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Kevin The Man is lugubrious

Kevin The Man's picture

Hello everyone,

I am guessing that I shouldn't be chatting on here anymore. I don't have a SO or two SS's anymore.
I told her when I woke today that I wanted to see her and talk and she said she would be over in a jiffy. Upon walking in to my room she tossed me her key to my house and asked for hers back. I guess she thought I was just going to give them back with thousands of dollars worth of my things under her lock and key?? Ummmm, no. She informs me that if I don't give them back then she will call the police and they will get them back. OK, so it was time to move my stuff. I threw on a shirt and shoes and started moving things. An hour and a half later I was moved and we had a bit of a chat at the kitchen table and she kissed me and we said goodbye. She said she had to think about things.

Later on my buddy at work reminded me to bring him a jigsaw and I didn't see it among the returned things. I really just wished to leave well enough alone and let her be alone. But I HAD to get this saw. I knocked (that felt weird). She couldn't find it so I had to get it. That led to me carrying home a saw, a golf club, a shovel, and a disputed power cord which I KNOW came up with the electric weed whacker. I asked her if she just wanted to part ways and be done and she said yes. I am a bit hurt and sensitive right now, but I told her that I didn't want to give up, I missed my family, and that it was in her hands to decide.


Most Evil's picture

Its nice to have plenty of notice isn't it? Where are you supposed to go now? That would make me mad.!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

Crazy's picture

... You have parted ways. I know from experience that it is difficult. My DH and I broke up for a couple of months before we got engaged. I love my BD's and don't regret marrying my husband.
With that said, I can't help but think that maybe you have dodged a bullet. What you have been experiencing in the last few months is (in my experience) a prelude to how your life would be every day. You may never come first, things that are firsts for you are not firsts for her. First marriage, no, first child, no, first anything? For you, yes, for her, no. Not being able to share any of those firsts with my husband (I had never been married, had no children) has been very difficult FOR ME. Having gone through my experiences, if a person asked for my advice, i would tell them to RUN. I have told my DH on several occassions that I am going to write a book called "Run Girlfriend, Run!".
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but if I have learned anything from this site, it is that being a SP doesn't get any easier...but thank goodness I am not alone.
I wish you luck in your decisions!

The Principlist's picture

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know your heart is heavy and breaking right now. I will probably not be popular for what I am about to say, but I really know of no other way...THIS unfortunately was in the cards for you guys whether it be now or 6 months from now. Your SO was not willing to fully allow you access to her life and family in the way that you needed. There was gonna always be an issue with regards to you saying something to one of the boys, the MIL or a good deed misinterpreted. The problem was not you from what I've read of your blogs. It was SO. You would have awoke one day to find that you didn't recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. WHY? Because YOU were the only one jumping through hoops and willing to change. I know it is heartbreaking because you loved the kids and I wish I had some wonderful words and insight to provide that would ease your pain. BUT I don't. I will say this though with regards to the way SO handled you and the relationship, it was only a matter of time before things turned sour between you and the boys. If you guys EVER were to stand a chance it would have to be with her standing WITH you and not against you. In the future, if you should ever get involved with someone with kids again...remember just this. The relationship has to offer something good back to you and I didn't see that written here. SORRY! Hugs to you. Chin up and someone will come along who appreciates you and respects you in all of your gloriousness.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Last Nerve's picture

Everything that Princ said! Especially the "someone will come along who appreciates you and respects you in all of your gloriousness." You deserve so much more than what you've gotten from your exSO...
Take the time to heal, you'll need it, but don't for one second think that you should ever settle for anything less than the absolute best.

belleboudeuse's picture

Something about your ExSO didn't smell right from the first post about Peeps and Buckets. Kevin, I'm so sorry -- especially because it sounds like you bonded with the boys. But you deserve SOOO much better than her. She sounded, frankly, like my DH's ex-wife. She seems nice when you meet her, too, but she's got all sorts of scary control issues and she is absolutely incapable of compromising at all and she can NEVER, never be wrong. Not a fun person to be married to, I understand.

Six months, a year from now, you will feel like you dodged a huge bullet here. Best,


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Sasha's picture

Kev, if you're still reading I just wanted to say sorry you're going through a rough patch but seriously, I read the hand writing on the wall and this was not a good situation for you from the very beginning. You will find someone who won't have a problem with you being around her family. And I'm risking a sound lashing from the other ladies here but, find yourself a girl without kids. Your life will be so much easier that way.

Last Nerve's picture

If at all possible, find a woman without kids. If you do get into a relationship with someone who has kids - GO SLOWLY!!! Watch how they interact with the kid(s), how they discipline, how they interact with the other parents, etc...

Kevin The Man's picture

I did bond with the boys and they called me dad. I was happy with my situation but there seemed to be a distinct break somewhere and I cannot put my finger on it. We used to come to my place and have movie night, she used to come in and kiss me before she would go to work, but then, out of the blue she stopped using the key and my house became empty. There WAS a point where the SO contributed and not to worry, I live down the street, which actually will present itself with a new set of difficulties. We know all of the neighbors, not that that will matter too much as I can turn them on or off, no matter. I am kinda concerned about what the best way for me to interact with the boys and her on the street or at the pool. Any ideas??

I still love her and she knows that, she says loving me is really complicated right now.

Kevin The Man

Sita Tara's picture

So sorry to hear. I know it's easy to say, but it sounds as though she is doing you the biggest favor. You deserve to be loved and made a priority in someone's life, and she does not sound like she's in the position to do so. I hope she learned a lesson in not moving in with/allowing her poor sons to attach to a father figure, then tossing the whole relationship aside when it gets uncomfortable.

I do think it's hard when you live so close and have mutual friends and neighbors. Hang in there Kevin, sort through your feelings and let her go when you're ready to.

I have survived a huge heartache and it took too long to tell you (don't want to dishearten you) but I got there. I lost a young friend to cancer a long time after the break up and it was a pivotal moment of clarity on how I was wasting my life, not taking charge of my happiness etc. Don't hand your happiness over to anyone, especially someone who isn't worthy or respectful/responsible enough to understand what a gift you are to her.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I

kaffonseca's picture

Handle the boys the same when you see them. Be there for them if they need you. This is coming from a woman who's BD has suffered because the men in her life have just "walked out"...even if I'm the one that kicked them out..she sees it as they have abandoned her...children don't understand the adult situations. If they were close to you and you see them don't try to ignore them or avoid them..if you get a chance to talk to them at all, let them know your still there for them.

I'm sorry you are going thru this..but I think I first posted to get out of the situation..something wasn't right and I guess another person posted it..she was controlling..this does not mean she is a bad person but it will be hard for her to find someone to really "fit" with.

It's good to know that men DO have feelings too when it comes to breakups.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

October8's picture

I have a STBXH and no longer consider myself a stepparent but the ladies on this site have helped me cope with the loss. And trust me it was bad.

3 months a go I didn't have a place to really live, I only had clothes enough for the week and to say that I was down on my luck would be downplaying my situation.

Yet, I stand here 3 months later in blissed ecstasy. I am so glad that all of those bad things happened because it was my ticket out of hell.

I wish you the same.

One can only hope!

Kevin The Man's picture

You could drop me off in a forest with just a knife and I would manage. US Army Infantry Sergeant here. Wink

Glad to see you pulled through.