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Spoiled/Entitled skids

FrazzledStepdad's picture

Gotta vent a bit.  Been married to my DW for 6 years.   Skids were 6 and 9 when we met, now 12 and 15.   We have always had a battle over electronics/screen time.   12 year old SS is on his stuff ALL the time.  Yes, in our home we try to set limits but DW often let's things slide for family harmony (although it's not true harmony because I resent the hell out of it).   SS has an iPhone 8 and a iPad (both were bought by BD) with unlimited data.   For Christmas this year he was given a $1300 macBook as well.  What 12 year old needs all three of these devices?   He's getting fat, he's lazy and he's spends almost all of his time on these devices, save for the time he's on Xbox playing Fortnight with his dad online.

SD is 15.  Has her driving permit.   On the 21st, BD gave her a car for Christmas.  Said he was giving it early so she could enjoy it over the holiday.  Wnated to know if we would "go in on it with him"?   Hell no.  The kid is lazy, spoiled, entitled, doesn't lift a finger, gets angry when we ask her to unload the dishwasher, has been in trouble multiple times for sexting and worse.   Now she has a car.  A nice one.   Then she comes home on Christmas day and annonces she too has been given a brand new macBook plus over $500 in gift cards to Sephora, Ulta and other shops.

This is a kid too who never asks us for money but always goes to the mall and shops.  Her dad adds money to her debit card constatly.  She has NEVER earned a thing in her life.  Her grades suck, she's quit every activity she's tried once it becomes hard or she can't do it the way she wants to.

We make a decent living and have a nice home which we bought in the top county in the state for schools.  BD lives 30 minutes away in the metro school district.  His home is worth considerably less, so he spends his money spoiling the kids and allowing them to do whatever they want.   The kids fail to see that a) we won't spoil them and b) we pay a lot based on our home to allow them to be in the top schools in the area.   They still want to demand things and get pissy when we won't buy them things or take them to expensive places to eat or on expensive vacations.   

Some would say, turn and run away... but I love my wife.   She hates their behavior too but she's their mom and I get it.  It's hard because when she vents about them and I agree we have great conversations.  But if I bring it up on my own, she turns on me.

I find myself completely resentin the Skids.  I don't want to, but I do.  I dread them coming over.   I hate my SD attitude and the way she lips off to her mom.  She is allowed to speak that way to her BD and he even laughs about it when she calls him fatty or baldy-locks.   I can't stand the man but I hate when I hear her speak that way.  Absoultely no respect.

So what do I do?  Suck it up?  Disengage completely?  Allow my marriage to be ruined?

I'm sorry to ramble on.  Just frustrated.  Don't know what to do.

Rant over.

Curious Georgetta's picture

not define kids. Kids can and many do receive costly item and grow up to be productive and successful citizens. It is the values that are instilled in the kids and the  behaviors that are modeled and demonstrated that matter.

Stop hating the dad and by extension his kids. You parent in the way that you believe to be best. The dad has the same right.  What ends up being best is whatever helps these kids become moral and productive citizens.

You seem to be unwilling to allow for the fact that there are many roads that lead to producing good and productive citizens and your way is not the only way

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Nah.

Parents that give excessive/too expensive gifts/too much money creates spoiled and entitled kids AND it cheapens Christmas.

 I’m a grown ass woman and I didn’t get nearly as much as OP’s SD and I bust my ass looking after my family. She doesn’t work hard enough at her education and squanders expensive EC activities.

 I don’t like her and I’ve never even met her

FrazzledStepdad's picture

the sad part is she never appreciates anything her Mom gives her because her dad gives her more expensive and larger gifts.   It really hurts my DW

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

That is very sad.

My favorite thing I got was a present from my DD from school that she made with her picture in it. A Christmas tree ornament with popsicle sticks. She was excited for me to open it, too.

It is a very bad thing to be too materialistic and take people and money for granted.

TwoOfUs's picture

Correct.

There is simply no way to give kids too much and NOT end up with entitled, lazy, and most of all UNHAPPY kids on your hands. Sorry. It just can't be done. 

People are wired to feel self-worth and happiness when they actually are of some use or worth to someone. When they've accomplished something. That's not to say unconditional love isn't important (it is!) only that it's not enough to create happy, well-adjusted humans. We need to feel that we are good at something...have some purpose or direction in life. 

Giving your kids too much and removing all obstacles and hard work from their paths in the process robs them of the opportunity to become the best versions of themselves...no matter how good your intentions are. YOU may still love them no matter what...but you're virtually guaranteeing that very few other people will...or that they will feel much self-love / self-esteem in their lives. 

I think parents who indulge their kids do so because it makes them feel good and powerful...and I think it's an incredibly selfish way to parent.

Sorry, CG...but you can't teach "good morals and values" in a vacuum. The way people think, believe, and act are tied to very physical, objective realities most of the time...just telling kids that hard work is important or that your family values a strong work ethic without ever actually requiring any hard work and handing kids all kinds of expensive "rewards" for nothing...just isn't going to cut it...

Dogmom126's picture

Money doesn’t necessarily breed assholes. My parents were well off and I had name brand everything, new purses at every Xmas, a brand new car at 17 etc. but the catch was that it was ALL contingent on my attitude, behavior and academic/extracurricular involvement, including a part time job once I turned 17 If I was an entitled asshole I would have nothing and would not be fed/clothed by them and my parents made certain I knew it! There is nothing wrong with dad spoiling his kids if he is ALSO parenting them and helping create kind and productive members of society which he CLEARLY is not. OP would not be wrong in suggesting his wife talk to and set some limits with bio dad. She is not making decisions to keep “harmony” by completely ignoring her husbands feelings and she is not doing her kids any favors by allowing them to become entitled little sh*ts with no work ethic. 

Frustrated4ever's picture

I agree with you Dogmom126!  I was the same as you.....and I am floored to see how my SD17 acts.  I grew up with great things as well, but the one thing I always had was respect for my parents.  Work + respect = reward.  I sent my SD to a store for a Christmas gift with my credit card (in addition to a new phone and cash she got) and she charged $ 1,900.... the same old fight that has ensued for 10 years happened again.....She returned everything of course, but I got the whole mouthful of lies BS, told I was "materialistic", everything is my fault, etc.   AS USUAL.  She also thinks that work schedules are optional......PAS from the trashy, psycho BM has made her this way and I am hopping off the crazy train.  The lies, the manipulation, and the lack of respect is disgusting and I am counting down until 18!!!!!!

tog redux's picture

Here's your answer:

"we try to set limits but DW often let's things slide for family harmony (although it's not true harmony because I resent the hell out of it) "

Your DW needs to parent her kids. The entitlement isn't just coming from their father. If she hates their behavior, then she needs to do something about it.

All you can do is disengage.

ChainSmoker's picture

And the kids had new iphones & laptops too. All I could do was sit back and watch. It wasn't easy...

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I would adopt the philosophy - who cares!

If their behavior isn't affecting you emotionally, physically or financially then who cares.

If skids turn out to be entitled, useless adults - they can go live with their overindulgent father - and who cares.

You are simply the husband. Not their father. Not responsible to raise them. And if their parents want to create a monster - who cares.

Set limits in your home. Such as - no adult skid lives here without a job and full financial participation. 

Enjoy your life. Enjoy your wife. Let skids derail! 

 

caitlinj's picture

I'm right there with all of you. My skids are very entitled and spoiled. I took them bicycling to get them out of the house because their dad didn't feel well and I thought I would give him a break and be a good bonding experience for us. They suggested going and I thought it would be a great idea for them and good for them to learn too.  It was a mistake and waste of time on my part. I was set up for failure and walked right into that trap. I should've known better. Let's just say both of them acted very entitled and unappreciative. The oldest is 9 and he is a big kid for his age. His behavior physically and emotionally was comparable to most 3-4 year olds. I almost feel bad for him because 1. No one (mom or dad)  has cared enough to spend the time and effort to teach him and 2. No one (mom or dad) has taught him tantrums and crying are an inappropriate way to handle frustration when you are 9 years old. He's a big kid for his age physically too. At the end of the day there was never an ounce of appreciation or a thank you said by either of them and it was all about how hard it was and how I didn't teach them the right way. Is their a right way to teach a 9 year old who still needs training wheels? It was back to playing video games and watching tv as soon as we got home. They were also whining and complaining that the dog was hyper and barking over the tv they could not hear. Do you think either of them ever get their butts up to take the dog on a walk? Or at least play ball with the dog in the backyard for a bit? Nope. Not them. That's someone else's job(mine or dad's). Yet they wanted a dog. As I reflect I can't blame these kids as much as it is so easy to do. This is the result of poor parenting on both sides going on for way too long. Now that I think of it I don't remember their father thanking me for taking them bicycling either. It has become a "what can you do for me?" type of mentality in that family all around.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Nine and can’t ride a bicycle?! WHAT?! His parents SUCK!

My son has been able to ride without training wheels or assistance since he was 4 or something. His gross motor skills are over-the-top, apparently. *shok*

StepUltimate's picture

... when he finally learned how to ride a bike (with MUCH resistance, super lazy & BM had parked him in front of TV & Xbox all his life). Craziness!

FrazzledStepdad's picture

Update:   Skids had their annual Pediatrics appointment.   Doctor told SS 12, that he was overweight.   Needed an hour of activity per day.  Got home at 2pm yesterday and he was on Fortnite until 12:30am, mostly playing online with his fat BD.   DW didn’t do anything to stop it.  Not my problem.  Poor kid will be a fat lazy entitled bastard just like his BD.   No longer letting this crap get me upset because I’m not allowed to change it. 

StepUltimate's picture

This tool will help you insist SS move out at 18 because he's too lazy & entitled to try anything but lounge at your house, so it needs to be made clear now. Then, he won't be able to say you changed the rules because you'll be able to say, "Check the Launch Plan" and sure enough, all the rules he's ignoring will be spelled out. 

Worked for me, and I learned here on StepTalk. 

markwvualum's picture

I feel your pain. Bio dad is worthless in our situation also. He doesn't parent. He just visits them a couple times a week and buys his kids gifts. It's a joke and makes everything worse. My SS (9) is also overweight, rude, entitled and lazy. He loves nothing more than playing video games and watching tv for hours and hours. He thinks he deserves the best of everything and has done nothing to deserve any of it. Wife and I get into arguments over her kids and ex regularly and she turns on me. 

CLove's picture

Say this 3 times, and click your heels together while doing this. Then the flying monkey skids will all go away peacefully, and the magical oz can spend his money while you float along doing your thing. They sound like they are on a destructive pathway. All you can really do is to enforce rules at your own home, and disengage - let the parents figure things out on their own.

Oh how cute - the skids have SUCH creative names for the parents. I was creatively called "the crazy b!tch". Isnt that nice? WELL.