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Why doesn’t he side with me EVER!!??

mamafaith28's picture

Lately it has been tough. I’ve been with my BF for 9 years. We have had a rocky relationship. 

As of late, I have notice my BF siding with my SD14, constantly. When it comes to chores, he never thinks I am fair. I rotate after dinner dishes, sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, etc. Each day, they all have a different job. Once it’s done, it’s done. However, on any of her days, regardless of what her chore is, she complains, and I often end up doing it. She will throw a fit and he will side with her. If it’s my children doing their jobs, he gives them extra and often makes them do his daughter’s chores when I am gone. She also tattles about everything, if one of the kids are listening to music at the same time as she is, in separate rooms. He will ask mine to turn theirs down or off, so that she can hear hers. If his daughter loses her phone for back talking, even if she only loses it for a few hours, he will take my daughter’s phone for no reason. My children don’t want to be around him if I’m not there, because they feel that they are treated unfairly. I e talked to him about it, yet he sees no problem doing what he is doing. When she talks back to me, he doesn’t jump in until I take her phone(which I solely pay for) but won’t jump in when she is being disrespectful, however he is quick to jump in when my own daughter and I are having a banter. 

Mist gotten to the point where I am tempted to save enough money to move out. I’m over it. I want to make this work but this has been going on for a few years now (ever since her mom came back in the picture, she had lost all rights to all of her children for over 4 years). Now it’s worse than ever. HELP!!

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

No way I would let my children be treated like that. Nope. Save up, move out. You are damaging your children by allowing him to treat them like that. 

ESMOD's picture

You aren't being fair to your children...your relationship sounds bad for you too. I would leave too

theoldredhen's picture

Hey Mama,

Injustice produces a hotbed of resentment in a family, regardless of whether it involves either biological or stepchildren. It’s possible that your DH is unaware of what he’s doing, by excusing his daughter at the expense of his stepchildren.

The best remedy for this muddle is to have you and your DH engage in therapy. I strongly suggest that you interview the potential therapist before your appointment, to ensure that you find someone who is knowledgeable in the dynamics of blended families.

Before throwing the marriage away, it’s best to explore any and all available alternatives. Misunderstandings and lack of communication are the basis of many unnecessary divorces.

KittyKatMomma's picture

I want to say stop.

Stop doing for her-stop parenting her or whatever it is.

Act as if she doesn't exist-YOU parent YOUR kids and he can do whatever with his.

And tell him he's NOT to parent your children since he can't even handle his daugher.

 

DH and I went through this-he has 2-I have DD14.

When it comes to all 3-it was my daughter got the worst from him-then SD17 then SS11 IF AT ALL.

All 3 kids could be doing the same offense and my daughter got the wost with SS barely being repriminded.

 

I put my foot down, He is NOT to parent or correct my daughter in any fashion. Nor do I handle his children-I simply send them to their father for him to handle. Believe me it took some time-but he's on board-its been this way for over 2 yrs now and looking back he admitted to being harder on the girls simply because they're not "his kids" (SS is his only bio child)

And how SS needs to be coddled because he's the baby. Thankfully he's realized the error of his way.

 

Consider this before you up and leave.

mamafaith28's picture

its definitely stressful. When I speak with him about it, he usually stops, but then it starts back up again. I know he won’t do any therapy or counseling, but allowing only myself to parent my children and visa versa, it may work. It gets exhausting. 

The truth is that his daughter sees that he will always side with her. One day she called me a stupid idiot because I told her to deal with a small problem with her half sister on her own and to try to figure it out. She had told me to just wait until her dad gets home because she would tell on me and he will take care of it. She has also stated that her dad will do whatever she tells him to do. Remember, she is a 14. 

I demanded my 14 yr old get a job a few hours of the week. She has gotten one. She is very responsible and pays $25 a month for her phone, and is also paying 25% of driver’s training. I am trying to teach them all responsibility, as I will not always be here. Financially we could pay for everything, but I want them to understand how money works. His daughter will not get a job and I dont trust her to babysit her half sister, because she isn’t mature enough and acts out in anger towards the other kids. She states that dad will pay for everything for her. I worry that she will end up not being able to take care of herself when she gets older. She even asks her dad, when you see samples at a grocery store, to get it for her because she doesn’t want to. 

It’s extremely frustrating! I want her to flourish, to be mature, and to act more responsibility and he enables her the whole way through!

KittyKatMomma's picture

I wouldn't put anything past her. She may even physically harm herself and blame you.

Set up cameras and avoid her at all costs.

 

I think this situation can be fixed-however it will require dumbass dad to do his part.

 

Does anybody outside of the home see this behavior? Like Grandma or aunties/uncles that can speak up for you when it comes to Princess-Ass?

mamafaith28's picture

Some of the family has noticed the behavior from time to time. It wasn’t always like this. Since her BM became involved again, after most of her life being absent, is when it got worse. Her BM bad mouths me to the child and I know she wants to side with her mom. 

He also doesn’t act like this with my other SD11, whom lives with her mom primarily(different mama). 

When she behaves this way in front of him, he looks the other way, it isn’t until I take her phone, does he step in with comments. I have always defended my kids when he is wrong or when his daughter is wrong, but I shouldn always have to. 

Siemprematahari's picture

For the life of me I don't understand how these kids curse at an adult. Growing up that was an offense of the worse kind and we would pay dearly for it if we were crazy enough to do it. My children have never spoken to me or any adult (that I'm aware of) this way and it has to be made clear that this is no way to communicate with an adult or people period. Your SD is an entitled little brat and when it comes to her I'd wash my hands with anything that pertains to her. I'd seek counseling first with your H, if he refuses than you know where you stand. I can't imagine you and your children being subjected to this BS for the rest of your marriage. Your children will resent you for staying and you are showing them that its ok to live this way. Really consider your options and do what is best for you & yours.

theoldredhen's picture

Yes, Siemprematahari,

~ For the life of me I don't understand how these kids curse at an adult. Growing up that was an offense of the worse kind and we would pay dearly for it if we were crazy enough to do it.~

In a moment of madness, at age 13, I called my mother a "Bitch!" She was sweeping the den floor at the time and, with the broom handle, struck me soundly across the back of my head. The last sounds I recalled, as I sunk to the floor, were my older sister shrieking, "Mummy, you've killed her!", and my mother responding, "Good!"

I never doubted, for a moment, that I deserved to be knocked out cold for my insanity. The first thing that I did, upon regaining consciousness, was to apologize. Nowadays, a brat stepping beyond the pale would most likely phone CPS and have Mummy arrested! 

Scratch one-s head

KittyKatMomma's picture

A few years ago I was coming home from an out of state wedding-I had my aunt with me.

 

She's a rather large female-known to make men cower-she takes no shit from anybody-and will give her honest opinion.

We walked into the house just in time for SD17 who was 14 at the time calling her father MANY colorful names-and DH just sat there and took it......I never saw my aunt move so fast in my life to grip that girl up and give her what for,

 

My aunt did not physically harm my SD-but SD was crying to go home when Auntie was done with her-because nobody ever told this child off with the exception of myself and a few people.

Then Auntie turned around and gave DH the same treatment-for allowing his 14yr old to treat him like that-to stand up and be a father and correct her when she does wrong.

 

Every time Auntie comes to visit-SD refuses to come around. But she also watches her mouth around me and her father.

 

Some parents just don't want the fight to reprimand their precious for saying bad words.