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Bm and Dh going on the 8th grade trip with ss

Laney's picture

They are both going on the 8th grade trip with ss. Dh was chosen to be the chaperon and bm decided she was going to tag along. So tomorrow dh, bm and ss will be off playing happy family while I sit at home and fume. DH knows I am pissed but he decided to go anyway. No amount of explaining my view has worked, dh is insisting he doesn't want to miss going to Disney with ss. He said he will ignore bm but I don't believe him. Bm will be with him for 3 days, talking and eating meals together, standing in line and shopping next to each other. Staying on the same hotel room floor. I hate this woman with my every fiber of my being.

Comments

Ninji's picture

Well, try to look on the bright side. If they are going to Disney in Florida, it's already 92 degrees here. The lines are super long. Kids (even 8th graders) will be cranky in the heat, wanting something every second of the day and generally being a pain in the ass.

And on top of that, your DH will have to deal with BM. It's not going to be a lovely as you may be picturing it.

Meanwhile, you get a nice break at home with you LO. In the A/C.

ESMOD's picture

What exactly is your issue with this situation?

Is it that you are afraid BM and your DH will hook up?

Is she trying to get her hooks in him.. or is he still hung up on her?

Or are you upset that you are missing a trip to disney.. or that your DH is having a fun trip without you?

I mean, all of those things could potentially make someone upset.

However, if your husband and his ex can get along and let their kid have a good time without drama.. I guess more power to them? That might not mean that they are actually BEING a couple, but it is nice (though not always possible) if they can put their differences aside every now and again.

Laney's picture

Dh left bm and she has never gotten over him. She is going to use this time to throw herself at him. I know dh loves me and isn't interested in her I just hate she has his time for the next 3 days.

zerostepdrama's picture

Well at least he will ignore her.

The situation sucks. I'd be annoyed by it too. But you can't control BM. Sounds like your DH wants nothing to do with her... so that is good. I doubt that he will be spending that much time with her. She is probably going to be very disappointed when she doesn't have DH's attention or SS's attention and she is really just a tag along.

ESMOD's picture

I guess in this case you are just going to have to trust that your husband is capable of keeping her at "arms length" so to speak.

Unfortunately, he can't help that she decided to tag along. I imagine that the trip will be full of a schedule of activities and the focus will be the kids.

If she tries to work her way in, she is most likely going to be humiliated right? How embarrassing to throw yourself at someone in front of teachers, parents etc...

I can understand that you don't like the idea of her having "access" to your husband on this trip, but he is honestly spending these 3 days with his kid... and since HE left HER, I doubt he is going to go out of his way to spend any time with her.

Laney's picture

That is what I can't stand. I just dh but she is going to act like his wife in her crazy head!! She is going to have access to him and I hate it.

zerostepdrama's picture

You can't control her crazy. Who cares what SHE thinks... you live in the reality and that is you're married to DH and live your life with him.

If your DH dislikes her as much as you say he does, then sounds like she is going to be very disappointed and embarrassed and I think that is almost worth her being on the trip. LOL

ESMOD's picture

To be honest, she could have access to him any time she wanted it. She could meet him at exchanges. She could ask him to meet to talk about their child.

If your husband can't stand her (and you believe him) it really won't make any difference what sort of pathetic display she may put on.

I think you need to adopt the mindset that you "won". He chose you. She may be just as interested as being part of this big experience with her son. Maybe she also loves Disney and doesn't want to miss THAT?

We talk a lot about not giving people space in our heads. I think you will be happier if you can provide her less space.

twoviewpoints's picture

So buy a plane ticket and show up. As chaperon, your Dh will have to sleep in a hotel room with the students. BM as a tag along has to have her own room. If she can tag along, so can you. You just pay your way.

DH has already signed up, be selected and is committed. He's not responsible for BM or for whatever tricks she pulls. So if you can't stomach BM tagging along, hey, go along and tag with her. Both of you ladies will have to remember , however, that Dad is assigned students and he may have more than just SS to tend to and chase after.

Have fun. Use Dh's credit card.

ETA: send your little one to grandma's or aunt's or heck, take her too.

ESMOD's picture

Do chaperones really sleep in the same room as students??? I wouldn't think so.. except maybe for their own child.

twoviewpoints's picture

My school too. They learned the hard way. Eighth grade goes to Washington DC between 8th and freshman year during the summer. The year the chaperons lost half the students during the night was the last year chaperons had their own rooms (they did have same hallway). Kids were actually down the road and others were boys and girls in the students rooms.

Now one adult gets stuck in actual room with his/her assigned students. That selected person's kid is one of the students in the room. The kids that one year were an accident waiting to wait and the school should have known better.

ESMOD's picture

What they should have done is made the chaperones take "hall shifts"... Parking themselves in the halls where their block of students stay. I can't imagine the number of chaperones they would need to have one in every room!

Laney's picture

No. The kids bunk together and the Chaperons have their own floor and the men bunk together and the women bunk together. I don't know how it works with bm since she is a parent. I think she has her own room.

ESMOD's picture

They probably got a block of rooms so that everyone would be together. Unless they allowed "non-chaperone" parents to book in that same block, they may not be anywhere near each other in the hotel.

thinkthrice's picture

I have no clue why some people breakup/get divorced yet still expect to pretend they aren't broken up or divorced by carrying on as if the breakup/divorce never happened.

There's more to a relationship than just in the sack. Sharing good times is one of those things. I don't buy this "we're doing this for the kids."

The kids, especially an 8th grader, doesn't need the "I wish my parents were back together again fantasy" flames fanned. They just need to have a good time with one or the other parent after the breakup/divorce.

BM should have some couth by not tagging along, but obviously THAT isn't going to happen.

Laney's picture

Dh broke up with her and doesn't want anything to do with her. He doesn't want to pretend anything.

Laney's picture

I'm not worried. I'm pissed she has access to play happy family with my husband! She is breaking all the boundaries we set and I can't do anything about it.

WalkOnBy's picture

Wait - I am still stuck on the "decided to tag along."

I chaperoned a lot of school trips in my day, and there was no "tagging along" by anyone, since tickets/reservations/rooms need to be booked in advance.

I think your husband needs to learn some serious boundaries...

Laney's picture

This wasn't a last minute thing. She works at the school and dh has known she was going to be there since the first chaperone meeting.

WalkOnBy's picture

And? you say you think she got in on their deal, but I can't imagine they would have extra rooms at the negotiated rate.

In any event - I see two issues here - one, you are waaaaaaaaaaaay too obsesssed with BM and two - your husband doth protest too much.

yolo222's picture

This is totally inappropriate. He is not doing for the child. He is doing it for himself so that he doesn't feel left out of this experience. It was your DHs choice to re marry and now his priority is you above all others. I'm sorry but if u are not ok with this he should not go. There are no excuses and there is no saying something like this is for the kid. It's not. The kid will have a blast if he is there or not.

It blows my mind that people divorce and then continue the happy family charade with their ex while dragging a new spouse through the mud. Your DH is a selfish prick. Is he wanted to have a trip with his ex he should have stayed in the marriage. Now he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Seriously if it were me I would tell him that I will have an apartment lined up for him and all of his belongings will be moved out by the time he comes back. Completely unacceptable.

Laney's picture

It's not him it's her. He had already committed and paid when he found out she was going. Dh doesn't want to be near her and he left her because he couldn't stand her. He never loved her he just got her pregnant and felt like he had to marry her.

twoviewpoints's picture

If she works for school and insist she must go plus gets school discount, the school should assign her a group of students. She is currently treating this trip like Mom and Dad's little vacation on school's discount.

I'd be tempted to place for few calls into the school board and ask if the school discount is available to any one. Let them scramble for a justifiable excuse of why one of the teachers is using the field trip for personal gain. Another parent got locked out as chosen chaperon and the chance to go with their kid because Mommy and Daddy used Mom's school employment as a pass for both of SS's parents to go aka family vacation.

Stepped in what momma's picture

But you just said: This wasn't a last minute thing. She works at the school and dh has known she was going to be there since the first chaperone meeting.

zerostepdrama's picture

Doesn't sound like they are going to be acting like a happy family. OP has made it clear her DH can't stand BM.

Disneyfan's picture

Even if they were still married, a kid that age, on a school trip, will not be touring the parks with his parents. He's not going to sit with them on the plane he isn't going to sit and eat with them.

That boy will end up doing all those things with the group of kids he ends up hang out with.

Since mom works at the school, chances are she will hang with her colleagues and dad will hang with the other parents

Laney's picture

They married when she found out she was pregnant because he wanted to do right by her. Then he got to know her and eeewwwwww. He left because he didn't like her.

yolo222's picture

He probably broke BMs heart. That's not cool. Marriage is a promise and a commitment to love even when u don't want to. He didn't want to work through things?! I hope he continues to "like" you.

yolo222's picture

Haha. Yes that would be nice. Sorry for my harshness❤️ I was not trying to be rude. I'm a disgruntled citizen because the divorced rate suck because people do not know when to get married or how to make marriage last. People need to smarten up

Stepped in what momma's picture

Ya yolo, she probably got pregnant on purpose and so??! Plenty of people get married too young and break peoples hearts at least he tried to do the right thing. OR would it be better if he had told he to screw off and just sent a monthly check? We hurt people in our lives all the time trying to meet social, family and religious standards or by simply trying to do what we think is best at that time.

StepX2's picture

"Marriage is a promise and a commitment to love even when u don't want to."

One spouse hits the other spouse upside the head...bruised spouse isn't feeling the love anymore. By your statement, the battered spouse is "committed" to still love their abuser.

yolo222's picture

Sorry ladies. I'm disgruntled about the divorce rate. I don't believe I staying in an abusive marriage BUT I'm sick of people claiming they married too young. Got married because of a pregnancy etc etc. I wish people would get smart about this. Marriage is a commitment and a choice. If u get married for the wrong reasons it will end. I also believe people see abisive patterns long before her get married and ignore them. Marriage is more a covenant to me than anything else. It just blows my my the reasons why people marry. I'm begging u ladies don't marry for the wrong reasons. And yes I do believe in staying until the end as long as there is no physical abuse. We as a society have turned marriage into something that can be done and undone way too easily. They have forgotten what it's about. Anyway. There's. My rant. Sorry if I was harsh. Just disappointed when I read things like " well she got knocked up and he married her then he didn't like her so he left". Seriously!?! I had a child out of wedlock and I never married the child's dad...why?!? Because I scrutinized him and red flags were everywhere. I did not ignore them. I left him.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Yolo - "I also believe people see abisive patterns long before her get married and ignore them." Most people do not see abusive patterns and ignore them as most abuse builds gradually over time and may not become apparent until after marriage.

yolo222's picture

I think you have captured my point exactly. And the secret that people who marry don't understand is that marriage is not to make u happy. It's not for u. It's to serve that other person. If both people know this going in wouldn't all marriages be amazing. If both people put each other first and served on another is when a marriage succeeds.

Willow2010's picture

As a SM…nope, no and hell no. I would have issues with this.

As a bio parent, I would be SOOO on the fence on this. I would really WANT to go for my child. But I would not want to hurt my SO.

Sucks.

Thumper's picture

I have a GREAT idea, You can take your 2 year old. FREE at Disney by the way for tickets.

NO way I would want to miss my 2 year old at Disney with the dad and step son.

Making memories for ALL.

Wouldn't they be surprised????? Wink

robin333's picture

Is there a relative, Mom, sister, that can take care of your 2year old?

If so, go down there, put on some sexy lingerie and enjoy the Disney trip. Yes, DH is a chaperone but I am sure he can to your room for a quickie.

ESMOD's picture

Actually, we really don't know what BM's intent was. Maybe she likes Disney? Maybe she just wants a chance to share this with her son? Maybe she doesn't care whether her ex is on the trip or not????

This falls into the category of there are just some things that will be out of our control. Either her husband is capable of limiting his contact with his Ex or not. If he can't stand her as he says.. I don't see why he won't be able and willing to avoid her presence whenever possible.

So, yeah... OP can be envious of the time that the EX will have possible access. But seriously, I could have access to Brad Pitt, but he sure as heck isn't going to be interested in me!!! What would that access net me? nothing.

The problem is that any amount of her expressing jealousy is going to put her in a negative light and honestly at this point her husband has made a commitment to the school that would be bad and disappointing to his son if he broke it.

Unless BM has arranged to share DH's ROOM, she is not pretending that OP's relationship doesn't exist. As long as her DH is committed to his new wife, there should be no room for any worry that the newer relationship is being ignored. I mean BM can pretend in her little head all she wants that he isn't married.. but if HE doesn't think that or act on that, it is just another delusional BM.

ESMOD's picture

Maybe dad wants to experience the joy and wonder of his son enjoying Disney for the first time?

If BM and DH wanna "do it" again, I am sure that they can figure out a nice easy way to meet on their lunch hour in a hotel!

I don't think that being in charge of a bunch of kids is the romantic event that it is being made out to be.

Why on earth is her heart broken anyway? Because her husband and his EX will be in the same vicinity of each other for a few days? Because his ex might "look at him".. try to talk to him etc???

She has made it very clear that his EX now disgusts him... so what the heck does she think will happen?

I mean in some sense I am jealous of the fact that my husband did things with his exwife and that she had some of his time.

However, this is a trip for his child. It's not like the three of them are going off on a personal family vacation. It's a school trip.

I mean, sure, her husband should reassure her that he is going to avoid BM like the plague... but why should his EX get to control his life by preventing him from doing something with his son? There is that angle of control too. If the EX figures out that all she has to do to make her EX go away is volunteer herself.. she can do that too.

notasm3's picture

To me this is not about whether BM and OP's DH are going to have sex. That's highly unlikely.

But I would absolutely unconditionally be opposed to my DH going on vacation with another woman - especially someone he used to be married to. I love Disney myself and sometimes go multiple times a year - often without my DH. But I have never once thought about inviting a male friend (even a platonic one) to go with me.

notasm3's picture

Yes it's a school trip - but it's a fun trip not something educational. I do agree that both parents are entitled to go. This does not sound like they are going to be in a big group in a large facility where they barely speak to one another.

This trip just screams "togetherness". What's the motivation for each to go - well to spend time with their son experiencing Disney. If the father is going to be with the son, and the mother is going to be with the son - then by definition the father and the mother are going to be together.

Both parents want to experience this with their son which implies that both are going to be spending time together with their son. It sounds to me like 14-15 hours a day of togetherness with their son.

My DH went to his grandson's first birthday party without me (I was out of town). BM was there. That meant absolutely nothing to me as they just happened to be in the same proximity among 35-40 other people. I doubt if they said 5 words to each other. They were not "together".

I just know that I would NOT BE HAPPY if my DH was going to be spending 14-15 hours a day with BM for several days. Even if I was absolutely sure that no sex would take place. Maybe I am intolerant, but I do not want my DH spending hours and hours and hours with another that he had sex with for years.

Laney's picture

You put my feelings into words. I. Not worried about sex I am worried about the intimacy and playing family.

ESMOD's picture

But, DH isn't just chaperoning his son.. he is responsible for many more kids. It is quite likely that he will avoid spending time with his EX. They both won't be joined at the kid's hip the whole time right? Maybe Dad sits with the kid at breakfast then has some other responsibility for some of the day? Maybe Mom meets kid for lunch and dad sits with some other kids?

This is not just the 3 of them going by themselves. Dad has other obligations than just his son on the trip. Will they be in each other's presence? I'm sure at some point yes.. but 14-15 hours a day? I doubt that seriously.

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree!

momof3smof2's picture

Maybe because our kids have always done traveling sports, I just can't understand the issue in this situation. I have traveled to the same destination with my ex-husband (before he got involved with the psycho). My husband has traveled to the same destination with his ex-wife. I have traveled to the same destination as my husband's ex-wife. And we've done it together.

In none of those situations was anyone "playing family". But, the reality is that we are all a part of the lives of the same kids.

Maxwell09's picture

In theory I can see where it shouldn't be a big deal. He doesn't like her, she's just going along to help, they aren't staying together. I don't know. It would still rub me the wrong way even if I had to deal with it. My DH hates when I walk away to another group of parents or ballfield when BM is around because she tries to be chatty towards him. If we were in your situation my DH would do anything he could to swing me and my little one coming to Disney or finding a babysitter so I could fly with him as a guest.

Maxwell09's picture

I agree with this 100%...but then again it's a lot harder to say "be okay with this" than to actually BE OKAY with it. I agree it's a personal issue with the Op but I can't say I'm above feeling the same way if it were me.

notarelative's picture

How does SS feel about this? At that age my kids would rather have stayed home than have two parents chaperone. One parent - mine would have been upset, but tolerated it. Two parents - going would have been beyond awful.

Others have posted that the chaperones will be sharing rooms with kids. Here that would never happen. Never would an adult share a room with an unrelated child here. Chaperones, in shifts, do hall duty all night.

still learning's picture

I had to spend 3 days in close proximity w/exH for one of our sons events. It was not *happy family* time. It was really awkward and I had to plaster on the smile and make like I was enjoying sitting at the same table as him for the award dinner. Had to shake his hand, blech, took pics of him and DS together and did not jump in any pics of all of us together. I felt like such a bipolar b*tch the whole time; hating that I had to be there with him yet grateful that he showed up to support our son. Someone asked me what my husband did for a living, referring to exH and I quickly said, "EX husband!"

When I got back I was so grateful to see DH. He was the best husband in the world because for several days I was reminded of what an @$$ I had previously been married to. So be cool, be loving and supportive so that he is grateful to see you when he comes home.

Acratopotes's picture

Laney - I get how you feel, I would feel the exact same way...... If my husband figured out his Ex wife is also going on this trip I would want him to withdraw...... this is how we are...

but men are different, they do not think like this.... DH said he will do it and he keeps his word, he can't stand BM, she might pretend they are a happy family, but he ignores her, I think he will try and avoid her... he sounds like my SO.... avoid confrontation by ignoring and avoiding....

You will have to trust your husband to do right by you, he loves you not BM... this will be a good test for you, try and not to think about it for 3 days, even if he does not answer your text or calls, he might be busy with the kids, it's hard work to be chaperon, simply enjoy your 3 days with you baby and stay calm

B22S22's picture

I totally get how you feel -- back when my SK played travel sports, BM would insist that DH take SK (and pay for hotel, food, etc) because she couldn't. On a NUMBER of occasions, BM ended up "showing up" in said city, at said hotel thanks to SK texting her where they were staying. One time she even showed up at the room with a bunch of take out food.... which DH took, thanked her, and closed the door.

It's tough to know, or watch, or whatever. But I agree with others that you have to trust your DH. Did these BM antics piss me off? Sure! It was OBVIOUS what she was up to, but I also knew that being mad and "forbidding" DH to spend some of these weekends with his son was not going to get me anywhere.

I agree with others that chaperoning does not leave one to much personal time at all. It's hard to know the BM is going to be the way she's trying to be. But trust in your DH unless he has given you reason to believe otherwise.

notsobad's picture

BM showed up at an out of town game for SS with SD and no money for a room! She made SD ask DH to get a room for them, which he of course did.

Then after the game BM said she needed to talk to him, I went back to our room, she asked for gas money! She'd driven over 8 hours without money for a room or gas to get home.

I lost it and almost broke up with him. It wasn't so much BMs actions, it was him doing whatever she wanted, jumping whenever she said. The mere fact that she knew he'd take care of everything really upset me. As it was, we only had $40 cash between us and so that's all she got.

One year SS had a tournament in Hawaii. BM made comments about how much she'd love to go, if she could afford it. DH and I were going because he was a coach and parents were welcome to come and stay at the same place.
I had a few bad moments when it seemed like she'd be able to swing the airfare and hotel costs. In the end she didn't go and we had a great vacation.

Laney's picture

I talked to dh again last night but he refused to pull out of the trip. When I suggested I bring dd and meet them there he said okay but they are following a packed schedule and won't be at Disney the whole time. They are going to see a show and do tours also. I can pay to go to those but I May not be able to sit with them and he can't help with dd. Basically I would be following them from place to place. I realized how crazy I was being and I apologized to dh and he said he understood. When I dropped him off this morning bm was standing in the bus lane with ss and they ran over to dh. Ss had a bag from McDonald's for dh and coffee. Aaaahhhhhh!! I am ticked off he took it. He gave me a huge hug and kiss then walked off with ss and bm to go load their stuff. This is going to be the longest 3 days ever.

twoviewpoints's picture

Don't be angry over a stupid McDonald sack. Would you really rather your DH had smacked the sack and hot coffee out of his son's hand and said 'heck, no, I don't want it'?

For one, what childish behavior would that be a teach a kid? For two, yeah likely BM's doing but it was the child who ran up and offered it to Dad. Why hurt the kid's feelings over something that he isn't in control of?

Now wouldn't a rejected bag of egg mcmuffins hanging off the hand of a kid all excited about his 8th grade field trip, Disney and fun with his friends , be a great way to start off this kid's trip :O

I hope Dad and son have a great time. I hope BM melts in the hot sun and looks and smells like roadkill. What I don't hope is that anyone makes a kid feel poorly over the actions and decisions of his parents.

Tuff Noogies's picture

splitting hairs here - what if the kid asked the bm "can i bring daddy xyz for breakfast?" it's possible that the kid prompted the gift. just as possible as bm saying "do you want to get daddy something?" and just as possible as her just buying it and saying "go give this to your father."

the rest of your comment - i totally agree with it. i would be miserable in OP's shoes. but like someone else commented, this is a part of step-life that truly sucks @$$

pinkb's picture

Just a thought here... if they WERE a couple they wouldn't be arriving in separate vehicles with one party picking up breakfast, etc. Crazy ex-wife might be thinking that this would make it look like cozy family but if I were a by-stander I would read this as the absolute opposite.

Reasons to be ticked off...
1) BM asked DH for a lift to the event and he agreed
2) BM offered to pick up DH together with the kid and he agreed
3) There was a ridiculously warm greeting with the crazy upon arrival

I'm not a BM but BM or not I can't think of any thing I WOULDN'T rather do than spend days in the blistering sun sweating my ass off with a bunch of entitled little 13yo brats (but that's just me).

I do agree that at 13yo Skid is going to want to hang out with his friends. DH is getting his kicks by seeing his kid have a good time from the sidelines. Make an appointment at the spa and get a sitter for half the day.

Personally, I think you have nothing to worry about.

ESMOD's picture

I think that the "best" the BM will get out of it is that her standing as a "non-crazy EX" could be validated with her peers.

I mean, the "oh.. isn't it so nice that you and your EX can do things for your child without drama and animosity?"

I do understand Laney's feelings, but I put them in the category of worrying about things that are somewhat out of our control and in the end, the reality is usually not as bad as the scenarios we run through our minds.

I get that this trip being 3 days and out of the area make it a little scarier, but I don't think that we would advocate her telling him that he shouldn't go to his son's sports events without her because EX will be there and try to make it look "happy family".

But, we all have things we shouldn't worry about but do. So, not saying she can't worry, but it is generally better to try to focus on things within our control:)

Willow2010's picture

You are ticked off that your DH took a gift of coffee and a snack from his kid?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think OP is because the “family” stuff has begun and it began right in front of her face. Im sure the "gift" was actually paid for by BM and I am sure that was hard to watch her husband walk off arm and arm with his ex wife to go on vacation. I don't care what yall say... it is a vacation.

I feel for her. I know I would not like being in her position.

SM12's picture

I have to disagree with those saying DH shouldn't go. Why should DH miss out on an experience with his Son because BM decided to horn in on the fun. Now I am not saying I wouldn't be concerned as well. Lets face it, anytime our significant others are somewhere overnight with a person they used to be intimate with, it would cause some anxiety. That is normal.

My feeling is that Laney should have decided to go as well. A two year old is fine at Disney and even if they aren't up for an entire day at the park, she would still be able to have a room for her and DH to stay in during the night. Plus, lets face it, it would piss BM Off.

So if Laney isn't going to go, then she really needs to stop focusing on it. If your DH and BM were going to screw around then there is nothing you can do to stop it. They will find a way. So either trust your DH or Go with him.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think the main point should actually be, if the roles were reversed, what would your DH want you to do?

I'm going to say that this is going to be a strange wound to carry for a length of time in your relationship and I'm going to tell you something that I rarely tell people.

A long time ago, DH had an emotional affair with a coworker who just kept pursuing him and he didn't say no until I found out, which almost resulted in divorce if he hadn't panicked and found a marriage counselor and also went back to seeing his own therapist. Thankfully it wasn't physical (as far as I am aware.)

They don't work in the same department but occasionally they still cross paths in organization meetings--she still attempts to get him any time they see each other, and he looks at her like something on the bottom of his shoe. He dislikes her because he realized her actions and his inaction had jeopardized his marriage, and that originally (because he has this savior complex) she took advantage of him trying to be a good friend and kept pushing the limit. Basically, she had a habit of being the other woman, only going after married men (big red flag) and because she started confiding in him and seemed "genuinely" sorry she does that (and had just broken up with a guy who has a wife and 3 kids--who she is now back with), he wanted to help her break her habit, not realizing he was her next mark. She started by telling him when she was going to go out to a party, and he'd tell her to be confident and herself, then she started texting him her outfits when she went out and he'd tell her she can do it and looks good, and then she started texting him pictures that peeked at her underwear, and while he was flabbergasted at that, he was also flattered, which was when I found out because I saw those texts and pictures. Such a slow progression but by the time he realized something was wrong, it was way too late.

Anyway, long story short, it pisses me off any time he has to be in her vicinity. I trust him because he sees her for what she is and I know he doesn't like her in that way, but it feels disrespectful from her when he comes home and tells me about it (that was part of our deal, that when he has to see/interact with her, he has to tell me) and I know in the subtle undertones of what he relays to me, she is still attempting moves. Passing him written notes which he throws out in front of her without reading.

Sometimes though, he'll wonder what the big deal is because he thinks we're over the thing (because he is) but while we are over it as far as divorcing because of it, the scar is still there. At times like this, I would ask him if our roles were reversed, what would he like me to do to a suitor I once had an emotional affair with if they kept approaching me at work.

Bless my DH, he is fundamentally honest--he said he'd hate that I was working there and would want me to change jobs etc. so he understands how it feels. I get that he can't easily change jobs, so I don't ask that of him, but I do ask that he act how he would like me to act if the circumstances occurred.

So when he gets back, I would talk to him about what happens next time--because I assure you part of the reason you hate it is the possibility of BM doing things like this again because your DH didn't put a stop to it in the beginning, and the probability has just increased that she WILL because she got her "reward" which is to get your DH to herself without you around (despite what other people say about there being kids, the reward IS in her own head.)

So what would your DH want if a guy who you once slept with, uses the child you conceived with him to spend time around you WITHOUT DH and your other child, who will be putting moves on you whether you are accepting or not, and that you cannot stop from going to wherever you originally planned to go?

I know what my DH would ask of me: he'd ask me not to go, or take him with. And out of respect for my spouse, I would agree, because I know how terrible it is to be put through the "what if's" and especially late at night when you only have your mind to keep you company (it is a special brand of torture).

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think you might have missed my point. Whether or not he has to earn trust back is not the issue. It's what he would want you to do if the situation was flipped. My example was only to illustrate that myself and DH* operate under the idea of what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he wouldn't be able to stomach me going anywhere with an ex even if kids were involved (without flipping out or taking it out on me), then he shouldn't put me in that exact situation.

I can tell you that my DH would absolutely freak out if I was to go anywhere with an ex (or even if it was just a guy who liked me) without him. Sure, we can say he's insecure, and that I'm better equipped to handle this kind of scenario (because regardless of what happened, I don't tell him he can't go to a work function because his coworker might be there) but it still gives me (and him) a sense of security if our partner respected that maybe we are still a bit insecure about the whole thing. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone. If our partners bumbled on without regard to them, they wouldn't last very long as partners (in my life, anyway.)

I'm not insecure about my weight, but DH is. If I was in his shoes then it would upset me if my partner joked about it, so I wouldn't joke about it even if technically it's just a joke and I can say what I want.

Just because someone has a right, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. You'll find differing opinions even on the subject of whether or not people can have opposite gender friends they hang out with alone. You may have a right, but is it the right thing for your relationship? Neither DH and I want to poke at each other's insecurities or cause tension where there should have been none, so we don't hang out alone with opposite gender friends. We think marriage is hard enough without adding a possible extra negative variable. Another couple might differ and not mind at all. Like children, different relationships require different ways to nurture and grow.

ESMOD's picture

"I can tell you that my DH would absolutely freak out if I was to go anywhere with an ex (or even if it was just a guy who liked me) without him."

I think the issue would be more troublesome if it was a situation where they were going somewhere "with just the two of them".

This is a large school trip that has DH acting as a chaperone to bunch of kids.

Would your DH freak if you went to a sports game where your EX would be without him? So you would miss your kid's game? I wouldn't think so, but maybe that is how you would deal with it.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Yes he'd freak if I told him he couldn't go, or tried to make it out like I wouldn't want him there. He wouldn't freak if he could go.

I wouldn't miss my kid's game but I would make it so that DH could go without feeling like a third wheel. I'd make it so that I can show him in the best way possible that I WANT him with me. I'd talk to him about his feelings and let him know I completely understand where he's coming from and that if I were him, I'd hate it too. I'd work with him on what my responses would be if my ex approached me in a way that is acceptable for both of us if he couldn't go. Sometimes even just that is enough to alleviate the tension. The point is that you have to be empathetic and compassionate to your partner's emotional needs. Yeah, sometimes things will happen that neither of us can control, that neither of us will like, but it's not just up to the person not liking it to change themselves, it is up to us as their partners to help them make that change too.

All I'm saying is talk to him when he gets back and establish what you guys would do if a situation like this popped up again. But do it from HIS point of view and what HE would prefer if the shoe was on the other foot.

It gets easier each time this occurs too, if you process it right. If the feelings of insecurities come up, I learned to process through them in that I cannot change what will occur, and if it would have/does occur, I'd rather find out about it now than later. I don't want to have to police my husband for the rest of his life, because the true test of change is that faced with temptation, we say no. I understand you cannot keep someone forever if they don't want to be kept and that gave me a lot of peace because I DON'T have any insecurities about being alone or supporting myself and my kids financially.

ESMOD's picture

In this case, OP wasn't told she couldn't go. From the beginning of knowing that the EX was going to be there, she could have planned it. It sounds more like an issue of convenience and finances that really made that decision, not that he was making it hard for her to be there.

Believe me, I understand how she won't be overjoyed about BM being there, but I guess the only real object of her irritation should be BM.. not her DH. He really didn't do anything to put himself intentionally into this situation and I'm sure he plans to spend his time chaperoning... as he signed up to do.

Willow2010's picture

I am sooo flipping surprised that a lot of you are so ok with your DH spending time like this with BM.

While I would also NOT stop my plans from going with my son either as a bio, I know that as a SM, I would be crazy due to MY DH spending family time with BM. Or anyone that he was in love with and slept with for years.

But as I said…I am still so surprised that some of you think she is insecure and stupid for her feelings.

ESMOD's picture

I don't know that there is a guarantee that he will be spending the time with BM. He is going to have chaperone duties. She may be in the vicinity of him at times.. but I am not certain that we can assume she will be joined at the hip with him at all.

OP is entitled to her emotions and feelings. We all have insecurities and jealousies that may not be 100% justifiable.. but we still have them. Some of it might stem from insecurity and other times just from an active imagination. I don't think she is stupid for having those feelings, but I don't think it would be right to require her husband to refrain from going on a trip as a chaperone for his son... just because BM will be there too.

Again, this is nowhere near the same thing as if they decided on their own to take this kid to Disney outside of a school sponsored event.. ie a family private vacation.

momof3smof2's picture

I don't see it as "spending family time with BM." I see it as spending time doing the parenting thing.

notsobad's picture

Hahahahaha, love this!

We just spent a few days with my ExH at my youngests grad. Spending time with him made me appreciate DH so much more than I already do!
DH got some special loving and is now eager to spend even more time with the ex, LOL!

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Yeah but as we can see from her new post... her DH isn't shutting BM down as he said he would.

But you know what, I'd rather have known now than later that he can't keep his word about BM.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

100% Granny. That's what I've been saying. I can't see one guy (except maybe the odd one) being okay with this scenario.

The other day I was talking to my DH about a friend who I grew up with and we had to drift apart because he started really liking me, and that I wonder if we could ever be friends again and DH was like "HE WILL ALWAYS BE TRYING." If I said I was going to give our friendship a chance and hang out with him at our upcoming HS reunion without him, my DH would blow an aneurysm.

ctnmom's picture

On a somewhat related note, I have had TWO friends get involved (not marry thank God) guys who "hated" and were "grossed out" by their exes, and "only got married because they knocked her up". They were both still sleeping with their exes. Believe ACTIONS , not words, IMHO a happily married man would never go on a trip chaperoning once he found out his ex was going. They would just cancel because it is wildly inappropriate. He WANTS to go with his kid and BM.