I really thought we made it...... :(
I have just had the "rug pulled out from under me". I have posted on here how my husband & I have custody of SS, and that his EX is crazy. Well BM has gone beyond that now. I got a letter from my lawyer today that nearly killed me. BM & her husband, my husband & I were assined a parenting coordinator after we got custody of SS, because the fighting between BM & my husband was so bad, they would harrass us, we would get angry back,etc... So I figure, well now we got a "babysitter" to keep things at bay. Well our coordinator ended up causing more drama,if that was even possible, and "she"(maybe cause she is a woman) seemed to be very biased in her opinions. She scolds my husband for what he does for a living(he's a sous chef) and says he can't be a responsible parent cause of the hours he works(nights,&weekends) he's home during the day. And is home everynight after working, so he can be "up" with us.She ignores the fact that BM is a screaming,cussing,alcoholic loon, who mentaly & physically hurts her kids. She apparently also feels that the kids should not spend "most of their time with me, SM", and I know that comes from BM.Being only the SM , I really get the shaft.I'm taking care of SS full time because she's not "fit" to handel it. And SD is living w/ her still and in this letter I recieved today SD has stated to parenting coordinator that she does not want to be "left w/ SM" all the time, and only wants to be here when "dad" is home.WTF??? I have been doing everything possible for my SD, and she has always been very nice w/ me. She even tells me things that she cannot discuss w/ BM. Like if she does bad on a test at school, stuff like that.And I always try to encorage her to talk to her mom, and not hide things,etc. As a SM, I am getting tired of being discounted when it comes to the kids. When BM,has something to do, it's ok if SD is with me, then the wind blows the wrong way, and it's not ok anymore?? And SD would rather be at home w/ BM when "dad" is not here 100% of the visitation time(forgetting that her brother is here,and the kids are supposed to also have time together)This deeply upset me. Then I got to the end of the parenting coordinators report on this situation, she recommends that my husband should not continue to have custody of SS, cause of his work hours,WTF again!!!!!!Then she discharges herself from the case. So she "buddied-up" w/BM, bought her SOB story(BM can tell good ones), and is now trying to F-up everything we fought so hard for.And apparently I don't count for anything, yet my whole life revolves around this.I'm very hurt,and worried whats to come of this. My husband of course is very upset, & angered by this. I cannot handel another war w/ BM. I have a new baby and my other children to think of as well. BM does not even really want SS back, but I know she wants the $$ she would be getting again in CS. payments.I read this letter and I just feel like crying, I love my skids,but, I want to tell BM, to take her kids and be a real mother that she claims to be and stay out of my life. Also it says from BM, that I am the reason for her problems in her "relationship"with my husband,yeah RIGHT. They were ready to kill eachother before we even met. Little does she know that she would not even be breathing right now if it was not for me. I have taught my husband not to give in to his anger when BM wants him to, and to back off and take a better approach.I just don't know what to do anymore.I can't handel this.......... Meshel
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Unbelievable
I really don't know what to say.I can't offer advice because I have never been in this situation.I just hope things get better for you.Remember not to give up on the skids because it isn't them it is BM.Take care.
Lacey
Hmmm...
This was a court appointed coordinator right? I'd be speaking to a VERY good attorney and seeing what your options are. Perhaps you can have another coordinator referred/appointed on the bases that the findings were unbiased? It just seems like there has to be some sort of options. I never had to deal with a coordinator, but I thought that they were only responsible for the communication between the to parents? So, I guess I'm still a little confused.
Was this letter an official court documented letter?
RE:
Yes, this was court documented, it's a "Parent Coordination Report", with her findings and recommendations. My husband called our lawyer to set up an appointment with him.This is like a rollar coaster that never stops. She recommends that the court reconsider letting my husband have primary residential custody of SS. I don't believe it is her place to make such a statement either. Meshel
It's only an opinion...
...and I would hope you are entitled to a second one. Can your attorney file a rebuttal to the report and maybe request a new coordinator? Have you considered contacting your local govts. department of health and human services to request an unbiased evaluation of your household? When my husband adopted my son, we had to pay for DHS to send out a social worker for one brief meeting and two long, involved evaluation sessions to determine if he was a fit parent and could provide an adequate home for my son. It cost us around $300 and was totally unnecessary in our case, since he was already my son's stepfather and would be living in the same house, regardless of whether the adoption went through. But anyway, maybe contracting to have your own evaluation done could provide some evidence to help you out. Just a thought! I wish you lots of luck with this. I know how hard it is to do battle with an ex while trying to care for a couple of little ones. It's no picnic.
~ Anne ~
Keep your chin up....
this is certainly heartbreaking, but it's not the judge's orders just yet. Ask your attorney to see if you can get another coordinator.
I remember ours, he was actually related to bm's attorney, and ours advised us of that prior to the meeting. The thing that kept us going with his is our attorney said he is a huge advocate for fathers.
Another thing you should remember, is that judge's really do not like taking kids out of the homes they are living in. They will hear the argument, but from my experience, they feel that changing the childs living arrangements is more detrimental to the child, than leaving them in a bad situation (that is why we could never get custody, when bm was clearly unstable). Not saying your situation is bad, I'm saying that it is highly unlikely (from my experience) that a judge will take ss out of your home and return him to bm.
On another point, your sd probably made those statements only to please her mother. I know it hurts, but this poor kid is waving through adult bs and the only way she knows how to keep herself out of the mess, is by just saying what her mother wants her to say, and that way she keeps her mother off her back. It probably is not nearly 1/100th of a percent of the truth of how your sd really feels, she is getting adult pressure, and this is the only way she knows how to respond.
A few years ago, I was the person providing on the mothering for my ss, and then I learned he was talking trash about me behind my back to my in-laws. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and I was truly hurt by the comments he made, and I couldn't understand why this child would make such lies about me. I felt just like you did, used. While his mother was living it up at the bars 5 nights a week, I was the one at home reading to her son and putting him to bed, I was the one teaching him how to brush his teeth (while they were rotting in his mouth), I was the one to make sure we had a schedule (bm never has a schedule about anything). And I simply could not understand why this little boy would flat out make rude and hateful comments about me...
My therapists told me this.."the only reason your ss talks any trash about you is b/c he knows people want to hear it. He is earning bonus points from these people by talking trash about you, and they are paying him off by buying him big ticket items for doing so. You should honestly feel sorry for ss b/c he is being used by adults to hurt you. These adults are using a child as a pawn to hurt you."
I have to remind myself of this advice my therapist gave me, and when I do so, it rejuvenates my energy to continue being a good role model for my ss (even though I feel he doesn't appreciate me and my efforts).
So for your sd, please just know that he is probably getting a lot of pressure to make these comments, when deep down inside, she is longing to be with you, or even wishes that her mother was more like you...