When she purposely picked a fight with DH when she was 15 and tried to get him to hit her.

And that she believed the lies BM told her about DH.

Also, she later started lying to him and trying to manipulate him for BM's gain. Pissed.me.off. She once tried to pit me and DH against each other. Backfired.

I am cordial to her and sometimes still want to help her (because she is not too smart) but I do not trust her. I do not love her (don't hate her, either). I do not lose sleep worrying about her and her crummy life (23, no job, divorced, 2 kids). I don't care to be "grandma" to her kids, don't care if I never see her again. I am pretty indifferent to her, really.

My final straw was when she made shit up to try and get me and her dad to fight.

While she was doing this she had the unmitigated gall to whine about us not supporting her marriage. I became so disgusted with her behaviour pre-wedding that I just decided to boycott the whole mess. I was polite about it but she told dad I slammed the phone down on MOH after having "major attitude"(translation:politely drawing a BOUNDARY)toward MOH

Please note that I had been thoroughly conditioned for years prior to be extra careful while treading eggshells around SD or face dad's unleashed fury so I fucking knew better and only a total fool in denial would believe this bullshit for even a second

SD16- it was when I found a text message where SD16 (who was 11 at the time) called me a bitch, and said she wished I would leave. Ok, Ok, yeah whatever, kids will be kids. But then she stole clothes from me, I had to sit by and watch her treat DH like a glorified wallet and taxi driver, caught her in lie after lie and I just slowly realized I did not like the person that she was growing up to be.

SS15- it was when he started acting like a hood rat. Got caught shoplifting, smoking cigarettes, drinking, dressing like a damn gangsta rapper etc. The final straw was when he smoked dope in MY house on MY birthday last December while DH and I were gone for a couple of hours.

I'll admit I have a lot of misplaced resentment for both skids because of their worthless, drama monger mothers, and because DH treats them differently than he does our BS4. Hell, LJ... you know what a nasty slob SD16 is right? How many times have I bitched about her nasty ass room, bathroom etc.??? Yesterday as I am working on getting BS4 and I out the door for school/work, DH tells BS4 to pick up his toys there were laying on the living room floor. Now, really DH just beat me to it, I ALWAYS make BS4 pick up his things before we leave the house.. mostly because I don't like coming home to a mess and because I'm not raising a slob. But how DARE DH be the one to tell him to "pick up" when you can't even see SD16 floor of her bedroom because she has so much shit strewn everywhere. I about bit the end of my tongue off on that one!

I had some of the same issues as you. If my kids did it he told me I had to get stricter on the punishments because they would end up walking all over me and he wouldn't stand for a kid acting that way in his house, oh but if his kids did it, well that was fine. They're just acting like kids, and the fact they come from a broken home. Newsflash DH, you're not my kids father so they came from a broken home too. Lies upon lies. Telling my DH that I was mean to them, him letting them make choices for what we were going to do or eat or watch. Their very atitudes that they should get what ever they want cause they are at their dads house. All the stuff of mine and my kids that they broke because they felt like it or didn't want us to have it.
So many reasons why I dislike them.

SD and I had problems starting before DH and I even got married, I should have run for the hills then but, you know, 20/20 hindsight...

I think the straw that broke the camel's back, actually made me start hating SD, was when she was 14. Oldest BD (her half-sisters) was 3 and youngest BD was a baby in a carrier. Came home from somewhere one day with the three of them, ran the garage door up. Oldest BD and SD got out of the car and went to the front door. We had one of those really heavy glass storm doors with the heavy metal frame, BD3 tried to open it and it fell back on her hand and trapped three of her four fingers. She was freaking out and couldn't lift the heavy door, SD was standing right next to BD3. SD14 just kept on looking at/texting on her phone and ignored BD3 shrieking and writhing like a fish on a hook. I had to run and drop baby BD, carrier and all, in the garate (it was raining) and run to free BD3. SD never lifted a hand to help, just stood there watching BD3 and texting on her phone and enjoying BD3's pain.

I think there was no even remote affection for SD14 available to me at that point.

A combination of things. I will say though- 2 big agurments that I got into with DH over the skids, that the skids were aware of, has not helped the overall relationship. I would think that if they were asked this question, they would use those 2 agurments as reasons. Zero is mean to Daaaddddyyyyyy.

OSD- I have never really had a relationship with her. She doesnt like me because of stuff her sisters have said about me. She got involved in 1 of the fights between DH and I and I basically told her to butt the fuck out of it and I think that sealed the deal with us. I still tried to be cordial since we really didnt know each other. But last year she came to town (she lives out of state) and she made plans with DH and I had to rearrange all these plans to accomodate her and then she never showed up, nor called DH to say she wasnt coming. Just left him hanging. After that I was like I am DONE.

MSD-Through the lies and manipulation and stealing I still offered her olive branches and tried to work through things with her. I tried to understand where she was coming from. But when she tried to stay with DH and I when she got kicked out of her BF's house and I said no, but I emailed her later trying to explain why and offer my help in other ways (She has a baby) she told me that my email was too long and she wasnt going to read it. I figured anyone in her circumstance that would turn down help, is obviously in denial and has some issues and is beyond my help. With just that response it was like all the issues with her/I came together and made sense and I was able to make my peace with it and be okay with not having her in my life.

YSD its a lot of little things. I just dont like her. I never have. Maybe not fair. I tried for a long time. She is BM's henchman. LOL. She is also the "baby". Spoiled. Entitled. Snooty. Snotty. She is always getting money/stuff from DH from the guidance of BM. She has refused to help out when the whole family has done something (Camping trips, vacation, etc) as in she will flat out refuse to help while everyone else is setting up camp. Overall her personality isnt one that I like or would want to be around. She is the exact opposite of me. Every bit of a mean girl. I dont think I ever fully engaged her. Honestly I have just stopped acknowledging her. Which probably seems mean, but I dont ever see her. If I see her I wont be rude. But I just act like she doesnt exist.

I honestly can't remember all of it and it's probably a good thing I don't because what little I do remember makes me madder than all hell as it is.

I know in the early years it wasn't really her fault. Dad should have done the right thing day one.

She is almost thirty now and really ought to know better but again Dad set up a really bad foundation and I don't know if the long lasting repercussions can be fixed

Oh well

Not my monkey! : )

For me this last one was threatening to kill me on a vacation, I had paid for. People show us who they are, and she did and I have decided to listen to her from afar. And right now, so is DH.

Mine was an accumulation of things that I read here on StepTalk. This site allowed me to see where things are headed with those kids. I now believe that because of their POS, PAS-in' mom and guilt-ridden, non-parenting dad that me trying to build a relationship with them is an exercise in futility! It will never work...and though I don't want to call the girls a "lost cause", I'll say that me being a step-parent is a lost cause, because only resentment, sadness and hatred await a step-parent if the bio parents cannot co-parent amicably and effectively.

I agree about it boiling down to BM, at least in my case. SD23 was a really sweet kid and she would not have done nor would she keep doing what she's doing without BM's influence and prodding.

I never had a relationship with the skids to begin with. I may have engaged in some surface level small talk with them in the beginning but most of the time, I never really acknowledged them when they were over. Things are a little better with DH's son now that his daughter doesn't come over anymore. Everyone is more relaxed now. It's like a black cloud has been lifted from my home.

There are some very specific events that made me actively dislike DH's daughter. None of them are particularly interesting on their own but when I look at them as a whole, ugh, I just can't. In the beginning, I dismissed most of it to her age, her dynamic with her mother, her upbringing, etc. but one specific event made me realize that her problems were more than just situational: she is just a shitty person, period. She threw my cat. He is the sweetest, most gentle cat I've ever known. I have no idea why she would ever feel the need to be so rough with him. I felt hatred when I saw that. Then a few months later she did the same with my 8 yr old dog and I almost lost it. It was bad enough when it was the cat, but old dogs are nowhere near as agile as cats. Again, I can feel pity for her with most of her antics but I will never be able to get that picture out of my head. That sealed the deal for me.

Definitely BM and OSD. From day 1 they both bribed and manipulated the sgirls.
And also I'd have to say DisneyMIL. She cant stand BM yet she butt kisses because "she wont let me see my grandchildren if I dont"
Eyeroll there, BM would never keep those girls from MIL, MIL pays for all of sgirls wants and needs AND is a free sitter on BMs parenting time.

The root of it all is BM but in the end I blame both her and DH.

When I came into the skids lives they truly enjoyed being with me. I never asked or expected them to call me Mom and always told them that I was not there to EVER replace their mother. I think the skids would go back to BM's and be excited about things that I did with them or the way I did things in our home. BM started PASing the skids, playing vindictive, manipulative games to control DH, the skids and my relationship with them. The skids would say multiple things to me and I would share it with DH with no results of him intervening.

DH could not co parent with me at all. The skids have not been parented by either parent and I had boundaries with the skids which they rebelled. DH still has no clue what he's doing with them and I don't get involved.

I recently had a revelation about my disengaging and how I have felt about the skids and my relationship with them.

I found that I was full of resentment towards DH and BM. The situation turned me into a person that I never wanted to be. By nature, I love children, doing things for people and I'm easy going, loving and caring. I was now angry, resentful and full of hate for all of them.

Then it occurred to me that I was no longer going to be miserable about my ruined relationships with the skids. I looked at it this way…BM doesn't want me to have a relationship with her kids. DH not combatting that behavior only validated the way the children treated me, giving them the assumption that BM is correct in her thinking all along.

Then I focused on myself and left BM and DH in the distance. I decided that if both these parent's are not interested in me having a relationship with the kids, then I'm not busting my ass to be miserable to look for DH's approval.

I started to think about what would HE5 done before the destruction? I base my interaction with the skids on a moment to moment basis. I'm happier and weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Before SD wedding there was a day that they were supposed to sample the dinner menu at the caterer's.

SD asked my husband and BM to come along with them

Husband had to work and BM was sick that day so it was just SD and fiancee

Of course I knew all about this, right?

WRONG!

I found out because fiancee dropped some things off at the house for husband and kind of spilled the beans perhaps intentionally

I questioned my husband regarding this because it stunk like some kind of double date plan-especially since he didn't think to share this with me and I had to find out from SD fiancee

It really made me wonder what else was being kept from me but since they didn't even go and may not have had any intention of going in the first place he might have considered it to be somewhat of a non-issue

I viewed it as just one more incident of SD stirring shit up and moved on with life

Read my blogs. That's whats happening to deteriorate my relationship with OSS.

I'm actually okay with the way things are now. I'm at peace with it. I think its FINALLY hit me. It may have taken quite a few let downs/dissapointments and hurts, but I know feel like I can say- I tried and tried and tried, so I am okay with the way it is.

I feel that the skids have disengaged themselves from me as well and I am a-okay with that.

I have learned that my experiences of step life with marrying an older man with adult children, all girls , has been summed up completely many times by the older stepmoms here. There was a point when dh and I were actually only weeks from finalizing our divorce.

There was so many, many things that were the cause of problems at the time, at least in my mind. Then I realized that I was wrong. There was one big problem. I was stupidly accepting the responsibilities of other people when those responsibilities were not mine to take.

It was not my responsibility to fix my dh's past financial problems that he created or continue covering him for promises he made that he was not in a position to fulfill.

I learned to " just say no!!!" No that belongs to me so you will not be giving it to them, but you can pawn your guitar, your boat or your personal belongings to fulfill your promise. No I will not take responsibility for raising anymore of your grandchildren. You can rearrange your schedule , forfeit your extra curricular activities and spend your retirement raising them if it is important to you.

Anything that has to do with dh's side of the family is now dh's responsibility. So if dh makes a promise he can not fulfil, his problem. Daughters or family get mad then they only deal with him. Not my problem because there is no involvement or contact from me. I can go about my business because I am innocent of the knowledge or details of their agreements.

For me, it was the skids slowly being lost to their PASing BM. Even though my DH rationalizes that it was much easier for them to not come around, it still made me very resentful. Their dad is a wonderful guy and they always seem to enjoy being around when they DO come around. I wished they could truly feel how much it hurts him to miss out on so much of their lives.

Oddly enough, I do not have a spectacular single incident.

But if I had to pick one thing, it would be the sad faces, mournful sighs, rolling of eyes, disgruntled huffing noises, and the sorrowful little mewling sounds while he suffers himself through one of my meals at the dinner table. From a 17 year old boy. And I'm an excellent cook.

I blame the relationship breakdown between me and SD6 on my husband, BM and GBM.

My husband is at fault for having insanely high expectations of me as far as helping him with SD, but then didn't allow me to have a say in the rules she needed to follow in our home.

BM and GBM are at fault for PASing SD against me. They've also made numerous accusations against me that make me want to keep my distance from her.

BM happened. She couldn't handle the fact that there was another woman in her kids' lives who loved and cared about them. She couldn't handle the competition she thought was there. So the PAS started, and the rest is history. If it weren't for BM being jealous and insecure, I'd have two fairly well-adjusted SSs in my life instead of one who's no longer in our lives and the other who's a train wreck.

I met my husband in fall of 2009 he brought me arnd his younger kids at the time ages sd4 and ss6 the bm was out of country and my husband invited me over to meet kids. Once bm found out my husband didn't see kids for 5 mnths. I think between the ex and the kids not seeing my husband I think they blamed me . My ss now 11 we get along kinda always have but my ss now 9 not so much. I really think for her she's a daddy's girl and somehow wishes bm and my husband wld get back together.

Now the older kids from my husbands first ex it was going great till our 2nd holiday came around and we got skids ages 15 and 17 at the time for thanksgiving due to schedules being off and my husband hadn't had his kids for holiday for like 2yrs. Bm kinda had fit and said her brother was coming into town and that kids wanted to stay w/her but my husband pushed the issues and we got them. My husband worked on the evening that I went to meeting place to get kids. Bm is hugging kids crying saying she'll miss them and to call her and she got in car and didn't acknowledge me which normally bm always wld and we wld be chatty I wld say I'll take care of them and don't worry. So I then explained to the kids that we love them and want to spend the holidays w/them just as much as bm and that it only fair we share holidays. The whole time sd is texting bm. Fast forward to day of thanksgiving at the inlaws me and the mil were talking about how bm didn't acknowledge me and how immature it was and that she acts like the kids are 6-7yrs old vs teenagers and skids overheard us. At that point it's never been the same.

I'll admit I maybe shldnt have aired my feeling about the dramatic bm in front of kids but I get defensive when it comes to my husband and feeling like the bm trumps all. I just always wanted it to be they have there mom and I'm sm and I love there father and let's make the best of it. I feel bm felt threatened that skids liked me and when I aired my frustrations the bm somehow flipped what my intentions truly were and all I was trying to say is the dad has rights to time spent w/the kids too. Major backfire on my part.