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Inspired by zerostepdrama's blog

Mercury's picture

This blog really resonated with me and I've been mulling it over all day. Thank you zero for posting this and thank you to everyone who commented in it. There is a wealth of wisdom in those pages.

So here is my follow through:

My problem is not so much a high conflict BM but how I choose to respond to that conflict. I have always known this but I've had a really tough time pulling myself out of the self pity (or the blame game as sueu2 accurately called it.) Instead of recognizing that I fell into a mind trap and looking for a way to escape, I sat there fortifying the walls and burying myself in it even deeper with every "bm did this or that" post I've ever made in this forum.

I am not a victim. These are not things that just "happen to me". I'm starting to implement changes. Today. With baby steps.

Step 1 is to get DH to help me out with this problem. He shows me all of BM's emails and tells me about all of their interactions. I asked him to stop. I'm a "doer" and a "fixer" but those are his problems. I cannot hear about all the minutiae all the time. Here is how I approached him:

Warning: it's a bit crass, please forgive that because I think the shock value caught his attention and drove my point home with him.

Me: Do you ever get really bad diarrhea, DH?
DH: uhhhh. Yeah. Why would you ask that?!?
Me: Well, you never tell me about it. You never take me into the bathroom and show me the full toilet bowl or tell me just how many sheets of t.p. it took to get yourself cleaned up.
DH: :jawdrop:
Me: Yeah, you only say something vague like "my stomach hurts" but I never really get a full report on it.
DH: What is wrong with you, woman?!?

Me: Can you please treat your emails and interactions with BM the same way? Please? I can't handle seeing the details...I want to fix it. I can't handle seeing her insult you....I want to defend you. Can you please be as discrete about THAT mess as you are with your diarrhea?

DH: lmfao! I'm sorry, love. I will definitely try. Nice analogy too. Her words have always come out like diarrhea of the mouth.

*kiss* the end.

We'll see how this goes.


MommyNotMommy's picture

GREAT analogy. Keeps it light, doesn't put him on the defensive, gets your point across. Good luck to you! I wish you much happiness.

Teas83's picture

Love it!

I've asked my husband to stop showing me or telling me about emails from BM. It works really well. He told me about a few recently, but they were fairly mild.

zerostepdrama's picture

Awwww thanks Smile I'm glad it helped! And I LOVE the analogy.

I so agree its all about how you chose to communicate, deal with it, etc.

Outside of step life, I have had some real family issues. They would CONSUME me. Very sad stuff. Over time, I was like Okay I need to learn to deal with this differently. I need to respond differently. Communicate differently.

The situation or problems may not change or may still be there, but how I let them affect me is my choice.

Stay strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I feel better after reading this tonight. I even hugged a Skid today. Imagine! Biggrin

~ Moon