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Just a rant...posted as a comment on another blog...

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Did not mean to hijack.

normally we don't ever really fight or argue. Only times was about his adult daughters which I have been disengaged or estranged from for eight years now.  

I am more than annoyed at him at the moment. I had plans to go visit my mom across country for an extended visit prior to the pandemic.  On Friday my mom called and we decided it would be best to postpone my trip.  I had the car almost fully packed, the dog sitter hired ( who now will not return the advance payment even though she never said anything about keeping it as a credit). DH was not happy I was going but he would have managed.

So I am annoyed with him because Saturday he went to go help unload the unhaul for his elderly mom and dad who were moving back to our area.  Only his two brothers were going to be there along with brothers wife and the parents.  Just unload and then come home.  Turns out that it was practically a family reunion with about ten people there.  DH's  adult daughter, her husband, husbands son from prior marriage, their two boys 5 and 8 yrs old and the under one year old baby girl. Also my DH's two brothers and their wives, and the parents.  Now my DH is high risk due to being on immunosuppressant drugs, high blood pressure, over 62, overweight.  He had no idea all those people were going to be there.  And he had just seen the daughters family last week for birthday of one of the kids.  So here I am canceling my trip so I would not put my elderly mom or my high risk husband at further risk for the corona virus and he is at a gathering of all these people who seem to not be taking this seriously.  The parents and Brother/wife just came from D.C. area, the daughter works in nursing home, the kids were all in school up until recently, and we have no idea where they have been or who they have been around.  
so why is it I am more concerned about the risk than DH or anyone else.  He said he stayed off to the side and then left when they seemed like they were done unloading.  I wonder why they even needed him there with three other men there to help unload one trailer.  His parents got rid of most everything before the move.  

Then his daughter fusses at him about leaving before she could get a family photo of everyone, she was still going on about it today when she called him.  

I just cringe every time he keeps saying how we need to get things back to normal in the family with the rift between me and the daughters.  They have treated me as if I did not exist even prior to the rift events.  They have no regard for their dads health, they would have none for mine.  They have not missed me in their lives or the lives of their kids.  No one has done anything to facilitate reconciliation.  They all seem oblivious and unaffected. Yet I have spent 8 years here on Steptalk, went to therapy some, read countless articles and books on the subject.  I just want to punch him when he moans sadly about the family getting back together.  Yet he has done nothing to make me feel that I will be treated any better than before.  I have not missed any of those people.  

I had four conditions for the possible reconciliation.  neutral place, non holiday or special event time, advance notice, and I forget the fourth at the moment.  Likely it was only one daughter and family at a time, not a herd party situation.  Well yesterday was a herd party. He had asked me to go along with him originally but I was still planning to be going to visit my mom and would have been busy. After my plans changed just the night before  I declined in order not to bring any risk to his parents. We have been keeping to ourselves but still having to run some errands over the past weeks for supplies. And he is still working.  

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble.  I was so looking forward to going away for a few weeks.  Just wanted some time to myself. Without that everyday question of what's for dinner. Or the blindsided moaning about the estrangements. And the practically every day comments about when would we have sex. Frequency is pretty much way down for several reasons, the comments basically just put me off further.  It is fine when we do but the putting in the order rather than just being affectionate and loving generally is not the right approach for me.  

stupid stuff to complain about in a pandemic.  Just no one else would get it.  Just feeling very stressed.  Snowstorm March...yeah....not.  

Oh and the pandemic has caused the motion hearing in my dad's estate to be messed up.  Maybe continued, maybe done by phone. Don't know.  The evil step sibs are trying to keep his property for themselves and not provide accounting of the estate.  Waited four months for a hearing date.  Now my two sisters are out of work and we all need for the estate to be finished.  Dealing with the step sis executor was so stressful before we had to hire our own attorney to file to get her removed and halt the sale of the property to her boss at below appraisal value.  

It is always something.  So unreal.  

Everyone keep well.  


TheAccidentalSM's picture

Has he heard about the Fusco family from New Jersey?  4 are dead and 3 in serious condition in hospital after a family get together infected them with Coronavirus. 

Kes's picture

Sounds like your DH behaved reasonably sensibly (given that he went at all which was unwise in the circumstances)- ie staying off to the side and not taking part in family photo - the latter which sounds just about the most stupid thing you could do in the current pandemic situation!    I totally get being stressed out over the financial/estate business.  We are in the middle of selling our house and buying another and it is just stress we don't want atm.  Ugh.  

tog redux's picture

My DH has health issues that make him high risk and he hasn't left the house in a week. He would have hired someone to help with the elderly parents' moving - and why are they moving in the middle of a pandemic? (I get that it might be a planned thing that has to be followed through with).  Or he would have opted out and let his brothers do it.

IMO, you need to tell your DH to not mention one word again about you reuniting with his kids. For the love of god, it's been EIGHT years.  Tell him you'll let him know if you ever want to resume a relationship and to stop pressuring you.

Honestly - it sounds like your marriage is in trouble.  Have you considered marriage counseling?

Goodluck's picture

Did I read correctly---there was a gathering of the family yesterday? IF I am correct...that was a crazy decision.

OP--I am sorry.

Not sure how old you are---reconciliation with family (or friends for that matter)  that caused pain and suffering, drama and bs is NOT a part of my head space OR my husbands either. We surround ourselves with people who are the polar opposite of anyone who would expect mended fences or reconciliation. Sorry NOT us...move on and take a hike.

Dr. Phil once said m any years ago and I will paraphrase,,,

You can call me a son of a bitch all you want, but you will call me an sob from afar.





CLove's picture

Firstly, hugs to you - that must have been tough to deal with - not being able to visit with your family.

Yeah, so now your DH needs to be completely given a lecture, plus sanitised. I am still having to lecture my husband who likes to "roam" from place to place and visit with everyone, go shopping. Yesterday for lunch he wanted burgers, and lettuce, I had to corral him back, and insist he not go shopping for lettuce. I have lettuce, bought plants last weekend so we wouldnt have to go out.

The estate stuff is hard too. We just lost my MIL, DH's mother and they are trying to sell the house and are painting and people are disagreeing.

Yea, your Dh's family cold very well be infected and have passed it to EVERYONE through their not taking it seriously. We in my office (California - Im considered essential worker) are taking it VERY seriously.

I suggest that you rain holy heck hard on his head about sanitising and "physical distance". Quarantine him big time.