You are here

BM’s back to school shopping spree

SierraV's picture

My SO pays half of the big expenses for his 7 y.o. daughter so BM uses it as an excuse to go on these spending sprees. But there’s no way my SO can afford it with everything else. I watch every penny but BM doesn’t have to since she only has to pay half and she wastes so much money then complains SO doesn't pay enough.

SO got the bill for his daughter’s back to school stuff. She’s going into 2nd grade, so she already has a lot of stuff. But BM goes ahead and buys her new things anyways.

BM bought a new backpack even though I know she has a perfectly good backpack that she brings over here. It’s 16.99 divided in half, but still that adds up and it’s something that she didn’t need to buy. BM took her clothes shopping at Macys. What the hell does a 7 year old need jeans that cost $21.99 for?

I’ve been going around to yard sales and thrift stores getting clothes for my baby but SD gets $22 jeans she won’t wear now because it’s hot and she’ll grow out of in a few months. SO can’t help out financially with our child because he’s in debt paying for his daughter.

If SO and BM were still together, he’d shoot down this overspending but now he’s an open checkbook. This has got to stop. Financially we’re never going to get anywhere when he’s constantly buy stuff for his daughter she doesn’t need and if she’s used to shopping sprees at Macys at 7, what is she going to be like at 13? She's gonna be such a diva.

I’m tempted to get a bunch of yard sale clothes a few sizes bigger and next year give SD a box of clothes and send BM a bill for half of it.

What do other people do? Does the dad have any say in what BM spends? Can he tell her he doesn’t agree with buying this junk?

SO doesn’t mind paying for things his daughter needs but BM wastes so much money it’s like throwing his hard earned.


Jsmom's picture

Does he pay CS? If so, that is all he has to pay....Otherwise, I would tell her to buy something and you will buy somethings. Split it in half. Buy yours on sale...

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

A backpack and a pair of jeans are not big expenses so why would he pay half of that? He pays child support and support is for food, shelter and clothing.

We pay for 100% of everything for my stepkids because they live with us and their "mom" is a loser deadbeat. There werer definitely times I was mad about it, but they are my husband's kids so I would expect him to care for them the same he cares for ours.

Why doesn;t he just tell her he is not giving her any more money for clothes?

PeanutandSons's picture

You and your Dh need to decide on a budget for the things you want to help out with , and then tell bm what your limit is.

To me, big purchases are glasses, braces, if she breaks her leg. Not backpacks and jeans.

He needs to tell bm exactly what he's willing to pay for, and she needs to tell him ahead of time if she expects him to pay half.
If she doesn't ask ahead of time, his answer should be no.

Hey ex, I am taking our daughter school shoping, will you pay half

Sure, I will contribute up to $XX for my half. Or. No, I feel that is covered by the child support I pay.

3familiesIn1's picture

I refuse to let DH pay for things to BM. If the skids need something, tell us what it is and we will pay for it but WE will go make the purchase.

In your case, I would take half the list and provide the list items - not cash for the list items. That way you control the spending on the items of your choice.

We did this with BM a few times - she got really pissy because she wanted to take the skids herself on DH's dollar. We told her no - we would take them for the items we will provide them and she can take them for the items she is providing for them.

No shopping on our dollar.

It worked great. BM can't bitch, the skids have what they needed. If she wants to get them fancy overpriced things - that is fine, on her own dollar not ours.

herewegoagain's picture

Split your finances, make him pay his 1/2, let him do whatever he wants with his extra, if he doesn't have money for gas or something else, too bad...OR

anytime he spends X on his kid, you go and take the same amount from your joint account and put it in a separate account for your bio as savings.

PS - I did #1 above and he stopped when he didn't have a pot to piss in and I continued to lead my life without including him, which included new clothing JUST for me, going to dinner ALONE with friends, NOT him, etc.

Invisiblestepmom14's picture

It has to be an agreed upon purchase between BM and DH otherwise we aren't paying for it. We pay enough CS and we buy the kids some clothes when they are out here for the summer. We have a budget and DH tells BM this we can afford and this we can't. Sure, she threw a fit the first couple of times but she is learning and I know she doesn't want to waste the money going back to court. They are building a house and I'm sure all the extra money is going there, including some of the CS.

I finally put my foot down (I handle the finances) and told DH that if we have a child together, the only way we can afford to do it, is to shut BM down. No more open checkbook!

Have your DH put a price limit on things as in maybe $40 to spend on clothes every other month or something to that degree. These BM's need to learn to live on a budget like the rest of us!

SierraV's picture

He does pay CS but he's a moron and told BM he would split big costs with her. She always has photocopied the receipts and told him to pay up. He doesn't want to not give her the money because she will tell their daughter that he's cheap and won't buy her stuff.

Half of the bill for the back to school stuff doubles what he pays in CS. BM says she can't raise a kid with how little he pays but he doesn't make a lot so that's all she gets. But she wants to shop at Macys not Goodwill.

BM makes wayyyyy more than he does. She doesn't need the money. She just likes screwing him financially and rubbing it in that he's a failure as a dad since he's not able to buy his daughter expensive stuff.