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Really, that’s all you expect?

OneTiredChick's picture

I finally spoke to idiot last nite. I just couldn’t hold back after I walked into stepspawn's room and saw the complete devastation she left after the Easter break marathon. I wish I could post pictures here because it’s THAT bad that I want to share it. Sort of like when you open old milk, sniff it and get whacked in the face by the scent of curdling cream and shove it in your partner’s nose for him to sniff it too! 

I stopped cleaning her room years ago. For a while I had a house cleaner coming once a week but she was told not to go into that room (I was paying for it and the first time she came and looked at the room she said, “I’m a cleaner, not a maid. If you want me to sift through the garbage and clothes on the floor I can do that after the house is done but it’ll be extra", no bueno, the room is off limits). Stepspawn’s here every other weekend and an occasional extra day here and there. When she is here, 99% of the time she drops her backpack on the kitchen floor, calls her friend and leaves. How can someone do to their room what she does in the amount of time she’s physically here?!?

So... I’ll try to explain what I encountered when I opened the door. I was slapped in the face with the sweet, chemically smell of fake coconut (which I had been smelling all week as it wafted under the door to infect the whole upstairs). Evidently her bottle of drugstore coconut body spray had leaked onto her mattress (doesn’t everybody keep their perfume on their bed?) so all 6.8 ounces of it had soaked through the sheets, mattress and into the wooden platform bed that at $3000 she HAD to have last year. There’s no dirty clothes in the hamper because she needs to rifle through it every time she comes to find underwear (yup, dirty ones.. guess she does the sniff test to see which pair to wear??). Dirty clothes mixed with new with price tags still on clothes cover every inch of the rug. There’s empty water bottles, gummy bear, and chocolate wrappers all over the floor, dresser and bathroom counter. Her bathroom is a Jack and Jill so there’s two sinks, one of them looking like it’s grown fur because she sits on the counter and shaves her legs over that sink. The toilet bowl is black, the bathtub is brown (they’re original white). She throws all the clothing store bags in one corner as if it’s a sign of her wealth (I can’t remember the last time she was here and didn’t go shopping) and register receipts pop up through the clothes on the floor like little spring flowers everywhere. The pièce de résistance would be the used Kotex and panti-liners that are, 1. Still stuck to her underwear 2. Falling out of the overflowing garbage can 3. Randomly stuck to the dirty and new clothes, and 4. Now being stuck to the bathroom wall next to the toilet (how industrious of her to use the adhesive to stick it to the wall, like she’s saving them in case she runs out to reuse, like she does with her underwear). Now in this clusterf*ck there’s one thing missing... a toothbrush. The kid has been given enough toothbrushes to wipe out cavities in North America yet there’s not one anywhere in her room or bathroom. 

After dinner I spoke to idiot and asked him if he’d seen his daughter's room and he said no, that it’s private and he doesn’t like to invade her privacy. I told him that I pay for half of that room, he the other half, so until she’s paying rent it falls under the category of mine and his, not hers. I said he’s failing his daughter by not teaching her responsibility and that by giving her money without earning it, buying movie tickets and clothes and dinners and whatnot he’s teaching her that nothing has value. If you give your kids everything, nothing is special. 

Idiot sat quietly while I spoke. He even took a few seconds after I was done and then responded, "It’s not up to you to decide for me what’s important to me. In my eyes my daughter is adequately meeting my expectations and deserves everything I give her. She gives me back 100 times what I give her, so she actually deserves more than she gets. I’m teaching her how to be an adult just fine, so don’t you worry about it. No one told you to look in her room. If you don’t like what you see then stay out. It doesn’t bother me".

And that’s it. These men really believe they’re teaching their kids responsibility and life lessons. They’ve lowered their expectations, values and beliefs to such an extreme when it comes to their little darlings, and yet I bet most of your men would bring to your attention if you left a glass in the sink. I know mine does. 



ndc's picture

You're leaving, right? Because that is NOT an acceptable answer in a home you share.

OneTiredChick's picture

Yes, I have an appointment with an attorney. We own the home together and he doesn’t want to sell or buy me out so now I have to spend money to get him to do one or the other. 

NarcissisticSkids's picture

Wonder what DH would say if there were mice or maggots crawling around in that mess....Hey, I know- maybe you should leave USED Kotex and liners  all over your bedroom and bathroom ....or......stuck to your underwear, crotch up on the floor, like you just stepped out of them and left......... wonder if DH would think that ok........GROSS

OneTiredChick's picture

Right?! Lol! 

And his man is a surgeon. He knows damn well what nastiness can lurk in there, and what infections she can get from wearing dirty underwear. But... it’s his BABY so he’s blind to it. When I had first told him she wasn’t brushing her teeth, rewearing undies and smelled from not wearing deodorant he said (I swear on my dog), “Maybe I love my smelling, dirty daughter just the way she is. It’s not up to you to decide". *facepalm*

NarcissisticSkids's picture

OMG...gross.....well, maybe you should let yourself go “stinky”...if that is what he wants.......ugh....

OneTiredChick's picture


We're at the end of our story. We sleep in separate rooms and he’s on his second bottle of astroglide on his nightstand. It’s so sad when it comes down to it when you look back to the beginning when their were dreams and expectations and hopes. Now the dreams and hopes are of me starting over at 49. 

Disneyfan's picture

Well, he has made it perfectly clear that he does not want your input in how he raises his kid.  

Now you have to decide if you can live with that.

I don't care about a kid having a messy/junky room.  However, a nasty room would not be tolerated.  I would ride her ass like a donkey the next visit until that disgusting bathroom were cleaned.  

If husband said one word, I would rip into him as well. I would tell him I will not tell him to to raise his kid, but  I'm not going to allow his kid to treat my home like a bucket of slop.

OneTiredChick's picture

I’ve learned that I need to fight the battles that are most important to me. Right now that battle would be getting him to sell the home or buy me out. Once the summer comes and the room still looks like that I swear I’ll get a pest control company in and spray her room, right over all the shit. When she screams that her clothes are stained I’ll let daaadddeee deal with it. 

notsobad's picture

Stop cleaning the house. Tell him he’s not meeting your expectations and that he doesn’t deserve what you’re giving him.

thinkthrice's picture

"She gives me back 100 times what I give her, so she actually deserves more than she gets."

SERIOUSLY???!!!  Sounds like spawn worship/mini wife to me.

justmakingthebest's picture

Wow... just wow. I have to say I am so thankful that SO and I both have your philosophy with kids. Literally everything they have is ours. They have no rights to anything they have, even if they bought it until they are 18, graduated AND paying rent. 

I would not be able to tolerate your H's attitude. I am with Disney fan, I have one neat freak kid and a slob kid. My slob has to clean his room weekly and get out any trash, water bottles, change his sheets, ect. I don't worry about it (or even go in there during the week) but once a week I give him the ultimatum of he can clean it or I can and I hold up a trash bag. 

How are you going to get the stench out of her room?? Or are you going to just seal it up and not deal? Mutual respect is one of those things that I have to have in a relationship. I am not sure I could live like you are doing with your H not respecting you. His response was a total slap in the face.

OneTiredChick's picture

In this trash heap she has her friends stay over. And not one, but like 3, 4, 5 Girls! When I was young if I experienced this at a friends house I’d never go there again. But they’re all spoiled entitled little shyts and don’t care about anything. 

As for the stench, I opened her windows and put a towel at the bottom of the door on the outside. I WILL NOT clean it. The most that I’d do, and this would have to be due to some extreme fungal growth or something, I’d go in with a shovel and garbage bags. And the bags will go in the shed. 

Blue Moon's picture

Just reading your blog got my heart to beat faster and sent my blood pressure rising!

It's so gross and wrong that your SO would willfully close his eyes on SD's mess... that's what he needs to do to keep the fake harmony going, at the expense of raising her.

If your name is also on the house, I don't think you need his approval to sell it.

OneTiredChick's picture

Hopefully you’re right and I can get the house on the market. In all honesty I’d much rather he buy me out. If we put it on the market I’ll have to sink money into it to get it ready... like bulldozing her room. If this happens I’ll need it in writing that I get back every penny I’ve put into it out of his half of the sale proceeds. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

"She gives me back 100 times what I give her, so she actually deserves more than she gets."

I wonder how he'd feel about opening a gift box of her nasty underwear and used pads. *bad**bad**bad*

bananaseedo's picture

Um, that answer deserves a swift kick in the rear- I would proudly and loudly humiliate BOTH of them.  Plaster a video/pics of that nasty room and a brief descript of daddys opinion......SHAME THEM.

Dovina's picture

OP maybe that book you will write will do just that!! 

Cooooookies's picture

That is just beyond twisted OP.  So glad you'll soon be out of the nightmare. The things your SO says about his DD is just sickening.


hereiam's picture

That is all just really gross. Her behavior and hygiene, AND his reaction to it. That is not love.

My DH loves his daughter but he would never put up with all of that, or excuse it. He certainly wouldn't tell me that it was none of my business, in my own home.


StepMamaBear6's picture

Ummm, yes, both people need to agree to sell a house if both people’s names are on the deed. *shok*

DaizyDuke's picture

OMG your description of your SD's room sounds almost exacltly like mine when she lived with us from ages 14-16.  Piles of dirty clothes, mixed with piles of clean and new clothes, burns on the carpet from her hair straightener, that nasty cheap perfume smell that I can STILL smell in that room FOUR years later and that's with the carpet ripped out and new hardwood floors put in!!!!  Empty food wrappers, dirty dishes, unwrapped tampons in trash can, used pads still stuck to underwear, 6-8 empty shampoo bottles laying all over the floor of the bathtub in her bathroom (everyone stopped using that bathroom about 1 week after she moved in and I stopped cleaning it) her sasquatch hair always in the drain, makeup spilled on the vanity and on and on and on.  When she first moved in DH would actually pick up her room FOR her.  Then he went through the "I'll just ignore it" spell, then one day when a friend of ours stopped over to help DH with something and asked to use the bathroom (the one on the main floor of course, that was "SD's) while he was there and DH went in after he left and saw that there was blood on the toilet, dirty underwear on the floor and the usual rest of her bathroom mess, and he lost it from embarassement and started cracking down on her. But it was a battle rarely won. 

When she moved to Aunt J's at 16, MIL came to pack up her room while she was at school.  Thought it'd take her an hour or so..... took her FOUR hours to pack and clean ONE bedroom!  She was furious and actually apologized to me for not understaning the magnitude of my complaints over the years.  MIL admitted that she just thougth I was being nitpicky.  THEN about a week after SD was gone.  (HOORAY!!) DH and I decided to  switch the TV stand in the living room with the TV stand in SD old room.  When DH went to move it he found another whole laundry basket full of dirty clothes behind there and a bonus bag full of used tampons and pads and such.  WTF???  Just thrown behind the stand! 

I will NEVER miss those days!!  So glad that is OVER for me!!  Sorry you have a DH that won't address it!  Bad

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Think you could control burn the room like you do weeds in a yard?... Cuz idk if there's a way to clean that at this point... He does realize she's effectively destroying that room... Probably permenantly?

FieryEscape's picture

Wow wtf is wrong with that man ??!!! No way I could be with someone like that. He is not doing his kid any favors by allowing her to behave that way. She will grown up to be a nighmare of an adult.

You should take a whole bunch of pictires and post them up on social media and ask people if this is considered normal for a teenage girls room.  Shame the kid and her father.

Cover1W's picture

yes, that is SD14, down to the dirty (really, beyond dirty, horrendously awful) underwear and socks worn must be for days and days.  I tried everything, literally.  Nothing would work because DH doesn't care.

I finally snapped after finding her room the worst I've seen it a month ago.  SD12 was also creating unusual messes.  First I straightened up SD12 - she's pretty good so I have no problem doing that and DH lets me "parent" her a little more.

I then told DH that I was done giving a sh!t about his feelings, or SD14s feelings if they BOTH allowed her room to be squalid.  Not just messy.  Not just dirty but a horror show of filth and smell.  I would go in there once a month and take care of it how I saw fit since no one else cared. I care about MY house that I pay MOST for and do MOST of the work on and I will not allow it to be worse off than when we moved in.  I'm done.

It took two "cleanings" of Cover and then magically the room was cleaned up one day.  I suspect DH helped her because I've never seen her clean anything like that, however, the floor is still disgusting and the sheets still not washed (since December).  She was furious with me apparently but I don't care.  I really don't. 

And I will do it again in a heartbeat.

As for their bathroom?  The deal was if they got their own bath they were to clean it.  LMAO.  FAIL.  So badly.  After dealing with that awful mess I finally hired someone just to clean that bathroom once a month.  DH pays for it.  He has no choice.

SMto3's picture

I’ve told SO time after time. I’m grateful that it’s gotten a little better; since I had DD3, I’ve forced them mostly into their room, but I can’t say that they still don’t throw garbage on the floor, between sofa cushions, behind stands, in their pockets. Once during an argument SO told me he’s the only one who ever cleans consistently and I responded that he should because his kids were the ones consistently trashing the place.

DaniellaR's picture

Whoa....if my husband responded to me like that my next response would be to let him know he needs to find alternate accomodations for his daughter and himself within the week. That would be a relationship ender right there. 

hereiam's picture

The bottom line is that the two adults that are in the relatioship, the couple, should be a team.

Your SO has made himself and his daughter the team. He should have stayed single, if she's the one he wants to devote his life to.

Ladystark's picture

Teens...difference dh goes in ss14 room every morning for work clothes and he has not said a word to ss about room!

Ss has trash all over his desk and on floor under desk.

He has this skateboard coat hanger, he is to old for it, but dh asked him about it and he had to keep it! 

Well somehow it ended up laying infront of dresser, and ss just steps on it to get to dresser, its been there almost 3 months, and is pretty much broken. So much for needing to keep it!! 

I just took pics of ss14 room- im going to have them printed and hang them, or diplay them somewhere downstairs- since we are so proud of his room!!

Wont take them down till room is clean!!

Take a pic of toliets and room, and hang them proudly!! Maybe at his work- it he needs to be embarressed to get on her do it...maybe a front lawn poster pic...haha. 

Im serious- shutting the door decreases the value of your home!!