wants me to give in to an argument), but that's usually the extent of it.

Our respective BM's have done a lot of the same things. She's wished death on both me and my BF several times. Every thing that we have somehow becomes ammunition for her to throw at us. Oh, you can buy this new Nintendo but you can't give me any extra money! Stuff like that. Now, she's not a drunk, but she is very likely clinically insane. I just wish that we could get her put in court-ordered counseling so that her true psychotic issues could be brought to the table and dealt with accordingly. As of right now we're having a really hard time with custody issues due to her being the mother and us not being married...somehow her being a psycho who neglects her child is the lesser of two evils...I just hope that eventually we will be able to provide a better environment for SS whether it be primarily at our house or hers.

I think that the best advice that I can give is try to remember that this is all a game to these women. Try to step back and look at her actions on a broad scale, and see them for what they really are - the desperate actions of an angry child lashing out because they can't get what they want. I'm sure you've heard that the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore them. The best way to deal with a child throwing a fit is to remove their audience. This woman is a bully and a child, so the best thing you can do is just not respond to her at all.

I can't stress enough that NO contact is the best contact. Even if you think that she's calm and rational enough to speak to, she's not. I've learned that BM is an expert actress and often will pretend to be sweet and innocent when she really wants to lure me into an argument. Try to remember that with every innocent or seemingly productive message lurks an argument around the corner. Somehow she turns a productive conversation originally about plans for Christmas presents from SS to all of us, to screaming at me about how BF will never get overnight visitation and she's going to try to force supervised visits. She will try to push your buttons, call you immature, threaten you, and do and say whatever she can to get you to respond...just don't do it. One of her biggest motivators for speaking to you is knowing that she has the power to insert herself into your life, and therefore your life with her ex. If you spend all day arguing with her, how can you spend time with him?

But anyways, good luck, and please come to us with any updates, questions or concerns because we're all going through it too! It's so great to have a network of women who are all trying to make things better for everyone and give the best advice that they can from experience.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Exhausted SM's picture

I must say that we have mirrored situations. Especially with the lashing out and luring you into a fight with sweetness. Just recently there was a big blow out with BM and I (SM). It has been an ongoing battle for 7 years now. She also makes treats about visitation and taking us to court and has once but lost big time. We cannot buy something new without her having a jealous rage because we could have increased her CS payment if we had that much money. She is exactly as you said a little child throwing a temper tantrum. I try so hard not to get sucked into the drama but I just get so angry! We are buying a new house that will be ready this summer and I am so afraid we will feel her wrath again. Maybe even wind up in court. I just wish she would leave us alone! After all she cheated on him so obviously she didn't want him anymore. She is remarried with a 5 year old daughter with her new husband, but that hasn't slowed her down one bit. I really need some advice.

Anonymous's picture

Looks like we all have similar situation. Sorry to hear that!

This is my insane story of our dealings with the ex.
My husbands and his ex were only married 3 years with 2 kids now 10 and 12. I came along 3 years later when the kids were 5 and 3.
We have a child together who is 6.
The ex and I became friends, I know I know, I was young and thought that the easy way to deal with her, was to become friends with her!
We remained friends for about 5 years, I am talking "Best Friends"
Going to get are nails done, shopping, talking on the phone for hours about the kids, she would come to me when she needed something from my husband knowing he would give in to me, faster than he would to her.
She was always a Bitch even as a friend, she would joke that I was too nice and how she was going to make me bitchier.
And about a year and a half ago we had a falling out. OMG it has been a living hell ever since!
Nasty voicemails, Texts, She calls me stupid, irresponsible and pretty much any other name you can think of. Bad mouths me to my husband.
Anything we do for the kids now is wrong. We don't pay enough, we don't spend enough time with them, the way we dicipline is wrong, or according to her there is NO dicipline in our house. I am not allowed to buy my step daughter clothes, because the clothes I pick are unacceptable...I could go on and on....
She has gotten physical with me on one occasion.
I have ignored all the calls and texts....I tend to be a passive person.
Deep down I feel that ignoring it, makes me look like I can't hold my own to her. because I haven't responded for over a year to any of her attempt's to harrass me, yet she STILL sends me messages at least once a week!
So should I keep ignoring her or give her a piece of my mind?

Anonymous's picture

Yeah right. I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this!! For 2 1/2 years now my husband and I have been dealing with his psycho. Everything was beautiful with my husband and I in the very beginning (the first 3 weeks) and then his ex finds out he has moved on with his life (broken up for quite a few months now) and she flips out! My husband and I would hang out at his house and out of nowhere she would show up at his house (on 4 different occasions) and expect his to take her back on the spot (with me standing right there!) The sad part is, she lived an hour away. So she would drive for an hour and a half to hours, to and from his house (which at one point was OUR house) just to throw hissy fits, tell him he can't ever see his kids again, all just to get him back. On 4 different occasions i had to deal with this. And then she would call my husband 4 times a day everyday, and when he lost his phone, she felt she had the right to call my phone whenever she wanted to harass me and him. And lets just say that things have finally gotten a little better (now that she finally has a man) it took changing phone numbers, blocking e-mails and even deleting e-mail accounts, but the harassment just doesn't ever stop. She at even one point turned my step-daughters on me, to where i couldn't take it anymore. i was getting hit from both sides. My husband was about to lose his mind. We both felt we were about to lose each other at one point. He would sit there and look at each other and say "I don't want to go through this anymore..." Well like I said after all this time, we finally see SOME breaks in the storm, but the future doesn't seem to clear. You never know what to expect from her.

I love my husband's picture

I totally feel your pain, especially that last part of being hit from all sides, stepkids included and feeling so drained like maybe it's not worth it. It does suck. I know. But I'm resolved to make my marriage always stronger and not let the ex win, i.e. make me quit. GOOD LUCK and hope you continue to find strength and support.

Heather's picture

I am going through this too, my b/f and ex have been divorced for 5 years. They had 2 children together (10 and 6 years of age) and she moved them far away so my poor b/f rarely gets to see them. She is remarried and has a child with her new husband. He is never home, so she calls my b/f and his family constantly. She is disruptive to all of us. She will literally call 5 times in 10 minutes until someone answers. She finally took it too far and ruined a dinner party with my b/f, his parents, and some friends with her obnoxious phone calls. He ended up getting on the phone and blowing up at her, which ruined his evening, as he is very even tempered, but everyone had had enough of her at that point. (I think everyone's eyes started rolling when the phone started blowing up.) If she calls his house and cell and he doesn't answer, she will not leave a message and then she calls his parents to track him down. I have tried to stay out of it as much as I can, but the phone calls had gotten almost unbearable. His mother even confided in me how fed up she is. I hope this situation will put a stop to it. I do want her to be able to call him so that he can be an integral part of the decision making for his children, but it doesn't need to be so persistant! Being a potential 2nd wife/stepmother with a man whose ex is a little crazy is a challenge that you have to be ready to face. I have found some good books on Amazon, and the advice is helping, as my b/f and I are stronger than ever now. Smile

AngelCakes's picture

As wonderful as I can say that my relationship is with my b/f and his 4 yr old son the force that is his ex wife has put such a stain on our relationship! He has been divorced nothing short of 6 months and has been involved in a bloody custody battle exceeding twenty thousand dollars a custody evaluator (we are waiting to see his $7000 opinion that will settle his custody battle) and mediation after mediation for the past three years. This woman is not concerned about the welfare of her son and how badly his father wants to be involved in his life, she has wrapped herself amidst the importance of the all mighty dollar and what she can get from him. My personal opinion is that she is playing a wicked game of cat and mouse. She Wanted nothing to do with him until she saw that he was involved in a loving healthy relationship and now that he has she is trying very hard to win him over again using their son as the tool. She initiated the divorce when their son was 11 months old, getting married in the first place soley to have a baby to replace the one that she aborted from a previous relationship. In her seperation papers she requested that birthdays, christmas' and all other inportant "family holidys" would be spent with the 3 of them! The three of them as a family! Hello! She wanted the divorce, wanted nothing to do with him ever again, but to this day after 3 years and almost 2 of him and I dating she is still refusing to settle the divorce and custody agreement because he does not want to spend time "as a family" for christmas. We have a new baby together which is very obvious she is pissed about and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and this ex has done everything in her power to keep her son from being an active member in our family. Whenever we try to plan a family event on the 3 hours he gets to see his son on thursdays, she makes the effort to always be conveniently going to the same event, and to make sure that she makes her presence known everytime to the point where she has taken pictures of us from across the arena like some secret agent. Fathers day just passed and she still offers to take her son and my b/f for a fathers day outing...forgetting that he has a girlfriend and two other children, and when he said no to her she made sure that their 4 year old son was standing there in tears to know that his dad wanted "nothing to do with them.." When she wants to see him she uses their son as a toy to get his attention. She has no friend other then her sister and she sends my b/f the longest letters about the special needs of their son and how her religious/homeopathic/ sheltered life is what he needs, the boy is 4 and sleeps with a soother with his mom. She treats him like a baby and with us he is a normal little boy. I am hoping to minimize the contact between her and us but feel guilty that their son is going to get hurt... I don't know what to do honestly because I love my family and feel very threatened by her and her ways. My b/f is exhausted in funds from fighting this ongoing custody battle and from his ex's controlling ways and I find that the more she is trying to intrude in our lives the farther apart I am starting to feel from my Family and man that I love with all my heart.

I love my husband's picture

What a relief to find these stories, step back and realize I'm not alone in the 'ex-harassment' department!!! I thought I was going crazy myself with each horrible contact of insults we recieve from my husband's ex. My biggest concern is watching the manipulation of my 12 yo stepdaughter (and drained sad husband). The dreaded emails arrive each end of month, pushing for a $$$ advancement due to some off-wall story of afterschool ceramics, broken teeth, lost glasses, etc. Many times the poor 12yo girl is the one caught delivering the lie since my husband always calls the schools and doctors to confirm the 'false' stories. So how does one intervene in the morality of the child when her mother is no model for money management and prefers to lie and steal??? My husband's past attempts at explicitly looking for the truth has only caused more furious explosions from the ex and makes life more uncomfortable for his daughter. I know he must think its easier paying the ex off sometimes and I worry he hides half the crazy insults just to protect me and to avoid disciplining his daughter for lies. He seems to only see mom as the guilty party- but won't my stepdaughter turn out the same sooner than later? Any advice?

katbarton's picture

hi my name is kat and my husband and i have been married for 2 years now. my husband and his ex have been divorced for ten, however to her she wants him back. although she is engaged to someone else she has a sense of ownership over my husband(or so she thinks). When she is not in control of my husbands life she does everything she can do in her power to gain that control. In April after many little incidents i feel she really crossed over the line. Alison the oldest SC was having issues with her mother over a boy. and becouse the mother all of a sudden decided that the boy was no good she told alison that she would have my husband abd i pulled over the next we came to pick up the kids. so the next day my husband and i picked up the kids as usual and sure enough she had us pulled over. forgot to mention she is a dispatcher and her fiance is a cop in her town. anyways they had us pulled over and issued us 9 tickets the following day the same accord and we were issued 9 more of the same tickets. all of which were invalid. soon later the ex wife had enough of alison and decided that she would come to live with. alison lived with us untill sep when her father and her got into a minor disagreement and alison called the ex wife and the ex wife wanted to pick her up my husband said no becouse of school and that was that or so we thought. the next day after alison got done with school the ex wife picked her up and never brought her home instead brought her to dyfys accusing me the step mom of not providing food for the daughter. alligations were found to be false. since then alison has not been home the ex wife today went and enrolled alison in school at her town even though the custody has not been changed to her. aparently the ex wife told the judge that we were made aware of the court date through her lawyer and that we were not there in court. we were never made aware of this. so becouse we weren't in court she got alison enrolled in school. my husband and i are struggling to keep it together however with her eratick behavior we are finding things to be so tough. if someone can help me with advice pleaseplease give me what you got i need all i can get right now. im afraid that she is going to win this one and that i am going to lose my husband. he has already told me to go away for a few years and that hes not divorcing me however just go away from all this and come back in a few years and things will be different. im so scared please there has to be someone out there that can help thank you so for allowing me to vent thank you love kat

someone in need of help's picture

I have been sat here reading all your stories and its so nice to know i am not alone and i would really appreciate your thoughts on my situation.

My partner and i have been friends for many years and go together just over 2 years ago, he had split with his ex quite recently and we just went out for company. At the same time it also came out that she had been seeing someone which was great - looked like everyone was moving on!

She never wanted the kids to meet me and was determined to make sure they hated me, and with this in mind i was petrified! however i get on well with them particulary the 14 year old, the 9 year old is very much like her mother and wants to know everything like how much we spend on things and where we have been etc, i just get the feeling she is reporting back to her mother.

My partner pays the mortgage on his ex house, this cost of twice what he is supposed to pay with regards to child maintenance and the other half is obviously his half towards the mortgage as he still jointly owns the home! She is always abusive stating that he never pays anything towards the kids and sends them round with lists of things they need and makes out to the kids that there dad doesn't care and doesn't pay anything.

They come over once during the week and one day at the weekend, sometimes over night, there is the odd occaision that we may need the change the night during the week or change the day at thr weekend and she will not allow it, she says that if we can't make that date then we have lost out and she tells the kids that there dad doesn't care about them and has dropped them again!

He obviously tells the kids the situation that something has come up and he loves them very much etc but i can't get my head round why she is still so nasty when she has someone else and the kids are happy! She is often not there when we drop the kids home and she makes them get there own dinner which is usually something on toast! and when she does cook its always something and chips, they don't get given salad or vegetables and she makes out he is the bad parent!

It was agreed that shold she live with someone for a certain period of time by partner could sell the property, well that time has come and he has offered it to her and her partner who we know lives there as the kids have said so have the neighbours and she has denied it making it impossible for us to get anywhere with it. So we now have to struggle with out own bills etc and pay her mortgage, now we know we have to pay towards the kids but they do not get it and she pleeds poverty to everyone when her new partner works full time and lives there so how can they be poor, particulary when the kids come over with new clothes etc all the time!

It just drives me crazy, i make my partner either not reply to her messages or reply in a pleasant way as i feel that may difuse an argument she is trying to start.

Please help if you have any advice you can give on this as i am now starting to struggle with the situation!

Thanks so much

dennyg's picture

My partner's ex is completely crazy I really feel sorry for the poor 5 year old girl that is being put through all this and just misses her Daddy, she not only blames me for them not getting back together(we got together when they were already split) now that he has come out with our relationship and is living with me she has stopped all visitations with his daughter because she doesn't like me and is claiming that I yell at my own children and that she doesn't want her child around me,he is really hurt I worry if our relationship can handle all the drama. We both are so happy in our own relationship and feel we finally found what we both have always been looking for I am just not sure if I can deal with the crazy ex who lies and makes his life a living hell with no regards to her own child well being.I just hope it gets better as time goes on!!

Noonespecial's picture

Oh my gosh...that sounds just like my husband's ex wife. I have no idea what to do with our situation either. It has been three years of this with her. She is so pathetic..and lies about EVERYTHING...she uses the kids as pawns in her game that won't end. I've had to change my cell number because she would call private and hang up about 10 times a day...she visits my myspace page about 20 times a day..sends me blank's nuts. She makes up stories and tells the kids things that my husband and I have done to her, all of which are false. It starts to wear on you after awhile but something I tell people that are dealing with this is this...Just because my husband has children from his previous marriage, doesn't mean they are going to dictate our relationship. He loves them more than life, but is also his own person starting a new life. It seems to me, you and your husband have done the same thing. As far as him missing his girl, trust me, I know exactly what your going through, it hurts and sucks, but that is the one thing the ex knows she can hold over his head. Our ex wife, that's what we call her, will have the children pull at his heart strings because she knows it will get to him. The only problemm with that is, after so long of being harassed, it no longer bothers him. He has nothing to do with her...if the kids need something he speaks with them, NOT HER...he reminds her that his life is no longer her business. She blew the opportunity for her children to have a relationship with the both of them as friends. He doesn't deserve that abuse and neither does any other man dealing with this situation. Unfortunately a codependent woman that isn't over it, will never stop until she gets the answers she wants. Unfortunately that answer will never come, so she will continue to push and push. As simple as it sounds, ignore her. She is a child on the playground that is lonely and looking for attention, don't give it to her. I'm not a psychiatrist but I do know when someone is just plain lonely. It looks like a desperate attempt to get our man, but it's not. It's an attempt to make us miserable in our relationship because she's so lonely and unhappy. Don't give her that either. If she calls and starts something, she hopes that the two of you are going to argue once she hangs up. That's her lifelong goal now. To make your relationship hostile...don't give her that power. I know that it's so hard to stick around, but she's winning if you leave. If you're happier than you've ever been, you will prevail. Just stick with it and work together as a team and you'll see how fast you forget about her harassment and how you laugh each time she tries to divide your team. I know that it's hard for your husband not seeing his daughter, but as long as he keeps reinforcing his love for her daily, eventually she'll see how much he loves her and that you have nothing to do with it. Trust me, my husband is my best friend in the entire world and no one can come between us, regardless of children or not...something everyone should live by:)

Hello, i have been ingaged for year to the man i have been dating for 6years. let me start out by saying i was going through a divorce and he and his wife were on the outs, BOTH told me the had a 10-12 year agreement, he would supply a home life for her ifshe gave him 2 children. this happened and after 14years they NEVER drove in the same car or even slept together. she wasnt home when he was and he wasnt home whenshe was. i finally gave him a choice stay living the way he was and not be with me or stop and us start out together. when she found out i said this she was NOT mad it was her hubby, it was all about her finace security. she told me she didnt care if i was with him just dont take him or she would have her comfort. well as you can see it didnt work her way or at least all her way. he moved out and in with me. she started to lose the house and 10 acers. we took over the property and kept it. she started dating and got marriwd for a 4th time.the problem she is invited to EVERYTHING we have along with her new hubby. understand keeping things kosher for the kids,however, one is going to the military and one is 14. it isnt like they dont understand what is going on. i can understand a wedding, birth of a grandchild, er reasons, school functions, but not picnics, or when his old navy buddies come in. her new hubby invites him over to hang out and have a beer or hunt. yes, i have gone a few times. i dont feel comfortable, they are not my type of people, the like to drink a lot, get abnoxious and loud. she answers questions people ask me about her ex. he tells me since they settled out of court and divorced civil set on 600 a month child support pays for any extra the child wants that he wants her new hubby to understand he is still the father and supports the child not the new hubby. trust me i understand making it easy for the kids. i dontlike having her at everything and have tried to explain this only to fight or not be told she and her new hubby will be showing up. i dont speak to them and if i have to i answer short. my to be hubbies family cant believe he does this. he suggested we go to paris island to see his son graduate from bootcamp this summer and spend a few days at the beach. i find out in open conversation that his daughter wants to know how we will all fit in the jeep. when i said he and i in the front and his daughter and my two in the back, she wanted to know where her mom was going to sit. NO!this is tooo much. i dont want her going with us, in our jeep, following us down or staying with us or near us on vacation. im going nuts. any insight please help. i need help onhow to talk about this with tack and not get heated so he builds a wall and walks away. i feel as my feelings are not considered at all.