Only you can answer that. And you don't have to decide right now, when your emotions are raw from what just happened.

Give it a second... I struggle hardcore with the over friendly attitude towards BM. Especially when she's cussed me out... Shived me out of the way, flirts with DH etc... And the fact she doesn't help the kids really... Sometimes I feel like I'm second place... Which is what it sounds like you're feeling... Just look at it and decide if you would regret the decision later. Ultimately you have to take care of yourself... BUT... He's in a hard situation too and trying to balance a lot as well.

When do you end a marriage?

When he no longer makes your soul smile.

I agree with hereiam. Only you can answer if your marriage is over, but I would wait things out a bit and see how you feel in a few months when things are normalized.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch BM and DH be so friendly. My DH claims he hates BM, but he refuses to block her even though SD is now an adult. I think he enjoys the drama between BM and SD, so he stays in contact. At the same time, BM will text him things like "Happy (insert holiday)" while he would never think to do that, and told me he doesn't like responding in kind.

I think your DH is in a hard situation, but it is up to him to create better boundaries with BM.

It sounds like you are close to ending but are struggling with whether or not it's the right decision. We can all opine how we would react in the same situation but only you know the good, the bad, and the ugly.

My $.02 is counseling. Check with your/his job for the employee assistance program and find a counselor. I know my company is reminding people of this resource because a major storm event does cause a lot of stress. It would give you both an opportunity to air out your feelings in a protected environment. If after counseling you decide to part ways, at least you tried.

My DH and I have had to do a couple rounds in the 11 years of marriage. In the beginning, I needed him to establish boundaries. We recently did another round because our communication was starting to slip up and we stopped prioritizing our marriage.

To me, your DH is feeling defensive, you are emotional (understandably) and if you want to work things out, you need a mediator to help you both come to the table and find a compromise.

Again, just my $.02...

I needed to reach a space where my decision to leave was not fueled solely by anger. No, we can't just completely numb ourselves, but I needed to be sure I saw my situation for what it was and wasn't just angry and wanting to hurt exDH as badly as he had been hurting me. This decision came after trying to make it work, repeatedly, and being the only one who was contributing to fixing the issue. When the person you are with expects you to do all without receiving anything, it's a terrible imbalance that only gets worse, especially if you're the type who tries to "love away the problem".

That was me. I begged exDH to tell me what was wrong, what I could do better, how I could be a better partner to him... It wasn't until later when I truly took stock of our relationship that I saw the pattern of me being used, neglected, and then allowing myself to be used even more just to avoid feeling neglected.

Don't think about divorce right now, not when emotions are still hot and there is literal hurricane aftermath. Seek counseling to deal with these things. I cannot tell you enough of how valuable it is to finding the answers you're seeking right now.

There's a difference between being friendly with BM and with putting her above you, under the guise of helping his son. Maintaining contact is a way of maintaining the relationship. Some people do it through asking for favors, others do it through fighting, but it's all the same. Have you been to marriage counseling? Might be worth seeing a counselor particularly around the evacuation. Have him articulate why he felt that he needed to prioritize his son over your and his daughter. A counselor might also help you to articulate what it is you are angry about in a way that your husband can understand.

While I wasn't married, although I planned our wedding twice in 6 years before I gave up on exSO changing, I think you have a two fold issue.

Issue 1 is with you. You expected to walk into your marriage and be the top priority and that was frankly rather unrealistic considering he had a child and you did not. I understand I struggled with this for many years, it a normal and natural expectation in almost all circumstances. BUT, this is not one of those circumstances and you should expect for your DH to put your SS first. If you come in with that expectation at all time you learn to do what's best for you and your DD even when your DH can't see that he's putting you last.

Issue 2 is that your DH sees you as the most stable of his BMs and is therefore putting all of the DD workload on you. It's a crappy situation but it's true.

The straw that broke the hump on this camels back was exSO putting his own wants ahead of my needs. So the question that you need to answer objectively and honestly is whether SS needed for your DH to be there and whether you truly needed your DH to be there. Not wanted but who truly needed his presence. If SS needed his father and you really wanted your husband you schedule couples counseling. If you truly needed your husband and your DH wanted to stay with SS/SS would have safe without him, you file.

When a man is as selfish, worthless and utterly disgusting as your DH is.

Looking back over your past posts... I think that you both should probably go into some sort of counseling together. You have a lot of hurt feelings about the way some things have unfolded. In some of the interactions, I can definitely see your point, but I also can see that your DH may have some valid points of his own. It would be helpful if you could both learn to communicate better and balance things so that everyone in the relationship zone feels valued (including YOU and your SS and your daughter and DH.. all of you).

In this situation in and of itself would I leave my DH? I'm not so sure. If he felt he had some real reason to think that the weight of "saving" his SS was going to be on him imminently because the boy's mother is a flakeazoid then we are balancing the thought of him protecting his son while he felt you had your daughter "under control" and safe. So many of the variables in this situation were just out of both of your controls to some extent. He may have also been reluctant to leave his home and property (wanting to protect it). He didn't know DD would fall sick. He didn't know all you would find was a sucky motel. He didn't realize you would have extra expenses and not think to use your CC instead... he assumed you would use the CC.. you assumed he wouldn't need to take out money. The storm caused traffic, gas shortages and shortages of tempers. It was a crapstorm for sure... and that wasn't either of your faults.

Before I threw in the towel on someone I had genuine feelings for (do you?)... I would get to a place where you could both put it out there on what you are missing and what you need. It might be that the counselor provides him some ideas on how to manage his interactions with BM that are low conflict but more palatable for you. It might be that you get told that some of your expectations need to be adjusted. You won't know until you go and work on this together.

But above all now, while you are still raw from a stressful situation is not the time to make big life choices.

Here was my process for ending my marriage:

First, I was in denial that anything was wrong. I mean, everyone has their problems, right? Everyone fights, right? Says mean things? Isn't considerate every once in a while...

Then came anger. How could he treat me this way?! How could I let him be such an arse to me?! How DARE he disrespect my feelings and wants.

Then came sadness. I loved him, and I would miss hi. I'd hate seeing him with someone else. I started blaming myself for our problems. I wasn't good enough.

Then I bargained with him or myself. I would do something differently, change my approach, set new rules, etc.

There would be calm after the bargaining, but I was the only one really trying. Or when we would both try, we would both give up. So we cycled back and through this song and dance again. And again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hit a point where I was out of ideas. I didn't know what else to bargain with and asked that we go get outside help from a counselor.

He said no.

I asked him to tell me why, then, he didn't want to touch me like a wife.

He said I needed to lose weight to be attractive to him.

I asked him why he ever got with me then since I had stayed the same relative size.

He said he wasn't attracted to me when we started dating but I grew on him.

I asked if he regretted being married.

He said yes because he felt like he never got to date or experience early adulthood. But he was content with our life and didn't see the need to change anything.

So, he didn't want to do counseling because it wouldn't change his feelings, but it would put a dent in our pocket book which would make his life less comfortable.

I had to accept that this was my life and make a choice.

I chose to walk away. I wasn't interested in being with someone who was only in it for his own benefit.

You have to ask some tough questions of your DH, and you have to determine if you can live with the answers he provides. If your DH views his son as his top priority and responsibility, are you okay with playing second fiddle?

If you were my daughter I would be so p*ssed at your DH right now. To let you and your baby go out alone in the storm, on the road, no idea where you're headed while he's hunkering down w/his exW and older son.

I can't say either way if you should file for divorce, but when it mattered the most he showed you where you rank on his list of priorities and that's #3 behind ss and BM. At least have a plan B if this becomes any more unbearable. Counseling, even if just for you is a good thing and maybe a trial separation to see how he acts or even if he cares that you're living apart could be eye opening.

Just remember that by divorcing you'll be creating another step family. Your daughter will go for visitation and BM could be her SM! you'll perhaps be bringing a Step father and more step siblings into her life and the complicated relationships just keep piling up. Maybe sit on this for a bit, think it through and make wise decisions moving forward.

Your DH is an absolute moron. I would be freaked out if my EX did to me what his did to him. But there is no way in hell I would have stayed with EX while I sent off my small child. Especially when BM is just being a bitch and playing games and there would be no way for me to protect SS anyway. Yes, I would be sick about it but I would still not do it.

Your DH just effectively told BM that she is his boss FOREVER, as long as she can use SS to make your DH dance puppet dance.

But I do agree with taking a breath and waiting to jump ship. I also say get some marriage counselling. Asap.

I wonder if he will worship you and your DD like he does SS/BM, if you get a divorce….

I struggled like you for many years. Ex. I went on a business trip, my son 8 broke his arm, but my DH was so enamoured with his own bios visiting he waited 24 hrs and until a visit to Dave and busters to seek medical care. He did this several times. Left me on the side of the road in ice to my own devices and made no attempt to help me.i walked 2.5 miles and slept in a business. He is just not my knight in shining armour. He's over obsessed with his bios and not mine. I had to accept this, plan for it and because the good did outweigh the bad we are still married 16 yrs later. I am my own hero now though, and he knows it. I stopped leaving my bios in his care and boy did he catch it from extended family. I don't know why I wrote all that except to say that I was angry for a long time until I just accepted him for what he was and enjoy the good things we have.

After everything he did to you during the storm, it's time for you to leave him. You must know you deserve better than this

Why didn't SS go to the boyfriend's house with BM? She wouldn't let DH evacuate with him until her house was ruined? Doesn't make sense to me. She had her boyfriend all along but NOW dad can take him?

Your DH is using his son as excuse to remain in BM's life. When DH and I were still dating he pulled this "well it's for SS" crap on me once. I told him it was clear to me that BM was ALWAYS going to come first in his life and that was fine.. for him... but not for me and I would be moving along from the relationship. I told him he could theoretically argue EVERYTHING being for SS! Oh dear, BM has needs her ass wiped, well let me do it, so SS doesn't have a mom with a stinky butt. Oh dear, BM doesn't have enough money to get her nails done, well let me give it to her, wouldn't want SS to have a mom with ratty ass nails.

It's beyond ridiculous. BM has got his marionette strings (or balls) and he just dances away.

OMG I just read your post about what happened during the hurricane! The answer to "when do you end your marriage?" is NOW. Well actually YESTERDAY! His actions (as far as BM) and his inactions (as far as you and your 2 year old) were in my book inexcusable. I could not forgive this. I honestly don't know how you can stand to be in the same county as him.

I agree with everyone advocating counseling. You said you had the marriage partnership with DH, but it sounds like recent events (culminating with the horrors you went through with the evacuation) has shaken your faith in your husband and relationship. But you can rebuild if you both commit to it, and have an expert guide you through the rebuilding process.

As capable as you are of caring for DD on your own, her life will be better if you can work this out and regain the loving marriage you once had. Unlike other situations people have blogged about, based on what you've written in your blogs it doesn't seem like you have the kinds issues that can't be overcome if you work on it together.

Normally, I'd say work it out. It's not worth putting your kids in a stepfamily over. However, if I were in your shoes I'd be out... I read through your evacuation blogs, I could see your DH acting this way if SS was young, I was thinking SS must not be too much older than your daughter by the way your DH was acting, but he's not! Your SS is a young man, and your DH is chasing after him like he's a toddler! Then I read the Disney blog and all I can say is that your DH is crazy, BM is crazy, and I say they should both go and be crazy all they want together and good riddance! I really think your DH has something broken inside him, and you won't be able to fix it. You can give therapy a try, but it really doesn't seem to me that he'd be motivated to change things for you or your daughter. Put your focus on getting your ducks in a row and then get out of this "marriage".

When you start asking 'When do you end a marriage?' is when you end it. If you even have to ask...things are already way too broken.

Seems to me this pathetic excuse of "husband" ended it when he chose his teen Son and ex wife over you anod your toddler when you needed him most.

I'd be leaving his ass so damn fast he'd be swirling in the dust I left behind.

He couldnt have made it any clearer if he howled it from the roof tops. He will never put you and your toddler first. Never. If both kids were drowning..you now know who he'd save. Dramatic but this was an extremely dangerous situation.

Leave him and one day..you will find someone who will stand by your side for better or worse..not go racing back to ex and teen when shit hits the fan.

He is so damn pathetic its ridiculous. I am repulsed by his actions.