"Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Welcome to my world.... It's a happy place!

Not there yet. I have been working through so much over the past few months to try and make myself happy. I never knew it would be this hard. I'm trying to refocus my energy on myself, my son, and my relationship and not so much on BM and the "what if's". I am so paranoid that something terrible is going to happen like SD goes home says some ridiculious thing to BM and BM calls CPS and I have my son taken away from me. SD is 3 and makes up stuff all the time. She has already told BM that I slapped her in the face. Bm is nice right now but I know at any second shit can hit the fan. I always have my gaurd up in regards to SD and BM.

It's been difficult to get over stuff and move on from the things BM has said and done. One day at a time though! This weekend, I'm going to take my son and go do something. I haven't been anble to send a lot of one on one time with him! can't wait!

I'd like to address the things you listed because I think they are very important and you are spot on.

>>Quit obesessing so much over BM.<<

HOW? Seriously. Someone please, please, please tell me how. I know I need to work on this but I don't know how. This woman causes drama weekly but sometimes we get lucky and it's only EOW drama. Even when she's not directly stirring up shit, she pops into my consciousness uninvited and unwanted...for example, DH lost some work time this month and is therefore extremely short on cash. If we had a normal freaking relationship, I wouldn't have worried at all. I would have just told him "ok, sorry baby, but don't worry about it, we are cutting back on xyx and I have enough to carry us through." But Noooooo! The first thought I had was "Oh holy crap! What if he doesn't have enough to cover CS? I'm NOT supporting his stupid ex. What if this goes on longer than a month?!?". I feel like she is always there and at any time she can just pop up out of nowhere and stir up trouble. I want her out of my head more than anything but she is so high conflict and when you couple that with her complete financial dependence on MY husband, I just don't know how to let it go.

>>Quit obesessing over every little thing wrong that the skids do. Kids really are just kids and they ALL (even your bio SM) is going to do really stupid things.<<

I learned this the hard way. I resented the kids' presence in my life so much more than I ever thought I would in the beginning. When focused on their every move, I tended to just blow everything way out of proportion. I have learned to let a lot of stupid kid crap go.

>>Quit focusing so much on the negative of your skid. Oh they dont have any positive? Well okay that is fine, but quit focusing on the bad stuff. Just dont worry about them at all.<<

Again, this is wonderful advise. I realized a few months ago that if DH and I ever talked about his daughter, I had nothing but negative things to say about her. All this did was put him on the defense with me. I try really hard to just say nothing these days and it's made a huge difference in our relationship. He sees her shortcomings and that's good enough for me. He's not as intolerant as I am but that's ok, at least he sees her for what she is.

>>Who cares what BM or SD or SS or MIL put on social media. If it makes you unhappy- BLOCK THEM, UNFRIEND THEM, UNFOLLOW THEM- whatever it is- just stop.<<

I have everyone blocked and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Love your post Zerostepdrama! It took me a few years to figure out that I’m in control of my own happiness. I would obsess over the stupidest things, like BM, what the skids were doing, why they were acting up (reality check: they are kids and will act up), what does this person thinks or that person thinks. My main problem was figuring out how to deal with BM and the stress from the drama she LOVES to cause. But here’s my secret to living a happy step-life, I laugh. Yup! Instead of stressing myself over the BM drama I laugh at her sorry ass. I laugh about the crap she does. I laugh that she’s a narcissistic shit bag that cheats on every man she’s been though, and is the WORST role model for her own daughter. I finally got DH to laugh it off too because there’s nothing we can do about it. When it comes to the skids, when they act up and do stupid teen crap, I just blow it off and say “It’s BM’s problem”. Their behavior is all on her. DH is finally coming to the realization that he just needs to stop trying to get BM to enforce agreed upon punishments when one of the skids are being bad, because she won’t enforce it. He plans to just do what he can when he has the kids.

So my advice is to laugh your butt off at BM or misbehaving skids (not actually in their face but when you’re alone).

This is a good post. I just want to get back to my happily ever after place in my mind with DH (pre-2012MSD train wreck into our life).

I don't even recognize who I am anymore.... I just want to get back to being me.

Choosing to be happy and not think about them is a start each day.

I have nothing to add - I just love this post!

My therapist used to say the same thing to me. I used to work really hard trying to change and improve everything and everyone that had any impact on my life, but I've come to realize that I can't. In general, I like a good amount of control over my environment but these past three years with DH has thrown everything upside down. It's been too stressful on me and it makes me sick. There are things that have happened and still happen that are beyond my control: what the skids say, the fact that BM never picks or drops the skids off at the scheduled times, the fact that BM can't follow the CS, the fact that BM really doesn't even want her kids every other weekend but can't admit it to herself or anyone else, and (sigh) the fact that DH coddles the kids and tries to be friendly with BM.

The way I've dealt with it is to no longer envision and create a life that I wanted but to accept the life that I have. There have been too many arguments and I'm tired, so I've stopped caring. The kids will never eat home-cooked meals at dinnertime, so I've stopped trying to cook a family meal. Everyone makes their own sandwich or DH makes the kids a salad (he wants them to control their weight). It's been less stressful and I still make myself a meal that I'd want to eat. I rarely pick up the kids or take them to their numerous doctors' appointments - I leave that to DH. I avoid my own home at times, so I don't have to deal with talk about BM and the drama in her life. I leave the kids' hygiene to DH as well - if a child is smelly, I ignore it and just keep my distance. I don't check homework and I don't care how many snacks they eat before dinner. I prefer when the kids are out with their friends than in the house. DH pays for all outings with the kids. I go to my bedroom an hour before I go to sleep, so I get that time to myself. These are some of the ways I keep myself sane in my household.