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I talked to dh last night

Laney's picture

Reading your responses gave me the courage to sit down and tell dh exactly what I was feeling last night. He said that his kids come first and that he won't always be able to be with dd and I when ss needs him. He said in an emergency bm isn't going to make good decisions so he will always go to ss and make sure he is protected and that I should go with him. He said I need to get over bm and quit being jealous and insecure over her and act like an adult and put ss first. I feel lost this morning.

Comments

notasm3's picture

Well at least he's being honest. You and your daughter can just go lump it as far as he is concerned.

I really feel so sorry for your daughter. You can eventually move on and get over his rejection. Your daughter is always going to deal with a father who doesn't really give a damn about her. That's the real tragedy.

ESMOD's picture

I actually didn't get that feeling. What he is telling her is that he feels responsible for both his children but that he knows that his son doesn't have anyone he can count on besides himself. He believes his wife is capable of caring for the daughter. He also is saying that she CAN stay with him while he doesn't abandon his SS... though that means she might have to suck it up and tolerate BM on occasion.

Look, I had a BM who was crazy and tried to cause all sorts of problems for our family. She threatened my DH constantly. She harassed his daughters for liking me... she is a complete ******.

But, when his daughter was airlifted to the hospital after a cheer accident, I was sitting right there with BM helping to keep her calm and putting my dislike of her on the back burner. I did the same when my OSD got married and we spent the afternoon together. When the Crap hits the fan, sometimes we need to supress our feelings and do what is necessary.

Your DH is telling you that he won't abandon (which he feels leaving his kid with BM would do) his other child so you can either stand with him or do what you need to do.

He wants to know both his kids are safe... he trusts you to do that for his daughter but he does not trust his EX to do the same.

So, you can either suck it up and deal with the EX for these quite unusual and rare situations.. or you understand that your DH DOES have another child that he won't forget just because he has another one.

momof3smof2's picture

Me too.

Peridwen's picture

Sorry Laney, I read it the same way as ESMOD.

I asked my DH about it, and he would have done the same as your DH. Trusted me to get our kids out and gone to do the best he could with the older two. Asked me to be willing to bring BM along or be willing to deal with kidnapping charges. He would not have been willing to leave any of his children in a danger zone.

Peridwen's picture

I might be able to understand easier because I also have 2 children of my one, one of whom spends a LOT of weekends far away from me with my parents. I'd never be able to take just one of my sons with me and leave the other and I trust my parents to keep him safe a lot more than DH trusts BM.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Why did this man choose to have another child if he's just going to be up SS's butt for the rest of his life?

File for full custody and supervised visitation. Show the court your texts that the baby was in the hospital but your DH chose to stay with his healthy and safe son and BM. Clearly he will not make good decisions about her care if SS is around.

DaizyDuke's picture

If he is THAT concerned with BM's ability to take care of SS, then your DH should have moved mountains to get full custody a LONG time ago. I see this is as him using SS as a convenient excuse, because he doesn't want to make waves with BM.

I really dislike your DH.

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If he is concerned with his EX's ability to care for his kid in an emergency, I think I would have an issue with him being AOK with her having a lot of time custody wise.

Though, he may have tried for more/full custody and because of mom-centric court systems he was denied.

robin333's picture

^^^^ Daizy nailed it. If I thought my child was with a less than competent adult, I would fight to put major restrictions on that individual's time with my child. Otherwise, it's just a convenient excuse.

strugglingSM's picture

Yup, all this...your DH must have known that BM was a subpar mother when they split, so he should have fought tooth and nail to "protect" his child then. If he felt after the fact that he needed to protect his child from afar, then he should have realized that he didn't have the space in his life to make a wife or any new children the priorities they needed to be.

Why does he expect you to put his son's needs first over your daughter's? By his logic, you are only putting your daughter first, which he would say is the right thing to do. DD is your child, so of course, you should fight for her to be protected by both parents.

He can't expect you to put the needs of your child over the needs of his child, because he's just told you that he felt the need to protect his own child...he can't expect you to feel differently.

Sounds like your DH has some serious unresolved issues over BM and his split. BM chose to stay, so that's on her, he doesn't need to rescue her by spending his money.

Just J's picture

Totally agree! Isn't one of the philosophies here that BM was good enough to have a kid with in the first place, you can't decide she doesn't deserve to be a mom now that they're not together?

Sorry, a husband's place is with his wife during a disaster like this and what her DH did is bullsh!t. If she's so unfit, he either should have never had a kid with her or should have fought to keep the kid from such a terrible mother. You can't have it both ways.

twoviewpoints's picture

You mentioned in your hurricane evac post that BM has a boyfriend you didn't know existed. Id this a new relationship for BM? Spending an overnight/weekend with a new boyfriend could be a small ray of sunshine in your BM ordeal.

If it's new and takes off, she might have to pull back some from being your DH's BFF. Many men are going to view the DH/BM thing similar to what you do. Why is my GF up her ex's *ss and playing 'happy family'.

Another ray of sunshine is SS is in HS. Come 18 and off to college your DH will have no excuse for racing to the side of a full grown adult. You've said the main problem is BM and SS. SS is his son, he is responsible for SS as a minor, but the 'minor' isn't a minor for much longer. Yes, SS well always be a part of your DH's life, SS will very likely stop being a responsibility priority as he takes off and begins his own life as an adult. If your Dh means that at age 22 SS will still be as large of a priority as DH places on him currently verses what his then middle school age daughter will and should be, you've got a major problem.

If the intention is to complete raising his son and sending him off into the world as a grown young man ready to begin life with a education career path and a 'good luck, son' , the SS issue should become more tolerable .

That leaves the BM problem. Is this her first BF since divorce that she has been serious with (or at least serous enough to spend night with Biggrin )? I am wondering if it is. I wouldn't think if she has had this BF for very long she would have been plastering all those 'happy family' photos from Disney. If you didn't like the 'too close' display, neither would a BF of hers, right?

Are you going to try marriage counseling? It might give you a route to explore your feelings and what you see your future as. Whether or not you wish to continue it with DH. It might also help DH see how the BM as his BFF is inappropriate and disrespectful to his new marriage and wife. Therapy is a risk. You take the change of learning somethings about yourself you may not be aware of or feel you are justified in while a therapist may enlighten you that is not healthy for you and/or your relationship (this one or any future one) and same on DH's part. No woman is going to want to be second place to his ex or to be made to think the second child is inferior to a first child.

Maybe you'd like to start with individual therapy and discover if you want to 'fight' for your current marriage before you and DH go any deeper into trying marriage counseling.

DaniellaR's picture

Another ray of sunshine is SS is in HS. Come 18 and off to college your DH will have no excuse for racing to the side of a full grown adult.

There is no way OP's DH is going to go from treating a 14 yr old like an infant to treating him like an adult in 4 years. He seems enmeshed with his son. That just doesn't end. And he is not going to magically know how to set boundaries with BM on that 18th birthday.

AshMar654's picture

Laney I have read many of your posts and I can not remember if I commented on them. I think it is really great that your talked to DH and in return he was honest with you. I do not think that he was trying to be mean or do anything to intentionally upset you. There are many ways to look at this situation and I think your distaste for the BM is clouding how you see things at times.

The positive side of this is that he trusts you and knows that his daughter is safe in you care and well taken care of and that gives him some peace of mind while he is trying to provide for his other child as well. If the BM is really that irresponsible he may have felt he had no choice in this matter. Try to see it from his perspective as well. If you had another child that needed you and your ex was a total waste but making it impossible for you to take that child or do anything for him would you trust your DH to take your daughter to safety. That is just one way to look at this situation.

I think if you and him try really hard to communicate things that upset you and make it clear to him why it is upsetting you, you can make plans to ensure it does not happen again together. No one is perfect in this world and we are all human and make a million and one mistakes that sometimes without even trying hurt those around us. I do not think that your DH is trying to hurt you or upset you or make you and daughter feel as though he does not want you but he is split in two on what to do best for his son and what to do best for you. Blended families are not easy and take time to work and get to a happy routine and there will always be bumps.

Keep communicating about things that upset you and upset him and try to make a plan moving forward so that it does not happen again. Best of luck.

ESMOD's picture

Good advice Ash. It sounds like the evacuation was a horrid experience for her. Like the people throwing rocks at linemen, disaster can bring out the best and worst in people. Having a sick kid on top of it must have made it miserable and I really can sympathize with her for that. It can't have been fun and I would have been angry that my DH couldn't be there too. (and yeah.. as enlightened as I want to be, I have resented my DH having his other responsibilities and times when I have had to deal with crap alone... but I know in my heart he loves me and is doing his best)

Pharlap's picture

Yup, time to go talk to a divorce attorney. "Put SS first" NO you need to put YOUR child first.

ESMOD's picture

He has two children.. so if he put her daughter first.. he is ignoring his son's needs. He was presented with a situation that really didn't have a win win solution unless his current wife was willing to be in the presence of BM.

OP DID put her child first.. took her child where she thought she would be safe. Good for her. Her DH stayed because he wanted to make sure his son was safe TOO. Apparently his EX is not as trustworthy in his mind.

I think it is good they are talking and maybe they need to hit up a therapist to work out feelings of guilt and resentment?

BethAnne's picture

Step life is tough. Personally I did not find your husband's response that outrageous during the evacuation ordeal, he did not handle it the best way but in an emergency situation he was pressured and did what he thought was best. I did find his school trip with BM more concerning as there was plenty of time to think things through and make a clear minded decision.

Did your husband acknowledge your feelings towards BM? My husband did not really take my discomfort with BM seriously until she attacked me in our home (in front of sd) and I called the cops on her. It was only then that he actively worked at keeping us apart. Personally there is nothing that would make me spend time with BM, nothing is worth it to me, even future weddings etc I am willing to miss as I do not want that conflict in my life. In an emergency I would do what was needed until BM showed up but then she can do her thing and I will leave. If and only if some time in the future she approaches me and apologizes for her past behavior, thanks me for what I have done for her daughter and asks that we start again I may choose to cautiously re-engage with her and attend events where she is if she seems genuine.

Your husband's dismissal of your feelings as jealousy and insecurity is sexist defensive crap. I can kind of understand his position in some circumstances (he will need to be with ss over you and dd) but in others you and your daughter need to come first. If he had some understanding or compassion the conversation could have covered the same ground but ended with you feeling acknowledged and cared for. I don't know if his problem is a lack of compassion, lack of insight or poor communication skils. Perhaps a therapist could help you work this out.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't know how many of you here have ever had to evacuate for a hurricane, but it can be totally insane. The longer you wait to leave, the more hair-raising it is. My issue is Laney's DH putting his wife and toddler on the road in a dangerous situation because BM may or may not make decent choices. Who needed him more? How about the woman he's married to and his toddler daughter.

Pharlap's picture

That's my issue with it too. Crime during times like that goes up. A woman and a small child traveling alone? Easy target for the garbage out there that uses these disasters as an opportunity.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I feel sorry for both of you, most men do not admit their wife and dd are not a priorities, so at least he is honest...I would tell him we were both going to see a marital counselor because you and HIS dd were not going to be second to anybody, that includes your SS.

Let his SS help him may the house payments, etc., then, and buy him a blow up doll for Christmas because that is all he would ever get from me again.

In a marriage, the WIFE is the priority. That is part of his marriage vows....if he does not want to take his vows seriously, neither should you.

There is NO choice to be made here.

I love dogs's picture

And he pulled $1000 from their joint account when she was on the road, paying hotel bills, food, medicine, and an EMERGENCY ROOM COPAY for HIS kid. With people being stranded out there and her lack of funds (other than a credit card?) I'd be pretry sore with him.

ESMOD's picture

He didn't know there would be a ER copay when he took the money. Laney did confirm that he took the money before that stuff came up. Plus, you are more likely to need cash in the emergency zone where electronic means of payment are much more likely to be impossible. He assumed Laney would use a CC. There was a lack of communication... both assumed and didn't have a plan on how they would pay for things agreed upon between them.

He should have told her. Hey... im gonna take out 1K so I have cash if I need it since my CC won't work in a power/network outage." She could have then said. "Cool.. then I will use the CC."

still learning's picture

So his *kids* come first and by kids he means SS. SS is top priority kidwise and BM's needs are #1 when it comes to spouses(ex). He's says BM won't make wise choices in an emergency; I'm wondering what terrible choice she made? She planned to take ss to a shelter where thousands of other parents were too. Were all of those parents making terrible decisions as well? From what I saw on the news it seemed like there was no totally safe place. You could evacuate and be possibly be stranded or cram in a shelter w/other people. Like others have stated, if he's so concerned about BM's decisions then he should have went for full custody long ago, it really sounds like an excuse and you're expected to jump on board.

It's disheartening to know that you and dd are pretty much on your own if anything happens. I agree that he's responsbile for ss and should make sure he's safe but it seems like that's all he cared about while you and dd were alone and suffering. Luckily you're a strong woman and seem pretty self sufficient. I know I would be pretty angry in your shoes. Telling you to suck it up and put ss first, screw his own daughter...wow.

Agree w/above comments about gaslighting. You're entitled to your feelings and most of us would feel the same way had our DH abandoned us in an emergency. At least your eyes are wide open now and you know how your husband truly feels about you and your daughter.

Puzzled9401's picture

Well clearly BM can't be entrusted to make rational decisions in the event of an emergency, and thus needs your DH there to make sure she doesn't do something stupid. Although I am trying to figure out exactly what those hypothetical stupid decisions might be? It seems to me that, when faced with a dilemma in an emergency situation, any semi-functioning adult would be able to easily choose the option that translates into "least likely to cause my death". That is of course unless the adult has some sort of developmental delay. If that is the case it is amazing your SS survived to live into his teenage years with a mother like that. Your DH probably should then just remarry her so he can be there every day to make sure his son makes it to 18.

DaizyDuke's picture

I'm just not feeling the arguments that DH needed to "protect" SS because he feels BM is an incompetent moron (but ONLY in a natural disaster situation apparently) BM and SS were AT A SHELTER. SHELTERS are staffed with MANY competent people, it's not a freaking free for all and shelters are generally in a very large building such as a school or stadium where the potential for damage to the building is minimal.

His arguments for wanting to "protect" SS are simply dumb and invalid (in my opinion) especially while his wife is out on the highway with his 2 year old, with a plan to "drive North" and nothing more. W.T.F? :?

WTF...REALLY's picture

When he took out most of the cash and did not tell you while leaving you and his daughter to your own Devices to get away from the storm....well....that combination of putting the two of you aside is VERY telling.

You both will always come last. If BM is such a dangerous parent...why has he not gone for full custody?

notsobad's picture

I basically see this as him trying to gaslight you.

His kids are the most important thing to him and SS needed him. What is wrong with you for not seeing that?
You could have gone with him, but you are jealous and insecure and so it's your fault that you were left to fend for yourself.

Whether he's a good man or not isn't the debate.

He's not the right man for you.

The right man would not desert you and the child you have together. The right man wouldn't make you feel like you are the one who is in the wrong in this situation.
The right man would have found a way to protect you and BOTH of his children.

I'm sorry your in this situation. Marriage counseling may help but people show their loyalties when there is a crisis.
He's plainly shown you where his priority's lay. Believe the person he's shown himself to be.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't really know what to think about this situation in total, but I have a few other thoughts in regards to other comments:

It could be that DH feels BM is competent in most areas except maybe large-scale emergencies. Unless there are large-scale disasters in the area every day, no judge is going to change the custody arrangement or claim BM is an incompetent parent. In my state, a judge would be more likely to tell a BD that he had better figure out how he's going to assist both BM and hid kids during an emergency because it's his "job".

We see it time and again on here where judges won't "rip kids away from their mothers" for far more heinous crimes. Heck, some will give temporary full custody to BD, who has zero history of any issues, while a BM is in jail or rehab, only to then whisk the kids back to BM when she's "better". The deck is stacked against dads most of the time, and DH may have a goof suspicion that he'd waste thousands of dollars in court fees trying to prove that...what...BM *may* not be competent *maybe* once every year, with zero proof to show it to be true?

So DH doesn't file for full custody. Disaster strikes. He doesn't trust BM, isn't going to get anything legally change in the emergent time, and has been told not to take SS (which could result in kidnapping charges at the worst, contempt at the least). His option, then, is to ensure his son is safe where he is because DH has limited legal recourse to save his son in the way that would be most practical/safest.

DH is in a pickle. He can't leave, but his wife won't stay (for many a good reason). He either sacrifices his son or his wife and daughter. Knowing that wife and daughter are getting away from the storm, he leaves her knowing she is capable and safer away.

He's in the middle of a hurricane when his daughter gets sick. She is 500ish miles away. He can't get to her, even if he wants to. He physically can't get there in the storm without risking himself and, in his mind, his son. Jis daughter is in the hospital. It's not life threatening. The storm, however, is. What is he supposed to do?

I'm not saying he made all the right decisions, but I can totally see his logic. I can also understand the OP's frustration, fear, and anger. However, I don't think either is being fair to the other. OP wants to be the first priority all the time, and she won't always be. This was a situation of split priorities, and BM made it very clear that she didn't perceive the storm to be a great enough threat to allow her son to leave with his father during an evacuation order. OP's first instinct was to run. Their two different reactions to this situation solidify to me that DH really felt his son was in danger and had proof that BM wasn't taking the situation seriously enough. He protected the person who needed it most, and during the storm, it was SS.

DaizyDuke's picture

He protected the person who needed it most, and during the storm, it was SS.

Nope, I just don't agree with this. BM and SS were going to a shelter, most likely a large school or stadium that was well thought out and planned well before Irma was ever even thought of. A shelter staffed with MANY competent people and containing MANY other mothers, fathers, kids, babies etc. What in the world was DH DOING to "protect" SS other than chilling with him and BM in the shelter?? Sorry but his WIFE and 2 year old that were out on the interstate with no plan other than to "drive north" were in way more "danger" than BM and SS in a shelter. And the fact that he went and withdrew more than 1/2 of their money without mentioning that to OP, who again is obviously going to have to be paying for hotel, gas, food, etc. is just ridiculous. There is no excuse. He's an ass.

Hell, we're all in potentially imminent danger crossing the damn street every day.

ESMOD's picture

Do you recall how "safe" the shelters were during Katrina? They may or may not have been well thought out.. or safe.

ESMOD's picture

You might recall that they didn't know she had one at the time..... They didn't find out about the BF till later.

I love dogs's picture

And apparently there's a clause in the CO that non-spouses aren't allowed to stay overnight with SS.

lieutenant_dad's picture

As could the visitation arrangement so DH could get SS the heck outta dodge.

Really, BM's unwillingness to allow DH to take SS to the safest possible spot (i.e. as far away from the storm as possible) has caused a lot of this. Had she put her son's safety first, this would be a non-issue.

IDontCare3117's picture

I realize that. BM knew she had a boyfriend and a place to stay, though. For all we know this was some bizarre manipulation on her part to keep DH with her and SS. It would be a twisted and unsafe thing to do, but it wouldn't be the first time we've seen something weird on here.

DaizyDuke's picture

Again, invalid. Do you recall a plane crashing? do you recall someone getting hit by a car? do you recall someone getting struck by lightning? ALL huge "what ifs" and again what exactly was DH DOING.. physically DOING... to "protect" SS by staying with them at the shelter?? Again, if BM is soooooo grossly incompetent, then DH should just move right in with her and SS so he can "protect" SS or fight tooth and nail for full custody.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If the shelter was so safe, or safer than traveling out of state with a toddler alone, why didn't OP stick around and go to the shelter, too? Why is everyone only busting DH's chops for staying instead of doing the same to her for leaving? She could have stayed at the shelter and been safe, not needed to spend any money, and not be apart from her DH. Plus, if BM is all hung up on DH, this was the perfect opportunity to show unity and rub it in BM's face (not saying that should have been a consideration, but some would see it as a bonus).

Ultimately, the women in this situation put DH in a tough spot. He was going to lose either way - he's a bad father for leaving his son behind, or he's a bad father and husband for leaving his daughter and wife behind. Yes, he was wrong to take out that money, but he had some sound logic: OP was in an area with power, so cards would work, while he was in an area where power was likely to go out and they wouldn't. His not telling her is an issue, but his logic behind it is sound.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't blame OP for not wanting to stay in a shelter, especially if BM was going to be there, too. I'd do it only if I had absolutely no other choice. I don't think it was DH's original plan to stay in a shelter, either. That was BM's plan and she wouldn't let SS leave w/ DH. I can't tell if DH and SS ever went to a shelter - that's unclear. Or my brain is tired.

I don't think the women put DH in a bad spot. I think BM was an idiot not let DH take his son and evacuate, though.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I agree with you on the BM part, especially since she let DH have him AFTER for extra time so she could go shack up with her BF.

thisisnotmocking's picture

Hey... I wanted to be #100!

10 hot topic posts. Approximately 1000 replies. Very, very little interaction on her own posts.

Anywho... wasn't DH's original plan to keep everybody together? Laney vetoed BM being in her car? And that was awesome? DH was some kind of monster for even suggesting such an atrocity? Go SM!! Headpatting & cheers! Take off with a toddler & no plan! DH is a monster!

Yet in another evacuation post a DH & grown skid were demonized by many of these same people for not wanting SM's ENTIRE broof of approximately 8 extra people to evacuate to her house. Uninvited!!

How can both SM's be right on opposite sides?

Disneyfan's picture

"10 hot topic posts. Approximately 1000 replies. Very, very little interaction on her own posts."

"How can both SM's be right on opposite sides?"

Things that make you go HHHMMMMM

I love dogs's picture

Did BM ask DH to stay with them at the shelter? Apparently she's "nice" and they get along and all but did DH even consider that she may have not even wanted him there or am I missing something?

Steppedonnomore's picture

This is one of those times I wish the DH could step in and give his story. On one hand it seems that he may have felt backed into a corner by OP. His suggestion of all of them evacuating was shot down. He may have felt a little bit resentful over that and that resentment may have affected his later actions. On the other hand, this is not the only time he has disregarded OP's feelings in favor of SS and, by extension, BM (Disney trip). I think this couple needs some serious counseling in order to move forward from this. If DH truly feels that OP is just insecure and jealous then he is never going to be able to "hear" her where SS and/or BM are involved. Counseling may help this couple open the lines of communication and see each other's viewpoints. Or it might reveal that DH is not truly invested in this marriage.

IslandGal's picture

Agree with those that said he just gas lighted you. He sure as shit did.

Leave him and take care of you and your toddler. This pathetic "husbaand" is only loyal to SS and BM. He did not marry you for better or worse cuz when worse hit..where was he? I'd want my husband by my side, particularly in life threatening situations. You guys could have been seriously injured or worse..killed out there and he just showed you how much he cared..oh wait..he didnt.

Love yourself and your toddler more. There is happiness in your future..being with a man who doesnt prioritize you will only bring you pain. He does not deserve you.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why are two working adults have so little money in the bank?

Why is an adult traveling for emergency with no saving account card or checks of credit cards?

Why doesn't working adult know how much is ER copay?

Etc etc etc etc

Why are grown women are so reliant on men that they can't function in emergency unless their man is by their side?

Etc etc etc